Transcription
Hey guys, hi. Thanks for coming today. Don't touch me ever, Partch.
We brought Ford, Honda, and Toyota owners together today to talk about reliability. Is that why there's no Chevy owners here? Because their cars broke down? Yeah, I'm just kidding, but not really.
Who are the Ford owners? Me. Who's a Honda owner? And you guys have Toyotas? Yes, I own a 1999 Suzuki GranVitara. Anybody?
Ford owners, would you be surprised to hear that Ford is the most reliable car company? No, it doesn't surprise me. Basically, everyone in my family has a Ford. Well, you know the old saying, "Family that rides in a Ford together doesn't die in a Chevy." Well, actually, it's not Ford. There better not be a Chevy under there. Holy [ __ ]! Where'd that sheet go? What in the actual [ __ ] is there a giant vacuum back there or something? God damn, that's the first thing Chevy's ever done I'm impressed by.
Are you guys surprised it's Honda? No, seriously, how'd you do that? Well, actually, Honda is not the most reliable. Really? There better not be a Chevy under this one. There it is again! That sheet disappeared faster than this commercial did. My god, where are these sheets going? Toyota. I mean, I knew in my heart Toyota is one of the best brands out there. You guys finally did it, huh, Partch? You blew your budget on the big doors and now you got to use sheets? No, but for real, where'd that sheet go? It's actually not Toyota either. Yep, you ought to be a Suzuki. I knew it! Suzuki my balls, Honda. I'm just kidding, Karen. God damn, lighten up. I knew you'd switch over to real brands here one day, Partch.
Here we go, time for the big reveal. Go ahead, Partch, rip that sheet off and show them a Suzuki. And no, no, Partch, no Chevy! Oh my god, we all know you're lying. You know this is the most tragic magic show since Siegfried got attacked by that tiger, or was it Roy? You know what, it doesn't matter, because there's no way a Chevy Cavalier is more reliable than a Honda Civic. You know what, I'm tweeting Toyota about this right now. Dear Toyota, Chevy is full of [ __ ] and saying that they're more reliable than you based on a recent nationwide survey. Chevy is more reliable than Toyota, Honda, and Ford. You guys didn't survey any mechanics, huh? Wow, I never would have thought. Yeah, that's because you have common sense. I'm so impressed. You're impressed because they made up an award and gave it to themselves. Well, I'm about to impress the [ __ ] out of you guys because I just gave myself a survey. I'm giving myself the biggest dick award. Also, I'm giving myself the best forehead award. Yeah, I just inched out Rihanna to give myself that acolyte. So I just looked it up, and these claims are based on a single, limited survey commissioned by Chevy itself, and it looks like only 48,000 surveys were completed out of almost 900,000. Your reliability survey is about as reliable as your costs—not very. I guess you guys didn't get the JD Power reliability award, huh? So you just made one up? You know, without your marketing team, Patch, we would both have to find new jobs.
Okay, so I went ahead and I printed these out for everyone to read. It's the 2018 Consumer Reports reliability survey. Here, just take one of these and just pass it down if you would, Carol. As you can see here, Chevy is listed under the less reliable column, right underneath a single, rusty, broken axle. This might have been slightly wrong. Okay, no, but seriously, where'd that sheet go? Hey, do we still get paid since you took this commercial down?