Transcription
So recently, I've been talking about the hierarchy of friendship and Sex in the City. And I was inspired when I did my video on how setups are sabotaged to think about Girlfriends. I don't want you all who have never seen Sex in the City to be left out because of course I love both shows and I feel an a special connection to Girlfriends. And immediately I thought of so many times where these setups really showed the true underlying friendship dynamics and jealousy that there were between the girlfriends, particularly Maya towards Joan.
Now, first of all, why would Maya even be setting Joan up on dates? Because obviously Joan has um access to a number of eligible bachelors. Whether or not she's ever able to do good things with that access is another story altogether. But Maya's whole identity in the beginning of the show and then in the later seasons of the show is that she's married and she has a child. That's all she has to lord over the other women. Remember the time that Maya is testifying at Tony's custody hearing and she keeps saying as an author and a mother myself and Todd's attorney says we will stipulate that she is an author and a mother herself if she stops talking about it. But Maya is very jealous of all the other women and she expresses this on a number of occasions. They all, even Lynn with all of her multitude of degrees and jobs, have found things that they're passionate about. They have great lives going on. But Maya, who was knocked up in high school as a teenager, um, you know, didn't get to pursue her education, isn't living out her dream. She's in an unfulfilling marriage, but the one thing she has that they don't have is a husband. And she's always bringing it up. I'm gonna go call my husband cuz that's what you do when you have a husband. And when people are jealous of you, they're going to try to leverage the one thing they feel that they have that you don't. And as I've said, the setup is often about sabotage. And the setup never has anything to do with you.
I mean, look at what was happening when Maya set Joan up with Stan, who actually Maya's interested in herself.
>> Think about Stan. Wasn't he great?
>> Little lunch, buddy.
>> He seemed nice.
>> Good, cuz Joan, I think he would be perfect for you.
>> Oh, no, no, no, no. Thanks. I'm not really ready to get back to dating. Even if I were He's really not my type.
>> I mean, intelligent, funny, sensitive, and attractive isn't your type.
>> Okay, what's for you?
>> I'm fine. I got a man. A good man. I'm just trying to deal as a favor.
So, for those who aren't familiar with the show, Maya is Joan's executive assistant. Joan is a lawyer at a big law firm down in LA. Stan comes in for a job interview and mistakenly thinks that Maya is the boss. She advises him well. He ends up getting the job. He takes her out to lunch in gratitude, which is where all of the girlfriends, including Joan, spot her out with this man. They ask her, "Is anything going on?" She's like, "No, no, no." And then she sets Joan up with him to deflect attention from the fact that she was enjoying inappropriate emotional attention from a man who wasn't her husband.
Now, in the beginning, it was innocent, but very quickly it turns because Joan ends up taking her up on the offer. She's like, "Well, maybe this guy is great. I will go out with him." The date's going well. And then this happens.
>> What's wrong?
>> Oh my god. I think I just saw somebody.
>> Maya. Hey, girl. Girl, what are you doing here?
>> I needed your signature. You know, some letters before they went out.
>> Well, where are the letters?
>> It was cold outside, girl. Had to burn them.
>> Was the date?
>> It's still going on.
>> Oh, yeah.
>> Yeah.
>> But I I need to use your um your bathroom, girl. You know, I've been drinking from your hose.
>> You know, it's late. I I think I should go.
>> No, no, it is late. He should go. But I still
>> I had a great time tonight. Yeah. Yeah. Me, too.
>> I'll call you.
>> Fine. Stan.
See, the setup really never has anything to do with you in the sense that it's not about your welfare. It's an expression of your friend's feelings towards you or their needs. Maya needs to feel superior to Joan in the relationship sense because it's all she has going. Joan desperately wants to get married. She's dying to have children. And Maya has both of those things and she's younger. These are the only things she feels that she is superior to Joan in. So to distract Joan from the fact that Maya might have had an an appropriate connection with Stan in the beginning, she's willing to toss Stan at her as a bone. But when she feels something really might happen between the two of them, and Stan is a great catch. You know, he's working a very responsible job. Ma's attracted to him. He's sweet. He's supportive. He's intelligent. and she's like, "Oh my god, they might really be doing well." She has to do anything and everything to break up the date because it's all about her feelings and has nothing to do with Joan at all.
Unbeknownst to Joan, Maya keeps on running into Stan in the hallways and in the elevators and having more and more emotionally intimate moments with him. And she's not being honest with Joan about what's happening behind her back and how she's encouraging an inappropriate connection with the man she has set Joan up with.
Hey. Hey. What's the matter? Nothing. I'm fine. I'm I'm okay. I just told my husband that I was going back to school, you know, and I said everything that that you had said. You know, he just had arguments for everything, you know. Said that we had agreed that we'd wait until he got his business started. I never really wanted to agree.
