Transcription
If you keep telling yourself, "Once I'll be successful, I will finally love myself," I need you to sit down and watch this video. Because you cannot success your way into loving yourself. If you don't love yourself now, you'll just reach the goal and immediately move the goalpost. I know this because that used to be me.
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Hello my loves and welcome back to my channel. I hope that you're all doing amazing. And if you're seeing me for the first time, hi, I'm Nessa. Here we talk about self-improvement, psychology, wellness, neuroscience, everything. Everything that is going to bring you closer to being a better version of yourself, somebody who is happier, more confident, more successful. And today's topic is self-love.
I have been on a self-improvement journey for quite a while and I have learned plenty of things on this journey from discipline, habit stacking, neuroscience, psychology. But the most important thing that I have learned was self-love. If it weren't for self-love, I would not have everything that I have today. All of the things that I have managed to achieve, all of my success that I had till today was thanks to self-love. It made me happier. It made me more consistent and it made me more confident and even attractive.
Because what you guys don't understand is that success is what is going to come from that self-love. And it does not work the other way around. First, you need that self-love because all the success, all the happiness, all the good things that you want in life, that is going to grow from that self-love. And by the end of this video, you will never doubt yourself again. And it won't be because you'll be perfect because none of us are perfect, but all of us are perfect at the same time. But the point here is loving yourself even if you're not perfect. So today we're going to be talking about the five main habits plus some actionable homework that you can start doing today.
So quickly, what is self-love? Self-love isn't about being obsessed with yourself in like a narcissistic way. Self-love is about being obsessed with your well-being, with your happiness. It's where you become the center of your own universe. Because why the hell shouldn't you be? Who else should be the center of your universe other than you? Self love is what shows up when you're not doing the best, when life isn't going the best. And again, you cannot bully yourself into being happy. You cannot bully yourself into success, into happiness, into confidence. And I don't care if people on the internet are telling you otherwise because that is simply not the truth. And maybe you might bully yourself into achieving some goals, but it's never going to make you happy. Self-love is treating yourself with compassion and support instead of attacking yourself.
So, let's move on to building that self-love. Habit number one is upgrading your inner talk. Now, I know, I know, I know this is the first thing you're going to see once you research self-love, and it is the way you talk to yourself and your mindset. We need to go in deeper. Think about it this way. Would you talk the exact same way as you do to yourself to the people around you? Would you tell your mom those words? Would you call your friends those words? Would you treat your partner that same way that you treat yourself? You would not. And you don't have a motivation problem. You have an inner bully in yourself. And that bully is you. So you need to actively work on the way you talk to yourself and the way you think about yourself. Start building self-compassion. Self-compassion is three parts. Mindfulness, noticing how you're feeling and acknowledging that. Humanity. You're not broken. You're just human. You make mistakes and that is okay. and self-kindness, which is your supportive part. But when you catch self-hating yourself, self-hating yourself, when you catch yourself, oh my god, when you catch yourself hating on you, I don't want you to start forcing positivity. I want you to do this instead. You're going to name it. I'm having these doubts about myself that I am not good enough. This is such a big change. You can say that you're feeling that way. A feeling and a fact is not the same thing. You can have the feeling, you can feel like that, but that does not mean that you are like that, that you are not good enough and you need to normalize it. It's okay. Everyone doubts themselves sometimes. It is normal. It is human. I am not a robot. And you're going to resolve it. What is something that I can do right now that is going to help me eliminate the self-doubt? This could be looking at your portfolio of proof, which I'm going to talk about later in this video. This could be talking to a friend, calling your mom. This could be doing one thing that you love. A simple ritual like doing my skincare always makes me feel better, especially when I use my Forio stuff. One thing I've genuinely been using lately is the Fio Bear. It's a small microcurrent device you glide over your face with a serum. Super quick and honestly feels like a little workout for your face. It's gifted, not sponsored, but I do have a 30% code. I'll put it on the screen and in the description. It combines microcurrent with Forio's T-Sonic Massage. It's amazing for firming the skin and lymphatic drainage. And for me, it has replaced my gouacha because it's faster and feels more consistent.
Now, let's get back to the habits because self- loveve is built in these tiny rituals you actually stick to. Because the whole point of self- loveve is loving yourself even when you are not 100% who you want to be. Then you need to start signalizing to yourself that you are safe with yourself, that you are your own best friend. And you need to stop talking to yourself like you are the enemy.
