Transcription
Here's what codependency is in a nutshell. Let me, let me say this loud and clear so everybody gets it. It's a neurotic, so not neurotypical, not healthy, not boundaried. It's a neurotic drive, drive, not choice, not lifestyle, not religious practice, not spiritual practice. We are driven. We even that choice, a word of neurotic drive, driven. That pointer is in motion. It's impulse. It's not ecstatic. Have no choice, no choice, no freedom. You're slaves. I'm a slave. Codependency keeps us enslaved.
So, it's a neurotic drive to serve based on a terror of negative emotions. If you're not talking about this, you're not talking about codependency. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, but it's something else. This is codependency, ladies and gentlemen. So, if we unpack this, I don't think I've ever done this. But if it's a neurotic drive, so drive is an impulse, emotion, that's something in motion, something with energy. And it's a drive to serve. But what is it? The drive to serve? It's fixated on terror of negative emotions. But what are you serving? Grandin might simplify and say, "Being a slave is bad." But what are you a slave to? What are you addressing when you're serving? We simplify it and say it's people-pleasing or conflict aversion.
But in a sense, if you respond to these pointers of like, "What would be healing just to myself?" Some sort of healing. Just feeling really attacked right now. And I just wonder, where is the healing on this? Is this supposed to be healing? Is this supposed to be healing? Is this? They're basically having an emotional reaction and blaming you. They're basically having an emotional reaction and blaming you. They're basically having an emotional reaction and blaming you.
So, if your codependents are responding to those cues, what's the service? You're serving the other person's needs, or you're serving to make them happy? People-pleasing to seek their approval, or to deal with their tantrum? This is what toddlers do. They throw tantrums when reality doesn't play out in the way they think it will. This is what toddlers do. They throw tantrums when reality doesn't play out in the way they think it will. Is what, "Or be what I want you to be. Be what I want you to be. Be what I want you to be." I don't want complexity. I don't want complexity. I don't.
So, if we take the pointer of neurotic drive to serve, and then we judge serving and judge being a slave, then we no longer have a container for serving. We still have a care of meeting somebody else's needs or taking care of a toddler. This is what toddlers do. They throw tantrums when reality doesn't play out in the way they think it will. This is what toddlers do. They throw tap. Like, "You're attacking me. Attacking me. I'm really attacking me. My nervous system is really." I so we get our buttons are that we somebody needs some pleasing or healing or something, and then we jump and address that. But the pointer, because it's imprecise on the serving, or we make a judgment on being a slave. You fixate on terror of negative emotions. And then when you fixate on terror and have emotion, negative emotions, you have the minefield. The second part of the longer video. So you have to go through the minefield.
What are the mines? These are emotional flashbacks. What are the worst ones? What do you hate to feel? Well, if you're a codependent, my hypothesis is you hate to feel guilt. Because it's not just about an emotional flashback. This is a unique, powerful emotional flashback. However, it takes you right the way back to the horror of childhood, where most likely you were a parentified child. That means your mum or your dad forced you to play the role of me, a friend of parents, of co-conspirator, of confessor, or whatever it is. So you are probably terrified of guilt. So you ramp. What the fuck does terrified of guilt mean? You're having a meta-emotion. You're having an emotion on a meta. I mean, emotion on emotion, an emotion. So it's a meta-emotion. And then you're being terrified of guilt. And then, but what does the guilt mean? So if you're terrified of guilt, because if you fail at your guilt, you're going to be punished. You're terrified of the punishment because you failed. Why would you be terrified of guilt? And then if you frame it as terror of guilt, guilt is your capacity to respond. So if you're not satisfied with your guilt, that's a pointer for you to build your skill of responding to things better, or not responding to the stuff that you don't need to respond. That's guilt. If you feel guilty, your brain is thinking about, "How can I be competent? How can I get shit done? How can I please a person?" That's, "How can I do behaviors effectively?" If I feel incompetent about doing the behaviors, if I can't meet the other people's expectations, then I feel guilty. I can I take blame. But having terror of of having what fear of guilt is that what he said? So you ramp up the pity. Oh, that's later. But having terror, fear of guilt, that sort of like, uh, "Where is she? We hate you. We hate you. We hate you. We hate you." Hating anxiety. "We hate you. We hate you. We hate you. Shut up." Having a meta-emotion, fear of guilt, is counterproductive. Guilt is about a skill. It's about an action you take. If you have an emotion of the feeling that is about a situation, you're not paying attention to the situation. You're just paying attention to the anticipation that you might feel guilt. Which maybe he has a lot of meta-skills. So you can have an emotion on an emotion on an emotion, which is probably very exciting in his life because one emotion dominoes. Who knows where you're at? It if you have an emotion about an emotion about an emotion, you're not in motion. And this metaphor is about navigating a minefield. Another metaphor that's about moving through stuff. The metaphor of drive to serve are both verbal move, motion. And this metaphor of the landmine is also navigation. It's not a static metaphor. Guilt. So you ramp up the pity for your partner to avoid the feelings of guilt. And then with this mind, and there's a third meta. So you have fear of guilt. So you ramp up another emotion to compensate for your fear of guilt. So how are these three emotions situated? You have ramped up pity to avoid your guilt, or is it to avoid the fear of your guilt? And then what the fuck are you supposed to do with what's the unmet skill that the