Transcription
We've arrived in Act Two of our show. Back to *Of Mice and Men*. So, this next bit of radio drama is not an experiment for us, like a musical or an opera. We thought it would be smart to have one story in today's show where we know what we're doing. A type of radio drama we actually bring you now and then on the program. A true story told on stage by the person that it actually happened to. Please welcome comedian Mike Birbiglia.
It's pretty easy following a musical. I, I think that my favorite thing about being married is actually that you can share jokes with your wife or husband that are funny to you and that person and no one else. Other than maybe your cat, because when you have a cat, your barometer for humor is out the window. Last summer, my wife and I went on a trip to Massachusetts. And and I called it "Cats-a-choo-sits," which is not funny. But in our house, was the joke of the year. I was like, "We're going to Cats-a-choo-sits." My wife is like, "Everyone loves a good pun." When you have a cat. And so, so we drive to Cats-a-choo-sits. And when we arrive, my wife has a headache. And she asked me if I will acclimate Ivan, that's our cat, to the bedroom. Cuz you can't just put an indoor cat into a house, cuz he'll explode. And so I bring him in the bedroom. But I'm so tired from the drive that I fall asleep, which is the only thing you cannot do when acclimating an indoor cat to a house. And so I wake up an hour later. Ivan is gone. He got out. And so now I'm running around the house. I'm like, "I'm, you know, my cat's gonna explode." I wake up my wife. I say, "Chloe," her name is Jan. I say, "Mr. Fantastic is gone." His name is Ivan. And Chloe gave me a look that I can only describe as "divorce eyes." Because before that point, I was convinced that we would be married forever. And then once I saw the divorce eyes, I was like, "Oh, I guess this could end." And if it ended, it would look a lot like that. And so now the two of us are running around the house. I'm like, "My marriage is falling apart. Like, my cat's gonna explode." And we find Ivan.
But we had another major problem in the house, which is that there were mice in the house. And it was actually worse than that, because they were, they're parasitic mice. They have what's called toxoplasmosis, which means they have... yeah, you might know what this is. They have a parasite in them. And as a result, they're unafraid of cats. And they're unafraid of people. And the way we discovered this was that my wife was watching TV and she looked next to her and there was a mouse. And he was watching TV also. And she screamed. And he just looked up at her like, "Soo-ar little, like, 'Hey, what's going on? I don't like this show either. I don't know why all those women would want to marry that one guy.'" And then she pushed him off the couch. And he didn't even run away. He didn't even scurry, which is a verb invented for mice. He just walked into the kitchen like a roommate. Like, "Fine, I'll go in the other room. I just think you're overreacting." And then he did a confessional into the mouse cam in the kitchen. He was like, "I'm not here to make friends. I'm here to win. I was here before they came. I'll be here when they're gone. I'm the mouse." That's some real mouse lives of Cats-a-choo-sits.
That night, I'm sound asleep. And my wife wakes me up by grabbing my face. She says, "Mo, my name is Mike. Mr. Fantastic found the mouse. You need to get the mouse." And I sit up and I say, "Chloe, we have a cat. We do everything for the cat. We give him food. We give him an apartment that he thinks is the world. We set aside an area in the apartment for him to poop in that we clean more often than the area where we poop. We have a gentleman's agreement that in the unlikely event that a mouse should walk in that door, and he will kill that mouse, we will never speak of that mouse again. And he will be protected." That's from *Cat Father*. My wife says, "Mo, get the mouse." And I sit up and I see what may be the strangest tableau I will ever witness in my entire life.
[Music]
It was a little bit like that. It was actually... I've been smacking the mouse. The mouse flies in the air. Lands. Gets up. Walks back towards Ivan. Smacks the mouse. Flies in the air. Lands. Gets up. Walks back towards Ivan. Ivan is thrilled. His toy is alive. I have a serious sleepwalking disorder. So as I am watching this, I'm not even really sure it's happening. I'm thinking, "I've had this dream before." My wife says, "Mo, get the mouse." And she hands me a cup. I sit up. I walk towards the mouse. And the mouse walks towards me. I put the cup over the mouse. I put a magazine under the cup. I take the cup into the backyard. And I put the mouse into the forest, where I can only assume that he walked into the mouth of a wolf. And from that day forward, we have called it Massachusetts.
I want to point out something really special that happened there at the end. A few minutes ago, I prefaced the story with a Massachusetts-based pun, "Cats-a-choo-sits," which we all agreed as a group is not funny. Just moments ago, I concluded the story with another Massachusetts-based pun that was nearly identical, and that was "Mouse-a-choo-sits." And we applauded it. Which means, in a way, it's like we're married.
[Applause]
I do.
[Music]
Mike Birbiglia. He's on his hundred-city "Thank God for Jokes" tour. Joy, which Chicagoland-ians come to the Chicago Theatre in September. Everybody hearing us on the radio or podcast, there was a person and a mouse costume on roller skates in that story doing really funny stuff. And then another incredibly talented person. To see the video of this entire show, you will not be sorry. This American Life dot org.
[Applause]