Transcription
That makes it so much easier on him to just Venmo me instead of going to the bank.
How would you not want it to be easy if he's going to send you money?
It's used as a tool for female sadism. This child support hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Shakespeare wrote this and it's still true. And nowhere do we see this better than in high so-called high conflict custody battles. A lot of fathers enter these custody battles with a naive assumption. And that assumption is reinforced by therapists, professionals, evaluators, and courts. And that is that the maternal instinct sets a moral flaw on their behavior. That however hurt or angry they may be, they won't deliberately undermine the child's well-being. And that is because we're all raised with the social narrative that maternal that maternal motivation is inherently child centered. And that naivity costs them ends up costing costing them a lot. And I'm going to show you uh some things today that might rid you of it.
Look at this for example. You look happier. Thanks. I got divorced and gave him full custody. And then she's dancing. So she's she's saying how happy she is that she gave up her child. People ask with genuine disbelief. How can a mother weaponize her own children to punish an exartner? To understand what happens in these cases, we have to rid ourselves of this comfortable fiction that female harmful behavior is driven by pain and confusion or that she's simply emotionally disregulated. It's simply too easy to call all destructive female behavior cluster B pathologies or or or borderline behavior. A much more accurate lens comes from trait-based psychology, the dark tetrad traits that is narcissism, machavelianism, psychopathy and sadism. So where cluster B asks what is she feeling? Dark tetr will ask what is she gaining? These are not diagnosis. This is much more widespread and we immediately associate it with male behavior and that is because it was studied mostly in populations of men. So prison populations and military and corporate and politics. So, we're still under this public assumption that these are male traits. And that's because female dark tetrat expresses itself in a different way, more subtle, more relational aggression rather than overt aggression. Like we talked about in the earlier video, but it is equally widespread in women. As you can see, even the Guardian reported on that more women may be psychopaths than previously thought. things experts. It is also heritable as we see here and that means we cannot simply say oh it's a trauma response and we also have research showing that in par in parental alienation cases the majority of those driving that behavior are mothers not fathers. So fathers lose not because they are bad parents, not because they're disengaged, but because they are applying normal psychological assumptions.
The first trait we're going to show is the narcissism. The the narcissistic injury here in these cases, it's not the it's not about the abandonment or something the father did. It's it's the humiliation inherent in the in the rejection of the failed marriage. and and a mother who has excessive narcissistic traits, she would she would see share parenting as um as a threat. It's a it's a it's humiliating to her. The any any sign of the father's continued bond, the kids attachment to him, it's this intolerable reminder that uh that he didn't just disappear. And I found this interesting video right here where you see two things. You see this uh me me I am the center and this this thing that really annoys me where why why shouldn't you stay in the relationship for the kids why shouldn't they be the center you made this decision you are responsible for your choices why shouldn't you stick it out you can either stay in this to stay for the kids or you can realize that and this was the big aha moment for me was when I realized oh my gosh I'm about to live out the relationship I saw my parents go through if I stay for the sake of staying for my kids. And that's when I went, I'm raising two boys. Like, I need them to see their mother loved, adored, ravished. So, the narcissistic injury here is that she is no longer loved, adored, and ravished.
And this video is from a courtroom where a father has custody of the of the child, but the mother is somehow under the illusion that the child support is for her. So why are you here? >> Just for my for my son, of course. >> Right. But you you're maybe you're missing it. It's going like this going over your head. >> Stop paying the child support. And I don't think that he should stop paying. I think he >> he should stop paying if the child has been living with him for the past 3 years. Under your original court >> under your original court order, Mr. Eugene, give me a second. Under your original court order, you were the person that the child was living with. >> Yes. >> Not him. >> Yes. >> So that mean you voluntarily relinquished conservatorship over to dad. >> Yes. >> Right. So, dad should be the person receiving child support from you. >> From me? >> That's what I said. >> As you sound right to you? >> No, ma'am. >> Um, why doesn't that sound right? Because you're the mom. >> Yes. And I have to buy things for my son and I can't do it alone. >> He buys things for your son. >> Well, I need to do that, too. You make $400,000 a year, ma'am. >> Well, I have employees and things to pay. I mean, you know. >> Okay. >> I don't think that he should stop paying the child support. >> What do you think he should do? >> Pay me more. >> Pay you more? >> Yes. >> While the your son lives with him? >> Well, I still see my son. >> Okay. Yeah. But >> like maybe once a month. Yeah. Maybe. >> Oh, I see him more often than that. >> Maybe. No, >> maybe once a month. >> I see him more often than that. >> What's more often than that? >> Well, once a week. >> So, this is this is clear narcissism. There's no there there's no thought of her son. None. So the way that women use the child support is evidence of the narcissism because they view the child support as a payment for their hurt. This was a woman who who got uh quite infamous from for these court updates and she um in the end her her her child support was cancelled from a very reasonable judge because she had been spending it on bags and posting that on online. So, take a look at this. So, I had court again today because a new judge was assigned to the case. If you don't know, I get $3,700 of child support every month. And I use it on myself. I don't use it on my kids. >> And this is a woman who just thinks that it's all about her. It's I mean, if you can watch this video and still hold on to this maternal motivation is child centered. You're you're willfully blind. >> Took my baby away because my ex-boyfriend is an abuser and I'm not with him anymore. So, I want my baby back. >> Right. But the child hasn't been living with you. The child has been living with him. >> Yeah. >> It's like she's talking about a car with him. >> Yeah. Because of my ex and I'm not with my ex anymore. >> Oh, yeah. So, no, it doesn't work like that. >> You can see why this judge is now my new spirit animal. She's just amazing.