guilt's addressing that you're feeling pity and fear and guilt? This is emotionally. This is an example of emotional literacy field on a daily basis. What you have to do is run all the way around your own minds. Oh, circuitous route. Which is why when I try and do coaching with you, you're so good at mental and emotional acrobatics to justify the stuff that you've done. So who's smart and can recognize what emotion is he invoking in the audience when you just said that? I will play back that portion to help you. This is why when I do coaching, what you've done there's automatic for you to go, "Ah, well, but X to justify the stuff that you've done." Which is why when I try and do coke, this part, what emotion is he evoking? This is our test for the the group today. Sharing with you, you're so good, uh, mental and emotional acrobatics to justify the stuff that you've done. There's automatic for you to go, "Ah, well, let me just dissociate and create some unicorn fantasy where this secretly means that it's the ultimate manifest shame." Change. Yeah, shame. Any other emotions? People are sensing needs of open humiliation. Yeah, guilt. Okay, so he talked about codependents being very guilt-sensitive. Then they have pity. And then he evokes people's guilt when he made argument that there's too much guilt. Where I would try to say, "If there's guilt, why do you have guilt? What's on that need? A lagging skill? A bad map of how to get from at point A to B? Owning stuff that you don't need to own?" And then that would lower your levels of guilt. But if he's just redirecting the guilt to him as a teacher to yell at you as a kid again, it's same thing, isn't it? It's just moving some characters. Station of my yogic practice to let my boyfriend or my husband abuse me in front of other people in public. You pity them because you're trying not to feel guilt because guilt is not just a bog-standard emotional flashback for you. It evokes feelings from childhood. And the guilt probably triggers toxic shame. Which is the, "There, Debbie had the shame. Ellie had the shame." So he was triggering that in advance. Then he's mapping it out. And then it's just like, "You just have to work harder." That's sort of the embedded answer. Or you judge yourself for having this, and you're just screwed. Worst emotion that you can feel. Oh, but it's still a precise pointer. But what I think is overlooked is the motion part. The navigating through the landmines is an is a motion. It's a point A to D. It's a goal-oriented type thing. Neurotic drive to serve. Drive is a motion thing. And then serve is serving something. But what are you serving? That's a bit unclear. And if you're dealing with a narcissist or a parent or an abuser who says, "That's not it." That's their answer as, uh, to just mess with you. "No, no, no, no." So I just evoke a lot of guilt and shame in you. No, if I'm an abuser, I just tell you, "That's not it." "No, no, no, no." My question. No, my question. My question. I wasn't trying to connect. I wasn't trying. So that's a crazy-making because yes, you have an erotic drive to serve, but you're serving somebody or something that's unclear. You can't track A to B. Or if you get from A to B, then they change B to C, and then they say, "You got it wrong, and you heard it wrong." So your neurotic to drive to serve is actually good. You're actually serving, and you're reading it right. But then the other person's fucking the feedback up, giving you double binds. Then you judge your neurotic tried to serve, or you judge your guilt. But that's not the problem. That's just a smoke and mirror game. The problem is the communication to talk out what exactly is the goal, what is the transaction, what is the unmet need of the person that you're trying to people-please, and get it spoken before you do it. Because then they can just say, "No, no, no, no." Then you're just arguing realities. No. Or they just mess with you. They just, they'll keep trying to shift it. They'll keep trying to shift it. They'll keep trying. It's a moving target. So they'll keep trying to shift it. They'll trying to throw you off the point. Trying to throw you off the point. Trying to throw you off the point. And you might actually be on point. Your guilt and your pity and your shame might be right. And then they just tell you it's the wrong destination. Or they just move stuff around because they, they're playing a game. They want to mess with you. Who knows why? Maybe they don't even know what the goal is. You might be accurate addressing all these emotions. Then you're going to workshops and they say, "You need more emotional literacy." Maybe your emotional literacy is accurate. Who's thought about that? So this was from Day 16 of 30-day challenge in January. So I shared this in the post and said this was from the early boundaries meeting from 2000. So the goal is you need to have two points. You have to know where you want to go. Right here, me. You have to have your aim. And your aim is about what you're serving, a need or want. And then you have a again, you want to get towards something, and you want to get away from stuff. You're paying. But your abuser and other people, the manipulators, are going to get you focus on this area, their blind spots, and their pain points. And a lot of this is just a stuff that ain't going to happen because it's just noise and fear. Eight o'clock. Okay, we've got good time. So, uh, neurotic drive to serve is about motion. It's about direction. Navigating the landmines is also about direction, orientation, motion. So if all of your fixation is about avoiding the ants, I want to avoid the pain. And then you have an aim. You have an aim to serve them. But once you give up your power to let them decide where to go, they can just go, "No, no, no, no, no." They just keep moving the target. "No, no." Or they confuse you. And they're just following different questions. My questions. My questions. And it's easy for them to throw in different questions because you've scripted this. You've scripted this. You've scripted this. You've scripted this. That was part of Brad's observation about the YouTube comments in my 30-day challenge video. Those people that are attacking, defending ground, and they're following. It looks like a script. Looks like a formula. So it's easy for them to knock me off balance because you've scripted this. You've scripted this. You've scripted this.