Habit number two is honoring your individuality. You need to stop abandoning who you are. And I know this way too well because selflove starts collapsing when you are not who you truly want to be. When you are living a life that isn't yours. So think about it. Am I living a fulfilling life? Is there something that I want to be doing, but I'm not doing it? Is there something that screams at me, but I'm ignoring it? Is it a calling? Is it a hobby? Is it a career? Is it a version of you that you're suppressing because you're scared what others around might think of you? And again, I know this way too well because I have never picked a niche. There has always been so many things that I was doing. It was biology. It was art. It was music. It was content creation. It was so many things that I had interests in and things that I wanted to build. And [snorts] I always felt like I just didn't fit in. Like there was one thing that I had to pick. So I did. I went, "Okay, I'm going to pick the safest path, which was school and biology." And don't get me wrong, I love biology. I love studying but I was very unhappy because I am somebody who wants to be doing other things as well. I have other dreams, other goals that I kept suppressing because what am I other thing? Who who might think what? Who might judge me? Who might laugh at me? One thing, one hobby, goal was YouTube. The other part is music. The other part is doing something creative. There's so many things and I am just now learning that I was hating on myself or I wasn't I didn't accept myself because I was not who I wanted to be. I was not allowing myself to be who I wanted to be. And of course, how are you supposed to love yourself when you are not yourself? So, think about it. What makes you you? What is something that you've been pretending you don't care about, but you truly do? What is the one thing you would do if nobody around could judge you? And then you're going to pick one micro action, whether it is filming your first video, signing up for a class, sending that email, or practicing that skill for 20 minutes. Because self- loveve is choosing your own life over everybody else's expectation. For me, right now, it's music. It is something that I'm inviting back into my life because it is something that I gave up a few years ago because I was too scared and too shy. But I am now finally getting back to it. And for me that is looking into and actually creating a wish list on the items that I want to buy for music production. It is taking classes on music production.
Habit number three. This one is going to be a bit uncomfortable, but you need to stop neglecting your negative emotions. Did you ever sit down with a friend or a parent or a sibling and they wanted to tell you, "Listen, I have this really negative emotion and I need to let it out." And you told them, "No, no, no. Negative emotions are bad. Do not talk about it and shut it away." No, you let your friends vent. You let your parents tell you what makes them sad or angry. You, [snorts] as I said, you let your friends vent to you and then you talk with them about it and then you come up with a solution. Why are you not doing that same thing with yourself? If you're sad, angry, or even jealous, your job isn't to judge yourself for it. It is to listen to yourself because those emotions, they are data. And as I said, you would not judge a friend or a family member for having some negative emotions. Then why are you suppressing your own? If you're jealous of somebody, that means that that person is doing something that you want to do, that you want to have. Listen to it. You know, I'm not saying act upon it, but listen to it. Talk to yourself like you would talk to a friend. Bring up solutions. Brainstorm how can you fix it? So, whenever you feel a negative emotion, you're going to name that emotion and you're going to ask yourself, "What do I need right now? Is it comfort? Is it clarity? Is it action? Is it rest? And of course, journaling helps here a lot. But you need to be very specific. Expressive writing research shows that writing about these stressful or emotional situations can really impact the outcome. And if you're like me, journaling was really scary for me for at the beginning because it kind of felt weird. But you can just start out simply. I am feeling like this this this is coming from that that that this is what happened. This is what I need right now. But one of my New Year's resolution is to be more active on Substack because I love writing. So I will be sharing all the journal prompts from each video on my Substack. So check it down below.
Habit number four is your portfolio of proof. It's selfrust equals self-care and that equals confidence. And self-rust comes from the evidence. I need you to understand something very important. When you promise yourself something, no matter how big or how small it is, whether or not you break it plays a huge impact on how you trust yourself and how you love yourself. Because if you break if you keep breaking the promises again and again that tells yourself, "Oh, I cannot rely on myself. I am not trustworthy." Also, there's solid work in psychology showing that reflecting on core values can protect your sense of self when you're under stress or a threat. So, you're going to whip up your notes in your phone and you're going to write down this is all of the things I have managed to do. And it doesn't have to be anything big. It could be things that you survived, things you worked through, things you've managed to accept. It can be moments where you were proud of yourself or your character because you, for example, somebody treated you bad and instead of wishing them hell and, you know, getting revenge and being petty and mean, you rose above it like a mature adult human. Did you keep a promise to somebody close, something that meant a lot to them? That is your portfolio of proof. This doesn't have to be, oh, I made a million dollars or I don't know. This could be th this should be things about your core values and who you are. Let's be honest, we forget about the things that we achieve. We we often forget about what a good person we are. And you need to keep keep reminding yourself that you are somebody who is amazing.
