Transcription
In my daydreams, this documentary already exists. I already know exactly how it's going to go. [Music] It starts like this. [Music] [Music] Heat. Heat. [Music] My goal is just to live in the moment, to be present in the moment, which definitely doesn't happen to me. [Music] Yeah. Yes. It might sound strange that you spend most of the day living in a world inside your own mind. state in an unrevealed thing. [Music] It creates a gap like it just separates you from reality and I struggle to like connect with people because I've got one foot in this like makebelieve world. [Music] Some people might think everyone daydreams. It's a normal thing that we all do. But maladaptive daydreaming is no game. [Music] It's your everything. Meanwhile, the hills. [Music] Gosh, I do miss Carter. [Music] I joined the Women's Auxiliary Air Force in 1939. I was 16. Now here I am in 1940. Blackness, white lights, stuck smells, spilled petrol, pain, horns blaring, crumpled machines, crumpled bodies, someone moaning. Me. Sticky fluid. Mine. I can't see. I can't see.
In my daydreams, I've already achieved my dream of being a successful actress. The main scenario is that I'm my future self and I'm on the Graham Norton show. um speaking about the next film that I'm doing or that I've won an award for. I tend to talk about my past and it gets quite emotional, but the audience and the response from it is that people um seem to like love and and admire me for it. So uh so they were horrible, but Skype froze. It's a nightlight meeting with this big director who I think is and I have to constantly bring myself back to reality because my daydreams are just often so much better than reality. In my daydreams, everything just flows simply and properly. But when reality comes back, it's the total opposite of what I want. It can get in the way of friendships and your studies. It can even get in the way of sleeping. Sometimes you can't sleep for hours because you just don't want to stop daydreaming. And where some people, most people will daydream for like maybe a few minutes, my daydreaming is like hours. If I'm not careful, it could be up to around 4 hours a day. If it's just like a normal day, maybe like four or 5 hours. 5 6 hours a day. At least 6 hours a day. 6 hours plus 8 hours to even more. You can be 10 12 hours. Like 12 hours a day. I'm not working right now, so I spend a big part of my day in maladaptive daydreaming. The difference between maladaptive and regular daydreaming is that you can drift away and hours and hours can pass while you're daydreaming and you're detached from reality. It's not the same. When most people daydream, they kind of sit silently and and it stays in their head and then they snap out of it and they get on with their day. Whereas my daydreaming merges with reality. So, I will sit there and and have a daydream, but I'll verbalize it. I'll speak out loud or I'll pace or I'll do some repetitive movement. If I'm not walking around in my room, I'll rock back and forth on my bed or I'll play with something in my hands. I'm usually a very calm person. But whenever I'm daydreaming, I'm in motion and my eyes move around. It fuels the daydreaming. It like spurs the intensity of it because the more intense daydream I have, the more repetitive movement I do. I do it with my eyes open. I can still see my room, but I'm totally absent. I can totally imagine anything. Everything is vivid. And with maladaptive daydreaming, I can experience everything. So, I really can see every detail. I almost like can't see the real world anymore when I'm like so in my daydreams. It's just like I'm completely absorbed in it. Every time I do it, it's like I can nearly feel the texture of things. I can nearly smell them. I can nearly do those things. It's very sensory. I start to get kind of nervous in my stomach or I may get like a little sweaty in my palms or whatever. Um, my brain cannot tell the difference. My brain doesn't know that these things aren't real. Um, but my body is reacting to them as if they are. I felt more absorbed in my daydreams than I ever did in reality. I felt much more present um in my daydream. It almost sometimes feels like my daydream character is more me than I am. I'd rather be doing that than pretty much anything. Like there's never going to be a time where I'd rather be doing something else. face. Everything in my daydreams are so perfect, so beautiful. So, would I want to go there? Yes, I would. And would I want to live there? Yes, I really would. Whenever I'm living my normal life, my real life, I sometimes miss my daydreams. It's like I'm living in two worlds at the same time. It might sound strange, but the biggest problem I have with this world is other people. When I try to do something with other people, it doesn't usually go well. So, if you don't like the world that's in front of you, then I'll just create my own. [Music] My biggest daydream right now is a world which I decided to call Inanis. [Music] It's a world where different people have gone after death like an afterlife. It has desert landscapes, nice harbors, beautiful forests and mountain landscapes. [Music] There's also a city, a high-tech city, which is basically the capital of the country. And the story is about five different characters who help each other out while on a mission. They help each other get stronger. They spend time together. They really support each other. And everything that these characters are feeling, I also feel myself. And so, they've become