And then they can just keep, "No, no, no, no, no." Because the problem with boundaries is not that you're not setting them. The problem is you aren't defining an aim about your wants and needs, which is what I'm illustrating from the video of the 30-day challenge and talking it out. Richard Grannon gave me, kicked me out. So he said, "I ain't gonna be able to talk in the forum." So I said, "Okay, well, fuck you. I'm still gonna go after my aim and learn. I can still do your fucking challenge without being in your challenge." So I'm still getting my wants and needs met because I can go around you because it's my fucking life. I'm not gonna go just get resentful and try to force him to change. That's the trap. That's what those people in the comment sections are trying to do. They're trying to get me to shut up because somehow my voice, in some small sector that doesn't influence them, is invading their aim. Boundaries has turned into, "Let me go order people around and shut people up." That I have limited control over. What kind of life is that? How are you going to get anywhere? That might be why people are depressed and anxious because they're going nowhere in life. If you're just going to hang out by avoiding your pain, listening to bullies that tell you to do stuff that avoids their blind spots, you're spending all your time not triggering other people, wounded healers and teachers who are using the group for their own benefit. You're messing in noise, and you're not going to get anywhere. I think that was supposed to be Act Two.
I'm still digesting the attacks I'm getting from the comments, which aren't that much, but still, it takes. You feel overexposed. So we have some time. So let's go with this video. Do you have to be in a relationship to heal attachment issues? Relationships are of zero use for healing anything. I disagree with this answer. Now, I wouldn't say that you have to be in a relationship to deal with attachment issues, but it can be useful because wounds that happen in a relationship sort of need to be, uh, healed in a relationship. So, but I think Richard Grant is getting triggered by his own stuff. And you can read his body language and see. They're not magic. They don't do anything. They're just people. You're just around a person, a human who's the same as you. They're as messed up as you are. They're as confused as you are. As frightened as you are. Relationships don't heal anything. Ever. When you're not ever. Very argument. If I strongly disagree with that. I think relationship tests you. You know, we all like, yes, they test you. That's a benefit of a relationship. They test you. The other person can reflect back stuff you don't see. They can push your buttons. Yes. See, that's an easy counter. I wanna, I wanna add all. So it also helps with communication. You are able to communicate very well with those. Well, you can learn to communicate very well. But if you have a relationship with someone that doesn't agree with you, then it might make you feel that your communication is bad. Therefore, relationships get in the way of feeling good about yourself. You know, where is like when you think about growing? You know, you learn on mistakes, and you can only do that in relationship. You can't look at yourself in the mirror. He is referring to relation, romantic relationships here. But even then, by him saying they have nothing and there's no benefit, that's a bit of a jump. I'd say romantic relationships are the most triggering. And by me staying in my relationship for five years, I was forcing myself to stay with being helpless. I was forcing myself staying with her triggers, her stonewall of two-year-old baby saying, "I didn't do anything wrong." I stayed with that. So that learning experience, I would have never gotten outside of a, outside of a romantic relationship. And then the question is about healing attachment issues. So your attachment wounds, if you're not in a romantic relationship, how's how your attachment was going to get triggered? Ideally, you should work on it before. So then when you dive in, you're ready. But ultimately, until you test yourself in a, in a intimate intimacy, you don't know how much you feel. On the flip side, I would also agree that you can lose yourself in relationship. And that's a downside of codependence. So you can imagine with the other and then forget about yourself. But people do that already on forums and everything else. By wrestling and fixing a relationship, you're not triggered. So there's nothing to be work on. That's not true, is it? His reaction is that about him or her to be work on? That's not true, is it? Don't be naughty. See, don't be naughty. How does he know that the questioner is not being honest? When you're not in a relationship, you're not triggered. So there's nothing to work on. Is it possible that she could have worked on stuff and she's only triggered when she's in a relationship? I think it's reasonable. But he's reading into that. When you're not in a relationship, you're not triggered. So there's nothing to work on. That's not true, is it? Don't be naughty. Say not to true things. When you're not in a relationship, that's the time to work on your issues. So did you notice his lack of eye contact? What he was saying, the instruction things. When you're not in a relationship, that's the time to work on your issues. What emotion is he showing with his micro expressions and body language? Any guesses? Furtiveness. Did someone get that from some giant nuanced emotion chart? Seems like he's thinking about walking specifically, like some specific thing in his own life while he's saying that. Yes, he's answering from his life experience. Escape. Holly, he doesn't even care about what he's saying. Oh, it could just be throwaway words, or he's trying to escape something dodgy. I swear to see that discuss James. Escape. That's the time to work on your issues. So if he's, um, giving advice to other people that when you're not in a love relationship, that's the time to work on your issues, then if he's giving a lot of dodgy, shameful, embarrassing emotions, that means if he's listening to himself talk to himself, he's not esteeming himself as working on his issues outside of her relationship. You don't need to be in a relationship to heal attachment issues or any other issue. Relationships are not a pathway to healing. That's not what they're for. They have no function at all. What the fuck does this mean? That's where the second part comes in. That's probably the right way to look at relationships. You know, just be like, "There's no function in a relationship." It just is what it is. There's no function in a relationship. It just is what it is. So he did that little tongue chuck right before he said, "There's no function." Or is