Transcription
Well, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to welcome to this stage. You've seen him on Jay Leno, you've seen him on Jimmy Kimmel, you've seen them all over the television. I want you to stand up and put your hands together for Michael Jr!
All right, awesome. Thank you so much. Well, why y'all stop clapping? I don't understand. So, we're gonna have some fun. Um, my name is Michael Jr. I'm gonna do some jokes.
[Applause]
But they're not going to start right away, though. I just want to point that out. So, because for me, comedy is like, it's like dating somebody that you really, really like, you know? Um, and I don't want to rush this. You know, I used to do that. I used to come up on stage, I would do a joke right away, jump right in, you know? But, but I got hurt, man. So, yeah.
And let's be honest, right? I'm sure you've seen a lot of comedians in your day, you know? I know I had my share of audiences, you know? But it didn't last. So, I just, I want this to be different. So, we're doing comedy at a church. Like, like, how is this gonna work out, really? I mean, some people like, I just came to see this thing explode.
What's so amazing about doing comedy at church? When I was a kid, laughing at church was illegal. You couldn't laugh at church. I remember one time laughing at church because this lady was jumping around, and her wig fell off. So, this stuff was funny. Her wig fell off, and then my grandma, I laughed. My grandmother would pinch and twist. I can understand a pinch. You're gonna twist? That's the devil.
[Applause]
Church was the worst. Oh my goodness. Church lasted like six hours, dude. On stage is mad at everybody. I can't figure out why he's so angry. Seven years old, I figured out why he was so angry. He was angry because he has some phlegm caught in his throat. It's at the end of every sentence. He tried to get it out, he'd be like, "The Lord said, act like you..."
[Applause]
Come on, Grandma, he needs to gargle. Grandma, I'm seven years old, man. Church lasted six hours too. When we go in the basement and eat a sandwich and come back up, I'm like, what was that? Halftime or something? Actually, I'm gonna be real with you. That's enough black people here. It was always chicken. Why we always gotta eat chicken every single time? I know I had to tell them, I'm sorry. It was, we had church, you know, and tuna. At the end of church, it would ask us, I was like, "So, you won't go after this? We all gonna go to the Assistant Church?" I don't even like the brother church. One time, I get to church, seven years old, there's a dead body in the front. It's a funeral. Nobody explains that to a seven-year-old, Michael Jr. I'm thinking, "That's how they roll. Like, every three weeks or so, they bring a dead body in as an example of something."
[Applause]
And the dude on stage yells at everybody in the audience like they the ones that did it. I remember asking my grandmother, I'm looking for some explanation. Like, "Grandma, what happened to the man in the box?" "What happened to the man in the box?" Her whole explanation was, "He's in a better place." I'm like, "What kind of box did he live in before?"
[Applause]
Dude on stage said he went to see the king. That was his whole explanation. He went to see the king. Ha. Thank you. I don't understand what that meant. Didn't even call the kids' choir to sing. I was in the kids' choir, not because I wanted to be in the kids' choir. I was in the kids' choir because I was a kid, and it was a requirement. And what song did we get to sing? "Soon and very soon, we are gonna see the king." I want to see the king. Oh, was he the king? You ever go to a funeral and people always talking about the person in the box like they sure he's going to heaven? And then they tell you, and then the people get up there, they always talk about them. And the last thing you know, like the dude stabbed three people when he never prayed one time in his life. And all of a sudden, everybody, "I keep going to heaven." Like, "I'm sure Uncle John is looking down at me right now." And he's got a little tears going down his eye. I'm like, "He probably looking up at you right now. That's a sweat bead. It's what it is. A sweat bead."
[Applause]
I just made that up right now. I just made that up. Even as a kid, growing up, we were poor. We weren't even poor, we were po'. We couldn't afford the other letters, man.
[Applause]
We had no money. I was actually being sponsored by a family from Haiti.
[Applause]
Ally, when you're poor, your creativity excels. Like, it really, really excels. I remember I wanted an action figure when I was 10 years old. I wanted two action figures so bad. My birthday came along. My dad hands me a box. I opened it up. It's empty. He said, "It's Invisible Man." I was like, "That is awesome! I'll play with that thing for like three weeks, man." So, my brother hid it from me.
[Applause]
Couldn't find it nowhere, man. Knew he took it. We played games. We just made up games. We played just one game called, uh, "Talk About You." The instructions were to just talk about you. That's all we did. We talked about each other. My friends would talk about me, but Michael Junior, you got some big feet. And I was good at this game. I was like, "Oh yeah? Well, you so dark-skinned, I bet if you ride a motorcycle, you get a ticket for tinted windows."