really good friends of mine. In this world, I really struggle understanding other people and that can make living in the real world quite difficult because I often get insecure about what people mean or whether people like me or not. And because of that, I often feel like there's a lot of distance in a way. I feel like I'm far removed from the real world and the daydreaming makes the distance even bigger. I've poured like hours and hours of my life into creating these complex characters with complex backstories and all these things that have happened to them. It's complex. I mean, it's 29 years in the making complex. You know what I mean? It's weird because it's almost like a little file cabinet in my mind filled with all of these scenarios, all of these characters. I know exactly what they look like. I know what their their life background is before they came into the plotline. I choose them over making new friendships because that's not going to last. This the daydreams will. The job obviously is paying for counseling and then once I'm qualified counselor then that will be my job whilst I'm looking to become an actress. Yeah. Well, you need something to fall back on. Yes, I know mom. You've always said about a backup job. I love you. I've said that ever since you was at school. Yes, I know mom. You don't need to say it again. Yeah, but it is important cuz sometimes it's like not who what you know, it's like who you know. You know, mom, you literally said that since I was like six. Daniel Radcliffe. Oh my god. I swear to God you bring up Daniel Radcliffe again. It's true. That's one example. No, cuz he's his dad was a producer. I needed to have his feet in the right place at the right time. I know, but I've got a backup job anyway. It's like counseling. Yeah. No, that's a pretty good that's good. What do you mean pretty good job? Charming. Yeah. Does it pay? Oh my god. Did you actually just ask that question? I did. Mom, everything's not about money. No, I know. But you need You're working. Shut up. Job's a job. Is it right? Oh god, you're so The longest day dream I've had, the one that I created when I was five, was that my dad was this prince from like far off land. I was like he had ventured out to like explore the rest of the world. I met my mom and fell in love with her and had me but that wasn't allowed where he was from. [Music] She speak now. [Music] to protect us. He went back home and had to leave and never see us again because he was a prince. Obviously, I was princess and when I turned 18, I would be able to go on this adventure to find my dad. [Music] The daydream is nicer than reality. Cuz the alternative was just a man walking out on his daughter. I lost my father very early in the war. I wasn't even 3 years old. And then my mom had to work hard to support us. So my mom left me home alone all day. And those times I loved playing different roles just to be someone else. Those are my earliest memories of maladaptive daydreaming. [Music] In my daydreams, one scenario is that I'm Duchan the Great, the leader of my country and a large army. That scenario is based on Alexander the Great, who is one of my idols. Of course, there can't be two Alexanders the Great. That's why I created my alter ego and I became Duchan the Great. [Music] The world has returned to the dark ages and wars are being fought all over the world in all of Europe. I imagine that I'm waging a big war against an enemy much more powerful than me so that I can rescue the princess they kidnapped. [Music] soldiers. And although it sounds very aggressive, I can really smell the blood of my enemies and I can feel the sand under my feet and I can really see the battlefield. That is something incredible. [Music] This [Music] fable district has been in some turmoil after the contested coronation of Queens. Cinderella. See, why? Why is this Cinderella? There's been a growing divide amongst the residents. Oh, it's cuz it's the residents regarding the pros and cons of Magic, right? So, it's like Pokémon Go because we have to Yeah. So, that will point us where we go and then we have to walk over it. Yeah. But these are the actual street names, aren't they? Yeah. That's Park Place. Do you know the beast well? Oh, yes. Beast, Freddy, and Beauty are old friends. Beast and I used to we used to be an artist back in the old days, but Beauty and I are such good friends now. Okay. Oh god. Snow White and Oh, quest started. Put this together. Oh god. Oh, this is so boring. Like why did we waste 15? My daydreaming developed cuz I experienced reality at a ridiculously young age. My mom had a lot of relationships and they were with not very nice men, very like aggressive. I saw everything as a kid and I heard everything as a kid and I just felt so alone not having the power to do anything. I feel like there's a bridge between me and my mom with my daydreaming. And if like I sat down and actually said how I felt growing up about all these different situations, I feel like yeah, it'd be hard, but I feel like that that bridge would be able to be crossed or at least built because she doesn't know the intensity of my daydreaming. and like how bad it gets. Yeah. Yes. I remember back when I was studying in Amsterdam and I didn't have any connection with anyone. I couldn't get close to anyone at university. So, I felt really lonely and at some point I would do nothing but daydream. I basically gave up on the real world. [Music] It might sound really bad, but I just didn't want to live anymore. Not