Transcription
A while ago, I watched a Tik Tok of a woman who was sharing how her abusive ex would often assume the worst of intentions, and how basically this was a very subtle abuse technique. And it got me thinking about how making negative assumptions, or really assumptions in general, harms our ability to interact healthfully with each other. Of course, if you're on the receiving end of this, if other people are making assumptions about you, that's pretty harmful. But I also want us to consider in this video that maybe we sometimes make assumptions about other people as well. So, that's what this video is going to be about. [Music]
So, right off the bat, I think one way that assumptions harm relationships is assuming the worst of intentions in other people. Going back to that Tik Tok that I was talking about, this can be a subtle abuse technique. Now, why do abusers do this? Why do they tend to assume the worst of intentions of other people? Well, it's usually a projection, like with most things related to abusers. Abusive people are obviously hurtful, by definition. That's what abuse does; it hurts people. But they don't accept that about themselves. So, instead, they project their hurtfulness onto other people. And it shows up in them assuming that other people have the most hurtful, nefarious intentions, even in situations where they don't.
But it's not just abusers either. We all do this to some extent when we're feeling particularly cynical or misanthropic. We tend to assume that people are doing things because of the worst intentions. So, for example, my husband and I currently drive a smart car, and it is very old, very slow. Even if there's like the slightest tilt of the hill, we automatically lose like 30 kmh. And sometimes when we'll be trying to pass around somebody, it starts getting a little bit hilly, and then suddenly, bam, we lose 30 km/h worth of speed. And I can tell the other drivers around us think we're for it; think we're just, you know, in the fast lane driving really slow because we are inconsiderate or something. Even when that's actually not the case. You know, the situation is that we were trying to quickly get into the fast lane and then back in the slow lane, but unfortunately the car just does not have enough power to move us out of that lane anymore, versus when we're driving like a rental car, when we're in a faster car. When I see somebody driving really slow in the fast lane, I find myself doing the same thing. I find myself assuming, "Wow, what an inconsiderate person. Why can't they move to the slow lane?" It's a form of attribution bias where we assume that other people have really negative intentions anytime they do something that inconveniences us. But when we do something that inconveniences other people, we can recognize, oh, that's not actually the case. There's more at play here than just assuming the worst of intentions.
And that's why it's really important to give people the benefit of the doubt and to generally be charitable with the assumptions we make about their intentions because it prevents unnecessary misunderstandings. If you're going into an interaction with someone and you assume that they have the worst of intentions, and they really don't, then you're going to set yourself up for a conflict that could have been avoided if you had instead approached it from the lens of like, "Hey, what are your intentions? Help me understand." Also, when we assume the worst of intentions about people, it automatically puts that person on the defensive. So, even if they didn't have ill intentions, now they might genuinely be angry, and they might want to get into a conflict with you. Giving others the benefit of the doubt also kind of allows you to treat others how you would want to be treated. Because again, if you were stuck in a really slow, smart car, wouldn't you want people to be a little bit charitable with you, to assume, okay, maybe this person's not trying to be an inconsiderate person; maybe there's something else at play here.
And lastly, I think it actually encourages people to have better intentions because treating someone like they are a bad person can sometimes turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. You know, kids, for instance, that are always told, "You're such a bad kid. You always do this and that wrong," they sometimes manifest that for themselves because they've been told it for so long, they start to internalize it. So, we have so much to gain from assuming positive intentions of people and clarifying if we're not sure what their intentions are. And if they actually have malicious intentions, you can clear that up by having an open conversation about it. You don't need to automatically assume that that's the case. That's something that you can discover through a process of exploration. On the other hand, if you just assume the worst of intentions, again, that's going to lead to conflict, to defensiveness. It might actually manifest that outcome. Whereas assuming their intentions are good and then finding out you were mistaken just brings you clarity.
The second way that I think assumptions are really hurting our relationships is so often we tend to slap an assumption onto what somebody else said. Let me give you some examples. Okay, so let's say there's somebody named Jacqueline, and Jacqueline says, "I saw this really ugly pitbull at the supermarket." It would be really easy for you to assume in that moment, "Jacqueline thinks pitbulls are ugly," or Jacqueline is saying that this dog was ugly because he's a pitbull. But that might not be what she's saying. Maybe Jacqueline is fine with pitbulls; she just thinks this particular one was ugly for whatever reason. Or maybe Jacqueline says, "I noticed you left your dirty dishes in the sink." You might hear that and slap on the assumption that Jacqueline thinks I'm a slob. Well, did she say that? No, she didn't say that. She just said, "I noticed you left your dirty dishes in the sink." You're slapping an assumption onto it. Or maybe Jacqueline looks over at you while you're eating, and you assume that it's because she's judging your food choices. Is that the case? You don't actually know that. You're slapping an assumption onto something she, in this case, didn't say. Or if Jacqueline says, "I love cats," you then assume that means she doesn't like dogs. That's not what she said.