[Laughter]
[Applause]
He's hilarious. White people looking for black people. Make sure they can laugh. Thank you. It's okay. You sure? No.
[Applause]
We ain't had no money, man. We had a, my parents would buy us some stuff, but they couldn't pay for every, like, we had the game Operation, right? We had no batteries. Yeah. My cousin came over and he figured out a way how to plug it into the wall, right? It's a whole 'nother game now.
[Applause]
The Operation Roulette is what we called it. It was operational. We just played one time. We played one time. I was like, "I don't want to play. I don't want to play. It's like, ain't my turn. Somebody else better go." Really? Much.
[Applause]
Actually, you know what? Um, I made that up. We weren't poor when I was a kid. I just said that because some jokes are funnier. Some jokes are funnier from a poor perspective. I'm gonna prove it right now. You always, here's a great example. I'll tell you the exact same joke from a prosperous perspective. Watch what happens. When I was a kid, my parents bought us the game Operation. Um, and we played it. It's not as funny, is it? It's better if I was poor.
So excited. Me and my wife just had a new baby. Had a new baby. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's how they come. He's new. My wife wanted to go to the prenatal classes, right? And I'm like, "Well, I go to class, you pregnant, I pass." You know what I'm saying? Like a teacher class or something? I don't know what you want me to. When I went to the class, because I love my wife, right? And I'm afraid that they're gonna play the video. I don't want to watch the video. I'm looking for Bible verses against the video. And then the doctor tries to throw in perks. The doctor was like, "So, listen, um, during birth, would you like to catch the baby?" Catch the baby? Doing what? What are you talking about? I said, "No, no, no. If you want to, you can catch the baby." I'm like, "Isn't that your job to catch the baby? Do I get a discount if I catch the baby? What are you gonna be doing while I'm catching the baby? You went to the school to catch the baby. I do comedy. I shouldn't be catching the baby." Anybody here ever caught the baby before? Anybody ever caught the baby? Anybody dropped a baby? Anybody dropped a baby? I asked that question one time. A lady raised her hand. I'm like, "You got your own baby?" What does that look like? Oh, I'm not sure why I growl when I tell that story. It's weird because I can't even tell the story without growling. I'm gonna try it again. Like it happened every time. I don't understand it.
When ultrasounds come in color now, did you know that? Which is ridiculous. I know it's a black baby.
[Applause]
It better be a black baby.
[Applause]
Yo, what if you didn't know your baby's nationality until you got an ultrasound? That would change a lot, right? Conversations would change, right? You'll be like, "So, what do you want? What do you guys want?" Like, "Well, um, we were kind of hoping for, you know, maybe a Native American, you know, you know, college is so expensive, you know."
[Applause]
And now, we just, with the new baby, we're to the point now where she sleeps through the night, which is great because I was so tired of getting up at like three in the morning to wake up my wife. No, I'll get up with the baby. I always get up with the baby. And I would take care, put the baby and make sure she had all her stuff. And I also would talk to her about how much I love her mom and how beautiful her mom is because I think it's important that a child feel that security, you know what I'm saying? Plus, you know, the baby monitor was on.
[Applause]
And women love babies. Whenever I'm somewhere with my daughter, whenever I'm, people just, women see her and they just go, "Oh." And I'll say anything in their mind, anything at all, just comes out. "Look at the baby, she's so beautiful. I could just hook her. I can just look at her cheeks." Men don't have this reaction. And it's a good thing, too, that something don't go wrong in our minds when we see babies, you know? We do like, we like other women. That's what we like. That's what we find cute. But that would be weird if the same thing happened, right? You see a dude with his girl, you're like, "Oh, what's up, man? How you doing? Look at her." "Hello. Um, can I hold her?" "No, no, no." "Wow, wow. Is this, is this the only one you got? You got anymore?"
[Applause]
"If you ever need somebody to stay with her, man, let me know, man. Beautiful." That is hilarious. You could tell a black woman's laugh. You ever notice it always end with "whoo"? Be a fan involved somewhere. To a homemade fan. Just as a note, this fan right here that some people use actually takes more energy. Therefore, you're building up a sweat. So, just cut your losses.
My older daughter asked me to buy her some Toms. She wants some Tom's shoes. And I was like, "Well, you to the point now where you need to chip in at least something." She's like, "Dad, what you don't understand is whenever you buy a pair of TOMS, a needy child gets a second pair for free." I was like, "Well, you need to sign up for the second pair."
