Transcription
How are you today? I'm not so good. No? Okay, tell me a little bit about it.
Well, I feel like I'm, feel like I'm ready for blowing. I've just had enough. I'm making me plans. I'm going around like that all the time, walking around. Uh, I don't know, I don't know where I'm going with all this. It, it, it's nice that you come and listen to me for an hour, but as soon as I, sometimes it's okay for a bit, but when I, I could be out the room by the time I've got home, I'm already feeling crap again. All right, and you're getting worked up about it now. Is this how it's been then?
Yeah, well, it just feels like I'm, I'm some sort of bloody hamster in a wheel. It just keeps coming back. It's probably all I might as well just be in hospital or something. All right, what's coming back at the moment? And just tell me what's coming up all the time. What's going on for you?
No, I can't. I can't get on with people. People are looking at me all the time. Mhm. Uh, I'm, I'm just frightened. Are you? Hang on, are you able to just calm down for a moment? You just sit back a bit. Can you do that? I think I need to go in hospital or something. Don't worry about saying, just see if you can just calm down a little bit. All right. All right. Just, yeah, see if you can come. All right. Yeah, I'm, I'm not trying to be awkward or anything. It's dead nice, but it just keeps coming on all the time. That's what I want to focus on. When you calm down just a little, let's focus a bit. Actually, the therapy is not really having the effect on this. Okay, we, we'll come back to that. No, just calm down. Can you just hold on to it a minute? Can you just hold on to it? Okay. Okay. Yeah, I'm sorry. Let's go on to therapy a little bit. Your sense is it's quite nice coming along, at least to talk about things, but actually it leaves you still in a pretty difficult. I just, I just feel like I might as well not be anything. I feel like I'm invisible. Right, okay. When you come to see me, how do you feel for the time I'm in? It's all right. And that, that, you know, you're nice and everything. Uh, I'm not always that, I'm not always that nice though, am I? Sometimes I can be quite difficult. Well, I suppose you try and get me for, get off your ass or something or do something about it. But as soon as I go out, I just think, well, there's nothing really happening, you know? Yeah, as soon as you go out, get a bit paranoid, you can't, didn't you? Well, I, I don't feel safe anywhere. So I don't, I don't mix with anybody. I just go for walks and things. That's when I start thinking. That's when all my thoughts. So when you come here, it's quite nice and you feel, I'm mostly nice to you. Well, you're not having a go as such. No, but it, it's, it's all right. All I, I just, I just can't, I just can't seem to maintain it. Yeah, but it doesn't do enough to you each week, as it were, in some way? No. No. Well, it's like it, it's like it's never going to go. Yeah, it's a bit of a problem for me at the moment. Can we just stick to what this it is actually? What would you like it to do? How would you like to leave here? And how would you like it to be? That I've got something proper to look forward to. And what would tell you that was something to look forward to? That I could maintain a better mood. Mhm. You know? Mhm. Because once I start thinking downhill, it's, no, it's just, it's just like a, a hole. Okay. You know, I want you to move just this minute, man. Well, I suppose I've, I've, I've gassed off a bit. I felt I were bubbling, but, MH, you know, I started feeling a bit silly, really, that I'm doing this again and again. This being the, well, I'm, I'm, I'm coming. I'm coming. It's taking all your time up. I'm coming here and the, the probably I'm not really going to get anywhere in the end, am I? But you were just saying we've done a little bit of something useful. You felt bubbly and you're about to blow when you first arrived, and now you're saying I thought you feel a little bit calmer. So you feel a bit easier? Yeah. Well, well, generally I'm fine by the time we're done. I'm sort of, you're just done. I won't say chilled, but I'm, I'm feeling all right within myself. But then, you know, like next day, something like that, I feel like I'm going home and I'm just looking in a mirror, looking at myself. So what was it about with what we've just done that managed to bring you down a little bit and make you feel you're not about to blow at this moment? Well, you, you talk to me. You, you give me a chance to sort of settle a little bit, you know? And I don't mind being here. I feel it's like safe in here. Yeah. But as soon as I'm back on me on it's just that, you know? And it's, it's like I'm hanging on to it. I can see that. So you mean, in a way, you feel a bit better when you're here, but actually that leaves you in a lot more trouble when you leave and you've gone? Yeah. Yeah, I suppose. Yeah. And so I might, I, you might just as well not come in that sense. I mean, if that's, is that where you're at? It's, it's, it's, it's nice, but I can't make it last. I can't make it last. Sometimes I can get here next week and I don't know. I can't say it. There's a, a particular thing that that makes me go, but if I'm going to be like some, well, just be, be in hospital again. Yeah. You know? Yes. What is it with you in hospital? Well, I feel like once, once I've, once I've, I've blown, once I try for, do myself, you know, like you, you're taking in and everything, but that, that's all right because it's, it's a bit like when I've, you know, you've deflated, you've done it, and then, and then suddenly you can't leave the ward. You can't go anywhere. They just seem to be looking at you. You're walking around, over assessing you. Yeah, but they are, aren't they? Well, it doesn't feel like it to me. It just feels like I'm incarcerated. I'm just being