Transcription
[Music] Hey guys, today I'm going to be talking about watching [ __ ] gay, or trans porn and how this can really confuse a lot of people.
I was stuck in a porn addiction for so many years. It all started for me when I was about 16. I had erectile dysfunction for the first time. And so I go online, I discovered nofap and I'm like, "All right, let's get into this." you know, I'm going to I'm going to overcome this problem for good.
Now, I kept on going on these streaks and I kept on relapsing. Then, I internalized a lot of those feelings of failure after every single relapse. And that went on and on and on and honestly, I probably relapsed over two, three, 400 times, probably more. It could have been even even like a thousand, who knows? I honestly can't remember. I was stuck in an addiction. I was going around in circles. And it was a frustrating time.
And here's the thing, the streaks got longer, but guess what happened? I started looking at more and more progressively novel sexual content. I ended up bullshitting myself with the lies that it was okay to look at certain sexual content as long as it wasn't on a porn site. And that led to me looking at [ __ ] kind of content on Instagram.
Now, growing up, I was a pretty pretty normal guy at school. you know, I played football and had quite a few friends and I'm still friends with those guys to this day. You know, we're going to the park later today and we're going to be having a kick around and then going to my mate's gigs. He's a singer and, you know, all just pretty normal stuff.
But then there was this like different part of me, you know, behind the closed curtains of my life where I was looking at content which didn't align with my sexual tastes, my sexual values, and who everyone saw me as. You know, I was in a relationship with a girl. I' I'd never sort of come out as as gay or bisexual or had any experiences like that at all. And yet I'm looking at this [ __ ] content.
And now fast forward to today. I don't look at porn anymore. I don't look at that [ __ ] content anymore. I don't look at any sexual content at all anymore. And I'm complete completely clear on that. Like I don't I don't have any shame around it anymore. Um and I understand why I was looking at that content.
Now, I'm on a mission to help more people in our world overcome porn addiction. And we're working with quite a lot of clients at this point. And one of them had a similar issue to me. You know, he's looking at this sort of [ __ ] content. And he's going to therapy therapy for years and years and years trying to figure out like why am I looking at this content? And the therapist fed him lies and lies. You know, they're trying to explore sexuality, trying to explore childhood.
But the way I see it is it's a bit like if you had an heroin a heroin addict and you're going, "All right, well, why are you consuming heroin as opposed to cannabis or cocaine?" It's like, that's not the issue. Like the issue is being out of control. Like when I was looking at that content, I was out of control. Got to a point for me where I'm masturbating in like public toilets, you know, not often, but that happened a few times. or I'm just getting out of control. Like I'm trying to stop doing this thing but end up going back to it.
Then I'm feeling so so much shame, self disgust, confusion, frustration, anger, and just just upset with myself. Just feeling like what is wrong with me? Like why do I keep doing this thing I'm trying to stop? They're the symptoms of being in an addiction. They're the symptoms of having this compulsive desire and not knowing how to directly deal with it. They're not the symptoms of being unsure around your sexuality as such. You know, I mean, that's not the problem.
It's like if you're looking at certain sexual content that doesn't align with your sexual tastes, all right, well, let's deal with stopping that behavior instead of trying to figure out some deep reason because compulsive desire refuses to be ignored. And the addictive part of the mind is going to come up with some justification, some excuse, some rationalization. It's going to seek answers. It's going to try and figure out the real reason you're looking at this sexual content. But you don't need a reason because the truth is you can continue looking at that sexual content and it's going to probably cause you misery. It's going to probably cause you a load of consequences. And the solution to that is to get in control of yourself to feel empowered moment by moment and deal with compulsive desire correctly.
