Transcription
I do want, you know, the crux of it. It is spiritual 100%. Math is definitely the gateway, a gateway. I know this. I know that this doesn't affect everybody on it, but I know it affects a lot.
It is unlike anything I've ever tried or done. You couple that with narcissistic abuse and sociopaths and people that are walking in darkness, you are going to be used.
This is Hard Knox Talks.
Jason, welcome to the podcast.
Hey, thank you so much for having me.
Yeah, let's get right into it. Um, yeah, you're you've got a gnarly story, man, and I can't wait to hear it. So, tell me about uh how how drugs got started for you.
Uh, well, I was, uh, I was in New Hampshire at the time in my 20s. I started dabbling in, but it was always manageable. It was never anything, you know, that that was a problem, per se. Um, and I graduated from Harvard as an adult with my masters and then it was during COVID. And so what happened? I had a plan B lockdown for what I was going to do for a job and that involved teaching at University of New Hampshire.
What did you come out of Harvard with?
Um, a masters in theological theological studies and uh I'm a poet and a writer and so I was just uh really blessed to um get a full scholarship there really, you know, and uh and you know I'm a I'm a high school dropout that was driving a taxi up until that point.
Okay. So you graduated Harvard with a a master's in theological studies?
Correct?
And then all of this gnarly stuff happened. So you went into this?
Yeah. And when you started seeing the the the dark demonic things, you were like, "Oh, I know what that is."
Well, I didn't. And this is this is the thing is I didn't know anything about any I didn't learn any of that stuff at the Divinity School and that kind of thing. It's uh I was on a doctrinal track and and ended up not going that route, but I was just studying language and and writing really and religion, literature, and culture. But in terms of the demonic and things like this, I I didn't study any of that there. I didn't learn about God or anything or evil, true evil in the world until after I left there, which was really uh really incredible. Um, and so I found myself in University of New Hampshire in in New Hampshire. And uh, you know, I was just lonely. I think I was really lonely. I think coming from coming from a background where you're raised poor and you drive in a taxi and you're a high school dropout and then all of a sudden you get thrust into the world of Harvard and then you're pulled out of that. You know what people don't tell you is that you know you're not going to leave there rich. You're not going to leave there with any other opportunities really that you didn't have before you went in there. So anyway, um I was going out to the bars uh when I wasn't teaching and um yeah and and I met somebody and uh they they had math and I tried it and uh I was for me it was just a beautiful euphoric experience and I like to pair it in the you know with with sex you know it was all about that. It was about the the chem sex part of it, the pleasure of it and being able to um you know just be completely depraved for hours and hours and hours and have the energy to do that. You know what I mean?
And uh it stayed like that for a while until about April of 2022 and then uh I moved back uh to Boston. And at this time, you know, I always I always made sure to have some on me. So now you're using daily?
Uh yeah and that was the start of it getting really you know dependent where I couldn't feel good without it. I also knew you know I knew that there I wasn't where I wanted to be in life professionally you know so I know looking back it was just a distraction you know you go moment to moment dayto day with it you know and it's really funny how how Satan will make sure you have every single thing you need during this. It's the strangest thing. Like I even during moments of between employment and things like this and moving um I didn't have a lot of savings or anything like that, but I always had enough for everything I needed to keep going in this depraved lifestyle. The evil didn't start until I met somebody specific. And so it was about a year into it. There were moments now and I want to make this known where there were two months at a time, three months at a time I'd go completely sober. Um, and of course every time I went back to it, I I'd need more than before, you know. And I met somebody and fell in love. Come to find out later on, you know, I I had never known about narcissists or sociopaths or borderline personality disorder, any of these things in people. I didn't know what red flags were. So, this person was that. And it became sex became weaponized things. It was just the utmost. It was a complete psychological upheaval and that led to a spiral and then this person became really violent and this is when it takes off with people involved in a lab and being gangstaled and all that stuff happens all due to being in a relationship and leaving a narcissist that wanted to destroy you for leaving them for abusing you. Insane manipulation and betrayal and gaslighting and my my intuition was being hijacked. I was being gaslit like crazy. And again, I I never experienced this before. So violent. This person would switch. And this is where I I I started seeing real demons in people was in this relationship. Like the face would change, you know, and and and at this point I'm like, "Something's wrong. There's a personality disorder." So I start researching like crazy. I become obsessed with personality disorders and cluster because I didn't know anything about this stuff. And I love this person deeply that was violently, emotionally abusing me, you know, physically, all of it. uh I'm learning about all these things and I'm starting to see it, you know, I'm starting to see it in this person. I can see how their personality can change and then other personalities were coming out and it was demonic and it was like I'm going to destroy you because you can't leave me. It it was literally was I've screenshots of like I have to harm you because you don't see it, you know, like I'd be like punched in the face or a job would be sabotaged. I'd be stalked at my job. I couldn't work. And uh and so I left. Eventually I left. It just got to the point that was a hard thing. You know, the harder it's easier to you know, it's always easier to stay. That's when it got crazy. So, it got crazy crazy after the breakup because how D, you know, I was even told, you know, I can't you can't be in this world if I'm in this world too. You have to go. I saw just the masks came off. I saw that all the love was fake. I just saw everything was fake. I I saw that it was demonic possession. I saw that it was I mean whole personality changes into completely different people you know the face would change the eyes would grow dark it's crazy and I had pictures of all this stuff because I would show like my friend I like look at this like it was just a perfect storm I was meeting up with people things like this so it was months a good few months everybody I was meeting up with thinking about it now knew things about my life that they shouldn't have known things that like my my ex would only know.
