Transcription
Hello everybody. I'm a practicing therapist and a doctoral student of psychology. Today we're going to talk about matching energy or kind of being like detached and what it really resolves.
If you 100% match an avoidant's energy, you don't really resolve anything. There is a way to disconnect or detach in a healthy way that helps them to see your value and see your worth, but it's not always going to be some sort of playing games situation. I think you guys know that, but I think it's still important to clarify and re-clarify these dynamics because I do still see it happening a little bit and a lot of folks who have had calls with me, we kind of bring up some of these things and also in the comments, right?
And by the way, all calls are confidential. You might have some behaviors that are contributing to the dynamic that is making avoidants push away or pull away and then you're needing to kind of behave in a certain way, match this energy because the dynamic in of itself is already kind of disoriented and it's not getting resolved and you're not getting the affection and love that you need and you deserve in this relationship and they're not getting the space, respect, and love that they deserve. And so this is why we're getting this push-pull dynamic and what a lot of people do is they try to reel it in by matching energy in hopes to regain that love, which it does work if you do it a specific way and I'm going to explain that.
So when you back when it's um when it backfires, I guess is the best way to put it, is kind of like this. I'll try and explain it. So this is what I see, it's a pattern and if you've had a call with me, you know I've called you out on it. When you're upset about something, so you're upset about anything. You're upset that, I don't know, they didn't text you back. That's valid, okay? So you're upset about something. That's the first thing that happens. Then, what I notice you do is you wait to see if they notice. Or if they know what they did. This one is a huge one and a lot of people are like, "Well, why should I have to say it? It's so obvious." It's not. And even if it is obvious, you cannot prove definitively that they know what you're saying and what to do because you didn't say it. There's no full proof. Even if you're like 99% sure that they know, you don't have proof. And that's the part of you that you need to take for yourself, your power actually in the relationship. People think power is about being the one who's more detached. That's not true. It's not mentally healthy necessarily. But also, you're just playing another game and it's going to drive you more mentally in a certain direction and you're going to react a way you don't want to react. That's the main reason why saying something is important because they take you seriously. They know that you can't be pushed around and they also respect that you can speak up for yourself. This is part of the This is the most important reason why saying what you're feeling, even if they already know, is important. It's not about them, it's about you and how they perceive you.
The next one is what I see you guys do. Like I said, you don't say, you you wait to see if they notice or they believe that they know, and then what you do is you pull away fully without directly telling them why. Again, I already mentioned why this is an issue. You need to tell them why so that they have some awareness of what's going on and the dynamic. But, which a lot of you guys don't understand, if you don't say it, you are taking accountability away from them because they can lie and say they don't know or they can kind of like lie to themselves. They can deny it. But if you directly say it and tell them what you need, they have to face accountability. An avoidant struggles with accountability, but in order for them to heal, they need to be held accountable, okay?
The next one is you wait for them to reach out. So, you've pulled away, you haven't told them why, and now you're waiting for them to reach out. And then they don't because a lot of avoidants are stubborn, a lot of them don't know what you want, or they take a little bit longer because they're avoidantly attached. And then the last point is they don't reach out to the way you want them to, and so you eventually reach out. So, now it's all backwards. You tried to match their energy and then you kind of broke it and now it's kind of like it didn't really do If anything, it put you in a lower position and I don't want that for you. I want you to be in a position where sometimes you get your way, sometimes they get their way and you find a way to compromise. That's what I want for you.
So, how do we get there? What actually works? And we've discussed this pattern if you've had a call with me. And if you want to book a call, I've told you before, link in the comments, but a lot of you guys still ask me. That's why I keep saying it. Um the first one to actually resolve this dynamic is First, you mention that you're frustrated by their actions. So, let's talk about the first scenario we were talking about. They didn't text you back. That's fine. You're allowed to. You have feelings. You can feel the way you do. You can tell them, "I feel frustrated that you did not call me back."
Next, okay, so this is step two. Explain what it is that bothered you and what you would prefer them to do, why it bothers you. "I feel frustrated that you didn't text me back, call me back, whatever it is, because you promised that you would and that bothers me. I understand that it's not always feasible, but I would prefer that if you cannot call me back, you can at least apologize or text me and let me know later why things have changed."
You Then the third step is you want to agree, so if they agree, okay, you can make a compromise. And if not, you mention they're still frustrated. So, here's kind of the little split up into two places, okay? So, if they agree and they say, "You're right, I should have said that. Next time I'll do that." You can say, "I appreciate it. That means a lot to me. Let me know if this is too much." Something like that, okay? So, that's a compromise. If they don't and they say, "Well, I was just too busy. I'm not that kind of person. You know what you got into." Whatever it is. And you can say, "Okay, I appreciate that and you're right. I do know. I'm still frustrated and I have the right to feel that way." That's That's it, right? And so, regardless of the result of this conversation, you take time to process your frustration. Just say, "I'm feeling frustrated, so I'm going to watch some TV." It doesn't mean you disappear for like weeks. That's not what I'm saying. Even if your avoidant partner disappears for weeks, you're not going to do that because you want to show up as someone mentally healthy and secure and you want to model these behaviors. I know that a lot of you guys get upset and say, "Why do I have to do all the work?" You don't. They're actually doing a lot of work, too, but their work looks different. Them being with you is work, but I do understand why you feel that way, but the reality of it is you want this person. I know that you do and whatever direction you can do to get here is important.
I want to share another point. I've worked with many couples, okay? Obvious I don't know if you guys know this, but even before I opened consulting services with you guys, I've been working with my practice and my caseload for a while, like a couple years. And cuz some of them were when I was an intern. Like I I don't even want to explain that. It doesn't even matter. But there's like a process licensing. You have to do 2 years before you're licensed and so they came from that. Then before that you have to do interns. So it's like I've worked with some of these people for a while even when I was in school cuz that's how you do it. But a lot of times what I see is they eventually in the relationship, sometimes the non-avoidant has to make more progress or steps in the beginning, but eventually what I see is the avoidant individual makes much more steps later. And to such a point where actually the other person doesn't they kind of get more leverage later in the relationship. I know people don't like to say there's like a power dynamic in relationships, but there kind of is. And in the beginning of the relationship, I see the avoidant has the power dynamic, like the more dominant in the power dynamic. But I see later in the relationship, once you kind of change, you guys don't realize that, but then you get the power dynamic. And I'm not saying you should, but I'm just being honest with you. Because you've given them something nobody else has given them, you have no idea how much power you hold. And that sometimes that means you change first, but because you make them so happy, they're probably never going to leave you. And you can later in your life, if you're like with them for like 10 years, you can say like almost anything and you can get anything from them. I'm not saying that's good. It might not even be necessarily ethical, but it is true. It is psychologically true. And that's why I'm walking you through this because if anyone needs that information in a healthy way, and I trust that about you guys, it may help.
And so you say, "I feel frustrated, so I'm going to watch TV." You do that for like a couple hours. Then you take that bit of space to relax and unwind. Whatever you need. You don't even text them. You can put your phone away. Then reconnect as if nothing happened. You don't need to talk about it. And then the last step, bring up the issue again when it happens again or when you feel like it's necessary. Typically a couple weeks to a couple months. If you do these steps rather than the original one I mentioned to you, you will genuinely see a difference with your partner. It will make such a difference because they truly feel like they can that you're kind of speaking their language in a non-confrontational or like matching energy or like power dynamic push sort of way. You're actually kind of giving in and just being more like you are compromising to an extent. But without you realizing it at this point, you're actually showing them how much they can understand you and how much they need you.
So, I hope this video is helpful to somebody. Please like, subscribe. I'll see you next one.