>> I know. Sure. Come here. Come here. Come here. Let it up. Just let it up.
>> I'm so frustrated.
And it's actually after the elevator scene that Joan and Stan cement their date on Maya's recommendation. Why would you push your friend towards a man you are developing a relationship with if you did not desire to sabotage them? Because maybe thinks, oh, Stan's going to be too into her, too much thinking about her to give Joan any attention. But she doesn't think Joan's going to be able to pull it off. And when it occurs to her, it might actually go well. She has to go and spy on their date and then break it up to avoid Joan actually having a happy and successful relationship.
A lot of friendships are built on mutual dissatisfaction. Maya hates her whole life, but Joan is very dissatisfied with her relationship status. The reason she's saying in the beginning, "Oh, I don't want to go out right now is cuz she just had a tough, terrible breakup. She's had a string of hard luck in relationships." And who does she go to with her relationship wos? Maya. Maya knows everything that's going wrong in her life. So why would you set your friend up like Charlie Baron the football? You're holding out what seems like a golden carrot of an opportunity only to snatch it away at the last minute.
Because after this insane behavior, Joan convenes all the girlfriends and they confront Maya about what she's doing, which is initiating an emotional affair. And Maya initially says, "Oh my god, you're so right. I'm going to stop this behavior. I love my husband. I'm going to work things out." only to go back on her word almost instantaneously when she sees Joan might get the prize and do this.
>> I decided that I am not going to stop seeing Stan. What you're going to say, but I really need his attention right now. I don't want you getting all judgmental about it.
>> Okay?
>> And I don't want you seeing him anymore either. It doesn't work if he's dating you, kissing you, or giving you some reason to use your diaper.
>> Yeah, I was just kidding about that. Well, I'm not.
>> Did you catch that? What an outrageous way to talk to your boss. Well, I'm not kidding around. You better not go near my emotional affair partner.
And what a messy thing to bring into her office. But I think a lot of the stuff that Maya did was to redress the balance. She really resented Joan for being above her in terms of finances, lifestyle, education, all the things that Maya want and couldn't get because of her own choices and the people she surrounded herself with. So rather than try and work on bettering herself, a lot of times she would try to sabotage Joan.
Now oftentimes she would use proxies to do this. You know, she would use her mother, she would use her husband Darnell. And the reason that they talked to her so horribly and got so out of line with her was because of the mentality that Maya fed them. Maya would do things to keep up drama between those parties and then they would unleash on her and Maya would act like an innocent victim. She would come out smell like a rose. Oh my god. I don't know why they would treat you like that. Because of what you told them. I mean, think about it. If you have one of your friends and you run off at the mouth and tell your mom, "Oh my god, this girl, she she's so this. She's so that. She's toxic. She did me dirty. She tried to take my man. Whatever you tell your mother, your mother's going to hate that girl. You're not going to be able to bring that girl around. Your mom. The only reason Janine was always acting out of line towards Joan was because Maya boosted her up to do that and fed her all of these ideas. And there was a lot of pushpull involved in the relationships because Darnell and Janette, I'm sorry, I think I said Janine before, but Janette, Maya's mother, could sense that she was going to better Maya. Joan encouraged Mia all the time, told her she could do anything, told her she should go back to school the same way Stan was telling her.
But I think the reason Maya ended up taking up with Stan was because first of all, a lot of women are male identified. That's why she's in this horrible marriage to start with. So from a man who was on Joan social and financial level saying all those things about how she should get some credentials and how she could be a boss one day, it didn't feel like condescension. It felt like encouragement. Even though Joan was intending to be encouraging, it felt like condescension from her because Joan had already ascended. And notice whenever Joan said, "I encourage you. I support you. You can do anything, Maya." It was typically followed by a demand for labor. You know, Joan says, "How can I encourage you on your back to school journey?" Uh Maya says, "Oh, by watching Jabari a few nights a week." Girl, what? Why am I supposed to watch your child? You're married. And even when she gets divorced, you know, and when her mother moves away, she's looking for anybody and everybody in the friend group to solve that problem. Because even if you're separated and then divorced, your husband still has a primary responsibility over your child that you had together. Why does somebody else have to take over his responsibility? Because you're looking to milk the women in your community for labor, whereas Austin has to do is give you a listening ear and you're hooked.
