Transcription
Have you ever walked away from a conversation at work feeling disempowered or belittled, or like you just lost some battle that you didn't even know you were in? Most communication advice tells you to remain calm, be professional, and use "I" statements, right? But let's get real, that does not work. What you need are proven, battleground-tested tactics that help you shut down difficult people and their difficult ways on the spot, and I'm going to show you today exactly how to do that. Are you ready?
I'm going to give you five things today. I'm going to give you power phrases to use in common situations, my "speak less, more" approach when you want to deliver an answer to some problem that you're dealing with, the "when you, I feel because" script for responding to belittling behavior, and I'm going to wrap it up with communication tactics that help you think and respond faster under pressure. And then, once you get those down, we can go to the next level. You ready?
Let's say that you are interrupted at work. The most common thing that people say when somebody tries to interrupt them is, "What? You say, 'Excuse me,' 'Uh, pardon me,' 'I, I haven't finished,' 'I'm sorry, I'm not done.'" Don't say that. What you want to do is use a universal stop gesture, face the person who's trying to interrupt you, and without missing a beat, tell them, "I'm speaking," and then you keep speaking without letting them interrupt you.
If you have a prop, one of the best props that I recommend for work is a pen with a big, heavy metal tip. If you keep repeating their name while banging your pen on the table, "John, John, John, John, John," everybody will stop and say, "What?" Then you keep speaking. Some other power phrases that you can use are simple phrases, phrases such as, "I'm still speaking," or "Hold that thought. I'd like to hear what you have to say when I'm finished speaking," or "John, I'm not finished. You can figure all that other stuff out because I'm still speaking."
Number two: The next time somebody says something condescending or patronizing to you, say something like this: "I hear what you're saying, but I'm surprised at the condescending tone you're using." Or, "If you have something to say to me, you can say it directly. You don't have to engage in passive-aggressive behavior. I can take it." Or, "If I've done something to suggest that our relationship is at that level of intimacy where that type of communication would be appropriate, let me clarify: It is not." Now, of course, the caveat is I have to actually maintain a level of professionalism with you and everyone else to be able to say that.
The next time you're stonewalled, say something like this: "I see you're not responding. Is there a reason?" Or, "It's important to me that we talk about this so that we can move forward in our relationship." Or, "If this isn't a good time, can you tell me when would be a good time to talk about this?" You'll notice that in each of those situations, I'm very clear and direct in my communication.
Here's a great action step for you: Make a "danger phrase" and "power phrase" list if you do not yet have one, and keep it around where it's visually available throughout the day so that you can purge some of the disempowering phrases that you may use, such as "I'm sorry," "Excuse me," and replace them with phrases that are direct, powerful, and to the point.
The "speak less, say more" formula. I always encourage people to say less at work. Watch your words. Don't just throw them around willy-nilly as if they're not valuable. They're the most valuable thing that you have. So when you speak, speak with purpose, and you can do that more easily if you have a pattern or a system to help you get the words out of your mouth in a way that's effective and powerful and will be heard by other people.
Here's a great system: One, watch your lead-in line. As opposed to something such as, "Um, I just had one quick thought. Um, I just wanted to say something." Don't say that. Instead, "There's something I believe we should focus on. I wanted to draw your attention to this." Lines that set up the conversation as one that's important rather than one that's not.
Two, don't talk about what you think. No one cares what you think. People care about what the data suggests. So instead of saying something such as, "I really think that we should blah blah blah," talk about something, "I'd like to draw to your attention the data clearly shows that we should be adding another portal."
Three, pause for power. A lot of times, people will fill in empty space with babble because they're not comfortable with it. When you come to a moment of silence, let people simmer on what you just said for a moment. That is a sign of power, and it will help you get feedback for your ideas as opposed to if you fill in the empty space with nervous chatter that is really just off the cuff. Remember, we don't want to speak off the cuff.
And once you've said what you have to say, end with a power phrase instead of, "Does that make sense?" or "Okay, I just wanted you to know that." End with something such as, "So, what are your thoughts?" or "Do you have a different perspective?" or "Do you share mine?" Ask people to contribute to what you just said, but do not trail off with a, "Well, that's it. Oh my God."
And here's an action step for you: Practice saying whatever it is that you have to say in 15 words or less using the strategies that we just discussed. If you can, people will listen to you more.
Handling belittling, gaslighting, or invalidating behavior. The next time you feel dismissed during a meeting, say something like this: "Mary, when you dismiss my ideas during meetings, as you just did, I feel unmotivated to come up with any new solutions to the problems that we have because you're dismissing the ones that I'm coming up with as if they are not valid or have no value at all."