And habit number five is get offline and get some boundaries. You need to start protecting your attention and your peace because, and I think I say this in every single video, but I cannot remember the last time I got off doom scrolling or got off the internet and I felt really good about myself. I felt like I felt loving towards myself because whether you like it or not, your brain cannot help it to start comparing yourself to the people on the internet if that's what you're feeding it all the time every single day. Of course, I'm not saying I like Tik Tok. I scroll Tik Tok, but I make sure that the accounts I'm following are inspiring and it's in healthy doses. Cuz that self-love, it dies in constant noise. And your nervous system cannot feel safe when you're constantly overstimulated. When you're comparing and available to every single person on the internet 24/7 and there's so many studies showing that reducing screen time and reducing social media has such a huge impact on our mental health. So, start creating offline windows. This could be 30 minutes before bed. This could be a whole Sunday. I recently saw this girl on Tik Tok who was talking about the fact that she now decided that every Sunday is her no scrolling day. It is her off social media day. So, I don't think I need to talk anymore about phones, but we do have to talk about boundaries. Being nice and being a people pleaser does not make you a good person. It makes you exhausted. You need to start telling more people no. And you need to start being way more selfish with your time and with your energy and with your attention. And this is not about being selfish like in a mean way where you don't want to share with anybody and you're just greedy. No. I'm going to ask you something. Have you ever met a nice person? like a genuinely nice person who had a really good heart, who was a good person, who had poor boundaries. I don't think so. It's always the people who are so upset with themselves that they might seem really nice and they don't mean to do harm, but if they don't have self-love within them, it's eventually going to spread on everybody around them. And I know this is harsh because we can be talking about family members, we can be talking about siblings, we can be talking about really close friends and sometimes that is the harsh truth. The people, they might be good people, but if they don't love themselves, it's going to spread around on the other people. That's why you need to be selfish. And you need to be selfish enough that you love yourself so much that it does it makes the other people around you feel good because I've done people pleasing. I've put other people ahead of me. I did everything I could for other people and I put myself last. And it not only made me miserable but at the end of the day it made the people around me miserable because one thing is that I resented them deep deep deep deep in my soul. Another thing is was another thing was that my cup was so empty that I literally had nothing else to give. I didn't I was a bad daughter. I was a bad girlfriend and I was bad friend. Not like super super bad. I wasn't rude. I wasn't mean. But it took me such a long time to realize that saying no, putting the boundaries and missing out sometimes means that I can be a better friend. I can be a better daughter and I can be a better girlfriend and a better person overall because you need to fill your own cup first. And of course, you also need to set boundaries with yourself.
And now to the actionable steps, the homework chapter for 7 days. is I want you to pick one promise that you're going to keep to yourself every single day. The goal here is not for it to be something huge. It should be something small, something that you can actually keep. And that way you can build that self-rust. Whether it is 30 minutes in the morning without your phone, whether it is maybe a 10-minute daily walk, whether it is you promise yourself to take care of your skin every single day or focusing on breakfast. It could it doesn't have to be anything big. You're going to journal for those seven days. Now, think big, 2 minutes a day. You're going to say one thing that you are proud of, one way that you felt, and something to manifest for tomorrow. Every single Sunday, I want you to write down your portfolio of proof. Three wins from the past week. This could be again how you made somebody else feel, how you made yourself feel, what you achieved, the promises that you kept. one lesson that you have learned in the past week, whether it was a mistake, whether it was something that you have learned and be grateful for it. Accept it if you made mistakes and move on. Learn from it. And the last thing is a promise for the next week. And four, pick one boundary that you're going to implement starting today. Whether it is saying no, whether it is not engaging in draining conversation perhaps in politics because we all have somebody around us in our family that we just cannot have a human conversation about politics. That is something for me I I just can't because it's something that I'm passionate about. it is something that you know maybe the other person is passionate about and if I know that there is no way around there is no way we can debate and we can talk actually like normal human beings and it's just going to lead to a fight. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm setting up that boundary that I'm just going to say listen I would love to talk about this to you but today I just want to focus on something else and I refocus. Or you could just set time blockers. I love the app refocus. You can unfollow, block, mute people online. And you can do a little self-love menu. Little small tips and habits that you can do every single day. Again, something small. Reading, journaling, doing your skin care, doing a small workout, or treating yourself with a nice treat or doing a hard task that you've been putting off for so long.
Because one last thing, self- loveve does not always feel nice. Sometimes self- loveve is something that is hard, something that is uncomfortable, something that you've been putting off. Whether it is hard conversations with people, your friends, your family, your partner, whether it is assignments, whether it is facing some problems that you've been, you know, hiding away from. For me, it is something that I've been putting off for a very long time. And that is my health. And my life kind of changed recently because I was finally diagnosed with endometriosis. like actually diagnosed, not like, oh, you might have this, that, that, but actually a diagnosis, which I've been dreading going to the doctor for a really long time because I was just so used to doctors telling me, "Oh, we don't see anything. You're healthy. They've been telling me this for like six, seven years." And I kept putting off going to the doctor because, oh, I'm going to be so embarrassed if they tell me they don't see anything because they're going to think that I'm crazy and that all the pain is in my head. I was like, no, you need you are in pain. You are going to the doctor and if they don't find anything, they're going to look in deeper and they're going to figure out why you're in pain because you're not going to let doctors walk all over you. And I'm not saying all doctors love the doctors. Thank God for the doctors, but some doctors, they just don't really they're not really I don't know how to say it gently. They just don't give a [ __ ] sometimes. So, yeah, that was one act of service to myself that was uncomfortable. It wasn't pretty. It wasn't aesthetic. It wasn't romanticizing my life aesthetic, but it was something that needed to be done, and it was something where I had to step up to take care of myself.
But yeah, I think I could talk about self- loveve for hours and hours on end and I might even let out a part two. I tried to keep the habits and the topics in this video as concise as possible and also something that I haven't seen in other creators. Anyways, that is all for today. I really hope that you enjoyed this video and I will see you in the next one. And if you made it till here, comment a pink heart emoji with the little stars and I will see you in the next one. And you can also check out my social media links and the substack and also the forio discount code. I love you guys so much. Bye.