Transcription
[Music] Hey friends, welcome to the Raising Boys and Girls podcast. I'm Goff, and I'm David Thomas, and I'm Melissa Tran, and we're so glad you joined us for this conversation. Let's dive [Music] in.
David, go. I am so excited that we're finally sitting down to do this. We have been talking about doing this for a long time. Yes, we have. Because things have changed so much. Oh, yes, they have. In the lives of girls, in the lives of boys, and the lives of parents. And so for us to think about the stages of girls' and boys' development and who they are and what they need, it really is different. And how we need to lean in with them. And so I am so excited for us to be updating this content.
I know. Me too. And, you know, it's fun to even think about what's changed and what hasn't. That's something we're going to talk about all throughout. That there are so many things that are so different than when you and I first started teaching on boys and girls over 20 years ago. And there are some foundational things about development that have not changed one bit. You know, I think kids still need the exact same amount of sleep today that they needed 100 years ago, and they will need 100 years from now. And they still need relationships. They still need to move their bodies. Like, some of those foundational things are the same. And it'll be fun throughout this series for us to talk about the things that are the same and the things that are different. And at the same time, yes, anxiety's on the rise, depression, so many mental health issues. And and how we engage with them. Just if we even just took out technology and how much it's changed in the last five years, those things are different. So yes, it's both things.
Maybe I can represent the new, you can represent the old. That seems fitting, as I have so much more gray hair than you. I think that's exactly where we need to land in that decision. But, you know, as we move into this, and I want to say clearly on the front side, we're going to travel through five stages of development. We're going to talk about who kids are in each stage and what they need. And anytime we speak on development, we are always wanting to say, hold these ages and stages loosely. Because every kid is going to move at their own pace. They're going to travel at their own acceleration. And you are going to see evidence of where kids are straddling stages sometimes. And that's super common. Even where they will have one foot in one stage, one in another, and then kind of step back and then step forward again. So these categories are ones that we've created that we think can be helpful for parents and educators and grandparents and coaches to really understand some unique things happening in certain moments of their development. And all of this within the beauty of Psalm 139. I love that passage so much where it talks about how we were made in the secret place and all of the ways that God designed us in those earliest moments of our development. And the truth of the matter is that that's true all throughout development. He designed very specific, intentional things to be happening uniquely in each stage. And it's just our job as adults who love kids to lean into those specific, unique things. And that's what we're so excited about talking about throughout this whole entire season.
Are. And we need to say that not only are we going to be talking about it, but we have invited some incredible guests who are going to be a part of this season that we're so excited about. We are so excited. Some of our favorite experts, folks who have so much wisdom and insight to these unique ages and stages. And then that have really shaped a lot of our work with kids. Of absolutely. Folks we've quoted on our books, that we're so excited we get to have conversations with. And you all gave us such amazing feedback around how much you enjoyed our including parents in the trenches, parents who are in the very moments that we're describing. That we are going to bring that back. And we're going to invite in some really wise, thoughtful voices who are going to talk about not just the ideas we're discussing in terms of what's going on, but what does that look like in the moment? How do you put feet to these action items that we're going to be talking around? And so we're super excited about that. And we're going to have some additional resources on our website that you can dig a little deeper with. Not just questions that you could use with a small group, but also devotionals that you can use throughout the week for each stage. So make sure you head over to raisingboysandgirls.com where you can download some of that material too.
So, so many exciting things going on in this se in this. So many exciting things going on in this series. This series is packed full, packed full, packed full. So you might always want to have some paper and pen on hand to make some notes because we are going to give you as much as we can possibly give you and thinking about loving kids uniquely in these spaces.
So what if we start out by talking about some stage one boys? I was about to say, David, I am particularly interested in stage one boys in this season of my my life. So will you jump in? And and if you haven't heard this content before, let me just say that I have always found it so fascinating. But even more so now because, ladies, those of you that are listening, this is like a different language for us. It is so different than how we grew up, even different than how we think. And I just, David, you know this, but I could not be any more grateful for your voice in this. And I hear that voice in my head when I'm with my little nephews, Henry and Wit, all the time. It has just been a game-changer for me. So I'm just going to continue for the rest of our lives and our friendship, I'm going to thank you for this work always. I'm just so grateful.