Like crazy. Do you know what? And I'm like.
To where in the moment your your jaw is dropping and you're getting flooded with fear, which is the whole point of it.
What I what I discovered in this scene were some of the most depraved evil people I've ever met in my life. I knew that I didn't wasn't part of the scene, but I didn't know where I belonged at the moment. And again dealing with the grief and depression of you know uh losing a love and you know not realizing realizing my own love and my own worth at the time you know and um but deeply grieving them because I couldn't save them from their demons. That was my thing and I kept trying and I wanted to and that's you know my love was used as weakness you know it's.
There were a lot of moving parts. I would go over someone's I would go over someone's house and they would all of a sudden they would play recording and it would be my ex, you know, in sex, you know, and I could tell, you know, I'm like, "Okay." And at this point, it was getting after months and months of this, it would start to get laughable, like, "Okay, how are you going to screw with me now?" You know, because you have this fake fe you have this fake when you're in that much fear. And it got terrifying. Don't don't get it twisted. It got really terrifying after a while.
It got very, very real. And um but it was just this weird mind game for a while. And and I don't it's it's so so this there are a couple different two different groups involved and this is where it got really really dangerous. My ex ended up going into a sober house and I was sent a photo and it was a photo to try to make me jealous because there were a bunch of people around. But I zoom in in the back and I see what and I see and there's a math lab there and I sent it to I had a state trooper friend at the time and I said, "What does this look like to you?" Because glass, they're blue, the green, you know, and there were cones, they were wearing masks. So I got this photo, I realized what it was and I was just angry. I found out after that they that the people who ran the house, true story, Lord knows, were given three hours to leave the house. Uh my ex said that somebody afterward was killed that they made $30,000 but lost their job. So then people were angry because they lost their jobs.
And then my ex was Yeah. And then so and my ex wanted to be destroyed because I destroyed their secret life, their job, their money, you know. And uh.
Did the cops raid?
Apparently. I don't know. It wasn't on the news, but something happened because my ex and the others, everybody that was there fled. Then it got serious. Then the cartel then the cartel got involved and then I found myself being being followed by cartel members. And at this point I was living in Harvard Square and I'm working at Harvard part time. You know, I had to ask myself, why didn't you just stop? Why didn't you just stop meeting depraved like sociopathic people? And looking back, it was the trauma bond was so deep and I was so addicted to the drama in a way I'd never been. That being in the scene and like meeting people that that knew my ex in a way, it was a way for me to be close to that again in a strange sense. I could see that. Do you know what I mean? Like.
It's so twisted. And.
Um, but it got real. It got scary. Uh, the the cartel, you know, they're very good at running things. You're talking about narco satanist in a lot of ways in that scene. You have a lot of depraved people in that scene. The most depraved people you'll ever meet. One one sure example was, you know, uh I was on the Harvard campus and I was walking. It was at night and this guy and they have a certain look, tall, Mexicanl looking, uh just big big guys that you don't really see. You know, everybody around Cambridge is short. Um, and I'm walking and I look behind me and I'll never forget this and it's somebody like walking across a quad, but it's dark. It's not but it's light enough where I can see their face and that they can see, you know, so it's like they're following me. And then I look back just out of a sense and they turn to their phone real quick and stop in the middle, you know, in the middle of the night kind of looking at their phone.
