Transcription
You're about to discover the seven ways that you're accidentally destroying his romantic attraction to you and why the more you try to show love, the more his brain starts categorizing you as mother instead of lover.
Once this neurochemical switch happens in his attachment system, he can't unsee you this way. Now, you're pouring your heart out. You're giving everything that you have. You're being the most loving partner you know how to be. And he's becoming more distant, more cold, and more disconnected by the day. You feel like you're speaking a foreign language to him. And nothing you do creates the closeness that you're desperately craving.
I'm Adam Lane Smith, the attachment specialist with 16 years of training and experience helping thousands of couples break these destructive patterns and break them before they destroy their relationships permanently.
Now, before we get into this video, listen closely to what I'm about to tell you because what you're going to learn in this video will change how he responds to you. I'm going to show you the seven specific behaviors that are making him see you as his mother instead of his woman. And more importantly, I'm going to give you the exact steps to flip this switch in his brain so he starts craving your attention instead of avoiding it.
You'll discover why the sweet, caring things that you do actually trigger his flight response. And I'll teach you the counterintuitive approach that makes him lean in, pursue you, and actually appreciate the love that you give him. By the time you finish watching this video, you'll know exactly how to stop pushing him away and start pulling him towards you.
But first, you need to understand the biological difference between romantic love and maternal love because your brain might be confusing the two. First, let's talk about the brain chemistry that is being disrupted here. And there's something we've got to talk about between oxytocin flooding and romantic bonding.
Loving somebody in a romantic connection means adult to adult. And what that requires is respect for autonomy. Treating them as an adult with expectations and boundaries. Mothering, on the other hand, is overcompensating for someone's lack of skills and overwhelming them with feelings.
When you have a small child, they want to be overwhelmed with feelings and we call this oxytocin flooding. The mother scoops the child up, holds them close, squeezes them, and the baby goes and feels so safe and contained. This is maternal. This is what you do with a child. That is flooding somebody with oxytocin. Okay? They also don't have the skills. So, you have to make up the gaps. You have to be patient. You have to be kind. You have to be calm. You have to be overly accommodating and generous for a child. This is a normal experience as you nurture them and grow them into an adult.
Unfortunately, this is what a lot of women do with a grown man who's even older than she is. Okay. Mothering floods with oxytocin to smother him as an adult while doing nothing for that bond that bonding hormone we need called vasopressin. Vasopressin is a hormone released when we solve challenges together. When we overcome problems together, when we work effectively as co-adults in a team to diminish stress and pain. When we solve problems together as a team, we bond monogously. In fact, we find that mammals become monogous when you flood them with vasopressin. They start cheating and straying when you block their vasopressin receptors. Men have more receptors for vasopressin than women do. Men are not going to bond the way a small toddler bonds when you hug them. So you cannot mother a grown man into romantic love. And in fact, it will over time poison your desire for him as well. But first, it will ruin his ability to bond with you. Okay?
Respecting his autonomy means having boundaries. Most women aren't doing that. We're going to talk about that here in a moment. But what we're talking about here, this oxytocin flooding really is the feminine version of lovebombing. It's actually a bit of a controlling behavior. You are a poor, weak, wounded man who has no idea what emotions are. I will rescue you like a child and act like your mother until you grow up and then you'll turn into the perfect husband. That's really the process playing out here. You don't mean it to be this way, but that is what your brain is doing.
Now, this isn't just about missing opportunities. This is driving a severe flight response, especially in an avoidant man, okay? Why? Because avoidant men didn't even experience that level of love and safety with their own mother. If they did, they wouldn't be avoidant. This overwhelm, the attempt to scoop him up and squeeze him, overwhelms him and signals to the brain, I'm in danger. It makes him feel like he's about to be swallowed alive by an overwhelming emotional person. And then what's called enmeshment. Enmeshment is where the boundaries completely blur and there's no individuality and no autonomy and they're forced into an emotional hostage situation.
Now, what's likely in most avoidant men's lives is either their mother was very cold, distant, chaotic, didn't give them the love they looked for, so they don't even know how to process that level of love, or she did give him love, but paired it with hurt and pain and fear and domination and control so that he was forced into an emotional hostage situation where he was forced to comply with her emotions and manage them again and again and again. Anxious moms do this and create avoidant sons. That's a big piece of the process right there. So, mothering him in this way not only fails to bond him, but reminds him of the most painful relationship he's ever had in his life. The most disappointing, the woman who disappointed and hurt him first. Okay? You can call it a mother wound, you can call it mommy issues, whatever you want. But the good news is you shouldn't be going that route anyway. It's doing double damage, but it's not appropriate. So, we don't have to tackle it that way. But I want to hammer this home. Here's what's really concerning.
