Transcription
Everyone shouts about decentering men. I mean, everybody nowadays is just making so many videos on men. I'm kind of sick of it. Like, they're literally getting all of the attention.
But I was thinking about just the topic of decentering men. And of course, it is so, so important. Doing it changed my life. But so did decentering everyone. And I've spoken about it before. It always comes down to detachment. And I think there are so many misconceptions of what detachment actually is, what it means. Some people are afraid of it. Some people think it's a mean thing to do. So with today's video, I want to break all of that stigma. And I want you to take away the real lessons, which is just going to help you become the most powerful, self-assured, confident version of yourself. Because really, that's the mission in every single video on my channel. And I think decentering everybody and making yourself the center of your universe is the ultimate foundational step to achieving that.
I went so many years at the beginning of my self-development journey where I thought I was in my girl boss, independent, self-loving era, yet I was still playing by everybody else's rules, and I didn't even know it. My mood, my self-perception, my power was still dictated by other people's reactions or opinions or my interactions with them. And so I was just living my life according to them. I didn't even realize I wasn't even in control of how I was feeling every day and the decisions I was making because other people still had influence in that.
Ultimately, this entire video is just about taking everybody off the pedestal and just reducing the noise. I'm talking about your ex, your situationship, your mom, your dad, your siblings, your friends, everyone. This is all about you. It's a you universe. And disclaimer before you get it twisted. This is not the kind of video about decentering parents, friends, people, men to like make them like you better or to gain power in that situation. No, because in the process of talking about that, we are still putting them on a pedestal by trying to care about how they treat us or how they're going to act or how we can be the better person in that situation. This video is really just about, I don't give an f about anybody. You live your life. You do what's going to serve you, and I'm going to do what's going to serve me. And this is exactly how.
[Music]
Before we jump right into it, I want to give a really quick shout out to Simple App, who are the sponsors of today's video. I'll talk about them properly a little bit later on in the video, but Simple App is basically a personalized fitness and meal planner app that helps people build healthier habits. And I couldn't think of any better way to take care of yourself and center yourself more than having an app like this on your phone. I actually have a 60% off discount code that you guys can use if you want to get started on the app. All of the information is below in the description as well.
Okay, let's get into it. Chapter number one, decentering everyone. We need to start this off with talking about the fact that I think you've been shrinking yourself, turning yourself down, thinking about what's going to make other people more comfortable, purposely leaving things out or acting in a certain way that makes you more digestible and easier to perceive and be around by other people. Whether it be your family, whether it be a networking event, a group of strangers, being on a date and subtly turning yourself down so that the guy doesn't think that you're too much. Picking up on all of the subtle cues on how people have judged, criticized, or insulted you throughout your life, and then using that information to then form the most ideal personality that will guarantee that people will like you because previous people have insulted you for being too loud or not being funny or being too smart. And so now you are going to completely reject those authentic parts of yourself because people in the past said that they didn't like it. And what does this all lead to? You're basically telling yourself you just want to be tolerated. You just want to be accepted by other people, and you will accept putting yourself in last place as a result.
Decentering everyone really starts with understanding that you are not an option. You are not someone who is supposed to adapt and change to meet other people's needs. You are you, and if other people can't handle that, they simply just don't get access to your life.
Now let's talk about decentering friendships. This is something that so many people struggle with because of course, we are social beings, and friendships have been put on such a pedestal, and people are so afraid of the concept of spending time alone or being lonely or even just not even that. Some people might love their alone time, but they're afraid of being seen as a loner that they will accept people that are below their friendship standards just for the sake of having company. And I hate that. And I hate it because I was there myself once, too.
When it comes to decentering friends, I really want to talk about just the concept of time and history and keeping people in your life because they've been there and you've grown up together and never really evaluating it. I think re-evaluating the people in your life and the relationships you have on a yearly basis is the best, most self-loving, most self-caring thing you could possibly do for yourself. Because the truth of the matter is, we are all growing, and we are all changing, and we are all evolving to meet our ultimate life's purpose and our mission and learning more about ourselves and where we want to go as we slowly get older. We are never going to be the people we once were in school. You might not even recognize who you were a year ago. So, it only makes sense to then evaluate the people that you've met over these years of your life who remind you of and who are associated with versions of you that you don't even want to hold on to anymore.