what it is. He's trying to get away with making it sound coherent. Is what it is. What the fuck does that mean? This is what it is. And why so dodgy about relationships? It just is what it is. So the relationships have any type of purpose or benefit? They're not a tool. They have no function. The pleasure in the relationship is the relationship itself. There's, I mean, there can be benefits. You could say, "Well, I'll get into this relationship because then I get sex, or then I get access to a dad's yacht, or it gets me a better job, or I get access to his money, or something." I don't think of relationships in terms of purpose or benefit. So he doesn't think of that in terms of purpose or benefit. So how does he think about relationships? I'm a human being. I, I must connect with others. It feels good. Is that a purpose or a benefit? It feels good. And these must because he's human being. I like to be a part of a community. I like to speak to people and then watch their little eyes light up when they tell me a story, and they make me laugh. I may, oh, this might be a clue. So he's overreading people's eyes to get acceptance, people-pleasing, approval, make them happy. And somehow that eases some emotion. I, um, they can watch my little eyes light up and the same thing happens because that's what we are. That's the animal that we are. We're, we're built for relationships. We're attachment-seeking machines. All this talk of purpose and benefit, it's a bit cold and psychopathic. You shouldn't be thinking like this. People are not things. They're just people. They're just bits of you. They're not other. They're you, man. It's all you. So when you use a person, you're using you. It's extremely traumatic and very painful for both parties. Ultimately, ultimately. Well, everything is a relationship. You have relationships with object. Look, you've changed. Everything is a relationship. And you have relationships with objects. Before they had no function. Actually, predominantly with people. Hey, can I connect? Unless I feel like there are only three roles, even in this forum, even in these relationships. Three roles that we play. Three roles. Three roles. Same. And it's always the three rules. Your adult, your child, or your parent. He strikes me sometimes as a child, most time as a child, sometimes as a parent, never as an adult. Are you saying he has not grown up? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. If he can say that shit, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, but he can play a good parent. A lot of people follow him because he plays a parent role. Yeah, he's a child or parent. But and I think that's why, why sometimes Ellie just jumps in because she can't stand kids. When somebody's like, behave like a kid, like, I can't stand kids. Yeah, yeah. Adults like this. Adults. And so he's just ridiculous. So anyway, I don't like. I mean, kids are lovely, but I could never eat a whole one. Eagle. Well, you are, and that makes sense because I'm in the mode of of of transitioning very young people, children into adulthood. So that is my, that's, yeah, that's my universe at the moment. And so when I thought that in adults, in adult bodies, yes, it disgusts me. You're right, Igor. Very good. Thank you. I'm finding it very frustrating too, Ellie. I, I'm not necessarily disgusting. I just chin out from this juvenile nonsense. I feel like I'm dealing with a teenager, and I'm not interested. Thanks. So relationships, if you want to turn it into a simple thing, it's simply point A to B. Your relationship between where you are and where you want to go, or where you are and where you want to get away from. You want to get away from your fears and pains, and you want to get towards your aims. Those are relationships. And having friendships and relationships with people can help amplify or benefit your wants and needs, or it can also add pain to your life, or it can create a lot of noise and a lot of fantasy that ain't going to happen. But a lot of the boundary setting is just to set boundaries about what you want, and then you just whine and tell the person to change instead of doing the work of trying to figure out, "What do I want? What are my wants and needs? And how can I also move towards what I want instead of just focusing on what I don't want?" Then you might feel good about yourself and will be a little less depressed. How do you find out what you want? I'll put that as a note to make sure I try to address. You follow your pain. There's a quick answer. You figure out what you can't live without. You watch yourself and you see what you do. And when you self-sacrifice things that you desire, and you're willing to put your passion into something that's painful, that'll give you a clue. Or you say prayers at night like, "God is love. God is love. God holds love." And you'll get a Pierre Exo as a plug will tell you an answer in your dreams. But we'll see if we can address that by Act Three. Stated that there's a purpose or a benefit. Like you've gone to a person, you did a bit of work for them, and they give you money. That's a purpose-based explicit relationship. Well, everything is a relationship. Well, everything is a relationship. But everything is a relationship. So eventually owned up everything as a relationship. How to navigate it? Is this how Richard Graham is navigating it? Because it's me first. You know, all of this is therapy for me. It's entire. It's an entirely narcissistic project. You're all existing inside of my narcissistic, my grandiose false narrative of, you know, wanting to help people and and you know, uh, pull them out of confusion and darkness and blah, blah, and so on. Like everybody who does this kind of thing has that narcissistic narrative. Everybody who does this sort of thing has this narcissistic narrative. Is this a research survey sharing that he's saying, or is it his own personal reflections that he's assuming and projecting that all people in the space or whatever that is is acting out of personal narcissistic agendas? That's the relationship he's describing that he has with his Spartan life coach project, or his role. Narcissistic narrative. It was me first. It was self-interest that drove me because of previous experiences. I knew that if I was helping other people, that I would help myself. And so, you know, I'll hand over fist help people because I know from experience they'll help me. And I have no problem with that. I have no, I'm not more, I have no like moral qualms. He has no moral qualms about that. So if he has a neurotic drive to serve based on terror of negative emotions, him running the group and helping other people heal and doing challenges and whatnot is taking advantage of his terror of negative emotions to have a neurotic tribe to serve. He's