Transcription
25% of the population have a relationship pattern that's easily mistaken for narcissism. It's called an avoidant attachment style. And understanding this can help you to see your partner in a whole new light, prevent conflict, and maybe even save your relationship.
In this video, I'm going to delve into why narcissism and avoidant attachment can be so easily confused, and the three key things I look for as a clinical psychologist to tell them apart. So let's start by why they can seem so similar.
People with an avoidant attachment style frequently pull away just when things seem to be going really well. At first, everything seems great. You have a deepening connection, a growing sense of intimacy, and then boom, they're gone. They're cold, they're distant, maybe even moody. And the more you try to connect with them, the more they seem to push you away. And maybe you start to wonder, were those early experiences when it felt so good lovebombing? Are they devaluing me? Am I being discarded? Classic narcissist moves, right? Well, maybe not.
People with an avoidant attachment style have often experienced a great deal of loss and disappointment in their closest relationships. Many have taken on adult responsibilities far too young, sometimes providing practical and emotional support to adults in their lives well before they were ready to take on that kind of responsibility. The result? They've had to work hard to protect their autonomy, to gain their independence and their freedom. And too much closeness can start to feel suffocating.
Imagine someone whose only experience of swimming with other people is that other people are not very good swimmers. And so they hang on to them in order to save themselves, but practically drown them in the process. What do they do? Well, they learn to swim alone. They become strong. They become independent, and they stay away from those other people who might start to drag them under water. That's what it's like for someone with an avoidant attachment style. They like a safe degree of emotional distance. Otherwise, they start to feel like they're being suffocated.
When you get close to someone who has an avoidant attachment style, it can feel to them like they're being pulled underwater again. It's not that you've done anything wrong. It's just that closeness feels dangerous, and so they withdraw, not with the intention to hurt you or to punish you, but to keep themselves safe and to survive.
And this leads me on to the first key difference between people with a narcissistic style and people with an avoidant attachment: their expectations of relationships. Narcissistic partners typically enter new relationships with sky-high expectations, not just of you as their partner, but of love itself. Remember that one of the diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder is having fantasies of ideal love. This means that the early stages of a relationship with a narcissistic person tend to feel incredible. The intimacy is intense. The chemistry is off the charts. You might both feel like you have found a rare, once-in-a-lifetime connection where you feel fully seen and even adored, until reality sets in, and it turns out that you and the relationship are ordinary. You are just an ordinary, flawed human being, and that pedestal that they had you on crumbles very quickly. Now they start to devalue you because if you are not extraordinary, it means they are not extraordinary. And for someone whose self-esteem is that fragile, that feels unbearable. The shift from idealization and adoration to total disappointment happens fast, and it can feel brutal.
But someone with an avoidant attachment style has a very different approach. They typically enter relationships with very low expectations, not only of you as their partner, but of relationships themselves. And it's not that they don't think you're impressive. It's just that they always expect disappointment. So they've learned to keep their hopes low and their needs even smaller. They're not looking for a fantasy ideal love like a narcissistic partner. They're looking for safety. And for them, safety means distance. "I take care of me, you take care of you." They'll often say they're looking for a partner who's strong, low-maintenance, and who can stand on their own two feet. It sounds like independence, and it is, but it's also a defense. It's a way of saying, "Don't get too close. Don't have too many needs, because I don't know how to hold that."
So where a narcissistic partner probably throws themselves into a new relationship with big visions, big dreams, big demands, and even bigger promises, only to turn stone cold when you inevitably disappoint them, a more avoidant partner never throws themselves in in the first place. They hold back emotionally, energetically, never allowing themselves to get their hopes up, so they never have to face that disappointment.
And this leads us on to the second key difference between narcissistic and avoidant partners: their self-esteem. Narcissistic partners can come across as very confident, often unshakably so. But this is not the reality. Underneath that bravado and arrogance usually lies a very fragile sense of self-esteem that can swing wildly from "I'm amazing" to "I am nothing" in a heartbeat. So even small relationship ruptures, like you disagreeing with them, you having any kind of conflict, you not being your usual energetic self, any minor disappointment becomes a major threat to their self-esteem, because deep down, their sense of self and their self-esteem is dependent on how others see them, and specifically on how you see them. So they need constant praise, validation, and admiration from you. And if they don't get it, the reaction can be extreme.