You are kind. Well, I want to go on record saying you have some of my favorite stage one boys on the planet in your life. I cannot get enough time with Henry and Weber. And and those two little guys are all the evidence of why I love boys in this stage so much. And and this young man, I call the Explorer. And this is boys roughly between the ages of birth and four. So thinking on boys in that space, let's talk about a couple of things that he is. And then the very next episode, we'll come back and talk about what he needs. So in thinking about who he is, I could not begin any conversation about a stage one boy without first discussing the fact that he is active. He is a moving creature. And and moving, climbing, jumping, running all over the place. Yes. And and not a flipping break dancing. Can I add break dancing for my? Please add break dancing. Please. All the things. I I don't think a week goes by in my work where I don't sit with parents of a boy of some age who is asking the questions of, why is he always moving? Why can't he focus more? Why can't he retain this information? Like, why is he always moving about? And so let's just begin our conversation there. And I have long said that I think boys have three strikes against them from the time the gun is fired and the race begins that make it harder for him to do things like sit still and maintain focus. So let's discuss those three strikes. First strike would be that the female brain secretes more serotonin, which is directly related to impulse control. So from the very beginning, she, this little amazing creature I'm about to talk about, has advanced abilities in terms of regulating herself. She has more impulse, impulse control because of the serotonin component. Strike two would be that a little girl's frontal lobes grow at an earlier stage and are generally more active. And our frontal lobes inform a lot of life, a lot of decision-making. If I were to give a summary statement or a cliff notes version of that, I would simply say it's why girls tend to think first and then act second. And wouldn't we all agree that's a very logical series of events? But I think boys do more of the opposite. Yes, we would. They're going to act first and then think sometime later. Maybe on the way to the ER, I should not have ridden my bike off that ramp, or whatever it may be. I think there's a lot of acting and oftentimes not as much thinking on board. And so let's stop right there because one of my great hopes throughout this series, not just with stage one boys, all throughout, is that as we're hearing this information, maybe for the first time, or maybe for the third time and just getting reminders, and I want to, or the 49th for me, which is still helpful. And I want to challenge you to be thinking about, how could I be making adjustments or modifications? If these things are true, if this is how God has hardwired these unique little beings, how could I be parenting, grandparenting, coaching, teaching in tandem with these realities? When oftentimes, I think we're working in opposition, not intending to, but just accidentally. And so I was with an elementary school teacher recently, and she has a boy-heavy class. And she said, David, I'm just having to rethink the whole game. It's just not the same as my classroom wise last year. I've got a boy-heavy class, and I have a lot of active creatures. And so in those different moments, I want you to be thinking, what do I need to tweak? What do I need to adjust? What do I need to modify all throughout? So let's, let's park right there. If what I just said is true, and it is more acting than thinking, how does that inform the day-to-day? Here's an example of what I think happens all the time. You are in in the kitchen cooking, returning some emails. You hear arguing or yelling from another room, maybe crying or screaming. You walk into that space. It's your daughter. She's got her finger pointed at her brother and she says something like, he just pushed me, or he hit me. And we look at the boys we love and often ask this question, like, what were you thinking? That's our first, most instinctive question. And based on what you just heard me say, what was he thinking? Nothing. Nothing. He may not have started thinking until you asked that question. I think that's why boys so often have that deer in the headlights look about them, that kind of glazed over response, because they weren't doing a lot of thinking, or any thinking. It's just that he was getting from point A to point B. She got in the way. He moved her out of the way. And that's all that was taking place. And so my recommendation would be, what if we were to throw that question out? I don't think it's so helpful to bombard a boy of any age, all throughout development, "What were you thinking? What were you thinking? What were you thinking?" Next week, we're going to talk about a better way to engage him, a better way to instruct him, a better way to discipline him, a better way to coach and encourage him. So hang tight, come back. Strike one, a serotonin. Strike two, is frontal lobe. Strike three, if it's as if that weren't enough, is that the brain stem in the male houses more spinal fluid, which is yet one more part of what makes him so physical, so active, so moving. In summary to it all, he is hardwired for activity and movement. We cannot be thinking about that enough and how we can operate in tandem with that.