And then I'm like, "Okay." And I go around a building and I knew I'm like, "This is this isn't someone that I'm meeting. this isn't someone that this is somebody that's actually why are they following me tonight? Why why am I being followed? You know, and um and so I turned the corner and it I made it to look with the way the building was set up. I made it to look that look like I went inside the building, but I didn't. So I was right around the corner waiting for this guy to come kind of sitting on a thing. And so he comes around the corner and he sees me there and he's just like looking at me with like like you're dead. I go into one of the Harvard buildings that you need an ID for and then he stood there and just staring at me like I came back out a little while later, you know, and I didn't, you know, and he wasn't there. That kind of stuff started happening a lot. And this I this I knew I was like, "Okay, this isn't just some gaslighting narcissistic crap with like totally depraved people. This is this is some heavy duty stuff." I was told how I was going to be murdered. Looking back, I can see now that I should have been in this scene. I met people that murdered or never got caught. You know, I you meet the most vile people.
Mhm.
And I I don't think that what people understand is that there are so many dangerous people that get away with crazy things every day that never get caught. They're all And then, you know, a lot of them are on these Discord channels. You're talking like child stuff. like beast and animal stuff. You're talking like sa satanic ritual stuff for real. And this is, you know, and I studied some of this when I was in in graduate school thinking, you know, because I always thought it was interesting that you'd have these panics around every people can't be that evil.
So, what are some of the things that you came face to face with? Like you said that you they told you how they were going to kill you. Was this some sort of like?
Ritualistic thing? So, at this point, every time, so I'm in uh Harvard Square, and every time I leave my apartment, you know, I'm walking around Harvard Square, there's a certain amount of, you know, the regular homeless people there, things like this. There was one that would you would have people that would just literally come up to you out of nowhere and stare at you like they hated you. There was uh, you know, one point there was this guy walking and walked right up to me and he's like, "Let's have a chat." Sat me down and I'm like, "I didn't do anything." thing. And at this point, I'm just angry. Like, I'm pissed off, you know? I'm like, I don't even know who you are. And then he was surprised. I didn't know who he was. It was the weirdest thing. Look, I can't remember exactly what he said, but I remember I said, "What? So, you're the one that signs the checks?" And I remember I'm like, "So, you're part of the you're part of the house." Like, you know, and he didn't say yes or no. And then he goes, "It's my birthday today. It's my birthday today." That was my ex's birthday on that day. Uh, at this point, I realize that they know I'm not going to kill myself even though I'm going crazy. And uh and I know that they they're not going to kill me because they would have already. You know what I mean? Like no. And so this is where I found out one of the darkest spots where he he goes, "Michael, Michael, my baby. Michael, Michael." He starts going on about like this this mother with their kid being hurt and me being involved. Long story short, like if we can't get you this way or that way, we're going to ruin your entire image and we're going to frame you for something that you didn't do. And they can do that kind of stuff, you know, and I don't want to get too too dark with that, but you know what I mean. And again, it was very complex. It was lots of moving parts and you're on drugs.
Yeah.
So it's I mean, you know.
Um.
Okay. So So So then what I mean, you know, you got a threat saying that they're going to frame you.
Right?
Then what?
Yeah. And and Yeah. And so, um, I met with someone and they told me the only thing they have to do, I'll never forget this because this was spine chilling. The only thing they have to do is they have to get you to come. I thought they meant I thought they meant like show up like show up at uh, you know, show up to a meeting or whatever, you know, to a hookup or something.
But that wasn't it.
They were gonna No. In my head, I think, okay, they're gonna do something to to that some kid named Michael or whatever like that guy on the street I met said and blame it on me and I'm gonna get framed for it because because if somebody doesn't off themselves and you can't get them in a mental ward, mind you, you know, or anything like that, what's the best way to do? Let's destroy their image. Nobody ever want to hire him. Nobody will ever want to his whole family won't talk to him.
Things like this. So, that's going through my head.
They were going to frame me for hurting somebody and use my DNA.