because I wanted to die, but I just didn't want the life I was leading. I didn't want that anymore. It was just too difficult, too much. I chose to live in another world. I just started daydreaming and in the end that's all I would do and I gave up on everything else. I didn't feel hungry anymore. I wouldn't even eat because I just didn't care. I didn't care about showering either. What does it matter if I smell bad if I'm pretending to be a warrior in another country or making friends with nice people? [Music] I just had to daydream. And every time I came back to the real world, then I constantly felt like when can I leave again? It's it's a d it's a dangerous talent. Um cuz it very easy to lose control of it. It it it more controls you than you control it. There is a beautiful saying that the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. That's how I feel about maladaptive daydreaming. You think you're in control, that you're present, that you know what you're doing, that it's just a phase. And then you realize that years and years have passed and you might realize it too late and you've wasted your life and wasted all your chances. The most terrifying thing about maladaptive daydreaming, in my opinion, is that it's a disorder that makes you love it. like it whispers in your ear and covers your eyes and strokes your face while it pulls your hair. Maladaptive daydreaming holds you by the throat and tells you to think of it as a hug. You can't feel time slip away. Minutes and hours adding up to years. You can't see how your own eyes glass over. It makes you a ghost of a person, a hollow shell, and the thing that's supposed to be inside is literally worlds away. But all you feel is the rush. It wrecks you from the inside out. But even as it hurts you, it tells you, "Sorry." It tells you, "I'm the only one who understands. Stay with me. Be mine. You're mine." Uh, it's a disorder that completely enslaves you. And that is so scary. And the second scariest thing, how it disguises itself. It's okay. It's not a big deal. Everyone daydreams. Or you have a vivid imagination. You're lucky. You're special. Be glad. Maladaptive daydreaming is a poison. It gives you like this world where anything is possible, but obviously it's not real. So like it's you know it's developed as like this for me coping mechanism which was great but then it's like you then become unable to cope with it. [Music] [Music] [Music] I want to feel happy in the real world. my actual reality. [Music] I just want to be. That's the important thing for me. [Music] The friends I have in my daydreams are my number one priority. But my goal is to let people in the real world become my number one priority, which is difficult, of course, but maybe I should just try. [Music] I thought I'd come by and check Dungeons and Dragons books, but there are more than I expected. I also heard it's handy to have those books. Yes, they are. But all these books can essentially help you build your own story. Of course, Dungeons and Dragons is all about fantasy and about creating your own world following an existing adventure. But if you really want to create your own character to know what they need and what the general rules are, then you would need the player's handbook. It explains in detail how the game works, how to create your own character in that big fantasy world. Well, I'm already getting some help with coming up with a character, but this is all new to me. I'm just trying to figure out how everything works. I think two or three others in the group are already quite experienced. I'm the rookie of the group, but they seem nice, so I think it'll be fine. Yeah, they'll be able to help you out, right? You are not aware of last night. You see Bor going towards the door and he just hammers on that door just and it is indeed bathroom. Oh, Bork. And also you he grabs you by the shoulder. Okay. After so many years, it's not easy to find a job when you're constantly in these dreams. When you constantly want to be someone else, but when the daydream stops and you return to reality, you ask yourself who you really are. Are you the person you dream of or are you someone else completely? I looked at your CV. The first thing that caught my eye is that you haven't worked in a while, have you? That's right. I've been out of work for a while after payor. I didn't look too hard because I was trying to decide what I wanted. I've been trying to make music. I'm more oriented towards that. How is the music going? Oh, well. Do you make a living for making music? Not yet, but one day, I hope. Okay. Okay. I understand that you want to apply for the DevOps position. We do have one DevOps position open, but I'm sorry. I don't see any connection between what you've done and what the client is asking for. Most clients are actually looking for a higher level of education. What I saw in your CV is that you studied electrical engineering at a technical school, right? Yes, electrical engineering. That's right. And university. What about that? I wanted to start university, but followed music. That's why I have 12 years of experience with music. You certainly aren't the first person who ever wanted to turn their hobby into a profession, but you would really need to set a list of priorities and follow it. Dash music. [Music] [Applause] [Music] I feel like I'm wasting my life here. What you do is up to you. You can waste your life anywhere. whether here or somewhere else. If I'm going to waste it, I should waste it on