getting a payoff from what he's diagnosing as the problem. So then how can he fix a problem if he's motivating himself exactly through what he's saying is obstacle? That's sort of he's created an internal double bind, which is a frustration that leads to these sort of secret outbursts on Instagram. You might think so. Would you include your own material in that? And all I would say is, I wouldn't fucking listen to it. I wouldn't, I wouldn't listen to my material or not. I don't, I don't watch them back. I've never watched a video back on narcissism in eight years. Can't stand it. Really hate the subject. So question: Do you follow other self-aware narcissists? If so, do you find them helpful? So he doesn't watch others, and he doesn't watch his own stuff. You might think so. Would you include your own material in that? And all I would say is, I wouldn't fucking listen to it. I wouldn't, I wouldn't listen to my material or not. I don't, I don't watch them back. I've never watched the video back on narcissism in eight years. Can't stand it. Really hate the subject. So this is more of a schizoid type defense where you're blocking feedback and blocking reality. And then if you have terror of negative emotions, it could block feedback that limits a trigger. Navigating the landmines. But the downside of blocking feedback is that it's hard for you to grow and learn from change because you're blinding yourself while you're navigating. So imagine driving on the highway and just covering up your eyes or putting the map in front of the windshield. And then when you're doing that, and if you have anxiety because you have your mouth in front of the windshield, what you should do is should follow brene. "We hate you. We hate you. We hate you. We hate you. We hate you." You're driving around and you're blinded because you don't want to feel your emotions and make sense of the map. So you have anxiety. You should have anxiety. You suck at getting from point A to B. If you attack the feedback, "We hate you. We hate you. We hate you. We hate you. We hate you." Or you fear your guilt because guilt makes you feel pity and toxic shame. When guilt is trying to tell you, you have to fix your car. You have one of your wheels is broken. That's why you're driving down the road all scattered or something. You have a check engine light, and you just cover it up. That's essentially you fear your guilt. That's all you're doing. So how do we get out of this? I guess this is enough Richard Ben analysis. Let's give some Jordan Peterson since they made so much fun of him, but they said his psychological teachings were very useful. So Jordan's insights on trauma. Lots of times people have to go to therapy or or talk for a long time to someone to find out where they are because your experience might have scattered you everywhere, and you just, and you feel that things have that you've come apart at the seams. Right, the things have fallen apart around you. That you're in chaos. When you feel that you've come apart at the seams, that's another pointer for saying you feel toxic shame because shame is the glue. So when you feel like your life is in order, and there's structure, and things make sense, and you're integrated, that's your positive feedback of shame where you feel pride and esteem that things are working, things are efficient. When you're dealing with abusers who just, they'll keep trying to shift it. They'll keep trying to shift it. They're trying to throw you off the point. Trying to throw you off the point. Trying to throw you off the point. Distracting you by saying, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no." So when you're dealing with that, and you're letting that person lead you, you're going to feel like your guilt is not enough because you're trying to address, be responsible to address things that you're being blamed for, and then you're not going to meet your needs. So you're going to feel fragmented inside, toxic shame, trauma, you don't know where you are, and, and so, and disorientation, confusion, doubt. Where am I in life? In space? We're all sort of feeling that generally after two years at pandemic. Have we reached endemic points yet? I still don't know. Some people are saying be scared of the VA5, and some people are saying, "Oh, we gotta live with him." And then the president's saying nothing. So what are we supposed to do? Well, maybe you have to bring yourself up to date. And you can know if you need to be brought up to date. It's fairly straightforward. If you're obsessed by memories of the past, oh, pretty straightforward. If you have emotional flashbacks of the past, and it's obsessive that you would go read Pete Walker's book and try to get through that book. You might match what he's describing. More than 18 months old. And oh yeah, if you have flashbacks and memories more than 18 months that you're obsessing about, then you might follow his tips. Most of those are negative. So terror of negative emotions. This is codependency, ladies and gentlemen. It is a neurotic drive. No choice, no freedom, to serve, to serve, to submit, to form, to supplicate. It is a terror of negative emotions in yourself and in others. I assume Grant is talking about more than 18 months. Same pointer, right? Just different words. Anxiety-provoking. Most often, you can always use Renee's answer. "We hate you. We hate you. We hate you. We hate you." Because hate destroys boundaries. So when your anger and your shame isn't working, anger is another pointer for guilt. So you can't manage your guilt, and you can't manage your shame. Choose hate and attack anxiety or attack depression with your hate. And if you want to be smarter, attack somebody else's anxiety and depression. Then you'll feel good because you feel like you're fixing, helping people. Outer critic for the win. Then there's a lot of you that's stuck in the past. And what that means is you didn't map the territory well enough. And the parts of your brain that are alarm systems, anxiety systems, are saying, "No, no, there's holes in the way you're looking at the world. There's holes in the way that you're looking in the world, and you fell in them once, and you don't know where they are, and you don't know how to fill them, and you don't know how to walk around them." So this is a nice way of talking about the landmines. So there's anxiety system is telling you there's holes in your mouth. There's unexplored territory in your map. There's danger places in your mouth. So you're anxious and you're nervous because you don't trust your map. Or you have people that are distracting you and just giving you. So you're confused. Oh, Brad's having an adventure. Yes, you're confused. And you have a bunch of landmines or holes. He's describing. He has holes in your map. Richard