Transcription
Hey, good to have you here on Mental Groove. Today we've got a Kevin Samuels clip that I think is going to get some honest reactions out of all of us, and I'm here for it. If you're into conversations that actually make you think, you're in the right place. Before we get started, hit that like button, subscribe if you're new, and let's check it out together.
[Music]
>> I wasn't expecting you to select me.
>> Hello. Hello. How are you?
>> I'm well. How old are you?
>> How old am I?
>> 47.
>> Uh, you need to get somewhere with the lights in the front of you.
>> Okay.
>> Okay.
>> All right. So, you have a question, or do you want, or you, cuz the topic is, it is it time to expand options?
>> I would say definitely yes.
>> Okay. Yes, it is. I think for me it is. Um, I know for the past maybe five,
>> you think it's time for you to expand your options?
>> Yes.
>> To non-black men?
>> Of course.
>> Do you have any children?
>> One.
>> How old?
>> She's 21.
>> How tall are you?
>> 5'7.
>> Dress size?
>> Uh, I think I'm a 10.
>> How much did you weigh the last time you weighed yourself?
>> 187.
>> Are you serious?
>> What option do you have at half-und almost 200 lb?
>> Uh, it's all in the right places. Um, I'm solid. I used to be a track runner. So, a lot.
>> What options do you have to expand at half 100 and almost 200 pounds?
>> Oh my gosh. So, what options? And that's what I'm trying to figure out. Um,
>> to be honest with you, um,
>> what what women who are almost 50 years old have a lot of options.
>> We don't have a lot of options.
>> So why do you think you can expand them outside of your race?
>> Well, because lately I've only been I've only I've isolated myself only to my race. I've never really dated my
>> You haven't You haven't isolated yourself. Those are your only choices. Um, I would probably say yes and no.
>> So, non-black men of value approach you?
>> I would say I I would say yes.
>> When was the last time a non-black man approached you in public with the intention of meeting you and taking you out on a romantic evening?
>> I would probably say uh probably a year ago. And where'd you go
>> at that time? I was not interested in dating.
>> No, no, no, no, no. That's [ __ ].
>> I did. Okay. That's [ __ ]. That is [ __ ]. No, no, no. I asked a very specific question, man.
>> Okay.
>> Were you single at the time?
>> Yes, I've been single for a while.
>> Right. So, I asked you, when was a non-black man of value approached you with the intention of taking you out on a romantic date? You said a year ago.
>> Right. How do you know he was interested in taking you out on a romantic date if you didn't go?
>> Well, cuz I was asked.
>> By whom?
>> Yes, I was asked.
>> By whom?
>> By him?
>> Yes.
>> Did he already know you?
>> Um, yes. We were acquainted with each other.
>> How are you acquainted?
>> We've known each other for a while. So in other words,
>> see how you understand guys, I said approached. Somebody that you know doesn't approach you.
>> Approach means the implication is a stranger.
>> Oh, a stranger. Yeah. Okay. Well, no, I have not had that.
>> Right.
>> Okay. I agree. Okay. I just um got it wrong. So
>> I mean, I'm curious though. Why Why do you think the solution lies in non-black men at your age?
>> I you know what? I'm not saying that that is the solution. I'm just saying that maybe I should try something new.
>> And try to date something, you know, outside of my race. I would love to date a black man like my father.
>> But but ma'am, you said it's time for me to expand my options.
>> Yes. Because I'm just not having I'm not having um I I'm still single trying to date in my race. So now I'm just thinking outside of the box. Should I date outside of my race and see if I get a different result or
>> you don't have those options?
>> Okay.
>> I mean, I don't understand. It's like saying, let me see which Ivy League school I would go to. Princeton, Yale, Columbia, Brown, and you can't get into junior college.
>> Oh, I I've been to a junior college.
>> And I 50 years old, you should understand the analogy. That's an analogy. Compares. Seriously, man, why are you postulating things that don't really are possibilities?
>> So, you don't I mean, I not so you don't
>> I don't you don't have non-black men of value approaching you to date you.
>> Okay.
>> So, how can you expand that option? And I I was I wanted to give it a try and see what happens.
>> If no one's approaching you, how can you try it?
>> Well, like I said, I can say part of that is my responsibility, which I am going to take ownership with. I know with me, I do isolate myself. I
>> Do you work? Do you do you work from home?
>> Yes. And I've been working from home for the past five years before.
>> So, you don't How often do you leave the house? I mainly leave the house mainly for leisure. Like if I go dancing, I love to hike. So I
>> How do you grocery shop?
>> I grocery shop once a week.
>> Well, you don't go to the gym.
>> Oh, yes, I do. Yes. But you got to remember I I'm all solid. Like I'm not I don't have fat really. But
>> how many times a week do you go to the gym? I go at least three times a week and I hike on the on the weekends.
>> And you go to a local gym or is it a woman's gym?
>> I'm I'm open to um I go to a personal trainer and um I go to a regular gym, but most of my weight I put on during quarantine.
>> But if you go to the gym, then that's public.
>> Oh, yeah.
>> And then you go grocery shopping once a week.
>> Yes.
>> That's at least four times a week you're in public.
>> Okay. And I go to church. I do go to church.
>> That's more times. So that means you're not locked in a house. So if so if non black men found you appealing, they could approach you.
>> They could.
>> But they don't.
>> That's if I if I look
>> But they don't.
>> Right. And they don't. And I don't understand why.
>> Because they don't they don't find you attractive.
>> Oh wow. Okay. I mean, that's fine.
>> I want you guys to understand that. I want you This is the black girl magic. These women have been pumped so much to where it's like I gave you the the Ivy League example.
>> Oh my god. Okay.
>> And you're still talking about, well, I'm still want to expand my options to Ivy League.