And that narcissistic injury brings on a couple of other things. So, that will activate the next trait. So, Machavelianism which is deceit and manipulation and we should make a distinction here between uh the manipulation in mach of Machavelianism and what we experience as emotional man manipulation of the cluster B of the borderline the borderline patient she's she's ruled by her emotions she can't suppress an emotional state for to make a long-term plan but the mech Achavellian person can that's what they do. So they'll appear coherent. They'll appear always calm in court. The behavior will never be be blatant enough to to catch them out or to confront. Each step is framed as temporary, cautious, professionally advised and contact will be reduced incrementally. Nothing looks overly malicious. So you can actually look at the machavellianism as the psychological opposite of what a borderline patient will do where the emotions are chaotic, everything is chaotic and where the the the emotional state and the moment rules. And uh if you go to divorce talk or family court talk, any of any one of these, you'll see that women are coached, taught how to do this long before any separation is filed. Take a look at this for example. Want to know how I have a court order for $1,200 a month in child support for one child? Let me tell you something that most moms are leaving on the table. They forget that daycare expenses, after school programs, extracurriculars, medical expenses actually matter and they're called add-ons most of the time. This is just my own experience. I am not a lawyer, but I have been in custody and child support court for about 7 years now here in California. And so, I've learned a few things. So, you see her her expression is satisfied. She has a little smirk. Uh she's completely calm. She knows exactly what to say. She's been on this rodeo before. And if you turn off the sound, you can't really distinguish this video from the Instagram videos where women will talk about self-care and have a bath and this and that. It's completely uh void of of any remorse. So, it goes handinhand with the psychopathy trait, right? That you can cause harm without remorse without any thought of other people's feelings. So, this is deception, manipulation, planning, harm. >> Add-ons are not optional. They were actually my right. They're the law. So, I utilize that. And when you pay $1,000 a month in daycare expenses, half of that actually has to get paid by the other parent. That's what I learned for myself. So, the narcissism is clear. This is about this is about her well-being and she's proud.
Another way we see Machavelianism is if we go to the the the blogs the where fathers tell their stories there are things that happen again and again and again. So the mother will position herself in a place of emotional authority. So she'll she doesn't tell the child what to think. She's able to tell a child gradually how to understand what has already happened. So, you know, comments are always framed as reflections, never accusations. They'll always frame it as concern. So, it's always been difficult for him when you did that. He probably finds it challenging to deal with with your worries on his own. That something she cares, she understands. Um, he doesn't he doesn't mean to get angry, you know, he never meant to get angry. He just struggles when things feel out of control. So it's about it's about him. We care about him. Each one preserves plausible deniability. Um, but cumulatively they rewrite the emotional meaning of past interactions. So doesn't matter what the father does in the moment and it doesn't matter how he plans to change in the future or what he does in the future because she's sitting there with a child rewriting the past. And then we know how that can affect memories. the child's own memory starts to shift. This is an absolutely devastating Reddit thread. Um, parental uh parental alienation, alienated dad, helpless hope. You see all these stories uh written down where they're absolutely powerless against what happens in when when the child is with the mother. And this worsens during adolescence when children begin to question authority and they seek moral alignment. Um, the mother doesn't position herself as a director but an interpreter. So she's the one who helps them make sense of their experiences and then gradually the the the a shared narrative then forms between the mother and the child. Something they something they often do is that he's demonized. He's pathized. he's emotionally limited or easily overwhelmed or you know well-meaning but unsafe. You know he's always found it difficult to articulate things and therapists make this much worse. They are there they are and we have to understand something. uh psychiatrists that they have to straddle this balance of being a doctor and being someone that women come to drink coffee with and and and gossip about their ex and you know they struggle with this balance let me tell you this is one such therapist now listen to what she's saying and put it in the the framework of what I just just told you about Machavelianism You show your child that you have boundaries with all high conflict people in your life and it might be their parent and you have to start showing some boundaries with that and your child will follow suit. >> Right? You can see what I said. We're just we're just concerned about the children with with all it's very carefully worded with all the with with all people in their lives. So these are those are the people sitting and talking to women guiding them through these custody battles. This is what so they teach them how to teach the kids therapy speak. And so fathers describe really on repeat how how their children come home uh to him and they feel distant and the conversations feel monitored and and and his jokes fall flat and um they they say things in clinical language like this is making me feel uncomfortable or I'm needing space and s suddenly you know bedroom doors have to be closed although they were never closed before and you would be shocked. shocked at how many fathers say that the kids start documenting what they're doing that they are monitored by the kids that the kids record them that is something that occurs with disturbing frequency. There's of course this alliance between the children and the mother over time that forms and this is then when the father has been successfully pathized as a as the damaging part and in these cases of machavelian psychop female psychopathy the violence lies in what's done to the meaning of the relationship with between the father and the children. the bond is severed through reinterpretation and the children they don't they're not she never has to instruct them to reject him. So that is the distinct danger of female relational psychopathy. It leaves no fingerprint.