Brandon described it as. And then with this minefield on a daily basis, what you have to do, run all the way around your own minds. Oh, circuitous route. Same pointer, essentially, right? So what's his answer? And so you can't forget them. You can't forget them. You can't forget them. You can't forget them. You're stuck back there. Your body is still reacting as if there's an emergency. Emotional flashback, right? Pretty much the same description. That could happen again. Hypervigilance, PTSD, all that stuff. Same pointer that you haven't fixed it. Doesn't matter if it was your fault. That's irrelevant. Because there, this is a different interpretation. He's not saying guilt is bad. He's not saying fear guilt. He's not saying guilt leads to pity, leads to shame and whatever that stuff. It doesn't matter whose fault it is. That's the straw man that the narcissist and abuser will tell you. They'll overreact with moral judgment on your failure of guilt. But it doesn't even matter. The perfection attack is just to fuck with you. That's what I'm trying to catch in the comment section. They're just trying to poke the perfection thing, and I still want to try to address it or defend it. But it's just to mess with you. So it doesn't matter that you did something wrong. It doesn't matter if it was your fault. That's irrelevant. Because it matters that your map, your navigation is off. You're going into potholes, and you don't know what's around the next turn. Your GPS lost signal. Pretty simple. The alarm system doesn't care. Like when your smoke detector goes off, it isn't relevant whether it was your fault. The smoke detector just says, "House is on fire." And that's a bad thing. And your anxiety systems are like that. If, if they're tagging old memories with anxiety, then you have to do something about it. You don't have to do something about it. You can follow brene. "We hate you. We hate you. We hate you. We hate you." Just channel Greninja or pull the battery out. So what do you do? What does Jordan say? Or you will be tortured by those memories forever. Is that C-PTSD? Is that the description? You're tortured by emotional flashbacks. So you have to go use the 13 steps from Pete Walker's book to manage your emotional flashbacks every day for years on end. Also, while you're shrinking your inner critic. And once you get those two down, then you have to start trying to work on shrinking your outer critic. Then once all that's stabilized, when you have an emotional flashback, then you can start grieving and angering, which would be like five years later of constant rigorous work using Pete Walker's book. And then you'll get some stability and some friends. But you'll still have grief triggers that will bring abandonment, Malaysia, however you pronounce that. Because if you have BPD tendencies genetically, you will always be abandonment depression sensitive. You'll have abandonment terror. But does he have a different answer or other tips? Because that's how the alarm system works. And so maybe you need to go back there and clean things up. You got to figure out, okay, well, how did this happen? You have to go back into the past and make sense of it. That would be like journaling and reflection and documentation of your past things. And not just a racing shit like random. What sort of role did I play? Even if it's a minor role, and there's the guilt. What did I do? How did I contribute? That's worth investigating. If you want to play the role of, "I am blameless, and let me just set boundaries and blame everybody else." Sure, that'll work. But you're just hanging out in your blind spots or other people's blind spots and your fears. You aren't going to get anywhere. That's not to say going after your wants and needs is any easier. Because when you do this, you're going to trigger other people's blind spots. And when you trigger their blind spots, they're going to attack you. Right. "I'm sorry, you're not being helpful to me right now." "Being helpful to me right now." "I'm really worked up right now. My nervous system is really, really hot. Just feeling really attacked right now. Feeling really attacked right now." "I'm trying to have a conversation. I'm trying to have a conversation. I'm trying to have a conversation. I'm trying to be more fucking constructive." "Be more fucking constructive." "I'm just whining. I'm just whining. I'm just whining." So pursuing your aim is not some magical answer. It's painful. It takes work. It takes risk. It takes learning a shit. It takes growing muscle. So yes, it's much easier to hang out in other people's blind spots and your blind spots and hang out and noise and fantasy delusion or just fighting feedback. "We hate you. We hate you. We hate you. We hate you." I could fight the beeper. 735. 835. Well, that doesn't matter because the point is, is that you don't want to be put in the same vulnerable position again. So what role did I play? Even if it's a minor role. That doesn't matter because the point is, is that you don't want to be put in the same vulnerable position again. Well, there, see, that's a nice spin on "never again." Instead of just setting a goal of "never again" and just being defended against that, you could look at what the fuck did I do in the past that contributed to the "never again," and can I work on that? Isn't that a little more hopeful than just saying, "Fuck relationships. Relationships are my blind spot. So I will never again have relationships. I will write them off." You could say, "What did I do wrong? How did I choose it wrong? And how can I fix it? How can I improve it?" And then you lower your chance of having it of it happening again. So anything you can do to strengthen yourself is good. Strengthen yourself is good. Strengthen yourself is good. Build the muscle. Strengthen yourself. Build competence. Then you feel more capable. You feel more skillful. And when you feel more skillful and capable and competent, and your map is better, more predictable, less blind spots, your guilt goes down. Your choices of different paths increase. Your depression goes down because now you can, you feel like you're not a loser, and you're not telling yourself a loser to motivate you. Another common trap of healers. Most teachers are indirectly saying, "You're broken. You're not good enough" to get you to buy the course, to get you to jump through all the steps. Because that works. It gets clients, and it feeds the teacher's ego. And that's just the norm. The more devious people can just create a wound and say, "You're fucked up." Didn't even exist. Creating a need. Then you buy it, and they're the expert at meeting that need because they invented it. It wasn't even a problem. So this is an example of that territory. Do you feel remorse for what you did? Not