This is very different from the self-esteem patterns of more avoidant partners. In some areas, avoidant people tend to have pretty good self-esteem. They see themselves as capable, competent, and self-reliant. And where they do have quiet feelings of unworthiness and a lack of confidence at getting close and intimate with people, they rarely let it show. The key difference is that they don't rely on you to mirror their greatness. They don't need your validation or your praise in order to feel okay. When they do have moments of insecurity or anxiety, they're unlikely to turn to you for validation or reassurance. Instead, they retreat into independence and self-sufficiency.
Where a narcissistic partner regulates their self-esteem through getting validation, praise, and admiration, a more avoidant partner regulates themselves through independence. They don't need to feel adored or admired. They need to feel safe. And that means keeping a safe distance.
And this is the heartbreaking paradox of an avoidant attachment style. The more they love you, the closer they get to you, the more special you become, the stronger their instinct to pull away. To the person on the receiving end, it feels like rejection and abandonment. But to the avoidant partner, it's a kind of panic. They're feeling, "If you get too close, I'm going to lose myself."
This is why people with an avoidant attachment style can often form good connections and friendships with people who don't get too close. There's enough safe emotional distance in a friendship that an avoidantly attached person is able to relax enough to connect. But in romantic relationships, where the vulnerability and the intimacy are higher, the protective reflexes intensify. And for their partner, this means they're very inconsistent. They can be warm one minute, cold and withdrawn the next, and it can feel unbearable. You may end up feeling unwanted and unloved, and that you're trying to earn a closeness that forever just seems to slip through your fingers. And that pain and confusion inevitably tends to lead to conflict in relationships.
And this leads us onto the third key difference between avoidant and narcissistic partners: conflict. Both narcissistic and avoidant partners tend to generate a lot of it, but the emotional tone and underlying motivations are very different. Let's start with the narcissistic partners. For them, even the smallest disagreement feels like a full-on personal attack. Why? Because their self-esteem is so incredibly fragile. This makes them highly sensitive to even the most minor of criticisms or complaints. Validation, praise, and admiration are like oxygen for a narcissistic partner. And without them, they spiral into a pit of shame, unworthiness, and total despair. They start to feel like they are nothing. They are nobody. And so there's a drive to regain and reestablish their self-esteem.
When any conflict happens, they find it very difficult to stick to the issue at hand. Instead, their mission is to defend their self-worth at all costs. The mindset becomes, "I have to be right, and you have to be in the wrong, because if you're not in the wrong, then I am worthless. I am nothing." They're in a fight for their self-esteem and their self-worth. Instead of owning any part in any conflict, they're far more likely to shift the blame onto you and to make everything your fault. They may minimize your feelings. They may twist reality, gaslighting you, and tell a story that is completely different from the reality in order to preserve their self-image.
Conflict with a narcissistic partner tends to be emotionally intense, sometimes icy, sometimes explosive, but always focused on them. You might be met with dramatic, angry outbursts, condescending comments. The silent treatment is rarely about needing space or distance. It's much more likely to be a test. A test to see if you will come running to them to apologize, to make up, to get their approval, because that restores their self-esteem. It's proof of their status and their importance in your life.
When you express your pain or your feelings about the relationship, they're very likely to become dismissive and to minimize them. And this is also about maintaining their fragile self-esteem. When you express that you're hurt or disappointed in any way, that becomes a threat to them. It implies that they have somehow fallen short. Your pain suggests that they are not the super partner of their narcissistic fantasy, and therefore, it has to be erased. Otherwise, the self-image that they work so hard to maintain comes crumbling down to nothing. So they downplay, deflect, and distort, not always with malice, but often with cold precision. In conflict, their reaction isn't, "I'm hurt, and I want to reconnect." It's, "I'm worthless, and I have to win. I have to make you wrong so I don't spiral into a deep shame and sense of utter worthlessness."