A reminder that you are allowed to outgrow and evolve people from your past, even the kindest, nicest, most supportive people. And I really need you to realize that you don't need justification to choose to remove yourself from certain environments, situations, and people. I used to do this all the time. I felt like somebody had to do something horrendously wrong in order for me to not feel guilty for distancing myself. But as soon as I let that go and I instead put my emotions and my needs on the pedestal, I walked away from things that didn't serve me and I didn't look back, and my life has never been better because of it. It's never personal. If the energy no longer feels aligned, you are not obligated to give other people access to you and your life for any longer than you feel comfortable doing so.
And on the other hand, decentering friends doesn't have to mean cutting everyone off. Sometimes it's just about reorganizing the resource, the time, and the effort that you're giving to everyone in your life and taking a little bit more of it for yourself. It's about recognizing you don't need your friends' opinions on every single thing. You don't need to ask them which picture you should post on Instagram or if the guy that you're dating is actually good for you. You can trust yourself on those decisions. It's about understanding you don't need to be at every party and you don't need to be in every room because you would rather choose intentional solitude and self-development over self-abandonment just for the sake of feeling included.
Decentering friends is all about removing the codependence and emotional reliance on people that no longer serve this current, brand new, upgraded version of you. It's about taking up space and being authentically you. Even if it doesn't fit in the box that other people have kept you in in their minds. Even if it makes them question if you are who they thought you once were. Even if it means outgrowing the version of you that they grew to love and stepping out of that space.
And then this links into external opinions as a whole. You don't need other people's opinions to feel confident. I feel like this culture and just this time in the world has normalized relying on other people for decision-making and validation more than ever, especially with social media. The most powerful thing you can do is to take a step back, make your decision, and then take action on it. Full stop. That means choosing the picture you like and then posting it, or hanging out with the people you like and not needing everybody else's confirmation and approval before you do it. Taking the job without asking your parents if that's what you really should do. It's also about quitting the need to have that justification or overexplaining your actions to again seem more likable to people who aren't even trusting in your decision-making and in your freedom and birthright to be able to live your life in the way that you want. People who require you to overexplain yourself were never really your people in the first place.
It's about protecting your peace, not your notifications, by not needing to reply to every single message the second it comes through. If that isn't what's serving your soul or nourishing you at that time, you're not going to go to places or attend events because you feel like, "Oh, but I have to, and they went to mine." If it doesn't align with you, if it's going to drain your energy, if it's going to do worse to you than good, you are allowed to say no and not feel guilty about it. When you achieve something really, really good, you're not going to shrink your excitement or sit quietly on it, feeling like you can't talk about it to protect other people's feelings and potential jealousy. You are going to celebrate yourself in whichever way feels most comfortable and authentic to you because it is not your responsibility to emotionally babysit people that refuse to grow with you. The best favor you could ever do for yourself is to quit downplaying your beauty, your intelligence, your success, just to make yourself feel more relatable to the people around you. I want you to take up space, and I want you to trigger people. You're doing yourself a huge favor in the long run because then at least you're going to find out who's really happy for you and who's not.
My last point on the topic of decentering everyone obviously has to be about family members and parents. Again, the harsh truth is all of our parents grew up in a different world. So, when they give you certain advice like, "Be realistic," or "Settle down," or "Follow in their footsteps," it's simply not fair. They didn't have access to the opportunities, the mindset, the ideas, and the tools that you have now. And they probably do have your absolute best interest at heart. And they are not trying to limit you. They are simply trying to protect you based on the knowledge that they acquired throughout their lifetimes, which for the most part is not relevant for the lifetime that you are currently in. And a lot of those lessons that they are trying to teach you are based on limiting beliefs and fear because of battles that they had to fight in their life, which hopefully you should be able to avoid. And I speak about this from experience. It's not going to be true for every single person, but just recognize it because sometimes following other people's advice can actually do you more harm than good.