Okay. Basically, as crazy as that sounds, I think that's what it was. And the guy alluded to that on the street. He, you know, I knew the name of what it was going to be. He was mocking how the mother would act. This is out of this is, mind you, in the middle of Harvard Square on a sunny day, this man I never know approaches me and starts, "Michael, Michael, you hurt my baby." I mean, it's crazy, you know. And this guy wasn't, this wasn't a homeless guy. This was very well-dressed, you know. I found out he lived in two blocks over later. due to sabotage from their end, things like this and my own craziness and being in fear. I lost my housing. I was, you know, really like really on the streets in a way, you know, even though I didn't look it, you know, I I learned really quick how to like go into the gap and steal $500 of clothes if I needed to because I still had to look Harvard, you know, like I couldn't look all these things. And you know, again, going back to how it's really funny how Satan will allow you to get what you need in these moments to keep you during this uh I flew out of state. I had a friend that lived in Tennessee at the time. It's like 8:00 in the morning. I go to walk to get a cup of coffee and my buddy's still sleeping. I'm behind a subway. It's like 8:00 in the morning. I'm drinking coffee and somebody comes up and he goes, "I have a masters in education. I'm trying to make sense of all this demonic activity here. I'm going to write a story. And then he went over and picked up this big rock. And I thought that he would, you know, I'm like, is he he's either trying to hurt me or intimidate me? Now I know it was just intimidating me, you know, at 8 in the morning behind there. He would have told me all that other stuff if he was going to actually hurt me. And then I get back home. The guy's name in Tennessee was Randy. Said his name was Randy. I get back home, meet up with one of these people that night. No. And now, mind you, one of these people I meet up with, a couple of them, I'm not sometimes I'm not sure they are at this point. I'm not sure if it's all in my head. I'm not sure if they're really one of it sometimes. You know what I mean? It's complicated. And and honestly, I didn't care. You know, some days, you know, I'm like, I just I just need to distract myself. If this is where the parties at, I'll go. I don't care who's there, you know? And and so I went to this person's home and he goes, "Oh, how is Randy?" But it came to a point where I was like, "Okay, you know, I got a psyche vow during this.
I was smoking and partying every time, every chance I could, every chance I could get. Again, there were moments where, you know, there were a couple weeks I wouldn't things like that. But.
No, I was using I was using every day if I could. There was there was too much real stuff happening for it to just be schizophrenia or something like this, you know? And I'm like, you know, I I don't have the capacity right now to see clearly what is and what isn't part of this. I just need to know that whatever this is is actually real, you know. And I was completely honest. And they were like, you're, you know, you could experience these things and these heightened things and all that, but uh they're like, psychologically, you're fine.
Mhm.
And not even to mention that I'm, you know, I'm I'm affiliated with an institution that heavily vets their employees.
And so that alone was kind of crazy in itself. It would have been easier if I was just crazy or if it was just the drugs.
So you were kind of hoping that you were crazy?
In a way. And and you know, and and I had to sit with this and be like, "All right, you know what? if I am crazy and this is just, you know, an a side effect from all this, you know, can I deal with the shame of apologizing to these people for the way I've been acting, thinking that they're in this and things like that? Because then I'm thinking, well, maybe I don't want to feel ashamed and maybe I don't want to admit that maybe it's just me. You know what I mean?
Because that means I have to take responsibility for really hurting and saying things to people that, you know, they didn't deserve. It's it was such a complex complex thing. You know, the gang gangstalking was very real. It was the crux of it. I do want, you know, the crux of it. It is spiritual 100%. Math is definitely the gateway, a gateway. I know this. I know that this doesn't affect everybody on it, but I know it affects a lot.
It is unlike anything I've ever tried or done. You couple that with narcissistic abuse and sociopaths and people that are walking in darkness, you are going to be used. You know, the prince of the power of the air will want you. And uh I had to fake it out at the time cuz I was really terrified. And so I faked this maneuver where um I was going to go into a rehab. And so I I had that planned and I told people in my life purposely this is where I would be. I walk in and then somebody walks in right after me to intake that clearly looked like they were part of the cartel that like that they were and they walk in. I'm sitting there. I'm sober on this day, you know. I'm just sitting there like And so this person walks in and and man, it is like they're looking at you the whole time just like evil eye just staring at me the whole time. I you never met this person. And I'm like, "Okay, so now there's going to be somebody in here with me that's going to do this. What a way to make me even seem more crazy if I'm in a facility and there's somebody that's that's trying to make, you know, keep me in fear." So then I hopped on a bus. Nobody in my life knew. I packed a bag or I had my bag with me that I went there with with three outfits. I had like 60 bucks and I hopped on a bus and moved across the country.
And uh to place nobody knew just to get away from it. And during these times, there was a lot at work spiritually, you know, and I kept getting I kept getting emailed by a couple people in my life and they were trying to reel me in and get information. And for some reason, you know, the God really gave me the strength out of nowhere to cuz I was obsessed with the evil in this pe these people and how they can be demonic and how you can see demons and how they can sound like other people and they all know each other and and my mind was completely trapped in this, you know, and meth was the gateway, you know, it was absolutely the gateway. There are things that you see on that in people. And this is the thing now looking back. I was always spiritual as a poet, as a writer, but I never would have chose Christ. I never would have chose the Lord. I never would have become Christian ever. Ever. I never would have I had a profound experience with with Christ right after leaving. and just insanely beautiful dreams that later appeared to me in the Bible before you know I hadn't even read the Bible even with a master of theologies mind you I never read that and I had this profound moment of peace during it all like I just knew I was going to be okay I had nowhere to go I had it was between semesters this was in June so it was in the summer uh I had my life was completely destroyed due to my own fault and due to allowing myself to a pawn to people, you know, all based in this one sick world.