Yeah, me and my wife decided to try to home school. Yeah, yeah. Home school. Yeah, that's. But we found out that when you homeschool, they don't leave. Did you know that? Like, it was still there. So, then we found out the family down the street, they actually homeschool and they've been doing it for a while, and they're really good at it. So, we're gonna see if we can get our kids to transfer to their hospital. I had a friend that was homeschooled when we were kids, man. He got kicked out of homeschool. That was weird.
Parents, you ever want to have to talk with your teenagers? Because teenagers can be a little bit of work. You ever want to have a talk with them? You ever want to break up with them? You ever want to sit them down and be like, "Listen, I think we should just be friends. It's not working out. It's just not working." We are fooling ourselves. No, no, no. It's not like, no, no. We're not seeing any other kids. We're not ready. But if you want to see some other parents, that's just fine. We just, if you could just give us our stuff back, that'd be cool. We call it easy.
[Applause]
I was at the mall the other day, right? Because that's where comedians go to change the subject. I'm at the mall, and this dude has on a shirt that said, "If you don't speak English, leave the country." But it's written in English.
[Laughter]
[Applause]
So, I walked up to him, I said, "You're dumb." Well, I said it in Spanish.
[Applause]
Then we got to the mall. You always see the girls. The girls, we want skinny jeans. You see the girls in the skinny jeans. Skinny jeans. Read the instructions, you know?
[Laughter]
Supposed to be skinny to wear these jeans. Yeah, that's gonna help out. They're not called Muffin Top jeans. That's not what they are.
[Applause]
Not just hear somebody say that's funny. Let me see if I got this right. Instead of actually laughing, you're just going to announce your reaction. That's how you want to know. That's like driving down the street and you get cut off in traffic and you're just like, "The horn!"
[Applause]
Wait, I got another one. I got another one. I know you're gonna expect a dust in your eye. You just stand there and say, "Blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink."
[Applause]
You ever be at the mall, you see the dude with the white tank top shirt on, like a muscle shirt, right? I mean, he don't got no muscles. You're like, "What is that? A wife threatener?"
[Applause]
Was the last time you guys gave somebody the lizard look face? The lizard look face. Everyone in here has done it before. You just didn't name it. Michael Jr had to name it. So now you know what it is. Have you ever made eye contact with somebody for a little longer than you wanted to? You didn't do it on purpose. It just kind of happened. Now you got to fix things. You don't want them thinking that you think of something you ain't thinking. So now you got to do something to rectify the situation. The truth is, you don't got to do anything at all. It naturally happens. You make the lizard look face. Let me give you an example. You're walking along, you make eye contact.
[Applause]
Everybody does it. I don't care what nationality you are. We all do it. You can't even not do it. I dare you. When you leave here, try to make eye contact with somebody for more than three seconds that you don't know. You're gonna be struggling.
[Music]
[Applause]
When I first started doing comedy, I had a guy ask me a question on an airplane. God was like, "Wow, you do comedy, huh? So, when will you know that you're a professional?" That's what he asked me. "When will you know that you're a professional?" I was like, "Wow, I never thought about that before." Because, like, a doctor gets a plaque. You can practice medicine. An attorney passes the bar. An officer gets a gun. How do you know when you're a professional as a comedian? So, I told him, "After I get a certain amount of money for one show, that's when I'm a professional." Then I got the money and I was like, "Doesn't feel like I'm a professional yet."
Fast forward some years later, I'm doing a, I'm doing a show at a comedy club in the South. And I get heckled from this guy in the back of the room with more twang than I can explain. You ever hear somebody with so much twang, it sounded like they speak in banjo? You just talk to him. "Hey, man, how you, what you gonna do? You gonna go around that gun? Burn down, down, down, back up, because stop your foot, starts stomping." You're like, "What is going on?"
[Applause]
So, the dude heckles me from the back of the room and he says this, "Micah Jr, I was wondering, why do our black people look alike?" And the whole crowd froze. So, all white audience, they know how it's gonna respond or what I was gonna do. They had no idea. I didn't know how I was gonna respond or what I was gonna do. They didn't know if I was gonna throw a chair, get mad. They had no idea. When I said these words, I didn't even think them. When I said them, I was hearing them for the first time. He said, "Micah Jr, why do all black people look alike?" I was like, "We don't all look alike. You just got to cut the eye holes in your sheet a lot bigger."