The entire purpose of life is to find out who you really are and follow your unconventional new ideas because they are authentic to your spirit and who you are and the lessons that you are supposed to learn. You are not supposed to go throughout life following somebody else's map, especially if it got them to a destination that you don't want to be in. You can still love, honor, and respect your parents while also making different decisions to them. You can still be grateful for all of their sacrifices and every single thing they've done to provide for you while still saying, "I want more." And that's completely okay.
Decentering your parents isn't about cutting them off or being rude or disrespectful. It's about not being emotionally reliant and seeking their validation. Again, even if it's your mom and your dad, only your validation matters. It's freeing yourself from the pressure to be the best in your family or to have approval from every single person based on their own values, morals, and biases, which probably don't even align with yours. So, it literally makes no sense. You were born to break the cycle. You were born to do things differently, to change the next generation in your family, not to follow the same old outdated pattern.
And that leads us to chapter number two, centering yourself, aka becoming self-obsessed. Step number one, decentering everyone isn't about being mean or antsy or hating everyone or looking down on other people. It's simply about elevating your energy and trusting in yourself above others. It's about understanding that other people's decisions and their ideas are not the direction of your life. They are simply an addition. So, for an example, you are not going to wait for somebody to compliment how you look that day in order to feel confident. Regardless, you are going to decide to feel confident in yourself. Even if other people hate what you're wearing and hate how you do your makeup. Another example, you will not continue to explain your standards and value to make a man understand why he should be with you and why he should treat you better because you're not out here trying to beg to be chosen. You've already chosen yourself and you're moving on before he's even understood where he went wrong. You move at your own pace and you let other people meet you where you're at if they align. You are not someone that performs for others or picks out your outfit according to what everybody else is going to wear and what they're going to think of you.
Every single day starts with, "How do I want to feel today? What kind of day do I want to create for myself? What do I think and what do I want?" Because if you're not asking those questions for yourself, answering them, and living your life according to them, you are going to be extremely susceptible to everybody else's opinions because you haven't formed your own yet. How are you supposed to know where you're supposed to go in this life with the decisions you're supposed to make if you haven't actually had the time to evaluate and decide them? Then the second that somebody says, "Hey, I actually think you should do this," they're going to become your compass. Their life is going to be your map because you didn't take the time to give yourself the validation, the reassurance, and the confidence beforehand. So now you're relying on other people for it.
Step number two, when it comes to centering yourself, health is the bare minimum. I've said it before, I'll say it again. It is the best, most self-loving thing you can do for yourself. Not even physically, but also mentally and emotionally. I've said so many times that I literally go to the gym for my mental health. My emotions are so much better when I walk out. It's also such a mental game going to the gym, being disciplined, taking that pride in your routine, being more confident as you're learning how to take better care of your body while also seeing the physical benefits to your health. I really do think fitness and health are like the bare minimum of the self-development world. And this is exactly where Simple App comes in to make your life even easier so you can stay consistent with this self-loving ritual always.
Like I said before, Simple App is a personalized app that makes building healthier habits even personal in a way that works for you. My favorite thing in the world about this app is that it's going to help you reach your health and fitness goals without any calorie counting or dietary restrictions, which I really do not believe in. Never have. Instead, the app has been trained by behavioral change experts and dietitians to assist you in making healthy and sustainable changes. It also includes AVO, which is the AI coach built into the app to help you stay consistent on the move. This is an in-app mentor guiding you through your weight loss journey with positive encouragement and motivational coaching. AVO basically provides expert-level advice based on your unique objectives anywhere, anytime. So let's say you're at a restaurant, you're looking at the menu and you're not really sure what you should get that's going to align with your health goals. You can literally talk to this AI coach AVO, and it will give you the guidance you need based on the objectives that you put into the app. Same when you're doing your weekly food shop or when you're building out recipes for what you want to cook that week.