The second thing that I would say he is, is curious. In fact, when you and I were talking about how much we love boys in this space, I was just in the airport a few days ago, and there's this is a common scenario, a common scene that I find myself stumbling into. You walk in the restroom, there's an amazing dad of a stage one boy helping him go to the restroom, wash his hands, all those things. And and what I need you to know, ladies, that you wouldn't know because you're not in public men's men's restrooms, is that stage one boys have so many questions about what's happening, and they ask them out loud, and very loud. And it's just one of my favorite things. And this little guy was asking all kinds of very body-specific questions in the restroom for all to be heard. And all of the men who were either at the counter washing their hands, at the urinal, sorry, too much information, we were all cracking up. He was in the stall, and we could hear this whole conversation going down. And, you know, this sweet dad was so embarrassed by how loud this little guy desperately needed to ask his questions. And so I love when that happens, and it happens often. And and it's that curiosity. He's he's curious about so many things in the world, and he's just got to ask the questions. He is also curious about the world with his hands. In fact, early on, boys are primarily tactile and kinesthetic learners. They're going to explore the world through touching and feeling. They love to build and stack and put together Legos. And we spend a lot of time going into stores and saying to stage one boys, "Look with your eyes, not with your hands." But he loves to look with his hands. So as he grows, he will primarily be a visual, spatial, and experiential learner. Now, let me run down that list one more time. Top five: tactile, kinesthetic, visual, spatial, and experiential. Where in that list did I say that he is primarily an auditory learner? Not anywhere. Nowhere in that list. It is not in the top five. And so if I were to argue throughout this series of maybe the best, most important adjustment or modification we could make on behalf of any boy, not just a stage one boy, it would be that remembering those the top five ways he learns. We are going to spend too much of his life talking at him and talking to him, and not a lot of that landing on him. And again, next week, I promise, we'll talk about a better way to engage him, to coach him, to instruct him, to affirm him. But it's not going to be with a lot of words. And we're going to bombard him with so much. And again, that's what often invites that glazed over look sometimes, like I'm just swimming in too much verbage, too much language, too much talk.
The only other thing I want to say about this little guy, and then I want you to talk about girls, is that if I were to hone in on boys in the three to four space in particular, I think there's a lot to be said for that stretch. And and and quite honestly, I don't love when people talk about the quote-unquote terrible twos when it comes to boys. Because in my experience, I don't think the twos are so terrible with boys. That's not to say they don't have hard moments. But I think two-year-old boys are kind of delightful a lot of the time. But I think three to four-year-old boys can get a little more stuck at times. Because in that developmental space, there is a a pretty big discrepancy between his skills and his needs. So let me give you an example of that. I think that boys in that space crave a lot of independence, a lot of autonomy. But they don't have the skills to back it up. So for example, we go to buckle him in his car seat, and he's like, "No, I can buckle it myself." And yet he often can't get the buckle in, and he's real frustrated by that. And so I see a lot of that frustration show up with boys in that three-four space sometimes. And and can make that a harder stretch of parenting. And maybe the best example or analogy I could give to parents would be, think about if you could remember back your first week at a brand new job, and how you had to ask for help for everything. Like, you don't know how to work the phone system, you don't know how to work the copier, you don't even know where the copier is. It's like everything is something you don't know. And it feels frustrating to have to constantly be asking for help when you feel like a competent, intelligent adult. And you know that a little farther down the road, you're going to have some mastery around those things. But right now, you don't. Three to four-year-old boys don't know that. It just feels frustrating that they can't do these big independent things. And so we'll get some pushback or some resistance or some non-compliance, um, in those spaces a lot of times out of this skills-needs discrepancy. And if I were to fast forward that about a decade down the road, we're going to talk a little later down the road. We're not excited about it, but we are going to talk about kids in the 13 to 15 space. And that is what every developmental theorist would say is the worst episode of a boy's life. And and girls, it's so complicated. And we'll talk about the why. We'll also talk about the what to do. But in that space, I see the exact same skills-needs discrepancy then. So, you know, think about what it looks like then. Is I've heard countless 14-year-old boys over the years in my office say things like, "I think it's ridiculous that you have to wait till you're 15 to get a permit, 16 to get a license. Like, I could drive right now if I wanted to." To which I always think, I never want to drive on the road with a 14-year-old boy, ever, ever. Like, I get why you think you could do it, but no, you can't. You're not, you don't have enough skills on board at this point. But I get that you want all that independence, that autonomy. And it's frustrating to have to wait for those things to catch up. So that feels of great importance to talk about, kind of the tail end of stage one.