[Applause]
And that's when I knew I was a professional. What's your name, sir? What is it? Andy. Cool. Ed. You just changed it. It's awesome. That's a cool name. Your name is Ed. That's the name that travels. You know, some names travel, some names don't travel. Like Ed. You could be a black Ed or a white Ed. Your name travels. Some names don't travel. A name that doesn't travel. Anybody know a black Becky? They don't travel. Do it? They don't travel. They don't travel. Anybody know a white Shaquifer? No, no. Doesn't travel. Doesn't travel. It travels. What do you do for a living, Ed? I'm gonna. Let me turn the volume up real quick. Go ahead. Say it again. Oh, that's great. She's got a mic for you. That's awesome. That was cool. What do you do? I, I do websites. You do websites? Yeah. We all do. It's called click, click. It's awesome. Ed's unemployed. Everyone. So, yeah, they get paid pretty good for this, boy. What's that? I get paid pretty good for this toy. Ah, cool. That's awesome. Yeah. Can we get a little humility up front, please? Can we get a little? No, just. All right, cool. So, let's say you're at work building websites, right? What does your workspace look like? Is there a bed somewhere in there? No, you actually go to an office. So, at some point throughout your day, I'm just usually as a segue to get to my favorite part of the show. That's all I'm doing. Okay. At some point throughout your day, you get to take a break. Yes. Exactly. I've been standing up here for like 30 minutes.
[Applause]
Now I'm on break. Let me explain to you about Michael Junior's break time. My job is to do stand-up comedy. No, I'm on break. It's kind of like, imagine if you were a janitor or something, right? And somebody who spilled something on the ground, you could clean it up, but you don't have to because you're on break. Same thing here, man. Something funny might happen, but I ain't trying. It's cool. Looking people. What's your name? What's. We actually have a mic. All right, that's awesome. What's your name? Melanie. Cool. Travels. It does travel. We all know a black Melody. Oh, at least I do. That's what you do, Melody? Um, I actually work here. You work here, right? Let's use somebody else because this will look staged.
Real quick, on break time. She's cute. She got dimples. I love dimples on women. It's so cute. Only in the front, let me say that though.
[Applause]
It's break time. Whatever. What's your name? Julie. Travels. What do you do, Julie? I stay at home with my kids. Well, did you just lose your job tonight or something? I'm not sure. She's like, "I stay at home." Well, okay. Just broke out. Awesome. I just talked to somebody else. What's your name? Pretty lady. What's your name? You got? Yeah, right here with dimples. Are you? What's going on? Right. What's going on? Sue. Cool. What's, uh, how you feel, Sue? Huh? Was, um, four? No, I mean, I'm just, you're gonna have to say it first, though. Woody. I've been hurt before. We're expecting. Oh, okay. Okay. Expecting what? You're not gonna set me up. Okay. Um, oh, baby. A baby? Yes. Yes, by birth. Yeah. Okay, cool. I'm just making sure you ain't setting me up. I did that one time. I was like, "Congratulations." The lady's like, "For what?" But listen, this is a 100% true story. I said, "Congratulations to this lady." She says, "For what?" But I was so confident she was pregnant. I said, "On your pregnancy." Then she says, "For real?" She says, "I'm not pregnant." She has a big stomach. And I walk funny. I had no idea what to do after that. It's a true story. You could tell it's not that funny at the end. So, what'd you say your name was again? Sue. Awesome. What do you do, Sue? I'm gonna stay at home. Stay-at-home wife. And probably gonna be a stay-at-home mom in the future. That's awesome. Now, as a stay-at-home wife, do you actually stay at home? Because some of them, some of them don't. I'm just saying. One man comes home like, "Where's dinner?" That home wife is gone. Awesome. That's your husband right there. Cool. That's good. Because if it's not, he's gonna find out you guys are together. That is awesome. How long you guys been together? It'll be four years the 29th. Wow. How do you know that, dude? No, because most of the time you ask a guy how long you've been married, this is what the guy does automatically.
[Mimics looking confused]
But you knew he was like, "Four years on the 29th." That's awesome, dude. You happy? Awesome. Giggle. He's happy. All right, cool. Yeah, let me talk to the pretty little girl right here. Let me talk to people. Is okay? You want to talk? Oh, she's so cute. What's your name? Yeah. Mia. Wow, that's awesome. That name officially travels, right? Now, because before you, it didn't. I gotta be real with you. Mia, how old are you? Mia. Wow, that is awesome. She just outdid you, dude. You thought you knew some stuff. Wow. So, what grade are you in? First. First grade. Cool. You gonna do it again? I did that a couple times. You want to try it again? No. Okay. You can do it that way if you want. Whatever. You know what I'm saying? Little Mia, whatever. You know. Are you having a good time here? Have you been to a comedy show before, Mia? Okay. Are those your parents next to you? Awesome. Which one you like the best?