really. He doesn't feel remorse or guilt. In court, he's tried because he threw a window through a glass. Something full-step meeting. So you had to go back to court to not go to prison or something. So judge Aston, do you feel remorse? Not really. Why doesn't he feel remorse? This is the pointer of higher ground. "I was throwing that chair was the best thing that ever happened to me. I didn't throw that chair through the window. Uh, I wouldn't have stopped drinking. Wouldn't have joined A.A. or stuck with therapy. When I threw that chair, my my nephew came back into my life. No matter how much I told him to scram, relationships, he just stuck around for 40 years." I have pushed people away, not because after critic, Antony sabotage, also lack of trust, push people away. I have pushed people away, not because I I thought they would hurt me, but because I thought I would hurt them. I thought somewhat common with codependence. I would think scared of getting triggered and acting out and harming people from the harm you receive. But then that isolation to protect others limits you from healing because you always have to be on guard of not acting out, not harming people from your harm. But I would hurt them. I told myself I was doing it for their own good, you know, because I'm broken, right? This would be more of a genuine codependent. They recognize they might harm people and they try to prevent that. Where marginal codependence, that might be at some more other illnesses, they might just rewrite the story when they harm people and just erase the feedback. That might be pseudo codependence. More people we just have reflection error, limitations. I was wrong. I wasn't broken. I was sick. And when you're sick, you, uh, you gotta let the people who care about you to help. You gotta let the people who care about you to help. And that's a hard thing because you need trust. If you were sort of supporting him, that co-independence hurt people. I thought co-dependents hurt themselves, not other people. Um, could you be more clear or could you repeat that a different way? Um, I think that you repeated the statement. I think that the actor says, you know, "I was afraid to hurt." And I think he repeated something saying here, "Codependent. Codependents hurt people." And I'm wondering, is that really a true statement? That codependents hurt people? In in my, uh, experience, codependents hurt themselves primarily. I don't remember exactly saying what you're reflecting back. I think what I was trying to point out was that codependents are afraid of hurting other people, so they self-isolate. Okay, I totally relate to that. And then I was saying that people who are marginal codependents or fake codependents, who are very common in the support groups and wounded healers, would hurt people and then just rewrite this story. Which I'm offering to you as an as a red flag test when you deal with people that when they hurt you or hurt others out of their past pain, and when they hear that feedback, they try to run away from it or escape it or something. That's probably not a genuine codependent. Got it. Thank you. Because a lot of the people that are more overly active at rescuing and all this stuff and impression management, just like narcissists are good at impression management, there may be fragile narcissists that go into healing communities or go to therapists who will over-advertise and use their impression management to portray as a genuine codependent. But if they act out of their trauma and they don't feel guilt or they try to erase it away, that is not a genuine codependent or not a genuine trauma survivor. In my top-down, very harsh judgment, because I'm not, I have no professional certification, so I'm allowed to randomly diagnose and grow shit and hate anywhere. 8:45. What we supposed to cover? The question was, how do you find out what you want? That was one thing. And then that video sort of said, is encouraging you to unsilent yourself. And I'm, I'm giving you a roadmap from doing it myself on the YouTube channel. And you can see whether I get killed from it or something. I don't know. So that's the ongoing process. Oh, so the question of how do you find out what you want? You have to discover your principles. So some.
Teachers might say, "Just choose random values and just shape-shift into that." I would say that that's kind of infantile and stupid. That might work, but Jordan Peterson quoted different, like Young and other people, and said that you can't choose your values; they're already in you. So you follow your attention, and you see what you're willing to sacrifice for. You see what you're willing to, uh, something that you can't live without, or you don't have any of that.
One of the tips I've given is that you look at your past suffering, the things that caused you pain, and you put a lot of sweat, tears, and energy into. And can you flip that into something to contribute back to the world, to make it meaningful? So if you're stuck, go into your past pain. Can you turn that into something forward-looking? That's where some people start, like, uh, foundations due to a family member that died, to have some legacy continuity. Same thing with your grief. So if you suffer through addiction or this and that, then that was a giant part of your life. You developed a lot of skills and a lot of time, sweat, and tears in that endeavor. If you can now take something from that and have a forward-looking project or a process or some legacy, that would be a something that gets you into motion. Because boundaries is not really about just saying random shit or just saying no to random people or just ordering people out of your blind spots. That's just a nonsense shell game.
Oh, that's how we can end it if you guys are ready. That might be too much, though. It's about just getting into motion. And then as you're in motion, and Peterson has some like, "wish upon a star" map where you go towards the star, and then the star moves. So then you have to adjust to that. Then the star is somewhere else, and you adjust. So you're you're hacking out your values as you just go towards anything. But codependents might want to control the outcome. Or if your outcome is never again something else, then you aren't you don't have a target. Then, yes, it feels like, "How do I know what I want?" Because your your orienting fixation method method is avoidance or social safety. But you get social safety when you have aims. When you're in the game of life, other people respect you. If you're just people-pleasing to be invisible, no one sees you. So how do you get social status if no one sees you? You're avoiding being harmed. That's reasonable being unseen, but you aren't going to get any social belonging or connection if you're just invisible.