You know, and and I know uh, you know, like what Boston 2% said, what Shannon said, these things are very real, you know. I I've there are lots of things I saw in that world in terms of narcoatanic cults, narcoatanist blessing, dark magic, their batches, all this stuff. I met some of the biggest dealers there were um that were connected to the cartel, you know. So there there was a lot I saw that that it's just during this time I had to experience real pure evil because I think when you grow up in this world and you could be spiritual whatever you are uh but we're very desensitized to evil and wickedness we are extremely desensitized to it you know.
And to to a point where I think that the the children of God or whoever it is, you know, whatever we really have to be shown what true evil is and the complexities of that and how that presents itself through people and through not guarding your heart and through your heart really and you have to really see the presence of that.
To understand that the goodness if if that's real if all that darkness if that crazy stuff is real if that like person that I'm sitting across the room from I know they I know he's a murderer he's never been caught if that's real the discernment too you get through this experience is insane now you can beat somebody and you're like you You can see it. You can see it in their face. You can see if they have a demon. You can just see it and you're like, "Okay." And and so I think that's, you know, God allowed this to happen for me. All of it. I had to understand how real it was to understand how real he was.
Hey, if you're a parent in recovery, this might be for you. Rebuilding trust with a partner, a co-parent, or the people you love after the chaos of addiction can feel overwhelming, sometimes even impossible. You're not alone. Donna and I have lived it. And out of that experience, we built parenting in the storm. Work created for parents who are trying to rebuild connection without shame and model healthier relationships for the next generation. It started as retreat style workshops in communities across Saskatchewan, but very quickly demand has grown far beyond what we can offer in person. So depending on when you're hearing this, there may already be digital resources or tools available through the link in the show notes. And if there isn't any yet, I assure you they are coming soon. If any of this resonates, you're welcome to explore it at your own pace. No pressure, just support. Wellness News Choice for Healthy Living is a local resource that works to connect people to health and wellness related products, services, and expert advice from industry professionals locally, allowing us to connect and engage. Check out wellness.ca or skwwellnessub.ca today to learn more. If you want to support the channel, there are a few ways. By becoming a paid member right here on YouTube and get early access to new episodes. You can buy us a coffee or you can pick up some merch. Links to all that stuff is in the show notes below. And of course, always remember to give us a like, leave us a comment, and if you're new, a sub to the channel would mean the world to us because it all helps us keep getting louder.
And I ended up randomly being placed in a a Christian environment like not of my own doing.
When you moved, you ended up in a Christian environment?
Yep. Yep.
Just unadly or inadvertently?
Yeah. Inadvertently. Inadvertently.
So tell me about the exit then. Tell me about the separation. I mean, there's the physical separation, right? Like you moved. That's the physical. Let's talk about the spiritual separation. Like, what did that feel like?
Oh, man. [sighs] So, there were a couple people that I couldn't um Oh, and let me just add this real quick. Right before I left, uh, it it it got to its height because I started filing restraining orders because I knew people's names and I was like, "This is insane. I have enough proof." you know, I went in front of the judge and he's like, "You're not crazy." Like these, you know what I mean?
After I filed restraining orders, um, is when it got really terrifying. I'd be walking down the street and somebody would just like come up and like flip their knife open in front of my face. It was stuff like that. Like I was being warned. I was I was being warned. Within a month, you know, I find this strength of being able to completely not want to reach out and like keep playing that game, you know, cuz it was drama that you're also, you know, it's it's all about drama. And there were answers to questions and things that drove me crazy about this whole experience that I never could figure out. You know, like I understand that these people knew each other, but what was the plan? Like what, you know, and I understand the cartel, but why didn't they kill me or why didn't you know what? You know what I mean? Like there's stuff behind the scenes you don't really know.
Yeah. Your brain's trying to find an answer.
Yeah. You know, and you're trying to.
I do that now.
Yeah. Yeah. you know and especially you know so you're looking at things and so what h spiritually it came to a point where uh there were there were really profound profound just experiences right when I right when I was leaving and right when I arrived where I arrived just meeting meeting Christians and like go walking into a church for the first time and hearing my hearing how if you're a Christian or if you're a child of God you're going to be persecuted and targeted in this world and understanding what that meant and then getting the gospel call to read the Bible Because even at divinity school, see I was everything but a Christian. God always locked me out of it.