[Applause]
Don't even make eye contact with them. You were awesome. Mia is all pretty and stuff. All right, so break time is running a little long. You got any questions for me, Mia? You sure? All right, so this, we're gonna do. It's a two-minute window. You're gonna ask me any question you want. Any questions at all. Here are the rules. You have to say, "Michael Jr, I was wondering," and I'll give you an answer, a response, a reaction. Some comedy could be created on the spot. With that being said, the window is open now. Any question on. Just raise your hand. We'll bring your mic. It'll be awesome. Yo, my man right here in the green got a question. You're running two, right? Okay. There's some hands up. If you want to go. All right, cool. No, um, what's your, the rules are simple. It's Michael Jr. Go ahead. I was Junior. I was wondering, what's your favorite joke? My favorite joke, it's not even a joke. It really happened. My son, the four-year-old, looks at me out of nowhere. He says, "Dad, I want to be a doctor." I was like, "Yes, yes." Then he said, "Or a dinosaur." It's my favorite right there. All right, my man in the back. What's your name? What? Wyatt. That's an awesome name. It doesn't travel. Ain't no black Wyatts. It sounds too much like white. I'm just saying. Nobody is the black Wyatt. Make up your mind. Awesome. Wyatt, what's your question? Hey, Michael Jr, I was wondering, do you like to dance? Wow. Let me think about that. You want me to do a dance for you? That's what you're looking for. A little. I don't think so. Okay.
[Applause]
Self down somewhere. How about that? All right, we gotta give them some free stuff or something because he was hilarious. Yes. Awesome. Let's not ask any adults. Apparently, you're. What's your name? What is it? Olive. Olivia. Your name travels. All right. What's your question? Remember Junior. I was wondering, why the chicken crossed the road? That is so racist. I can't believe she actually died.
[Applause]
All right, here we hear somebody tell you an amazing story about how they almost got killed. I know I sound like it's a skirt in Ireland. Look, that's how black people say it. Kill. You know, man, if I would have turned this way, man, I would have got killed. Something told me to go the other way. I didn't want to be a Christian either for a long time because some Christians are creepy. It's some creepy Christians. It's creepy everything. It's creepy Muslims, but some Christians is creepy. You ever have somebody, they talk about God and their voice changes all of a sudden? Like, "Yo, man, how you doing?" "I'm cool." "Can I tell you about the Lord?" What is wrong with your voice?
[Applause]
What's wrong with your voice? Or somebody starts praying in the middle of your conversation. You was just having a conversation. "Yo, you see the game? That was a good game, man. That game was a good guard." "We just thank you for being so holy, Lord. It's so awesome." Like, "Are we praying right now?" You are creepy. You probably became a Christian. I'm used to. I would ask a girl out, and this, this one girl, I remember she said to me, she said, "I'm dating Jesus." I didn't know what that meant. Now I realize she was just saying she wants to get closer to God before she started dating. Back then, I had no idea. I thought she was dating Jesus. A month later, she called me up and said, "You still want to go out?" I'm like, "Did you break up with Jesus?" I'm like, "I don't know for sure, but I think it was your fault." Whatever happened, it was yours. Now you're coming to me. You are confused. You better go back. I'm telling you, he forgives you for everything. And you give free wine. You better call him.
[Applause]
Better go call him. Because what if I'm the jealous type, right? I walk in the room, she's praying. I'm like, "Who are you talking to?"
[Applause]
Because you've got different types of Christians. That's what I found out. You got Christians who are cool. You can hang around with them. Iron sharpens iron relationships, right? You got Christians who may have a little limp and they walk. They got their hat on, but the shoes don't match. They ain't got Christians. So, I'm just gonna put this out there. You ever know somebody that was over-saved? Don't look at them. Don't look at them. You can't even have a regular conversation with him. He's like, "Hey, man, I'm thirst." "You thirsty?" "Thirsty for the Lord." "Thirsty for the Lord." "Hey, I lost my keys. Could you help me find my keys?" "You need the keys to the kingdom." "Well, yeah, I didn't drive a kingdom." "Yeah, drove a Toyota." I know as soon as I said over-saved, some of y'all had somebody in mind. But if you didn't, somebody had you in mind. You could be over-saved. You ain't know it. Now I gotta let you know that you over-saved. A couple indicators to let you know you over-saved. Just a couple indicators. Um, if you don't mess around with computers because they got a cursor.