And the best part, the entire app is all about just building on your self-love, centering yourself, not worrying about what other people think, not worrying about what's trendy in the fitness world. No, it's about making healthier, happier choices to build a better version of yourself with better physical and mental health. And honestly, that's what I've always been about. I'm not about all of these body trends. Sometimes skinny is in, sometimes curvy is in. I've always just stayed true to feeling my best physically and mentally and working out in the gym that way rather than trying to alter my body type and appearance for the approval of others because that's what everybody's loving at the minute.
Inside the app, you get so many different features, some of which include a food diary, a hydration monitor, an activity monitor, timely reminders, and app integrations with all of your favorite health tracking apps on your phone. So, if you've been wanting to start out on your fitness journey or just get back to your 2025 goals in being the healthiest, best version of yourself, then I highly recommend you guys try out Simple App. You can head to their website. The link is below in my description. And I also have a special code that will get you 60% off your first month, which means you can get started for as low as $1.99. So, just head to the link below in my description to sign up and get started.
Step number three in making yourself the center of your own universe is to reject trends and other people's ideas of what a good time actually means. So, magic really is all in self-discovery and learning what a good life and what purpose actually means to you. That's why I'm such a big fan of solo dating and self-love because spending that quality time with yourself is actually when you start to understand yourself and what you really like and figuring out that for so long you've actually just been living your life according to the ideals of what other people told you you should be doing or what other people said is the best thing to be doing. Let's say if people are always like, "You're in university, so you should party and you should drink," but deep down, that's never really aligned with your morals or your values, but you're doing it because you're just so convinced and pressured by everybody else's ideas. Yeah, solo dating, quality time, and self-discovery helps you avoid all of that waste of time. It could be a friendship, an opportunity, a job, or a lifestyle that might look good when it's portrayed by other people and that they're telling you it's the best thing possible, but it just doesn't feel right. It just doesn't align to who you really are.
Centering yourself is when it becomes the easiest to just let go of all of those ideals and finally feel confident in what you want to do rather than feeling embarrassed or that you're an outcast or that you're too different because you're not following the crowd. And it becomes easy because you're so self-loving and so self-obsessed that you refuse to self-abandon just to feel like you fit in and connect with other people. You also just stop comparing yourself whatsoever. You know how everybody has this common problem where they're like, "I feel like I'm running out of time," or "Other people are achieving so many things," and "I can't stop comparing myself with people online." When you center yourself in your universe, you're not panicking in the slowness. You're not worrying about your own timeline. You're not thinking other people have it better than me because you're simply not focused. You're simply not even looking in that direction. You are so busy pouring into yourself and only worrying about what you have to think about things. The other things like that, you're numb to it. You are so unfazed because you know that everything in your life moves on divine timing. You are always either being prepared, being taught a lesson, or moving in the right direction.
Step number four is all about energy. When you are obsessed with yourself and you walk into a room, you don't match the energy that's already there. You don't mirror other people to make them like you. You don't absorb what everyone else is doing. You've already regulated your energy, chosen the outcome that you want from wherever you are, and you're moving in that direction. Whether there's arguments in the room or chaos, you are not absorbing any of that because your energy and your intentions are not an energetic match for it.
And I'll give you a great example of this. For years and years and years, I had so many inappropriate, gross DMs from men on my Instagram every single day. And when I decided that I was no longer an energetic match for it, and I didn't want that in my life, it is insane how my following on Instagram has grown so, so much every single day. And yet it's like men don't even know I exist online because I just don't get any of it because I decided I don't need that validation. I don't want to be reading any of that. I don't want that attention, and I don't want those eyes on me. I haven't listened to everybody saying that social media is a toxic place and men are just staring at you on there or making inappropriate comments. I decided that's not what my Instagram is about. That's not the energy that I am accepting on there. I'm making my own safe space with an amazing community of women who are all obsessed with self-help. And that really is all of the messages, comments, and attention I get on there. It's not about accepting other people's definition of what you want to love. It's about making your own for it. Whether it be an app, a situation, a job, or the room that you walk into.