>> Yes, you should absolutely be filing contempt every single time your ex is missing a payment. I filed my first contempt charge when my ex was 28 days late on his payment and that was only 2 months after he was even put on a formal child support order. Do not let these people get $16,000 behind. When someone in the comments is like, "Oh, mine owes $50,000." Like, why are you letting them do this like foot on neck? Get on them. You file a contempt charge, then you'll go to court. They'll have to be found in contempt like you didn't pay it. Are you working? >> You see the same thing here in her face. She's she's gloating. She's um she's showing contempt. This is about vindication. And we'll we'll get to vindication in a short in a in a short bit. But this is just to show how it's a it's a master plan. This is very different from borderline pathology. This is very strategic and calculated harm. I mean, the the just we're not going to get into how much money men have to pay in child support and how often they have no ability to pay it. Um, but there is no no feeling for the father. He doesn't he doesn't have the child and he has to pay. There's no there's complete lack of remorse remorse. There's no way to look at this uh if not through the lens of psychopathy.
I was trying to prove that my baby daddy was inconsistent. Um, I was trying to keep our original plan that we agreed upon, which was him having our son every other weekend. He was trying to get 50/50 because I was also putting him on child support, which he did not like. So, um, I was trying to keep our plan. He was trying to get half of that. And so, okay. So, you just called a father who wants 5050 custody and dad beat dad. That is how easy dads are labeled deadbeat. It's just someone you don't like anymore. He's a deadbeat dad. >> That and so my proof moving forward was proving that he doesn't deserve more than what he was getting because he's inconsistent. So what I was doing was I was printing out um calendars of them each month up until our court date. And every day that he wasn't it wasn't his parenting time, I would document and write down how many times he was calling his son or if he was calling his son at all. So I would jot down how many times that he called his son that day and how long those conversations were for. And then again if he wasn't. So you see she's documented absolutely everything. She's telling women how to lay this master plan. And you can just imagine if you're alone with a child, you have a busy day. And then as a father, the hoops that you can make him jump jump through. The way that you can make him miss those calls and you're you're detailing how long those calls are. You can just imagine how easy it is to set a dad up to look inconsistent. That's all you have to show. He's inconsistent. >> Again, if he wasn't calling, then I would jot down that there was a no phone call that day. Um, and then on the times that it was his parenting time, I would um write down if he was ever late and how long he was late to pick me up our son. Um, and then when it was time to drop him back off to me, I was writing down if he was trying to drop off our son earlier than he was supposed to and how much earlier than what he was supposed to. He was too early. He was too early. Um, and again, if he was making plans to do something on his weekend and um wanted to skip a weekend, I would write no show. Um, so I was just jotting down everything like that. So, they know from very early on that they have to do all this documentation. Here's another video that woman made where she says, "Walking into custody court with my binder of documentation I've been collecting for years. I don't mess around when it comes to the safety of my baby." So, she has this I'm the hero in the story, although she's causing her babies a lot of hurts most likely. And um this is just it's it's female peacocking.
Another Mcavelian move that fathers recount a lot is that women um the ex-wife will call the police to the house uh at very opportune nights, sometimes repeatedly following reports of vague concerns and we know that there no needs to be no incident or evidence or charges required in in these situations. The objective of course is not conviction. Her objective is destabilization and uh also the creation of just enough documentation to shape an impression. And this has the added benefit of calmly watching him unravel. So he'll be sleepd deprived. He'll have heightened anxiety. He'll have this creeping sensation of being being watched and and m mild paranoia and be under a huge amount of emotional strain. And then he has to then the next day go to mediation. He has to go to court and his credibility slowly erodess because of his sort of proximity to official attention. That's all it takes. And then he's in this state of emotional strain. He hasn't slept. He's anxious. Easily provoked in in moments when institutional actors are observing. and his reactions will be seen through the familiar lens of aggressive male. It takes very little because fathers, they're always viewed through a risk first lens and mothers are being seen through a care first lens. And fathers will then always describe the same thing. I kept waiting for her to feel bad. I kept waiting for her to feel guilty. But guilt is not the mechanism at work here. This is Mcavelian psychopathydriven alienation. This is instrumental calculated harm without feeling remorse. The father's unraveling is the fuel, the goal, and the reward.