[Laughter]
I'm sorry. If you rebuke vacuum cleaners because it's a Dirt Devil. I got an aunt that's over-saved. She messes up television shows for us. We're watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. The beginning of the show, they always tell you the sad story about the people. My aunt gonna start praying for him. "Lord, help them get a new house. Lord, just..."
[Applause]
"They're gonna get a new house. They're gonna get a new house." She's like, "Yes, you got to believe." I'm like, "You know, you got to have cable. Is what you got to do. You were messing up the program right now."
I like reading the Bible. I was reading the Bible, found out, uh, found out Jesus had a little brother. Anybody know his name? James. When I read that, I was like, "How much pressure was that? Jesus, your big brother? How many times you have to hear, 'Why come you can't be more like Jesus?'" James, did you know everybody probably thought that James could do the same thing Jesus could do? But he couldn't. He was just James. He wasn't James Christ. Remember the wedding banquet? Jesus turned water into wine. Everybody was amazed. But they don't tell you about the next banquet. Jesus left early. They started running out of wine. Everybody looked at James. It's like, "Man, last time this happened, your brother made some wine. Dude, you're just gonna stand there with your sandals on? You're not gonna make some Kool-Aid or something, man? You're not gonna do anything?" You know, James had problems, just like any other kid had problems. You try to follow his big brother around. So, everywhere Jesus went, James followed him. That's what little brothers do. So, if Jesus went there, so did James. I bet one time, James almost drowned.
[Applause]
To. Oh, you just got that joke just now, didn't you? Jesus walked on water, and James tried to adjust me. I'm sure James had problems. He would go to his parents with his problems. And his parents, especially his mom, was trying to throw him a bone once in a while. They pray over their food, like, "Lord, we just thank you for this food in James' name."
[Applause]
James had problems. He would go to his parents with his problems. You know what they would say? He'd be like, "Well, what would Jesus do?" You know? Then they gave him a bracelet. They gave him a bracelet. And, um, then he started selling those bracelets. You know, made some money selling bracelets. What would be cool is, "What would James do?" Bracelet. Same initials. Different meaning. Completely different meaning. You're driving down the street, you get cut off in traffic, you fuss them out. Your pastor's gonna be like, "Yo, you gotta, what would Jesus do?" Bracelet on. Like, "Uh, that's what James do."
[Applause]
I'm driving an imaginary car for a long time, isn't it? Also found out when Jesus was 12 years old, Mary and Joseph lost Jesus. They lost Jesus. And you know the first thing they had to do was pray. I wonder what that prayer must sound like. Joseph probably did the prayer. He was like, "Oh God."
[Applause]
"Dear God, um, oh, forgiving God, um, you remember that Messiah you gave us? You got another one somewhere, man? Real." That was the only. Because, okay, we're gonna find him. We're gonna find him. We're gonna find him.
I was reading, I want to know about the blessings of Abraham. So, I'm reading the Bible, it's like Genesis. And one thing's a blessing about Abraham was the obedience of his household. His name used to be Abram. And one day, God told him to change his name. God changed his name and told him to go home and circumcise the entire household, even the servants. The Bible said he went home that same day and did it. That is obedience. Because I don't know if I could have been a servant. I'm just saying. I had a couple questions. First, like, "Wait, what happened? What happened?"
[Applause]
"You changed your name? I don't think I know you. Then I don't know you. I don't know. I don't know you." Okay, okay. "Can we just talk for a second? Can we just talk?" "Okay, can you stop sharpening that rock while we talk, though? It's distracting. It's distracting a little. I'm trying to focus. I'm trying to focus." "Okay, what exactly did God say? His words, please." "Okay, circumcise and a flesh and a foreskin. You shouldn't say your skin."
[Applause]
"Go back up there and check, man. Come back with a note." And then going to church could be a little intimidating sometimes. Like, you're trying to look for the right church. You'll never find the perfect church. So, you just stop looking for the burger church because you ain't perfect. I went to one church and, uh, the pastor is like, "I want you to pray with your neighbor." I'm like, "My neighbor don't go to this church."
[Applause]
"You want me to call my neighbor on the phone? That's creepy." So, to explain to me, your neighbor is the person next to you. I'm supposed to pray with some lady. I don't even know what I'm supposed to pray about. "Lord, help their hairs and stop growing on this lady's chin. Lord, I don't, if she went first, man, she must have been John the Baptist's auntie or something, man." Because she prayed all good. She was like, "Dear Heavenly Father, you said in your word in the sixth chapter of the third, third verse, Lord, of the Book of Matthew, Lord, the 601st word on page 1297, Lord, or just says, 'Seek, search.' Lord, You're the Alpha and Omega, Jehovah Jireh, the King of Kings." I'm thinking, "Man, she even know his nicknames."