But I think it's very interesting. Like most women, Maya advances the most in the series when she's single. When she ends up divorcing uh Darnell over what happened with Stan and just her general dissatisfaction with their marriage, she is able to go back to school. She's able to write a book. She's able to thrive and finally fulfill many of her lifelong dreams. Even though she technically has more work to do, she's a single mother. She's working more hours. She's doing more things. She has more responsibilities. But it equals out to having more free time because she's not catering to him. I noticed when she was married to Darnell, she's cooking these elaborate meals every night. Oh my god, do you want meatloaf? Do you want greens? You know, collard greens from scratch. That takes hours. Oh, let me make you some cornbread. Let me make you some chicken and dumplings. Like Jesus, no wonder you didn't have time for college course work. But when she gets back to Darnell, her life stalls again. you know, her second book deal falls through. She's not able to do the things she was doing when she was single. And again, she starts putting all of that negative energy to Joan. And here comes another setup that's designed to bring Joan down. And it always starts by inserting your loser husband into the friend group. Beware of friends who bring around their loser man. You're the one who's going to lose out in the end.
>> If you want a good man, you might try dating outside of your zip code.
>> Oh, here we go. singing the blue collar brother blues.
>> What's wrong with them blue collar brothers?
>> John, what's wrong with them?
>> Don't let me feel that one.
>> Don't apologize. First of all, a girl can only eat so many value meals before they lose their value. Ain't nothing wrong with wanting a man his name on a business card instead of his shirt.
>> At least my name's on her marriage certificate.
>> What's that, Morgan? Where's your daddy? Do you see that? The naked disrespect.
But Darnell would not have the ammunition if Maya hadn't supplied it. And did you see how she was boosting him up every time he said something crazy disrespectful to her friends because she likes it. The only thing she has over these incredibly accomplished, well-off women is the fact that she is married. And what he said to Tony doesn't even make any sense because she was actually married when her child was conceived unlike Maya who married afterwards in a hastily patched up business and her husband at the time was a Beverly Hills doctor. But you see how you'll say something general and people who are losers will take it to heart and try to hit you with the most personal attack they can because they feel some kind of way about you all the time. They're ruminating about it all the time and they're always thinking about how they can take you down.
Which brings us back to what he said to Joan. Oh, don't make the excuse of your age bracket. Try dating outside your tax bracket. That's because she's dating an older man at this time who is very, very, very well off. He's a man about town. He's spoiling her. So Joan isn't losing anything by being in that relationship, but immediately Darnell tries to lower her, and Maya comes in on the back end to make it worse.
>> Oh, thank you. Just a little thing. What's going on, Maya?
>> Remember how you said you wanted Darnell to fix you up with one of his friends?
>> Uh, no. What?
>> You said you date a blue collar guy if you ever met one.
>> No.
>> Darnell has set you up on a date cuz you said you were open to meeting someone south of the 10. Actually, he's south of the seven town. Well, the 91. Okay, girl. Compton. But he's really nice. here. No. And he's cute, too. Not every man can work, oppress a girl.
>> No. Absolutely not. No.
>> Darnell, doing this represents real growth in our marriage.
>> Do it for me.
>> This guy
>> here.
>> When?
>> No.
>> What?
>> Open. Ricky, did you see that? It was the trifecta allin-one.
So, first of all, Maya allows her loser husband to have a crucial hand in taking Joan down. You see how friends who are jealous are always going to use their access to try to sabotage you? Oh, you said you wanted Darnell to set you up with a friend of his. No, no, she didn't. She never said that. She was trying to be polite because your loser husband was around. Oh, well, yes, if I met a blueco collar man, perhaps I would date one, but I can't date men I haven't met. I can't date men I don't have anything in common with. And in the first scene, Darnell was trying to cram it down her throat. Oh, well, you might meet somebody if you go south of the tin. That's what Maya was referring to. Why should she have to leave her own neighborhood? Because Joan's living in Ladira Heights, her people always had. Or is it Labraa? Somebody correct me. I'm not from California. But anyway, she's living in the nice part. And he's berating her for having money. Joan comfortably and sconce in the how she inherited from her grandmother, has a UCLA law education, is living her best life, owns a restaurant, is thriving, and Darnell is consistently trying to pull her down. And now through Maya's access, he's finally accomplishing his goal. So, they've got her isolated. They forced her out onto this date without her knowledge. And who is it but Cat Williams from Compton? And I love this scene because it plays for laugh something that's actually very serious. Why would they set up a woman who is impeccable with her manners and whatnot with somebody who's so obviously far beneath her unless it's sabotage? I mean, he's sitting there picking his fingers with the fork, shaking his hair around like Barbie at the beach. Only someone who hates you would do this to you.
But then the other part of the trifecta, Maya confesses this has nothing to do with her. This is about her own relationship. Oh, this represents a real step of growth for Darnell. Only it's not really growth. He's excited for the opportunity to sabotage your girl, but it seems like you guys are getting closer over Joan's misfortune. So, can you sacrifice for me? Can you do it for me? Can you ruin your life to save my marriage? and Joan goes along with it. Don't be Joan. Okay? Do not do this.