When you trigger this maternal response in his brain, when you scoop up with that warmth and that love and that safety and that intimacy that you're trying to give him, when you try to pick him up like a baby and like princess carry him, right, like the maiden, when you try to do this emotionally, you're actually recreating the exact trauma pattern that made him avoidant in the first place. Of course, it's going to go badly. It's not your fault, but we are going to fix it. And in section two of this video, right next, I'm going to show you the seven specific ways that you are doing this without even realizing it. I have to show you this. It's going to hurt a little bit. You probably are going to recognize yourself in some of these. Drop down below in the comments and say, "Yeah, Adam, I'm one, three, and five. You got me right." A lot of women do this because that's your warmth and nurturing and intimacy. Most women don't know how to connect to a man. So, this is what they do instead.
Let's go through the seven signs that you're actually mothering him.
Sign number one is managing his emotional reactions. Men should be responsible for their own emotional reactions. And you shouldn't walk on eggshells or cover for him or make everything easier. You should not be catering to his feelings. You should not be catering to his lack of emotional discipline. I get 50 comments on every video saying, "Adam, how dare you imply that I should cater to his emotions." So, I'm hoping this point is clear enough. You should not be catering to his feelings. Okay? Doing that is overcompensating for his lack of skill. It's stepping in to enable his negative bad behaviors. I have a video here on this channel about why you shouldn't give him space. Yes, you give people time to self-regulate, but endless amounts of space without consequences is also disastrous. We do not compensate for other people's refusal to manage their behaviors and their emotions. Period. Okay?
There's a lot of women out there, unfortunately, who do this. They assume that they know better. They overwhelm him by telling him what to do or they compensate for his emotions. Do you know how many DMs a day I get from women saying, "He hasn't responded. How do I reach out without scaring him?" And I say, "How long has it been?" "Three months." Okay. It is not your job to walk on eggshells. It is a man's job to provide emotional safety in a relationship. So, he is failing to provide emotional safety and you are overcompensating by mothering him and enabling that bad behavior. That's the issue. You're not the only one at fault, but you are enabling the bad behavior. This is what we call codependence. By the way, most women step in and assume they know better. So, they don't respect the other man's autonomy as a human being. They're constantly dancing around him trying to manage his emotional reactions like he's an upset toddler and she doesn't know what to do. This is mothering. Stop.
I get asked all the time, "What is my attachment style? What is my attachment style? What is my attachment style?" So, I have finally launched the attachment assessment. This is not a short quiz that just spits out an answer after 3 seconds. This is a thorough, in-depth, science-backed assessment. Check it out on my website, adamlaneith.com, and learn your attachment style, the severity of what you're dealing with, and some next steps you can take right now to build very secure attachment.
Sign number two comes very shortly after sign number one. Making excuses for his behavior. Okay. Proper boundaries and expectations are crucial here. "Hey, you know, he's just been really stressed." "Oh, for how long?" "Um, three years, right?" People point out red flags to you and you're like, "Yeah, but you don't get it. He's so sweet. He can be so kind sometimes." "Well, how often?" "Like 10% of the time." "Well, yeah. Criminals can do that too. That's actually how they get away with it." Okay? Making excuses for his behavior, even to yourself. Okay? Yes, sometimes people have bad days. I have bad days. But you shouldn't be making excuses. He should be apologizing, making it right, and then you choose to be compassionate because you understand his circumstance. When you make his excuses for him in advance without any of that, that's codependency and that's mothering. That's what you do with a 5-year-old. You go, "Well, you know, he's really having a difficult time lately because of this, this, and this." That's what you do with a child.
What's happening here is that women are collapsing into fawning. Fawning is the third piece of the limbic system. There's fight, flight, fawn, and freeze. I will fight. If I get this stressed out and I'm threatened, I will fight. If I can't fight, I will run away. If I can't run away, I will people-please so that everyone stops hurting me. And if that doesn't happen, I will freeze and let the damage happen and clean up later. This is fawning. He's hurting me, but I will fawn and make everyone happy. And I will even lie to myself to keep the relationship going. This does not treat him like he has adult-to-adult respect. Now, he's not treating you with respect either. There's a problem. But a healthy woman who is his lover and his girlfriend, his wife, a healthy woman doesn't make excuses. She says, "Why is this happening? I need this to stop. I can be compassionate for circumstances, but this must stop." See the difference? I hope so.