locked up. Yeah. Yeah. And then it, that makes me, makes me want to be on my own again. Yeah. You want to get out? Yeah. Yeah, definitely. And I don't really feel that the, they listen to me too much. At least you give me an hour. I don't think they ever give me an hour. Yeah. So that's, so I don't know where I'm going, like I say. So what, what's going at the moment though that you're s, cuz you, you're getting worked up again at the moment, aren't you? You're just calm down. What is it about this is working you up at the minute? I don't, I don't know. I, I don't know whether it's whether I'm thinking that it's just going to come back again and that I'm already thinking about. I don't know. Okay, so it's difficult to be here, feel a bit calmer, feel a bit safer, and then you've got a whole week in between. Well, if I'm, if I, if I come, you know, I don't set myself up to come here not feeling 100%, but if I just came in whistling, well, I might as well not be here, might I? Yeah. And can I just take something else up? This is going back to the hospital thing. Yeah, because you worry that you, you blow and then you get admitted and then they all look at you and assess you and lock you in, incarcerate you, as you called it. And I just have this worry all the time. I mean, today's session, your senses, you need to be back in hospital. You've indicated that a couple of times now. I know from my point of view, I was thinking, gosh, you know, do you really want to be in hospital like that when you're just incarcerated and locked up? But yet you bring a sense that you think you need to go in again. What's making you want to go in? It interrupts that other feeling, that that that feeling of of just being alone and and hopeless and and empty. It, it, it breaks it up. But then, but then you're just locked up. Yeah. And and generally, because I'm on my own all the time anyway, uh, I sort of need me space. But it's sort of as as though that can be me enemy as well. Yeah. I just wanted to go back to this hospital thing because that's been so important and is important for you. I think if we just go back, I mean, what's it like then? And I really mean seriously, what is it like when your senses, you need this so much, which has been around a lot, is around now, but actually all goes wrong? It's all a mess. When you, when you get it, I mean, what's that like for you? Uh, it's, it's okay. It's okay when I get in. But then suddenly I've got people that I feel are are putting on me. And then that's that's all I feel I've ever had. People have always been sort of against me. And the first thing they say is that you can't go out, you can't do anything. And do this time I do my own, even though it ends up not being much, you know? And it's just that it, it just, it just never seems to last. Because because once I'm, once I'm in hospital, uh, I've, s, I've sort of calm down, but all they seem to do is keep me in for a while and then just say they need the bed and send me home. Yeah. But I think that's what I'm trying to get at. So there's this whole sense you put across to me that actually you, you have this pressure that you need to be in the hospital, you need to get, that you need to be taken out of what you're in, and actually it all goes wrong and you get the very thing you definitely don't want, which is being locked up and sort of kept in. All those things come back. Well, what's the alternative, really? Well, I think that's a great question, actually. What is the alternative? Here, trying, trying to make myself a bit more busy. Well, then, you know, I, I just, I just see. No, that's difficult to. That's, yeah. Do, yeah, yeah. I think that's, but at my help, if we just tried to clarify, actually, what it is that you end up really, really struggling with? What made you feel you might blow today? Cuz you've calmed down now. So something was there that you felt was building that meant you had to go to a hospital. What were you trying to struggle with? Uh, it's just, it's just feeling, feeling that I'm not going anywhere. And I suppose not really having anyone that I can trust to share it with. I've only, I've got you for an hour, and that's it. That's not enough, though, is it? Cuz you lose it over the week. That's your. Well, I can only do so long with people and I start, I start wanting to be out the room, you know? I don't like, don't like crowds or anything like that. So I'm, I'm a loser anyway, really, aren't I? Okay, so when you were feeling so caught up in that, I mean, who would you talk to for five minutes about that? Only myself. Only yourself. Do you have to make end up walking around the house? You have to make an appointment with yourself at those times? No, I can't get away from myself. Right, so you've got a permanent appointment. What do you mean? Well, I was just wondering, I can never get an appointment with myself, you know, I'm so busy. I just wondered when you had to talk to yourself, whether you made an appointment or not. No, like that. No. Okay. Well, the problem is that you're permanently caught in your appointment. You, uh, we can't, can't get away, can't get away from yourself. And I can't, I can't, can't make it, make it right. But that was, I thought, why, I'm sorry, I was trying to sort of make a joke of something which I do think is incredibly serious. But, but is your sense that what were you joking then about your appointment? Oh, yeah. Not that funny, is it? Well, I didn't know. I take it really. Sorry. You, it's all right. You know, it's about your, your sense that, um, you make yourself busy. Yeah. Thing. But I was just wondering how you could take yourself out of your mind in that way of keeping just being so trapped. Yeah. Okay. I'm asking you just to kind of consider it. I realize you don't know the answer and I don't know. So, well, I can't. A friend, can I? Why not? I'm joking. E.