Transcription
People suck, and that's my contention. I can prove it. On scratch paper and a pen, give me a [ __ ] ety sketch, I'll do it in three minutes. The proof, the fact, the factorum. I'll show my work. Case closed.
Tired of this backs slaping arten. Humanity, neat [ __ ]. We're a virus with shoes. Okay, that's all we are. I'm sorry if anyone here is Catholic. Uh, I'm not sorry if you're offended. I'm actually sorry just the fact that you're Catholic. It's got to be one of the most ludicrous [ __ ] beliefs ever. Like these vampire priests sink their twin fangs of guilt and sin into you as a child and suck your joy of life out of you the rest of your [ __ ] existence.
And I love watching the Pope bounce around in his little Pope mobile. That's the, that's got to be hoot number one on my [ __ ] CNN list. Just, I want a whole show of the Pope just bouncing around in that all-terrain Pope mobile with the three feet of bulletproof plexiglass around him. Boy, there's faith in [Applause] action, you see. You know, he's really the spokesman for God because only God's spokesman would need plexiglass, bulletproof. Don't you think? Don't, don't y'all read that the same way?
I don't know. Christianity is the weird one though, you know. Christianity, such an odd religion. You know, I was raised that way, you know, and you just suffer for it, you know. The whole image is that, you know, eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God's infinite love. That's the message, isn't it? That we're brought with believer or die. Thank you, forgiving Lord, for all those options.
But I've always found religion to be fascinating. Ideas such as, uh, how people act on their beliefs. Pro-lifers murdering doctors. Pro-lifers murdering people. I know, you know, it's irony on the base level, but I like it, you know what I mean? It's real basic irony, but still, you can get a who. It's a who. It's a [ __ ] who. You're pro-life and will kill your ass. That's what fundamentalism breeds though. No irony. You see, they take the word literally, you know. Fundamentalist.
Yeah, well, I was over in Australia, uh, during Easter, which was interesting. Interesting to note, they celebrate Easter the same way we do, commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit left chocolate eggs in the night. Now, I wonder why we're [ __ ] up as a race. Anybody, anybody got any clues out there? Where do you get this [ __ ] from? You know why those two things? You know why not goldfish left Lincoln Logs in your sock drawer? You know, long as we're making [ __ ] up, go hog wild. You know, at least a goldfish with a Lincoln Log on its back going across your floor to your sock drawer has a miraculous connotation to it. Mommy, I woke up today and there was a Lincoln Log in my sock drawer. That's the story of Jesus. Who comes up with this [ __ ]? I've read the Bible. I can't find the word bunny or chocolate anywhere in that [ __ ] book.
What do you say we, uh, lighting things up and talk about abortion? You know, feel like I'm losing some of you here and I want to win all of you back with this one. Let's talk about abortion. Let's talk about child killing and see if we can't get some chuckles rippling through the room here. Let's talk about mass murder of young unborn children, see if we can't coalesce into one big healthy gut [Laughter] laugh. Boy, I've never seen an issue so divisive, have you ever seen it? It's like a civil war, isn't it? Even amongst my friends who are all very intelligent, they are totally divided on abortion. It's unbelievable. Some of my friends, for instance, think these pro-life people are annoying idiots. Other my friends think these pro-life people are evil [ __ ]. How are we going to come to a consensus? You ought to hear the arguments around my house. They're annoying, they're idiots, they're evil, they're [ __ ] brothers, sisters, come together. Can't we once just join hands and think of them as evil, annoying, idiot [ __ ]? I beseech you. But that's me. Libra rising, the scales. And strangely enough, Shiva the Destroyer. Who would have thought it?
We're pro-life. Oh, you look, it looks like you're filled with life. Oh, little kids, please don't adopt me. Please don't adopt me. We're your new Christian pro-life parents. Oh, where's the tower? Where's the gun? Where's the tower? Where's the gun? I was adopted by pro-life Christians when I was a kid. Does my penis make me a bad boy? That's what they told me. Please give me the Satan worshipping family down the block. The ones that have the good albums. Suddenly I'm adopted by the Flanders, you know. Ha, beal, isn't it? Another beautiful God created morning. We're pro-life. Like, what does that make me? You know what I mean? You're so pro-life, you're so pro-life. Do me a [ __ ] favor. Don't block med clinics, okay? Lock arms and block cemeteries. Let's see how [ __ ] committed you are to this premise. She can't come in. She was 96. She was hit by a bus. There's options. What? We got to have her stuffed? What are you talking about? She's dead. We're pro-life. Get her out of that casket. Get her out. She's not going. We're pro-life people. There'll be no death on this planet. Pro-life.
And I always say, see, my theory, here's my actual theory beyond, uh, the huge hilarious jokes I have. Here's my real theory though. If you're so pro-life and you're so pro-child, then adopt one that's already here that's very unwanted and very alone and needs someone to take care of it, to get it out of a horrible situation. Okay? People say, why don't you do that? And I say, cuz I hate [ __ ] kids and couldn't care less. Couldn't give a [ __ ]. Don't care about it. All about abortion. It's your choice. Case closed. The end. Bottom line. And by the way, a three-month-old kid in your belly is not a [ __ ] human being, okay? It's a bunch of little congreg of cells. You're not a human. So you're in my phone book.
There. My hat is now in the political ring. Yeah. I'm just a sick guy, man. I don't know what's going on. People hate me back home. I was in Oklahoma. Lady yelling at me, you're going to hell, boy. [ __ ] it. I'm already in Oklahoma, lady. [ __ ] it, man. Say something that might scare me, like my return ticket is canceled. [Music] You're going to hell. I wish some, I wish I could meet a Christian who would prati to me. They keep running away from me. I want to talk to y'all. They, they bolt when they see me like bunny rabbits and car headlights. Come back, Christian, come back. I want to ask you some questions. You know, Christianity is such a weird religion. A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back, he's going to want to see a [ __ ] cross? Ow. That may be why he hadn't shown up yet. [ __ ] they're still wearing crosses. [ __ ] it. I'm not going. Dead. They totally missed the point. When they start wearing fishes, I might show up again. Look at that big gold one on that rap dude. Uh-uh. It's kind of like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on, you know, thinking of John. Jackie, we love him. Trying to keep that memory alive, baby. [Music]