If our gospel be hid, it is hid to them that are lost, you know. So I was lost for these years. And God didn't even allow, you know, I was able to get a masters in theological studies from Harvard without ever having read the Bible.
I studied everything else but that in a lot of ways, not everything else, but so it's really funny that this darkness had to happen for me to open the pages of the Bible. When I read that and I saw so much of my own experience of the way wickedness was Proverbs, I felt like a dumb child. If I knew this is how wickedness operated in the world, I would have saved myself from nine months of gangstalking really.
And uh and it was such confirmation for me of the existence of the wickedness I just experienced it experienced that it could no I could no longer view it as just a text, just a written text. And I'm a poet, you know, I believe in divine texts, but it carried a whole new meaning at this point. I'm like, okay, this was God's work, you know, and um and and there were so many little moments of accepting that that this had all happened to get me to where I am. And now I'm put into service. You know, I had it came came with nothing. I have a home. I have a church. I'm I'm practicing preaching things like this. It's insane. And this this all happened in I came here in June of 2024.
Wow. So, not even a year.
A little over a year, like a year and a half.
Your your separation from drugs. Like, did you move and just stop?
It was so wicked. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. I mean, and and if if you have a voice that God wants to use for something, Satan's going to try every single thing he can to take it, you know, because I never would have imagined being in that scene in the depraved meth scene and the sex scene and all that that I'd end up across the country preaching the gospel, you know. I have a serpent tattoo a serpent skull tattooed on my throat. The devil tried to claim my voice for him a long time ago, you know, and so there are just epiphies and realizations. I'm coming into the the desire no the desire to use has not you know there are moments where the sin in my flesh misses the the party you know not the craziness not any of that but you know like the because Christianity walking with the Lord is peaceful you know and Satan wants to disrupt that you know and especially when your intuition's been hijacked and you're used to that drama and you're fearing for your life like David and Saul you know the first time I read the Psalms I couldn't believe it I'm like I know what this guy felt you know, and um just profound. I I would get these [clears throat] dreams of it of being back in that scene and I would and I I got had a dream that was very very vivid of being in the back of a car, like a crazy vivid dream. And I would and somebody shot me in the head. And I thought like I can't and I get chills saying that because I really feel like that's some of the evil that the Lord saved me from. Like I I think that that would have happened to me like given how vocal I was you know and you know um it's you know I wrote some of this stuff. I'm not trying to plug my book but I did write the book a book about some things and I did publish it you know because you don't have the fear that's more creative writing with it. Sure.
We'll put a link in the show notes.
Yeah.
Yeah. Um, it's called Vers versus I. And, uh, it's basically I'm a poet and a writer, so it's just it's a lot of poetry and stuff I've written at that time and then a couple essays about stalking and and narcissistic relationships. But and that whole scene took my voice, you know, and or attempted to. the one thing I didn't lose in all that and that, you know, is my voice and my work and and you know uh and now you know before my goal was always to just be a poetry or creative writing professor in a you know really fancy college and that was it. And now my life has become so much more. It feels like no now I don't even want that like you know like that's okay for work but I want to preach what the Lord's done. That's crazy because if if you told me two years ago if I heard myself say this even using the word Lord I would have laughed. I would have been like are you kidding me dude? You know what I mean? Nah, you know, I was a spiritualist and animist and, you know, metaphysics, you know, new age and uh I had some of those dreams where where you're really shown like how that fear can culminate and every time in a dream uh if if say like a pipe would present itself in a dream, you know, it would be I would get that feeling that deep pit in my psyche and my you know, I'd wake up with that like disgusting like you can't ever go back. But it was so it was so evil and and that drug specifically is so it scared me straight.
I mean really like it's it's so no never again never never ever again. I mean and there are things about the power of that specifically and you know and you see a lot of people getting hooked on things now with Adderall and all that and it makes you feel powerful. you look the best you've ever looked, you know, if you don't hit that.
To a point. I mean, to a point.
To a point, right? If you don't know, there's a tipping point there.
Tweak or street, right? There's a tipping point, but but it's funny like, you know, it just your body has a power. I never forget thinking this when I was on that is that your flesh has a power on that drug that it doesn't have when it's not on it.
You know? It has a power to it just has a strength before you get too, you know, sick. I mean, I'm talking like at it, you know, but for some people, no. I mean, I met people in that scene that looked like they, you know, were the most healthiest, attractive people you meet, and they should have been like like tweakers. For the truly demonic people, I think it's it's it gives them power in the flesh.