And that brings us over to the last trait. And this is seen through a couple of examples. Fathers will describe how they try to co-parent. They try to do a swap swap a weekend because he has a birthday to celebrate or something eventful and she doesn't have any conflicting plans. But she'll persist in saying no, we're sticking to the schedule. And this confuses them because they know, okay, well, it's reciprocal. So when you when you'll ask later on, I'll say no to you. She must know that. She must understand that. And then she refuses anyway. What looks like stubbornness. It looks like irrationality. It can be perfectly understood through the lens of female satism, which we never talk about, but I'm going to show you exactly what I mean.
>> You don't take child support payments from him, do you? >> Yes, he walking on Venmo. >> He should. That makes it so much easier on him to just Vinmo me instead of going to the bank. He's doing everything the easiest that it can possibly be done for Chase. And he's done that the whole time we've been together. Why would you not want it to be easy if he's going to send you money? Why would you not want that to be easy for him? >> That's overruled. >> Why would you not want that to be? He's in school and working and and sending you a Venmo is a problem. This woman is sitting in court and claiming she the father needs to go to a bank. It's not. She cancels her Venmo uh payments because she wants him to feel the loss. She wants him to go to a bank to pay her child support. It's used as a tool for female sadism. This child support here. She's dancing file child child endangerment charges. And she dances. She's gleeful. So the Tik Tok reads, "When Child Maintenance Service rings to inform you that he the the father owes 13,000 in child support and find found guilty in court and charged with culpable negligence and sentenced to 42 days in prison if he doesn't pay." And it couldn't have happened to a nice guy except it happens to nice guys all the time. We know this. Just her eyes, just her glee. And here also more dancing. And in these moments, the revenge for the narciss narcissistic injury, it eclipses every other consideration. This intolerable fact that the father still has a life, that a role and a relationship with the children, it finds expression in small deniable acts of cruelty. And so every no, every every no to the to the father is a an a reasserting dominance. It's a reminder. I control access. I decide what you get. You will feel the loss. And the she raises hope just enough so that it can be crushed. They don't want to see you. You should respect their wishes. I've already packed their bags. But I can't force them. And the cruelty, it's never explicit. It lies in this their refusal to let the wound close. So that's why they'll do things like move far away because they know it won't be enforced. The narcissistic injury demands vindictiveness.
So, and here is a woman who who's using child support to get back at her ex-husband. >> January or February of this year when he got engaged, he came to me and he goes, "Well, the honeymoon that we are planning, I need my passport for. So, will you please wave the back child support? Because of the amount of the back child support, he can't legally get a passport to leave the United States. Um, and I told him I would think about it. And so, like I was trying to think about it. I made a list of pros and cons. Um, his inconsistencies with paying his child support in the first place, his switching jobs to avoid paying his child support. And he called me almost every single day for a week and a half straight. You said you'd think about it. And I was like, "Whatever." I was like, "I'll just write the damn thing so you quit. So you leave me alone." So essentially, I felt forced into it. One, so I could get the passports for my own children, but also because he kept calling and asking me about it. And then I'm >> So he's using the child support to hold him hostage. He wants to get a passport. And we have this tendency to think of child support not paid as a just terrible behavior, but they're really struggling. It's a lot of money they have to pay. But the comments are don't do it. I'll sh don't don't don't never do it. Never think about never think about. So this is a very common move holding the child holding the the father hostage because of the back pay. What we rarely recognize is that is that the women are optimizing for emotional pay immediate emotional payoff. And that payoff is seeing him suffer. It's sadism. That's why they can sit there and calmly seeing him unravel, they revel in it. And it the the this possibility is so difficult for us to accept because it violates that core assumption that maternal behavior is guided by the child's interests. And it's also difficult because we would have to acknowledge that harm itself can be rewarding for women, especially when it's morally sanctioned. and contemporary mental health discourse has no place for this truth. And until that architecture is named, men will continue to lose. Not because they're bad parents, not because they're deadbeat dads, but because they're playing the wrong game. So now that we have understood the dark tetrd traits, how they're expressed in women, we'll go on to talk about what that game should look like, how to anticipate the moves, but that will be next time. Thank you for watching. Please like and subscribe and have a happy Christmas and a new year.