So often, instead of actually hearing what someone has said to us, we attach assumptions to their words, and we run with that narrative instead. Obviously, I see this a lot online, and it's fascinating because it's like, dude, like the video's right there. Like you can literally replay what I said and see that that's not what I said. But when people are making these sorts of assumptions, usually it comes from a place of defensiveness. And usually it's not that they didn't hear the words; it's that they're not truly listening to what the other person's saying. And when this is done consciously, it can actually become a form of straw man fallacy where you're distorting someone's argument and trying to make it more extreme than what they actually said because it's easier to argue with that, with the caricature of what they said, than with, you know, what they actually said. So, a way healthier approach is to just truly listen to what people are saying and not read into their words and not attach assumptions to it. And if you think there's an ugly assumption there, then ask them. Clarify; you know, don't just run with the assumption that they never expressed, say like, "Oh, do you not like pitbulls? Oh, are you more of a cat person than a dog person?" Ask. It will spare you a lifetime of conflict.
Another way that assumptions hurt our relationships is that we tend to assume that when we disagree with someone, it's because they're incapable of empathizing with us. And the inverse is also true. When we agree with someone, we tend to assume it's because they have the same exact experience as us. Let me explain with an example. When I make videos on arranged parents, for example, I get a lot of people who assume that I myself am no contact with my parents. I guess because I show I'm able to empathize with people who are in that position. And so then what happens is people who disagree with me, people who are more aligned with the arranged parents, typically say, "Oh, this lady clearly has a bias towards the children. This lady is clearly an arranged child herself." So they assume because I disagree with them, I must have a vastly different experience than them. But then I also see the inverse where people who agree with me assume that I have the same experience as them and assume, okay, this person has clearly been through the same thing as me because she gets it. When actually none of those things are true. I don't need to be estranged from my own parents to deeply empathize with people who are. That's the beauty of empathy; you can put yourself in someone else's shoes even if you have a different experience.
Let me give you another example. Sometimes when I say something, I will get comments from someone who says, "I'm neurodivergent, and you clearly don't know what it's like because whatever you're suggesting in this video, it doesn't work for people like me." But other times, I'll get comments from people saying, "I'm neurodivergent, and I relate to what you said." And they take that to mean, "Oh, you must be neurodivergent, too." You know, I've literally had people diagnose me as autistic in my comment section, which, like, I had no idea that it was so simple to diagnose someone with autism spectrum disorder. Why did I ever go to school for 10 years for this, and still I feel like I'm not fully equipped to diagnose autism because it was never my niche. It's so funny, you know, when we agree with someone, we tend to assume it's because they share the same exact experiences as us. And when we disagree with someone, we tend to assume it's because they're incapable of putting themselves in our shoes. And the underlying assumption there is that people aren't capable of empathizing with someone who's different from them. 'Cause if this person could truly empathize with us, then they would of course agree with us, right? There's no possible way that they could possibly empathize with us unless they share the same exact views as us. If they reached a different conclusion, it must be because they just don't get it.
Look, the cold hard truth is that sometimes people just hold different perspectives, not because they don't understand yours. They might actually have the same experiences as you and still disagree with you. Not because they can't empathize with you. They might have had different experiences, and they're able to empathize with you, but they might still disagree with you on this particular thing. 'Cause again, you can empathize with someone without necessarily agreeing with them.
And then lastly, I think this one's kind of obvious, but assumptions can be harmful in relationships. Not even necessarily when it's like a negative assumption that we have about someone, but just like when we assume something about another person just based on a certain attribute that they hold. For example, if someone is from a particular state, they must have voted in a particular way. Or if somebody holds a certain identity, then they must hold a particular view. Or one time I remember I was telling a story about how I was in a car with somebody who was drinking, not at the wheel but like in the passenger seat. And I was really anxious about it. And then we did end up getting pulled over. And I was telling the story to somebody, and this person said, "Oh yeah, that story would have gone down really differently if that person weren't white." My husband and I kind of looked at each other and we were like, "Um, this person is not white. This person is actually African." Basically, like any form of stereotyping, assuming anything about people based on superficial identities they hold. Assuming that because I'm white that I was in a car with a white person. We all have these heuristics, these mental shortcuts, these boxes that we put people into to kind of make it easier on us cognitively, but we have to become aware of them because they prevent us from truly being able to know people. And if we truly want to be in intimate, healthy relationships with people, we can't just make assumptions about them based on superficial attributes about them. We have to actually ask. We have to actually get to know them.
So, there you have it. There are some of the ways that assumptions harm relationships. And I feel like I'm missing some. So, if you think I am, pop those down in the comments. I'd be really curious to read those. I hope you have a nice rest of your day, and I'll see you soon. [Music]