something good, not within four walls. It's okay for you because I'm here, but I'm not okay. I'm not okay. I'm stuck between four walls. You wonder why I don't make music. How can I? I don't work because I feel sick. I wake up there. I just sit there all day. I don't go anywhere. I don't see anything. I just sit there and it's my choice because everything suffocates me. I'm suffocating and I need freedom and I know it's hard for you. But you have to let go and accept that I'm not a kid anymore. Stop treating me like a child because that's always just made me rebel against everything and I will always do that. But you act like a child. I act like a child. And now I'm acting like a child in front of everyone. When you say jump, I jump. Remember that. And now you're looking at me. We're on camera and it's coming out. It's all true. You can't keep trying to rein me in. Just let me go already. and leave me alone. If by your art, my dearest Father, you have put the wild waters in this roar. Allay them. The sky, it seems, would pour down stinking pitch, but that the sea mountain to the walin's cheek dashes the fire out. Oh, I have suffered with those that I saw suffer. So like I did it and then like he got me to do it like loads of different ways cuz he's like actually done professional theater. So he was like, "Okay, like do it again, but don't stop in between each like sort of line." Yeah. But I think it went okay. But Rian again, she's going to let me know about that. Yeah. So hopefully that went well as well. We were looking for a part of a staff. Then we ran into that big worm and that's when you joined. All right. What was actually your first impression of me during that Dungeons and Dragons session? I don't know. I didn't really have a strong opinion about any of you because I just felt like I don't know any of these people. Yeah, you had Mariline and then stranger, stranger, stranger. Yeah, it was just typical Dungeons and Dragons and I didn't know if everyone obviously people play the game as a character. They are their character basically. So then it's hard to figure out who they really are outside their character. It's weird. You have to be yourself, but at the same time, you're also playing a character, and that makes it less direct. It doesn't feel so intense like this is. I have to give everything, but also you can just have fun. And you can make mistakes. Yes, you can make mistakes. I made a lot of mistakes, especially with that potion. My god. Yeah. I'm quite happy. I'm starting to go outside a bit more lately. Yes, that's important. Get some fresh air. I'm glad I met you. You like that? Yeah. Yes. I think it's quite funny. That's a bit hard to do with my hair. Well, you're lucky then. I guess. And where do you see yourself in 5 years if you get this job? Yes. To be honest, in 5 years, I see myself working at a stable company where I can grow, where I'm not going to be static, where I can really evolve, learn. How's Yeah. No, it's good. You just left my feet. E boy. Ew. That's gross. Mom, your honey does it as well. Gross. Oh my god. Yeah. Thanks, Mom. I've daydreamed a few times about my mom really sitting down and listening to me and how I felt as a kid. Thanks, Mom. My mom is shocked and like it gets quite emotional. Jesus Christ. There's such a release behind it when I daydream about it because it's almost like popping the cork on a bowl that's been sitting there for like 25 years, but I can't see myself ever actually confronting her. I feel like the understanding might not be there. But the daydream gives me what I need in terms of closure because it's like genuine emotion. So in that aspect, daydreaming has actually helped me. Hey, nice. Hey, nice. Hold on a minute. This looks a lot like Real Madrid. This looks like Manchester United. Oh, yeah. Hang on. talking. You forgive. I'll just be Real Madrid. Madrid. Okay. Okay. I have an emblem. Me, too. Trying to start to bluff. Yes. Banana. Hey. Hey. Hey. Okay. Badanka, congrats. After so long, I found a job after all. Are your colleagues good? They are. All of them. That's the most important thing. Working together. They're all right. There's not much to it. [Music] I'm really interested to see what kind of flower this will be. [Music] Are you hungry? Do you want something to eat? No, I'm not hungry. Do you want a shower? Yeah, I'll just take a shower. Let me know what you want for dinner. Okay. [Music] I've noticed that I'm spending less time daydreaming. It's a bit like stepping out of Wonderland, but you can still go back for a bit sometimes, but it feels very different. [Music] To be honest, the daydreaming will stay with me for the rest of my life. I don't think it will ever stop. And even if by some miracle it could, I don't think that it would happen to me. [Music] I always love the quote life is art because you never know what's going to happen in life and that's what makes it so scary you know but then also like kind of brilliant I [Music] I would say that I've become friends with the people in the Dungeons and Dragons group. And even though they're friends I only speak with online once a month, that means a lot to me. field. Why is Benedict is the only thing for a club that they benedict? Why Benedict? You have some moral in this. Benedictus moral [Music] daydreaming can be a very strong ally when you're in a good mood. But when you're in the emotional state I was in, it can be your worst enemy. [Music] I call it my dark beautiful world. [Music] is she acts that Christ [Music]