That's why even the most gentle feedback can trigger an extreme reaction. Because underneath all of that self-importance lies a very fragile, terrified core that truly believes, "If I am not admired, if I am not adored, I am nothing and I am no one." And you end up walking on eggshells, never sure what's going to trigger the next big reaction. And when their self-esteem is on the line, almost anything can. For a narcissistic partner, conflict is a fight for survival, and they will stop at nothing to protect themselves from shame and humiliation.
Contrast this with the more avoidant partner. They don't tend to live in such emotional chaos. They want distance and space, not conflict. Conflict feels threatening to them because it involves emotional closeness and intimacy. It usually involves you telling them how they feel and asking for their support, which is overwhelming and suffocating. So they withdraw. It isn't a power play. And their silence is not a test. They're not waiting for you to come to prove to them how important they are to you. They actually do want their space. They want distance.
When they're in this state and you reach out to them, even lovingly and gently, it doesn't reassure them, it overwhelms them. They're not waiting for you to prove your devotion. They want space to be able to breathe. Both narcissistic and avoidant partners may downplay or minimize your feelings. But for avoidant partners, this isn't about protecting their self-esteem. It's because your feelings feel overwhelming to them. It feels like you're asking them for something and suffocating them. Everything within them is overwhelmed and saying, "This is too much. I can't do this. Get this away."
This is another difference between narcissistic and avoidant partners. A narcissistic partner will tend to think their feelings about a particular situation are very important and will want to share them with you and let you know why they're right and you're wrong. An avoidant partner will tend to minimize not only your feelings but their own feelings. They will tend to suppress those, because sharing them with you, expressing them, that feels too vulnerable and too intimate, and that's the very thing they're afraid of. So a lot of the time, an avoidant partner will tend to be pretty quiet and pretty withdrawn.
Sometimes an avoidant partner will explode, but it tends to come after a period of suppression and when they're just in a state of overload and everything erupts. And another thing that can trigger their eruption is you getting too close. When they don't feel safe and they want to withdraw. And this is the most painful thing: when you're in a state of conflict, it's completely natural to want to reach out to your partner to say, "I'm hurt. I need you." And to say to them, "I see you're hurting. I want to be here for you." But those beautiful attempts to repair conflict can actually increase their overwhelm and their panic. The more you ask for closeness, the more they retreat. And it's not that they don't care, it's just that they haven't learned to feel safe and close at the same time.
So how can knowing these differences help you in your relationship? A major problem arises when you interpret your partner's withdrawal as them not caring at all. This misunderstanding can trigger a lot of heartbreak, a lot of anxiety, a lot of anger, and even accusations. You might start to show more emotion, get more upset, ask for more reassurance, get angry, accuse your partner of being a narcissist, and all of this just pushes an avoidant partner deeper into overwhelm and withdrawal. If you keep pursuing and they keep withdrawing, eventually the tension explodes and they snap, and you think, "See? I knew you were a narcissist."
What if you could understand that their withdrawal isn't because they don't care about you, but may actually be because they do care about you? They've started to care about you enough to feel responsible. And it's that sense of care and responsibility that feels overwhelming and suffocating, and like they're being pulled underwater. You're close enough to scare them, and their impulse is to pull back. It's not to hurt you. It's to survive the intensity. If you understood that, how would it affect the way you feel about yourself? How would it affect the way you feel about your partner?
Now, don't get me wrong. I am not justifying avoidant behavior. This is incredibly painful and difficult to be on the receiving end of. And people with an avoidant attachment style have work to do if they're going to enjoy fulfilling relationships and treat their partners well. But we are all human. Both you and your partner are going to bring some stuff into your relationship. We all need compassion, patience, and acceptance from our partners. And in that kind of mutual, reciprocal relationship, the more you can understand your partner's reactions and motivations, the more power you will have to change the relationship dynamic.
So when your avoidant partner starts to feel more distant, you understand that they're overwhelmed. You don't have to panic. You don't have to seek reassurance, and you don't have to let anger take over. Instead, you'll be able to stay grounded, understand them, and respond in ways that create space. Space for you to feel safe, and space for them to stay and connect with you.
And if watching this video has made you think that maybe your partner could have an avoidant attachment style, and you want to better understand them and have some practical strategies that you can implement that makes it feel safer for you and for them to stay and to connect with each other, watch this video right.