In a lot of ways. And then for other people, it affects your mind.
Yeah.
You know, and uh [clears throat] you know, it was a perfect storm. Like did you did you um find other people that had had your experiences like like peer support type vibes like like tell me about what life looks like now? I mean you just got clean and it's it's coming up on two years now. [clears throat]
Yeah. Yeah. And um.
So what Yeah. So how did you cope with like this this all this trauma that happens? I I don't know that that just goes away, right? So, like how did you start to process and heal?
The word?
Mhm.
I should be in a loony bin right now. I should be [laughter] for real for real. I I should be in a mental hospital. I should be with I should like I should be because those people were all too strong for me. Like I was I couldn't I couldn't withstand it.
Mhm.
God, the word like like really reading my experience back to me, getting my mind back in a way that's even sharper than it was before and having the gifts of discernment now that I didn't have before.
Mhm.
God, I mean, it's.
So, is there any is there any scripture? Is there any anything that stood out to you on your healing paths? What what part you started reading the Bible, you started learning about these things. Is there anything that stood out to you like scripture? anything like that that sort of helped you turn the corner to to wellness to to safety?
It's it's all it's it's it's not one specific thing. It's just the scaffolding and the continuing to grow stronger in it. There are so many. There's Ephesians 6:12 about how you deal with the powers and principalities of the world. You're not fighting against the flesh. You know what I mean? Things like this. Uh.
Reading those things after dealing with people knowing that I'm dealing with inner demons and not necessarily them, you know, was profound. Proverb David and Saul. I mean, uh, John 5:25, verily, verily, I say to you, now is, you know, the hour has come, and now is, uh, when the dead shall hear the voice of the son of God, and they that hear shall live. And they that hear shall live. You know, I shouldn't be alive today. And I have, it's like Job. I have more than I ever have had before in less than two years, you know, and it's like once I completely committed, it was like this is my life now because it's either, you know, he who where's that that verse about um he who seeks to save his life shall lose it, but he who loses his life for my sake shall save it. And I think about that, I can never go back to that old life ever because if I seek to save that old life, I'm going to lose it. like I had an out, you know, and if I seek to save that, if I miss it, if I look back like Lot's wife and I'm like, "Oh, I desire that scene again." No, no, no, no, no.
Because it's hell, you know, and and so it's it's coming with a it's reckoning. It's reckoning with this is my life now. You know, I I lost my life for for this sake, but now I gained it. You know what I mean? And there's a it's a it's a beautiful parable. And so you're basically just developing new habits and skills of looking at the world and people and protecting yourself. And I think addiction whatever that all comes from in my experience feeling incredibly lonely in the world from feeling incredibly lonely in some way from total depravity. You know if you look at the doctrines of grace you have total depravity before you have unconditional lecturing in the call.
And you know that's total depravity is you know it's feeling completely alone. And so one of the things and it's, you know, it's uh it's the strength that the Lord gives. I couldn't have done any of this on my own. I was dead back in Boston. You know, my ego was at play. My pride, I could, you know, like, stop screwing with me. Like, I'll get you. I'll write about it. I'll do this. And and and at the end, they were too strong for me. And because none of them had to move away and restart their lives.
You know, none of them, you know, because it it really is. It's the wicked versus the not. And there's a light. And I remember at some point during that I was even told it's because you're so spiritual, you know? It's like they mock it. This is the thing too about these kind of people, gangstalkers, too. Everybody that's gone through that, these people have zero spiritual inclinations. None. You know, like none. It's all flesh, worldly based. It's money, pride, sex, all of it. But there's not one spiritual inclination. A lot of them, their email addresses end in 666.
You know? I mean, there's just not a lot, two. two that I know. [laughter] But.
Well, that's a lot to you.
Yeah.
That's more people that I than I know that have that email address. So.
You know, it's just, you know, and the Luciferian tattoos and and just it's insane, you know, and and uh I I had to go through it. I wouldn't change anything about it at all. I would not change anything about it. It had to happen.
Mhm.
Um.
And it's just when you realize how how real evil is and how Satan really operates through things that we make a contract with by putting in our bodies when we're not, you know.
But I had to learn all this, you know. I didn't have God, so I didn't know to lean on that stuff. And he had to make me see what I was when he completely turned his face for me, like he did to Jesus on the cross and the sky turned dark. My life turned dark, you know. And that's how that went.