Sign number three comes actually very quickly. Solving his problems without permission. Assuming you know better than he does. "He's avoidant. I have to rescue him. He doesn't know how to talk about his feelings. I have to guide him into talking about his feelings. He doesn't know how to connect to his mom. I'm going to connect to his mom for him and grow their relationship. He doesn't know how to connect to his best friend. They haven't been talking lately. I'm going to connect to his best friend for him." Right? Building solutions without even speaking to him about it. This pushes massively on his autonomy and smothers him. This is you saying, "I will love you even if you don't want it." This is we used to call it meddling. This is seizing control of his life and his relationships. This is sending a signal: "You're not good enough and I don't like you. You must change to please me. But I'm not even going to talk to you about it. I'm going to modify your behavior like a lab rat." Now, we also call that manipulation. Mothering is what we call it here. But when it's done on an adult, manipulation. This is a problem.
Now, for some people, they will do this next one. Some don't. But I'd like you to actually be honest with yourself about when you do this because everyone, everyone watching this video will say, "No, I don't." Right? The ones who do it are the ones most likely to say that they don't. So sign number four that you're mothering him, using guilt when he sets boundaries. This is flooding somebody with feelings without permission.
Now, the dark side of anxious attachment style is doing nice things to bank up points that you can then cash in. Most women in the comment sections, they tell me, "I'm secure." And then they list things they do for points and why he owes her. Nobody owes you anything. You get into explicit relationships with agreements. People can breach explicit contracts, but you can't breach implicit contracts. Implicit contracts are the secret unspoken things that you think are a no-brainer that you've earned enough points to get and now you're mad. So, usually what this turns into is, "Oh, fine. Okay. Yeah, go. No. Go see your friends. That's fine." "No." "Well, you know, I I just I had hoped, but that's okay." "Well, you know, I did do this stuff for you, but that's that's all right. We can do it a different time." Flooding someone with feelings. Coercion into forced emotional bonding. This becomes very controlling and dominating your behavior. And this is often what caused his avoidance. This is his mother. He ceases to see your face and sees his mother's face imposed on yours. At this point, this is the feminine version of domineering and controlling and coercing. This is considered a form of emotional partner violence, emotional abuse. I'm not saying everyone watching this is doing this, but I'm certain most of you have done this at some point. The "you owe me" conversation, the pouting, the silent treatment you give them in return to see how they like it. Those are the moments.
Now, sign number five. I'm certain that everybody watching this video has done overwhelming him with affection during times of stress. Okay. When men experience stress and cortisol flood through our system, it blocks our oxytocin receptors and it actually makes affection physically uncomfortable and painful. It makes our skin crawl. It's deeply disturbing. When we're stressed out, we actually need space to solve a problem. Once the problem's resolved, cortisol comes down. Oxytocin receptors open up, we feel better, and we can receive affection. But during, no, no, no, no, no. And a lot of women approach the man in their life like a three-year-old toddler who fell and skinned his knee. What does that mom do? "Oh, my baby." She scoops him up, squeezes him. "Oh, are you okay?" And then covers him and kisses. And yes, the three-year-old feels better. But a 45-year-old man does not. He gets angry. It actually activates an anger response. It activates a "get away from me. I don't have enough room to handle this." Did you know what's fascinating is this? Dogs. Dogs are animals who cannot stand being contained. So when we hug dogs and they start panting, it's actually a fear response and they are tolerating the hug. Now, there are some dogs in some occasions that love it, but most dogs cannot stand being hugged. The research is clear. Men during stress are much the same. And women then get hurt and angry and upset when he pushes her away because you've added to his stress. This oxytocin flooding while the receptors are blocked feels like sandpaper that you're grinding on his neck. Okay? Horrible experience. It also tells him he's about to be swallowed alive. Especially if you then respond with hurt, anger, and pouting and add a second stress to his life when he was already that stressed out. This reminds him of painful past relationships, loss of control. "No one cares about me." It builds a cortisol association with you. "You're my enemy. You are an obstacle I have to overcome." It switches you from a person to an obstacle. Really bad switch. You're not even his mom anymore. You're a problem to be dealt with.