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Let's talk about stage two girls. What's going on with them? Oh, well, I love that you said that. And and you didn't say specifically, but I I quote you, David, all the time with the hardest times of a boy's life are four and 14. Yes. I say it often. So helpful. Four and 14. Henry turns five really soon. And I'm so curious what his birthday is going to be like. I feel like he should magically, not that Henry is hard at all, don't hear me say that. Henry is wonderful. But I do wonder what's gonna shift up five. I'm very curious.
Well, I love that you brought that up because Henry is heading into. So for any mom or dad listening who feels overwhelmed by what I just said about three to four-year-old boys, the next stage is the sweet spot. Like, I'm I'm going to say, if I could freeze a boy in his development, I'd freeze him between five and eight years of age, every time around. So that amazing little guy who's already so amazing is just heading into even more amazing in my experience.
Well, I can't wait to talk about that. And, you know, it's funny, as you talk about the boy, the main words to describe boys and being active, aggressive, and curious. I do think the words we would use to describe girls are going to be really different. And as you said, there's going to be some crossover. And so I want to read something as we're about to talk about girls and where they are and how they define themselves, all of those things. I want to read y'all something a little girl who came to daycare wrote. And we have, just like any doctor's office that you go to, any therapist's office you go to, we have an intake form. And ours is a little bit different in that there is a place where kids are supposed to write five adjectives to describe their mom, five adjectives to describe their dad, and then five adjectives to describe their parents' relationship. Which is always really fun to read. And so we had a little girl come in. And as you're listening, I want you to notice any differences between her mom and dad, any themes that she says. So here were her answers. So for Mom, she said, "Okay, cooker, nice, not nice, fun, sometimes she encourages me, I like her reading to me, she loves me so much, and takes care of me, and I love them." Dad, she said, "Kind, takes his time with me, he loves me, he takes me to places with him, he helps me with my dog, I get mad at him sometimes, he takes care of me, and I love them." And then on marriage, the lines she wrote weren't enough. She needed kind of a diagram. And so she had one whole side that she wrote out, and then a slash on the other side. So on the good side, she put, "Helps each other out." On the bad side, she wrote, "Get mad at each other sometimes." And then she wrote in really big letters across the bottom, "It is gross. I hate it when they kiss." So just in case you're wondering how they feel about that.