And uh, it's just it's glorious. And to be able to, and to be in a place too, this is what I'm learning. There's a lot of, I had an interview with um Jamie Tall. I don't know if you you met with. Yeah. Uh, when I was going through it, I saw one of her videos about the gangs talking and about how she was talking. And this was, you know, two years ago, year and a half ago, and that was a godsend. And that's why I wanted to do this this too with you because I know what it was like when I first saw that I wasn't the only one going through this, you know. And what I learned in that first reveal of what's in the world with this this specific demonic gangstalking about the world. It's all, you know, this isn't all schizophrenic people, you know. And if we are like me, Boston, Shannon, like Jamie, like everybody, you know, we'd have some residual effects from that, you know. I mean.
Anyway. Anyway. But uh in terms of like recovery things, I don't do anything here with that because I I think I just stay in the word and I, you know, want to preach and um I want to use those experiences I came, you know, that that that the Lord used for me with me to open people's eyes to how the devil can really work in complex ways relationally and how that presents itself in scripture. You know, because a lot of people that grew up in the Bible belt and stuff like this, they don't know any of that. If they've always been raised in Christ and this world is getting smaller and smaller and darker and darker and there's kids that are being raised that are off going to go off to college that are going to be that have been raised in a Christian bubble that aren't going to know what to look for that can destroy them. And as Christians, as any child of God or spiritual person, any inclination, there's a huge target on your back. The powers that be, the powers of darkness don't like that.
Mhm. And you know, it's it's become just such a hyper spiritual in a good way experience for me. Um, it made me grow up in a lot of ways. It made me guard my heart. Now I now I know my worth and I know I would never let somebody, you know what I mean? Like I look back at my old self like how could you allow yourself to be treated like this? Like you were such a people pleaser that you know you you had to allow yourself to to be a doormat and all this these things you know like in and growing up fatherless and things like this you know you never had the father and that's it's you know it's a beautiful experience to have to go through all that and then be like okay now I'm becoming a man now I'm getting to understand what the world is and how how I can see the world and what my place could be in it. Wild. It's insane. I never ever ever would have thought, you know, I never would have chose Christ. I never would have chose Christianity. It chose me and it God put me through the ringer, you know. And yeah, I just I hope that it's to be able to help at some point somebody that's going through something similar, you know, like why we do these talks, you know. And like I get it, you're not crazy. Like I'll tell you right now, like there are things about this experience you'll look back on and be like, "Yeah, that was crazy. That was the drug," you know. But everything else you're going through, I know it's real. I I I went through that, too. You're not alone.
I I stay far kind of far away from the physical reality. You know, my recovery scene's like online, you know what I mean? Like I get a lot out of that, but I don't want to be around it in person right now because it's one, I'm not called to do that, but two, uh, I'm very even just talking about it too much can provoke it, provoke like the darkness that that is, you know, to try to screw with you again. You know what I mean? It's almost like you're calling it back in a way if you're if you're talking about. So what I mean by that is I wouldn't want to talk about uh my darkest points in addiction and somebody else's too much because it would conjure up the energy from that time for me.
Mhm. So for me, I have to stay completely f completely focused on just the glory of God and what he's done for me and not focused on the pit, you know. And Satan using real people that are empty vessels to take to take you out and use your mind. And that's all a contract in the drug and the smoke of the drug. It's all it's very complex, you know.
You know, I just uh I think it's great that thank you for this platform. You know, I I think uh you know, there there were many moments where I had to ask myself if I was going to talk about this, you know, how that would present itself. And you know, Shay makes fools of us all. And I think whoever's going through this out there, um you will be okay. You're going through it for a reason cuz the people that are totally depraved that are in these scenes stay there. They don't go through this like you go through it. And uh you're not going to believe what people tell you. You're not going to believe you're a child of God. You're going to think it's foolish because you're in it. You're going to believe in energy weapons and all these other things and that's fine. Whatever your reality is. But your reality will likely change and this is always going to be for the greater good for you. So just stay strong. You're not alone, you know.
Jason, thanks so much for joining uh joining me today. Uh it's been a profound experience walking with you through this. Um if you wanna if you want to find Jason's book, look for the link in the show notes and and we'll cap it there. Thanks so much, my friend, and take good care.
Thank you so much. YouTube.
Hold up. If this hit home or made you think, help us get these stories out there. Smash that like button, drop a comment, and before you go, check out another episode. The more you engage, the more the algorithm shares these voices with the people who need to hear them. Big shout out to SEIU West, our [music] official equipment sponsor, improving the lives of working people and their families and leading the way to a [music] more just and humane society. Find their link in the show notes. Say, "This is Hard Knox Talks."