Sign number six is so much worse. It's making decisions for him. And this is subtle how this usually plays out. Not always, but subtle. Forcing him to do things he doesn't agree with. Setting things up and setting up expectations and forcing him to comply. Deciding that he needs a date that night without even consulting his schedule and knowing that he's working 16 hours that day. Deciding that he needs to do this. Deciding he needs to do that. We talked a little bit earlier about thinking you know better than he does, but this is fully making decisions for him. This is pushing on him and saying, "This is right and we're going to do this." Many of you will say, "I don't ever do this." But probably toward the end of the relationship, you do. And this is usually what pushes men right over the brink into breakup. It feels like coercive soothing. It feels like they are forced to comply. It is the most arbitrary loss of autonomy. It makes him enraged. Making decisions for him instead of coming to him and saying, "I've noticed a problem. What would you like to do about this? We do have to do something, but what would you like to do about it? Here's my suggestion." That's the proper movement. Making decisions for him, worst thing you can do. That's what a mom does.
I know that a lot of the people watching this show right now have had attachment issues for their entire life. That's why I want to invite every single one of you to check out my attachment repair program. It just might be the jump that you need to go from insecurely attached and lonely and frustrated to fully secure, connected, and bonded in a great relationship like nothing you've ever felt before. Check out my website adamlaneith.com for the attachment repair program.
And finally, sign number seven, something that every single one of you are doing. All the women who say they are secure, they all do this one. Always. They do this one again and again and again and again and again. It's the second thing out of their mouth. First is, "Adam, I'm completely secure." And this one, okay, big one. Sacrificing your needs to keep him comfortable. All the women in all my videos who scream at me and say, "Adam, how dare you tell me that I don't get to have needs?" No, that's you telling yourself that. Okay. In childhood, you didn't get the love you needed and you overcompensated by giving others love that you never got. Today, you overcompensate by giving everyone around you the love you never got. You weren't appreciated, maybe by your father. Now, you're on a mission to prove your worth to men by sacrificing your basic needs to keep him comfy. Every time a woman comes to me and says, "Adam, you're telling me to cater to him?" I know that this is actually what she's doing. This also negates his humanity, by the way. It disrespects his autonomy. You're making a decision for him. So ladies, both times that you said, "I don't act like I know better than he does and I don't make decisions for him," you have sacrificed your needs secretly to keep him comfortable and walk on eggshells. You have made decisions for him.
All seven signs go forward in a motherhood. You are not his wife. You are not his girlfriend. You are not his lover. You are his mother. That's the point here. Okay? I understand where this comes from. I honestly do. It comes from a place of deep, deep love, desperate love. And that desperate part is the problem.
Now, if you're recognizing yourself in these patterns, you need to understand something very important here. These mothering behaviors, they're just the surface. They're symptoms of deeper attachment wounds that are sabotaging every relationship that you have. Now, I have something that can help you completely rebuild this at the root level. But first, you need to see what I'm about to show you in the next section because it's going to change how you think about fixing this problem forever. So stay with me.
Now, ladies, I know what you're thinking, cuz I've heard it before. "But Adam, if I stop doing these things, won't he think I don't care about him anymore?" That's exactly what I thought you'd ask because that's what everybody asks. And that's exactly why the next thing I'm going to talk to you about is going to blow your mind. Because here's what actually creates attraction in that man. Healthy, secure, mostly secure, or at least ethically avoidant men. Even ethically avoidant men match into what they want is adult-to-adult relationship dynamics, but they don't believe it's possible.
This means when you walk into a relationship with a man, you must treat him as an adult. Another way to say this is you must treat him as a co-executive at a company where you work together. He is an executive. You are also an executive. The way you would treat him and have expectations of him and work together with him and communicate. That's the level you must be communicating with him. Not like a child. Not tiptoeing around. Not making excuses. Not sacrificing your needs silently. That would destroy a company. Certainly not making decisions for him without speaking to him. Certainly not assuming you know his job better than he does. That makes you a terrible executive. And that's why these avoidant men pull away and run. Even a secure man will pull away and run if you do those seven signs to him. But an avoidant man really will.
You have to have clear expectations and boundaries in a relationship to attract a healthy or at least even ethically avoidant man because this means you respect his autonomy and his decision-making. You give him clear, exact information and ask him what he wants to do about it. You are a fully functioning adult who is in control of your emotions. Avoidant men in particular can never trust somebody who's not in control of their emotions. You doing all of those mothering things shows that you are connected only to your emotional brain and don't even have a logical brain. That's what he thinks.