And somebody out there right now is thinking, "Well, maybe that's just the dynamic. Maybe they're all sending each other on horrible setups." I contrast this with Tony because Tonyy's supposed to be the bad one, right? Tonyy's supposed to be this selfish friend. But when Tony has an end, she's trying to give Maya a leg up in this world. When Maya is first separated and divorced and complaining about being lonely, Tony tries to give her a hand into wealth and privilege and a good type of man to date.
>> I miss having someone there to talk to, hold me a night, take out the trap. I don't think I'm a person who's built to be alone.
>> Maya, you just need to date. I have the perfect guy for you. His name is Darren. He's a dermatologist friend. Before you say no, he's black. Look. Oh, that's a good one. That's a good one.
>> I didn't realize Propecia was so funny.
>> So funny is that this woman I know named her baby Propicia.
>> Where did she find out it's a drug for male pattern bonus? Okay,
>> Maya, did I uh mention that Darren and I interned together?
>> You know, feeling the name the name Darren? Too close to Darnell?
>> That's my ex-husband.
>> Let someone like you get away.
>> Okay, I tried to tell. Come on. I'm going have to call you by your middle name in one sec. It's Earl.
>> Oh, hell no. Earl isn't me, but the guy that took my mom away from me.
>> Lady,
>> why don't you just call me Dr. Lucas?
>> Wait, I can't call you Dr. Lucas cuz you're not a member of HMO.
>> Lucas, any relationship to George Lucas? You ever Star Wars fame?
>> Uh, no.
>> Are you sure?
>> Uh, I didn't see him on the family bus going to the Million Man March.
>> No, you guys laugh. Okay, but now he could be passing. Got big money. Big big money. You got sharing. That's all I'm saying.
>> You got to do okay as a dermatologist.
>> Really? You do? Well, you know, no offense, but you have to pop a bush. You love black kids and make kids kind of like
>> Oh, speaking of movies, Tony, keep up. We're not talking about movies.
>> We are now. Uh Darren, your favorite movie?
>> Well, I like Psycho, but I don't think I should go there.
>> It's been a really lovely, lovely evening, and I hope that we do it again soon.
So, the reversal of things here reveals several fundamental truths. So whenever Maya doesn't get an opportunity to do the same things as the other girls, she often blames being a young mother or not being educated, not having been brought up in their circles. If she can't afford to go out and she can't get a babysitter, she's like, "Ah, not everybody has a lot. We like the party lifestyle like you guys. Cuz I'm a mother first and I have to watch over my child." You know, she tries to make it into this huge virtue. If she doesn't know something, she'll often accuse them of being classist and egregious and trying to throw their knowledge in her face. But here we see what it's really about. Insecurity. Tony tries to smooth things over on this horrible date. But Maya is making a fool of herself all on her own because she doesn't know when to quit. She doesn't know about the things they're discussing. And rather than be quiet and let the others take the lead, she has to insist on monopolizing the conversation. even though she doesn't have anything intelligible to say, her nervousness makes her project all of her issues onto this new man, you know, Dr. Lucas, she's blaming him for the issues with Darnell, with Earl. She just starts foaming out the mouth about George Lucas for no reason at all.
But did you see Tony? Tony has no ill intent. You know, Maya says she's lonely. She wants to be helped. And Tony doesn't set her up with any old body. She sets her up with an business associate. and good friend of her own fiance, someone who's on her man's level. And she takes into account Maya's own taste. She knows Maya doesn't date out. So, she's like, "Here, have somebody in your own style who is on the same level as my own compatriot." And it's not just this one event either. When Maya on her own meets a major league baseball player in her college classes and he wants to date her, it's Tony who encourages her both in the pursuit of the man and then later when the man is disrespecting Maya. She gives Maya the courage to walk away. You know, Tonyy's like, "I've been in these situations before. Here's how some men with money will treat you. You know, don't fall for this. Don't fall victim to his games."
But Maya is often destructive, especially when Joan has a promising prospect. You know, whatever the guy is and whoever he is, if he is somebody who has a lot going for him, Maya has a tendency to undercut the relationship. In fact, the only time I can remember her being tolerably encouraging is when Jonah is dating the school teacher Aaron, who again has less education, less money, fewer prospects than herself. And it's interesting because there's a lot of open hostility between Tony and Maya. They often fight, but Tony is really a proxy for Joan is the person that Melia wants to direct all this antipathy towards, but she doesn't have the power to do it on her own. And so, she does these covert operations. But more of this next time. Let me know what you think in the comments and like and follow for