So David, what did you notice as I was reading this? Well, the first thing I noticed is that it wasn't enough room. She needed, she had so many words. Where, how many boys have I had who've said, "Do I have to list five?" Like, they can't come up with five. And she needed more. That was my first observation. She had a lot of words. But I also noticed she's harder on her mom. Yes. Is you said that? And that is a thing we're going to talk about. Yes. Throughout her development, we'll land a little heavier in that in stage three, which are more of our teenage years. But yes, she is harder on her mom. And I I think that's something I would say has changed. I believe girls are harder on their moms younger and younger today. I met with a couple yesterday who have a two-year-old daughter, and she's harder on her mom already. So it starts early. We'll talk about why and what to do later. Anything else you noticed? Did you pick up on what her dad does for work? Not at all. Did you pick up on if her mom works outside of the home or not? No. No. Everything was like, right back to her, wasn't it? It, everything was right back to her. Which I don't think is a picture of the fact that girls are just selfish at all. But I think girls define themselves against this backdrop of relationship. And in their earliest stage, that relationship that, that they define themselves by has everything to do with you. And so as we're starting off talking about this girl, and we're going to say birth to five, because as David mentioned, our years are going to be different with boys and with girls. And so for her, we're going to call these the discovery years, because everything is filled with a sense of wonder, of discovery. And now, based on what we know about what David said, if a little boy discovered a bug crawling across the floor of his kitchen, David, you say, what would that, that little boy do with the bug? Crush it? Grab it? Put it in a ray somewhere? Yes. Oh, yes. Maybe even put it up his nose. Something really cool like that. Yes. Now, I think if a little girl discovered a bug, she would often scream, cry, and she would come to find you. She would want you to experience the bug with her. Because girls are relational. And that's where I want to start. And in fact, we're going to camp out in that truth in every stage of her development, because she will be, she is going to define herself, as we said, against this backdrop of relationship. And so out of that, part of what's going on, just like David talked about brain development of boys, one of the things for her is that the occipital lobe of her brain is more developed than a boy of at her very same age, which is what helps her take in sensory data. So I came across this article that compiled a hundred different studies that was fascinating that talked about a few different things. One is that girls are better at reading emotions from facial expressions than little boys. And I would even go so far as to say, girls are scanning. They are checking your face because girls also want to please so desperately. And so in this stage already, she is watching your face to see if you're angry with her, if you're pleased with her, if you're worried about something. She is very dialed in. Girls also excel at eye contact. Even as newborns, girls are more attuned to human voices and prefer them to other sounds, which I think is so interesting. And we all know this, but on average, girls start talking about a month earlier than boys and have a larger vocabulary. That at 16 months of age, girls will typically have about a hundred words in their vocabulary, where boys have more like 30 words in their vocabulary. I believe that. I know. And girls are more imitative and mirroring. Even in their play, they're going to be interacting more, again, from their earliest stages, which all is setting the stage for her to long desperately to connect. So she is relational. And she is also, the second word I would use would be emotional. And again, from the moment that she starts to wake up to the world, I think girls are going to, boys are going to have big feelings, but girls are going to express those feelings differently. They're going to experience those feelings differently. And I read another study out of Yale that talked about how girls often show more positive emotions and internalize emotions that would historically be considered negative more than boys, which is fascinating. Whereas boys will externalize those emotions that we would classically consider negative. There are no negative emotions. I love that Dr. Susan David says, "Emotions are data, not drama." I think that's a beautiful [Music] statement.
How are you feeling? Well, I feel a little stuffy, if you can't hear in my voice. But, you know, this is the time of year. The boys have gone back to school. And I think Henry and Wit and I, and their parents, we just circulate germs back and forth all over the place. I believe you. It is the season for germs and colds and all the things. But, you know what that makes me think of? What our dear friend Cheryl, oh, we love that, first told us about Beekeepers Naturals. Yes. And the great news about Beekeepers Naturals is that this season, you can proactively support your family's immune systems and stay ahead of the game with Beekeepers Naturals propolis throat spray and their new Kids Propolis Throat Soothing Lollipop. I'm just so impressed with. Say propolis one more time. Propolis. Beekeepers Naturals propolis throat spray is available in adult and kid versions. It provides daily proactive immune support that tastes good and soothes your throat. Their Kids Throat Soothing Lollipops are the most delicious dose of defense, providing propolis, vitamin D, zinc, and wildflower honey to soothe kiddos' throats and support their immune systems. Now, wait a minute. The adults can have the lollipops too, right? I just want to check on that. Okay, good. Good. It can definitely be a battle getting kids, or sometimes grown-ups, to take medicine. But kids and grown-ups love the taste of Beekeepers Naturals products. You can pop a Beekeepers Naturals lollipop in their lunch box, even as a sweet treat. I can't wait to do that for the boys. A sweet treat that is actually good for kids. Yes. But they have 50% less sugar, so kids won't crash after lunch. Today, Beekeepers Naturals is offering you an exclusive offer. Go to beekeepersnaturals.com/rbg or enter code RBG to get 20% off your first order. That's B E E K E E P E R S N A T U R A L S dot com, RBG, or enter code RBG. Beekeepers Naturals products are also available at Target, Whole Foods, Amazon, CVS, and [Music] Walgreens.