So, you know that moment when you have an urge and the brain's going a to hell with it. I just want to give in. It's in that moment where we have an opportunity to change our neural pathways, think through the choice, and rewire the brain. And then when you get on the other side of it, like I am today, you're going to feel pretty comfortable talking about this stuff because you'll just see it as part of an addiction, just like someone who's maybe overcome an addiction to heroin can look back and go, "Yeah, it wasn't really the heroin, but it was this psychological emotional dependency that I had on a mind mood altering experience which I was really really wanting and which I was connected to. It was like this relationship with this mindaltering experience in my brain that's what hooked me. You know, it's all those feelings that come up. It's not the the behavior. You know, it's it's more important to look at that that feeling and go, okay, well, that's the thing that my mind's involved in this dependency on. It's not really about what specifically it is.
So, I just want to put this out there because I think there's a lot of misunderstanding around all of this and I know that the addicted part of the mind will go down the route of looking at this as like a sexuality issue when really I I couldn't care less about the sexuality side of of this. I I think it's really about understanding and dealing with compulsive desire directly. you know, whether I'm gay, by, straight, it's kind of irrelevant. Like, the problem is addiction. It's not to do with your sexuality. That's my opinion on this anyway.
And even if it was to do with your sexuality, well, you know, go figure that out once you've gone through the addiction, on once you've like recovered from it, once you've rewired the brain, you know, once you're in control of this behavior, once you know how to make choices you're proud of moment by moment, and once you've stopped the behavior, then you have the clarity to deal with that side of things. But trying to deal with that side of things when you're right in the middle of an of an addiction and you got the part of the mind, the addictive part of the mind going, I just want this thing. I just want this thing. And it's trying to solve all these unanswerable questions and go around in circles. It's actually creating a lot of helplessness. And that's what leads those feelings off. You know what? To hell with it. I'm just going to give in and choose to engage.
All the addictive part of the mind can rationalize and say, "Oh, it's because of this trauma or it's because of this thing that happened when I was younger or whatever." When really, you don't need a reason. The only thing you need is a solution to be in control of yourself and rewire the brain when you have that compulsive desire. Change those neural pathways and that's going to lead to the freedom that you're probably seeking. And on the other side of this, you can have that peace of mind, that clarity and that knowledge and awareness that actually this was something which you were involved in in the past and you don't you don't need some explanation for it. It's not going to actually help you change the behavior.
The final really key distinction here and really really important point to make is that actually choosing to engage in compulsivity. So like let's say you watch the [ __ ] porn or the gay porn or the trans porn, you know, choosing to do that is what creates the desire to do it again. And that's why going to a therapist and trying to figure out the why and the deep reason and the root cause isn't really that useful unless they're telling you how to actually deal with the desire, how to overcome the problem. Because if you're still doing it, you're going to continue wanting to do it. It's acting on the desire which strengthens the addictal pathways and keeps you in that loop of doing it over and over and over.
You know, a relapse is not part of recovery no matter what the the nofap gurus tell you. The truth is it's relapsing which is clearly part of an addiction. You know, if you're still relapsing, you're obviously still in an addiction, but when you're in it, it's kind of hard to see that harsh truth, you know, that reality that actually you wouldn't be relapsing if you was out of this addiction. So, every time you do it, you want to do it again and again and again because of this psychological emotional dependency on this mind, mood, or to an experience.
And so that's why it's really about stopping the behavior first through dealing with compulsive desire and dealing with the addictive part of the mind very very specifically. You do that first and then you can you know look and explore your sexuality and and maybe your sexual template or anything like that. But you want to overcome the addiction first and then we can do it from this place of of clarity and and uh and knowing that actually you know I have I have choices moment by moment. I don't need to be a slave to some temporary desires.
So yeah, I just wanted to share that with you. Hopefully that's useful. Hopefully you can see that you don't need to go around in circles trying to figure out an answer behind why you're looking at this content and what's going to be way more productive is dealing with compulsive desire correctly. And if you would like help on that, I recommend going into the description. There will be a link to some free training and we can get you started on learning about the beyond compulsion method. Thanks again and we'll see you in the next video. Bye-bye.