And finally, centering yourself is all about decentering the past. Whether it be your past life, past people, or the past version of you, the best thing you can do for yourself is to stop making decisions that are in line with your old wounds, pain, and heartbreak, and instead start moving in the direction of who you're becoming. Become so loyal and devoted to her, everything she would do, what her life looks like, the people in it, the decisions she makes, the confidence that she holds. Even if right now it feels pretend and it doesn't quite feel real, you are still moving in that direction. You are not making decisions or acting in a way just because it feels familiar and comfortable because that's who you've been your entire life thus far. Because if it hasn't gotten you to the destination you wanted, it's time to make some change. So stop focusing on what happened back then and how people have hurt you and how life has wronged you, and instead think, "How good can it get for me? What is she doing? How can I get there? What does my future look like? How can I make it even better than I've ever imagined?" Because that ideal version of yourself, she's already waiting for you. You just have to step into her energy. And it's the second that you stop thinking about the boys, family, friends, drama, and you start thinking about yourself and how you can fill up your own cup that you can finally start to meet her where she's waiting for you.
And finally, chapter number three, the homework chapter. I have these at the end of all of my videos. These are basically the action steps to be able to put all the advice you learned in this video into action so that you can start today. By the way, I also have a fortnightly self-help newsletter with very exclusive advice, links to tools, everything you need to level up. And at the end of each of these newsletters, there's always a weekly challenge that gives you detailed advice on how to put into practice the exclusive lessons that the newsletter teaches you. So, if you like my YouTube homework chapters, you're going to love that.
Homework test number one, the daily questions. I want you to make a note of these, maybe put them on a post-it note on your bathroom mirror and literally ask yourself in the mirror every single day. I want you to either memorize them or just journal on them every single day because this truly is the easiest, most consistent step you can use where you start to just shift the energy and you start focusing on yourself. And like I said before in the video, you are already making the decision so that other people can't make it for you. These questions are: How would the most ideal version of myself act today? How do I want to center myself today or be the most self-obsessed version of myself today? What kind of day or week do I want to create for myself right now? How do I want to ensure I'm feeling at the end of the day? What is the outcome I want from the event I'm going to?
Homework task number two, decentering your phone. This means just have a dedicated time break. It could be an hour, two hours, six hours if you can do that per day where you intentionally take rest from your phone. And this is so important because it's like you are separating yourself from social media, which is so many other people's energy and mindsets and opinions which infiltrate your energy, and you're just taking a break from that, and you're just pausing, and you're really centering yourself and being present with yourself. You are separating yourself from the notifications, the lives of your friends, your family, and just fully soaking up the presence of your own.
Homework task number three, create a weekly ceremony of self-love. If you have no idea how to practice self-love, I've written an entire book that teaches you how to do it with real actions and practical steps. But your weekly ceremony could be solo dates. That's what I love to do. I always take myself out for a meal or to the cinema or to the museum. And I really pour into myself. It's how I practice self-discovery and quality time. Learning about myself, so I don't rely on people to tell me who I am. It could be doing a Sunday reset, taking a bubble bath, having a phone detox once a week. It could be journaling. It could be dressing up every single day to desensitize yourself from the opinions and validations of others and start trusting in your own decision-making.
And that brings us to the end of this video. I hope you guys enjoyed it. If you did, please comment down below. Let me know what your favorite piece of advice or task was from this video and which one you are going to be actioning immediately. I want to know, and I will be responding to all of your comments. Be sure to check out all of the links in the description. I have a book, I have a newsletter, I have guided journals that help you grow into the best version of yourself. And you can also check out Simple App to really level up on your health and fitness journey. I highly recommend it. I personally love the app. Thank you so much for watching. I appreciate you, and I will see you same time next week on Friday for a brand new video. Bye.
[Music]