So this is a teaser for a future meeting, but maybe you guys can digest this. And I edited it to make it a little better, but it's still a little word salad-y and confusing, but that's authentic. This is trying to teach you how to deal with word salad. It's trying to teach you how to deal with abusers, how they talk, and how they how they think. So I think this offers a good taste of how it feels. And then I can upload this shorter clip, and we'll probably revisit, uh, this guy's, uh, work in the future. Ha ha. "I won. I won. You don't follow rules because you're serving the highest cause." "Yep, that's virtue." "I won. And since you've got the best virtue, the rules don't matter." "Yep, best cunning. I won." So this is not about memorizing. This is about you seeing the pattern of how that guy answers and how the stonewall, the stonewall is: "I'm never wrong. I won. I'm a saint. I know more than you. You're absolutely wrong. And also, you offended me. I'm the greatest victim." It's all the stonewall, but it's sort of repetitive and robotic. So maybe it can sink in a little deeper. There's a lot of just top-down. "Yeah, and with the best cunning, you win." "Yep, I won." "Since I'm sweet, I should cheat." "Since I cheat, I can beat that." "I beat proves I'm sweet." "You're so..." He broke it down into three, three shell game. "I'm sweet, so I'm nice. So because I'm nice and charismatic, I can cheat. So I break the rules. And if I win by cheating and being sweet, then I beat other people." So all three reinforce each other, which reinforces being an asshole. But since I'm sweet and I can cheat to hide my assholery, I get away with it. Which is why codependents feel resentful and want to chase after assholes. But the world allows assholes to get away with this formula, and it's relatively simple. So I got a future meeting. I'll try to simplify this down because he presents it a bit weird. "But sweet, I'm a saint." "You're a saint because you cheat?" "No, you idiot, because I'm a saint, it's my duty to cheat." "You're a saint who cheats?" "No deed too dirty for a saint like me. I can do no wrong. I can do no wrong." "What makes you a saint?" "That I always win by cheating." "It's not cheating when you're a saint. It's serving a higher purpose by any means necessary." So if you're a saint and you're serving a higher purpose, so if I'm a social justice warrior, the ends justify the means. So I can destroy you, I can dox you, I can cancel you, and I feel totally no guilt because I'm serving a higher cause. And then you hide behind, "I'm serving the higher cause, so then I'm perfect because I'm serving that." And it's it's a variation of this, "by any means necessary." "Bad people don't follow the rules." "I try to teach them what they should do, and they just persecute me." "I can do no wrong. I can do no wrong. Sweetness means perfect integrity. I never contradict myself. I'm a saint. I never have to doubt myself because being a saint means I'm perfect. Because being a saint means I'm perfect, I can do no wrong. I'm perfect. So no way are you a hypocrite?" "That's right." "Why?" "Because I said so." "Because I said so." "And I'm all well, that's happening in the comment section." "I said so, therefore it's true." "And my call-outs, people just say, 'I didn't do that. That's not me.' And they they don't give evidence. That's a baseless claim." But it's coming from this top-down, "I said so." And then they'll say, "I said so because I'm morally right." That's the same pointer. So that's moral outrage. So if I'm moral and I'm moralizing, I'm and I'm righteous, that's me being sweet. That's me being a saint. That allows me to judge anybody and everybody. Pretty cool, simple formula. "He's right. Always right." "Because because I win, which proves I know everything." And then the winning. So if I just keep making hollow victories, hubris, pride, every tiny point, I'll just say, "You're not perfect." Ha ha. "When the greatest victim, pity plea, I win. I change your perspective. And change sandboxes. You chase. You took the bait. I won." Therefore, since I won, I'm a saint. And I'm a saint, I'm a winner. I'm never wrong. And since I'm a saint and I'm charming, that means I can talk down on you. Pretty good. "I channel God to lord it over everyone." "To lord it over everyone." Did you ever hear the dark triad personality type? Narcissism is thinking you're perfectly sweet. You're thinking you could do no wrong. That you're a saint. Okay, but not me. I'm not a narcissist." "Why not?" "Because it sounds bad, and I'm all good. I'm the." "And because he said so." "Best." Okay. Machiavellianism is omniscience, knowing all the tricks, how to wriggle out of anything, how to break all the rules. "Yup, breaking all the rules makes me smart." "If it's bad, it's not about me. I'm the best." And psychopathy is like omnipotence. You can beat others by any means possible. You're all powerful. "I am all-powerful, but I'm no psychopath because it sounds bad." "Yep." "And I said so." "You've got a shell game going. You're just trying to put me down. You're persecuting me. I'm a holy martyr." "Anyone because I said so." "And if I said so, and I say it fast enough, and I monologue, I win." "And since I win, that makes me a saint." "And that allows me to cheat because I'm fighting for God." "Who disagrees with me proves I'm right, righteous, and mighty." "Oh, if anyone disagrees with me, that proves I'm right." That's some calls. "I'm a holy martyr. Anyone who disagrees with me proves I'm right, righteous, and mighty." "Your disagreement proves I'm right." I like that logic. Write that down in chat. Your disagreement proves I'm right. Throw that into some comments and confuse people. "I wonder because I said so." "I can do no wrong." "Because I said so." "I won by any means necessary." "I won because being a saint means I'm perfect." "I won because I said so." "I won." Ha ha. "I won." "He won." "I got nothing." "I could end it with some other stuff." "I think that's good."
[Music] [Applause] [Music] [Laughter] [Music]
It'll make your mind turn. It'll make your head spin. But for the narcissist, we're sitting there lighting our heads like, "Yes, how powerful am I?" It'll make your mind turn. It'll make your head spin. But for the narcissist, we're sitting there lighting our heads like, "Yes, how powerful am I?" It'll make your mind turn. It'll make you