[Applause]
Now she's looking at me like, "It's my turn to pray." I'm not gonna let her out-pray me. So, I'm like, "All right, dear God. God, it's just you. I just, I just can't fight this feeling anymore, you know? You know, because of no, Lord, that nationwide, you're on my side, God. And because there's choosy moms choose Jesus, Lord, you know, that's the rockets' red glare, Lord. Okay. Proof to the night. I Believe I Can Fly. Amen."
Yeah, then I got baptized. I just want to go on record to say it's a little more on it when black people get baptized because we don't like water. I'm not gonna say that all black people don't like water. I'm just gonna say all the black people I know don't like water. I don't know what it is about the water. Invite a black person to your pool party. Some of you have done this before. What happened? They showed up with all their clothes on. Talk about, "Man, I'm just gonna eat, man. I ain't getting in the water." We just don't like. I don't know what. I know what the black women is. The hair. Black women do not want to get their hair wet. You could rob a black woman with a square gun. Take it.
[Applause]
Just take it. Just take it. Well, I like water. We don't like water. Immediately. When I got baptized, first, let me tell you how I learned how to swim. I'm fishing off a bridge in Michigan when I was a kid. I'm 11 years old. I'm fishing off a bridge. I love to fish. So, I'm fishing off a bridge. They're fishing. I'm biting. My dad comes over. He's like, "They're not biting." I was like, "Nope." He's like, "Well, let's have some fun." "Oh, yeah, okay."
[Applause]
[Music]
That's how I learned how to swim. Fast forward, right? Like 10 years ago, about to get baptized. I have not been submerged underwater since the bridge. Stand in the water. Dude's gonna push me, right? I'm like, "You know what? I'm not ready yet. I'm not ready yet." All right, dude's gonna push me again. I'm like, "There's gonna be trouble in the water. There'll be trouble in the water." Come on, if you want to, right? And I'm all creative. I'm like, "Wait a minute. It's a white dude. He got on a white sheet. I don't know if this is right. Are you gonna let me up? Are you gonna let me up? This is not an eight-minute baptism." And when they baptized you, what did they say? "In the name of the Son, the Father, the Holy Spirit." Don't go under the water. I'm reading the Bible. That Jesus got baptized. I was like, "Well, what did they say to him?" There's like, "There's like, you, your dad, and your best friend."
[Applause]
I was on a show at this club in Los Angeles. In Los Angeles, there's this club called The Comedy Magic Club. It's a very prestigious club. It's really hard for comedians to get into this club. Like, every Sunday night, Jay Leno performs here. It's a really hard club to get into. So, I'm brand new in town. And, uh, this comedian named George Wallace takes me into the club. Now, George Wallace, if you don't know who he is, my favorite Wallace joke because he says he was in China and he bought a pair of shoes and he looked at the bottom of them and it said, "Made right around the corner." I love George Wallace. George Wallace takes me into the club. And in the green room is Gary Shanley and Jay Leno. Now, George Wallace, I'm like, "Oh snap, these are some soldiers in comedy." I'm just happy to be in the room with them, right? But your gift will make room for you. So, I'm sitting there. And at the time, you're working on a joke. A football player had got hit in the eye with a flag. Anybody remember that? Got hit in the eye with a flag. He was suing a league for like $400 million. Now, Jay Leno, George Wallace, and Gary Shanley are all working on a joke for Jay Leno's monologue for The Tonight Show, like the following week. I ain't saying nothing. I'm just happy to be in the room. Then it got quiet, and they looked at me. I was like, "Oh snap." I was like, "All right, so let me see if I got this right. He got hit in the eye with a flag. He lost his vision in one eye and he's suing a league for $400 million. Um, he not gonna see half of it."
