Transcription
So, let's be honest: it is not an easy thing to love someone who has decided that they don't want to be with you. You want it to be them so badly. You want them to love you. You want them to be that person that's going to show up for you in your life, and they're not going to be that person. Perhaps you just got married; perhaps you just had a baby; perhaps you were in a long-term marriage or relationship, and now the reality is hitting you in the face that this relationship is over.
It's even more painful when the decision was made without your knowledge, when the rug has really been pulled up from underneath you. In a healthy relationship, when someone sees that there's a problem in the relationship, they discuss it; they work on it; they do not give up; they do not pull the rug from underneath someone. There's at least some kind of an inkling that something's wrong in this relationship, and this person is not happy. Now, you may have had the slightest idea that there's definitely something going on, but you definitely didn't think that the relationship is going to fully end, and that's where you get blindsided.
So, will people fall out of love? Absolutely. People fall out of love for many different reasons, but anyone who is healthy will never do harm to you by making you feel absolutely blindsided by what's actually going on. And even if you still did not have any idea that this was going to be your reality, it is done in such a heartfelt, sympathetic, compassionate way that is not cruel and hurtful. When the rug gets pulled up from underneath you and your whole world changes overnight, it is a huge shock; it's trauma essentially. And learning how to deal with trauma and face the reality that the person that you wanted to be that person in your life, that you had an expectation, that you had this view of how your life was going to go, is now no longer that person, is one of the hardest things to go through. And that's why they say a breakup or divorce is a death.
For most healthy people in relationships, they are very introspective; they take responsibility and accountability for themselves, and they're trying to work on not just pointing the finger but holding themselves accountable to say, "What do I need to work on? What are you not happy with in the relationship as well?" Because if I'm not happy, I also want to know what you're not happy about. And you cannot be happy in a relationship with someone who isn't happy. That's coming from the healthy person. Someone who's not healthy, who is dysfunctional, who's narcissistic, who's just coming from, quite frankly, their own wounds and past and haven't healed at all and is not ready to even acknowledge any of that stuff or is completely unaware of it altogether—they're not going to be that person. They're not going to be introspective; they're not going to sit back and say, "You know what, this is what I'm doing wrong in this relationship, and I, I feel like if I can change me, then perhaps I can get better results in the relationship that I want to have." It doesn't mean you can control the other person, but at least they're still actively working on themselves, regardless of whether or not the relationship continues.
Since I can't control you, when a person doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore, it hurts. Let's not sugarcoat it. Wanting someone to love you, even though if you're honest with yourself you know that they're not right for you, that they're not healthy themselves, is coming from more of the love addiction. Love addiction happens when we're not seeing things clearly; you're not aware of your own wounds that are causing you to even want this person to love you. So, if you haven't done any work on yourself to even try to understand, "Okay, while the person in front of me doesn't want to be with me anymore, why am I staying stuck on wanting this person to love me so badly? Why do I feel so distraught?"
Now, feeling heartbreak and going through heartbreak is one thing, but staying stuck in it is something else. When you're going through heartbreak, the healthy part of you that really will help you to kind of move through this is the part of you that says, "No matter who the person is in front of me—my ex, my partner—that whether they're narcissistic, unhealthy, whether they are healthy, it doesn't even matter, quite frankly. If that person doesn't see me, see my value, want to be with me, then I don't want to be with that person. I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't love me and see me." And while falling out of love takes a minute, is a process, you have to choose yourself over the other person. When we become addicted to love and really sitting in heartbreak for way too long, it's when we want this person to love us; we want this person to be the person, even though we know that they shouldn't be the person because we're unhealed.
Now, I know it's still painful that someone's not choosing you, but here's what I want you to do: I want you to sit back, and I want you to think about this person and everything that they probably want in a relationship from you, in a marriage, etc. If you really look at that person and you look at yourself and you say, "Okay, is this the relationship that I want to be in?" 99.9 of the time, the answer to that is going to be no. Do you both want the same things? Again, 99.9 of the time, that answer is going to be no. So, if we start to face the realities that while, of course, my ego, my inner child is wounded, is bruised by the fact that you're saying no to me, me wanting it to be you is that inner child that really needs to be healed. The healthy adult in me, the one that knows better, that is learning, that is growing, that is healing, that is—I'm that part of me is the part that I need to really cultivate more of because right now I'm really operating just for my wounded child.
That part of you will accept that this is the reality; that part of you will actually, on some levels, be even okay with this reality because that's the part of you that wants what he or she wants. I want to be in a great relationship; I want to be in a healthy relationship; I want to be with someone that chooses me; I want someone that can see me and value everything that I bring to the table. That's that part of you that you need to cultivate more of. But now, if you come from the wounded child where there's fear and lack and worry and that everything that you wanted was only going to come from this one person, then you're never going to have the things that you really want in your life. You're always going to believe that this is the person that should love you; you're always going to take it so personally when this person rejects you. You're not really facing the truth of what the reality is of the situation in this person; you're just projecting what it is that you want onto them, and you're staying stuck in that space. That's where heartbreak becomes something that's really toxic and unhealthy.
Normal heartbreak, the initial shock of someone deciding that they don't want to be with you, even though I really believe that if it's—if you're with a healthy person, you shouldn't experience that shock; you should really have known ahead of time what's going on and really actively have been trying to work on it. Now, if you're dealing with someone who's narcissistic, you probably were aware that there were some things going wrong in the relationship; maybe you were having some troubles, but the difference is is that the person was making the troubles out to be your fault. They were never taking any accountability or responsibility for themselves; they were never willing to actually change and work on themselves in order to have the relationship that they say that they want.
So now that you're at this place and you're starting to feel better and you're starting to heal that wounded child and you're starting to become more of that healthy adult that you know that you need to be, that need to be, that part of you that you know that you need to cultivate, one of the biggest things is going to be where you stop and you say, "Who am I? And what do I want now?" Taking some time to think about, "What do you want now? And who am I?" and doing that kind of introspective work is going to be absolutely what you need. It's going to help you to start setting some goals, to really being very clear on what it is that you're looking for this time around. This is where we're going to start getting excited about our future; we're going to start planning; we're going to start working on ourselves; we're going to start motivating ourselves. We're not going to get tripped up and become obsessive and let the stories take over that make us feel like life is over and that this was all that was ever going to be good in my life.
Never give your power, your energy, your attention to people that don't deserve it. And if someone does not want to be with you any longer, if they don't see your value, if they don't want to go through this journey of life with you, while on a lot of levels that stinks, I want you to take full responsibility for yourself, for your joy, for your happiness, to say, "Regardless of what happens right now and regardless of what stage I'm at, I'm not going to be here forever, and I'm ready to rebuild; I'm ready to start healing; we're going to start working on myself; I'm ready to start really rising up and learning the things that I know that I need to learn to have a better relationship than I had this time, for me to be a better person than I was in that relationship." Because if you are a healthy person, then you are self-reflecting, and you are being honest with yourself to say, "Hey, what could I have done better in that relationship?" That's the point of a job, of a relationship, of an experience: for you to grow, for you to learn. Someone who's unhealthy, someone who's toxic, is never going to learn those lessons; that's why they're always going to repeat the same patterns over and over again. Where you are not going to do that, you're actually going to heal and rebuild in a healthy way. So, I hope you have enjoyed this video. If you did, don't forget to give it a thumbs up; don't forget to also click the subscribe button down below, and I'll see you in next week's video. Have a good week.