Basically, from their earliest age, they're going to be feeling all of these things. And what happens as sit with a lot of toddler-age parents of girls who will talk about one emotion the most. And it's often, David, what would you guess? Anger. Exactly. And we both know anger is considered a secondary emotion, which means that for them, or for any of us, when we're angry, something else is often at its root. And when I sit with those parents, I will typically ask questions like, "Tell me, when is the anger showing up more? What are you doing in those moments? What have they been doing leading up to the moments? What else might be going on?" There's got to be more to the story, typically. Because I believe girls by nature want to please because they're so relational. And so when there's another emotion that is usurping that need to please, I want to dig down underneath that behavior. Because as we know, Dr. Tina Bryson on our podcast, who is so amazing, talks about how all behavior is communication. And so we would also say all emotion is communication. So we want to be digging down underneath to figure out what that is. And I think so much of the time in those years, that anger is a reflection of what we know to be true in one in three kids. Now, with girls, twice as likely, which is anxiety. And and at that age, too, those children who lean toward worry and anxiety also often have a lot of sensory issues. So the bag in their shirt is too itchy, the seam in their sock got twisted sideways, and they cannot handle it. Or they put on jeans when they really only want to wear leggings and skirts. And so they're just melting down in those moments. And we've got to get underneath the behavior, underneath the emotion, to figure out what might be going on. So I think with those kids, a few things we want to think about. We want to start using things like feelings charts as early as we possibly can. Because because what happens for those little girls, and I will say to parents of toddler-age girls, I am honestly thrilled that your daughter's getting angry with you because you're getting to see evidence. What is happening? Evidence of what is happening internally, externally. And there will be a point that she's going to go inward with that. And when she does, you don't, you don't have the ability to work through it with her. And so we want to figure out what that is. Is it a sensory issue? Is it worry and anxiety? Is it perfectionism? Is it that her go-to coping strategy right now is control? Which for many little girls, it absolutely is. Because when we know more of what's going on, we can work through it with her in a way that I think is going to set her up for more emotional understanding and more more emotional intelligence in the long run. And so feelings charts are really important. If your daughter is struggling with transitions, if she's struggling with sensory data, really for so many kids, David, I think you and I would both say occupational therapy can be a great stopover. Yes. We could not really recommend that for enough kids because they're doing things like teaching regulation, teaching the zones of regulation. We had some amazing women on. Tell them about that episode of our podcast where they talked about that incredible. We had two amazing women on from Pediatric Therapies here in Nashville, Tennessee, and they offered so much great insight. And I love that you mentioned that because honestly, the very first time I saw the zones of regulation taught, excuse me, the first time I saw the zones of regulation taught, I thought to myself, why aren't we teaching this in every preschool across the country? Like, there's not a kid who wouldn't benefit from having that as a foundation. And so I think when we can begin to introduce and offer more of that. And I love that you talked about using the feelings chart with kids this young, even kids who can't read, these stage one kids can't read yet. And we can still point to the expression and name the feeling as part of laying that good foundation. So thanks for bringing that up.
Yes. I will never forget teaching this class a million years ago, and this really sweet dad who I loved came up to me, and he said, "I just never knew how complicated it was to be a girl." And it is. I mean, from their earliest stages, I think it is so complicated. There's so much happening inside of them. And because they're wired so relationally, it feels scary to let what's happening inside come to the outside. And just as you said, David, wisely, it's going to come out the most at Mom's already. And when it does, it's number one, a reminder that you're her safe place. Number two, it gives us something to work with. All of that work, all of that work, and helping her understand and move toward helping process those emotions in healthy ways in the context of relationship, is preventative to work against the anxiety, the depression that girls are leading the statistics on, and to help set her up to have healthy relationships moving forward.