So, not long after that, I'm headlining down at the club. Right now, I hit a headline there on a regular basis. Now, a little while back, I'm doing a show there. And right before I got on stage, God changed my mindset about comedy. When a comedian gets on stage, he wants to get what? Laughs. That's 100% true. That's exactly what I was about. God changed my mindset and said, "Don't go up there to get laughs from people. Go up there to give them an opportunity to laugh." He'll change everything. So, I do my show. We have a great time. I leave. I'm outside. I'm talking to the people. They want autographs. Same thing every time I leave this club. But this time, I look across the street and I saw a homeless guy. I had never seen a homeless guy outside this club before, ever. But that doesn't mean he wasn't there before. It just means that my mindset was to get laughter from people. So, why would I even notice a homeless guy? And I noticed him. I was like, "Yo, what about him? How could I give him an opportunity to laugh?" And then God was like, "You really want to know?" And I was like, "Nope." Then I said, "Yes." You know, because I was getting on a plane the next day. Um, I said, "Yes." And we went and did a comedy tour like no other tour before. First place we went to was Fort Worth, Texas. There's a place here called, there's a place called The Samaritan House. The Samaritan House takes care of people who are homeless and they have HIV. We went in there, we did a comedy show for them. And then after the show, this guy walks up to me and he wants to talk to me. Now, the facilitator already told me that this guy, I think his name was, his name was Steve. He don't talk to anybody, but he wants to talk to me. I'm like, "Why you want to talk to me?" He goes on to tell me that until that night, he hadn't laughed in over 20 years. And I'm telling you, I almost started crying. I was like, "You better back up." We leave there, we go to Montrose, Colorado. A place called A Dolphin House. The Dolphin House takes care of children who are being abused by their parents who are on drugs. And his grandmother tells me the story of her grandson. And, um, she tells me about how he's been abused by his mom. And one of the things she's doing is she's pulling out his toenails. And then she explains that, uh, her grand, the grandson is so afraid of his mom. Everywhere he goes, he wears a Spider-Man costume. Everywhere he goes. I hear his story and I hear all these other kids' stories. And now they bring them all together. And I got to do comedy for them. Only with God's strength was able to get up on stage. So, I get up there and I start doing. Kind of sitting right up front, Spider-Man, full costume. I know his story. And I got to do comedy. So, I started doing comedy. An amazing thing happens when a room full of people start to laugh, you open up and reveal who you truly are. And I hear a voice come from this part of the room right here. And the voice says, "My name is Ronan." This little boy pulls off his mask, introduces himself to me. He starts talking to me for like nine minutes. Like, I'm not doing a comedy show. He talked about Spider-Man, talked about Batman. He said, "Batman has a belt." And I was like, "Well, I got belt too. If you don't sit down somewhere." Right? It's exactly what happened. The whole room laughed. In fact, it was the biggest laugh of the night. Now, listen, I can guarantee you, it was not in my notes to do a joke about whooping kids.
[Applause]
In a room full of abused kids.
[Applause]
But that was a joke that needed to be done. God knew. And the elephant had to leave the room. We had an amazing time. We leave there, we go to Skid Row. A guy says to me, "I've been homeless for seven years, on crack cocaine for five years. I was beaten, stabbed, and left for dead. I could really use a laugh, Michael Jr." Same dude has to use his left hand to keep himself from falling out of a chair. And laughter. We filmed the whole thing. We made a movie. It's called Comedy Roll. Let's travel. We go to one more location. We actually go to a youth prison. We go to an adult prison. The adult prison is not in the film, but I got to tell you what happens because it just shows you how God got your back when you step out there and do something he told you to do. So, we go, we go ahead and we go to this adult prison. And I'm scared for real. I don't mind telling us. I walk in. The war takes my belt. He's like, "You can't have a belt. Somebody might try to hang you." I'm like, "Can't they just boo me or something? Why you gotta hang me?" Because there's a real dilemma going on right now. They can either hang me with my belt, or I take the belt off and my pants is loose. There's some stuff going on in my head right now. I'm just telling you, I'm very creative.
[Applause]
So, I'm scared for real. And I need a joke immediately. I know tonight, I was all moving slow. Comedy is like dating. Not in prison. Nope. That analogy never came up. It never came up. I'm scared for real. Bars are open in front of me. They're closing behind me. Open in front of me. I can't run. I'm scared for. Gotta be funny immediately. The joke popped to my mom. I'm scared to say it. I was gonna say, "You know, you guys are a captive audience. You know, I just want to say that, you know..."
[Applause]
I was scared. I was scared. I walk in. Sitting right up front is a white dude with a white beard named Moses. I was like, "Thanks, Lord." I looked at Moses. And when I said these words, the place exploded and laughed. We had an amazing time. I looked at Moses. I said, "Moses, that's what I want you to do. I want you to look to prison warden right in his eye. Look him right in his eye. And I want you to say, 'Let my people go.'"
Listen, I love you. I thank you so much. Michael Jr. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.