When you, I feel because, let's say that you are mocked or someone laughs at you or your ideas. "Mary, would you make a joke about me or my ideas at work, as you just did? I feel let down because I count on you as a leader to support me even when I'm not around, like I do you even when you're not around." When you let people know that you are disappointed in them, especially if they're your leader, but you use very clear language, as I just did, "I'm not accusing you of anything. I'm simply stating when you do this, I feel this way because of that. Are you aware of that?" It's very impactful.
Or let's say that somebody constantly interrupts you. "Mary, when you interrupt me, as you've been doing, I feel confused because I was invited to be here and share my ideas with the group as if they were valued. And if I'm mistaken, I'd much rather be someplace where they are." Let people know, "Hey, what do you think? That I just wandered here off the street? I was invited to be here." Sometimes you've got to let people know.
Communication tactics for thinking and responding faster under pressure at work. You want to have fewer decisions and more defaults. You don't want to have to stop and decide how to respond to something all the time. You want to have default responses, default actions to take, default thought processes so that when you have to think on the spot, come up with decisions, including how to respond to other people, you don't have to start from the beginning every single time as though this is the first time it's ever happened.
For example, the next time you're asked for your time or your money, don't just think about how you're going to respond. Use a default response such as the four S's: Sympathize, Say no, Say why, Suggest alternatives. Something like this: "Oh, Mary, I would like to help you out, and it seems like that's a really reasonable cause, but unfortunately, I cannot because that's simply not in my budget. But if there's some other way that I could help you, for example, donating maybe some of my time, I would be happy to do that."
And if they push it, remember the broken record: "Mary, again, I'd like to help you out, but unfortunately, it's just not in my budget. But if there's another way that I could help you out by donating my time, I'd be happy to do that." Broken record. That gets the message through really quickly. I'm going to send a very clear message. If I said it right the first time, which I did because I practiced, I can say it right again and again and again and again and again and again.
Sometimes we are ambushed. We are put on the spot. People try and take us off guard because that would suit them. Let's say that you're called into a meeting with HR and your boss. You walk in and you're asked, "What do you know about what happened the other day?" And you're supposed to respond right there on the spot. But don't forget, just as they chose that moment in time to ask you something or to put you on the spot or to ambush you because it suited them, the most, you too can choose the next time that happens to you. Say something like this: "I'm going to need some time to decide how I feel about that before I respond."
"Okay, we need you to respond right now." "Remember that that may be, but..." And the broken record: "Well, that may be, but I'm going to need some time to decide how I feel before I respond." "We needed to answer right now." "That may be, but I'm going to need some time to think about this and decide how I feel about it before I respond." "Well, we don't have any time." "Well, that may be, but I'm going to need some time to think about it and decide how I feel about it before I respond."
Okay, they can keep asking you as many times as they want. Remember, just as you were not consulted as to the time frame when this was going to be brought to you, you don't have to consult with or ask anybody's permission about when you respond to things. Do it on your time. And when you walk away from a meeting like that, watch how empowered you feel. Now that you are in charge.
Take daily steps. Remember in the morning, remind yourself who you are. Look in the mirror and practice affirmations. Affirmations are not just for hippies or beatniks. Affirmations are for people who want to counter the constant narrative that you're being bombarded with all day long, telling you who you are, how you can be more perfect if you do this or that that somebody else wants you to do. We are all being told who we are all day long. Take time every day to tell yourself that you are, and then fill in the blanks because we decide who we are, and that then comes out in our communication. Don't let other people decide that for you.
The next thing you can do is every day, take one tactic and practice it. For example, download this guide. This is the Professional Communicator's Self-Defense Playbook. I'm going to put a link to it in the description. Take one thing from here and practice it every single day. It is miraculous the changes that you will find when you start taking charge of your communication. Realize the power that you already have and start to use that.
And every night before you go to bed, if you're on this journey with me, keep a journal and write down what were some wins that you had for the day. Congratulate yourself. What were some battles that you may have lost that day? Recognize them. See what you might be able to do differently the next time, and forgive yourself for that. You are not your mistakes.
And keep in touch with me. You can connect with me here on YouTube by subscribing to this channel. That's a fantastic way to support me. That's free. Or, or if you wanted to join me in one of my courses or get some personal coaching, I'm going to put a link to my website, Dan Conor Training. And if there's some way that I could help you, or if you need a course that you maybe can't afford, if money's the issue, let me know that, and I'll always make sure that you get whatever it is that you need regardless of your budget.
And you have not yet watched this video on saying no? Check it out now. You really like that.