Okay, let's talk about three quick takeaways from this stage in terms of who they are. One, I would say is remember that he's not primarily an auditory learner. So let's figure out how we can talk less and engage him differently. And again, come back next week, and we'll go through even more ideas, but hold on to that truth. What about another one? Two, I would say, until her prefrontal cortex strengthens and develops more, you really are her prefrontal cortex. You want to act as that. You want to help her get out of that part of her brain that's reactive, that's the fight or flight part, the amygdala of her brain. You want to help her learn to regulate her feelings. Really, this goes for boys and girls. Yes. And one of the best predictors at this age is attunement of teaching kids regulation. And I love, David, you talk about in Raising Emotionally Strong Boys, that we start with co-regulation before we move to regulation. And so with them, it's not only helping them find their words, find their way to the words with appropriate language, but if you can tell that your daughter or your son starts to have some big feelings, stop, take some deep breaths yourself, get down on their level and say, "I can tell you're feeling sad right now," or "I can tell that you're feeling frustrated. Let's take three deep breaths together." Co-regulation to regulation. That's how we act as their prefrontal cortex in the beginning, as theirs is becoming more developed. Yes.
David, one of the things that we're going to be doing in this series that I'm so excited about is answering questions from our audience. And so we have our first question today. Will you tell them what it is? I'd love to. So Holly from San Antonio has two kids in stage one. She's got a four-year-old daughter and a two-year-old son. And she has asked wisely, "What are she is busy. Way to go. H got a lot of activity in her house. And she's wanting to know, what are some of the most important things she could be doing for her kids in this stage?" And let's each throw out an idea. I'll start. I would love Holly to encourage you to create a calm down corner or a feelings fort. I love how many schools and churches across the country have adopted this idea of creating a little bit of space in the classroom. And we can do this at home. And I have a blueprint for how to do this in the workbook, Strong and Smart, where kids can go and adults can go when we need to work through some big feelings. And it's not a place you go when you're in trouble. It's not like time out. But it is a place that I go to get myself from stress to settled, is what I talk about in the workbook, or from chaos to calm, so I can do that important work of regulation there, as opposed to doing that on a person, which kids will just instinctively do over and over and over. And the beginning journey, as mentioned, is co-regulation. We're going to go to that space with them, and we are going to pick up some sensory objects in that space, or we're going to have some movement-based experience there, experience is there that we can engage that start to create that reset, that settling. And we can end all that with some breathing so that we can get our thinking brain back online, which we'll talk more about down the road. What's an idea you throw out?
Such a great reminder. I think, I mean, it is hard in these years because you are chasing them, you are exhausted. I mean, it is, I remember Kathleen, when Henry was probably two, saying he's like the drain in my energy pool. And I think that is so true in these years. And Holly, you, like many, with kids at this stage, are exhausted. And at the same time, I think one of the best gifts you can give kids of any age is to, we talk about this all the time, be a student of what they love. And so right now, getting on the floor with them and pushing cars along, playing with dolls, playing Candy Land, building Magna-Tiles, whatever it is you're doing to enter their world in that way, builds so, so much of exactly what we're talking about. Attunement teaches them self-regulation, teaches them sharing, teaches them reciprocity, and invests in your relationship with them for the long haul. I think I've told this story on the podcast before, but I will never forget my best friend coming over when I was little bitty, and she and my mom and I sitting down on the floor playing Candyland, which was my favorite game. And she looked at me and said, "My mom never plays on the floor with me." And I think, oh, what a gift that I had a mom who would get on the floor and play with with me. And she probably only did it for 10 minutes a day. So we're not saying an hour and a half every single day. If you can work in 10 minutes, but time where you are entering their world at every stage, including this, is of immense value in the lives of your kids. Yes.
So come back next week where we are going to build on this foundation we've laid in terms of who they are, and we're going to talk about what they need. We're going to go into some practical things for stage one boys and stage one girls. Cannot wait.
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