So, how do you blend warmth with directness? Well, a couple things. There is appropriate intimacy during connection moments when things are peaceful and soft and there's no conflict. You can be soft and relaxed, warm, intimate, caring, loving, bonding, all of that love and nurturing that I know you have to give because the most maternal women are the most adoring and loving and affectionate and loyal and dedicated. That's you. You save those for moments without conflict.
Now, you have professional boundaries during problem-solving. When there's a conflict, you switch into executive mode. You've seen him do this at extreme levels. You do it at a softer level, but you still do it. Okay, let's have that conversation. That's how we switch in. Okay. Professional boundaries during conflict and problem-solving. And all conflict must be problem-solving. Respect this way creates safety or peace, as he would call it, for his masculine energy. He can be masculine with you instead of being emasculated, coerced, or undermined.
Now, I know you need some examples, right? I know you need some examples. Most women want the phrasing. Okay? This does not look like going to absolute extremes where you're warm, affectionate, and love bombing. And the moment there's a conflict, you're icy, you're cold, you withdraw, right? You're like on him and he says something, you go and you pull away, distant and cold, and start pouting and be vicious. No, that's extreme. Okay? That's like personality disorder manipulation territory. It's: "I'm warm and affectionate. Okay, are you ready to have this conversation now?" Okay, then you just sit up straight and you listen and you go into curious mode. "Okay, tell me more. Help me understand." You don't jump in and solve. You assume that he's a co-executive. You're sitting across a table. You're you're you're comfortable. You have a friendly co-executive relationship, but you're sitting across a table having an honest discussion about a business problem. That's the mindset you shift into. And you treat him like an executive. If you would powder another executive's butt during a meeting and bottlefeed him, that's a problem. See the picture? That's what you're doing in your relationship.
Boundaries. "Hey, this is a challenge for me. This is I have this need and it's not being met right now. We need to take care of this. Can we do that together?" That triggers you to solve problems together. Number one, now he knows that you'll tell him when there's an issue. He can trust you. Number two, you're going to filter out people who won't work with you, which is excellent, by the way. You're not mothering someone who doesn't even like you. And number three, it now triggers vasopressin bonding because you can solve problems together as a couple.
If you respect him in this way and say, "Hey, you're CEO. I'm COO, Chief Operations Officer. You're a little above me in the decision, but we're co-executives. What do you want to do, Mr. CEO?" That respect boosts his testosterone and his confidence. This is a neurochemical pathway to attraction. This is where he calms down in your presence and can receive healthy levels of oxytocin. Not scoop up the toddler, but embrace the man. Don't scoop up your boyfriend. Embrace him. Big difference. Okay, make that shift in your mind. Okay, we have a challenge. You want to handle that right now? Okay, let's put on our executive hats and let's solve it. Use that phrasing. Trigger that movement in yourself and in him. Get him used to this. It's not hot and cold. It's all love, but it's executive partnership love. You can't mother him anymore.
So, look, if you've been nodding along to these patterns, I want you to know something. First of all, you're not broken. You're not too much. These mothering behaviors, they developed for a reason. Maybe you learned that overwhelming love was the only way to keep people interested or keep them close. Maybe you never felt truly loved or valued, so you learned to prove your worth by taking care of everyone else's needs first. Maybe you know what it's like to not have love, so you have to give it to other people. Whatever it was that brought you here, your heart has always been in the right place. The problem, it isn't your capacity for love. The problem is that no one ever taught you the difference between mothering and partnering.
But now, after this video, you do know the difference. And knowing changes everything. You can see the difference between flooding someone with maternal care and creating space for real intimacy. You have the awareness to catch yourself before you slip into mothering mode. And you have the tools to create the kind of adult partnerships that actually satisfies both of you. And when you get this right, he stops pulling away. He starts leaning in. He stops taking your love for granted and he starts cherishing it.
Now, a lot of women out there and their partners are going to struggle with this process. And it's not just you causing issues. You both have challenges. Okay. If you need individual help or help as a couple, I fully invite you to email me and my team at support@adamlaneith.com. Support@adamlaneith.com. We have coaching. We have courses. We have so much assistance to train you into partnering fully in a way that feels right to you so that you no longer have to cater or sacrifice your own needs to walk on eggshells. You can build a thriving, incredible relationship that both of you will love.
Thank you for your time today. I am Adam Lane Smith, the attachment specialist. Make sure you like, comment, subscribe, turn on notifications, come to my live streams, email us for help, and I'll see you in the next.