>> I didn't say Ivy League. I just said to other
>> God damn it. I gave an example. Are you Oh, Jesus. I gave an example. Do you want me to explain the example again?
>> No, you did not. I get your example.
>> Well, then stop acting silly because it's going to go off the rails.
>> I'm starting to have a conversation and you're acting like you don't know what I'm talking about.
>> I do know what you're talking about.
>> Why don't you just deal with the reality, ma'am, that you don't have non-black men approaching you and it's not likely that it's going to happen, especially at your age.
>> Okay. This is not how it works. Especially men have they didn't have any value because we tend to be more race loyal the older we get and the more we socioeconomic channel. What's going on with your what's going on with your audio? Am I on speaker phone?
>> Um I have you Yeah. On the speaker. I don't have anything in my ear.
>> Okay. When was the last time you had a relationship? It's last time I had a committed relationship. I could say it was five years ago.
>> When was the last time you had sex?
>> Last time I would say about two years ago. There you go. Relationship five years ago, sex two years ago. Effectively, you're kind of dead from the waist down.
>> You don't get You say you don't get out to socialize or whatever. You said you had somebody that you were familiar with and he approached you and you turned it down. And I have reasons behind that. But
>> whatever they are, ma'am,
>> you know,
>> the only common denominator in your in your dating history is you and your inability to connect with anybody.
>> I can I can agree to that when it comes to dating. Yes.
>> Okay. So, how we got down this crooked path is the notion that a jagged pill like you're describing should expand your options. What was a man's race have to do with your situation?
>> And I'm not saying that a man's race have to do anything with my situation. I'm just saying that I've never given that given that an opportunity to try to date out of my race. So just to have that available like I want to leave that option open and available if that opportunity did come.
>> Okay. Sure. Not really reality, but fine. Well, why aren't you actively trying to put yourself out here?
>> Well, now, you know, to be honest, yes, now I am. And I do find myself
>> But you have a 29. You have a 21 year old.
>> 21. Mhm.
>> And you're 40 what?
>> 47.
>> So, why have you just kind of given up?
[Music]
>> Like in dating. Um, I don't know.
>> This happens a lot with our generation. You know,
>> our women our women seem to really focus a lot on their career and then they'll focus on raising their child. And once the child gets to be 18 and 21, you got women in their mid-40s, early 50s with no real relationship skills.
>> Right?
>> Thinking you thinking you can still date like you did in your 20s.
>> Right. So, and I know that's the part of my life that I damaged. I take full responsibility of that because I was too afraid coming out of the relationship that I was in. And I did not want to be damaged goods to somebody else.
>> How long ago was that relationship over?
>> With my daughter's father or the five-year relationship?
>> Whichever one you said was damaged, I'm assuming your daughter's father. Um, I would say both of them were, you know, very hurtful relationships. My daughter's father was I after I had my daughter, I had no relationships with him afterwards. And then the other relationship um that was years ago.
>> So, I'm curious. Let me switch this. Let me switch gears.
>> Okay. What do you tell your daughter when it comes to relationships and to rank them and and their priority?
>> That has always been a struggle for me to tell you the truth. Um, because
>> Go ahead.
>> What do you tell her?
>> I tell her the things that I wish I
>> Is it relationship? Do you tell your to her to prioritize relationships?
>> No, I don't. I'mma tell you. Yes, I don't. Okay.
>> So, basically, you're dooming her too.
>> And I and I and I think I do do that, you know. Um, and I think that I should tell I do tell her to prioritize that.
>> Yeah. But you don't do it. But you don't but she doesn't see you doing it.
>> Right. And I know that.
>> So, basically, and the reason I did talk brought this up is because people with only children, especially with daughters or have one daughter, those daughters tend to end up jacked up. Um, I did a show talk about our modern mothers uh destroying their daughters and they are because most daughters look at their mothers and like, well, damn, she is she doesn't talk about relationships like they're positive. It's all fear-based. She doesn't teach me anything. Hasn't taught me anything. Um, let's see. Is your daughter a good student? Um well she's not in school right now but when was she a good student in high school?
>> Um she was average, you know, got when you speak to your daughter who have when you speak to your daughter, how often do you contact her or does she contact you?
>> My my daughter still live at home.
>> Okay. 21.
>> Yes.
>> What is she doing?
>> Well, she just got her CNA license and um now she's working on her RN license. So I've given my your daughter about your relationship problems.
>> Yes, I do. Because now I'm noticing her.
>> She like your best friend then?
>> Yeah. Me and my daughter talk because
>> So basically what you're creating is called a mother wound.
>> What do you mean by that?
>> I'm mother wound. Hold your emotional baggage. Make make my mother feel better. Listen to her problems. Agree with her pains. Never say no. Be a best friend. Talk about this mother daughter attacking style because ultimately ma'am um
>> daughters look see we're we're used to faulty fathers and women who are not happy with their dating lives tend to not make it look appealing to their daughters so their daughters tend to end up like well damn it's not like you talk about men in a good or glamorizing way or anything it's like well men are something to be avoided.
>> Yeah. There we go.
>> Huh?
>> I've never done that to her.
>> Well, you whether you do it whether you say it or not, you don't have good things to say about men in relationships. You're living life off-grid for the most part. So if if women okay if your daughter saw you with the men or talking about how great men are to have around, why men are so valuable and so important and what you should do to make a man happy because men are so special. Her outlook on manhood and relationships would be very different than get your degree, go to school, get your CNA, you know, get out here and like you said, relationships are not a priority. So basically, you're teaching your daughter to grow up and be you alone.
>> No. Well, I'm Well, the thing is, Kevin, is that I didn't even push that on my daughter to make it a priority, but I do feel that she needs a level of education to be able to take care of herself.
>> Exactly what I just said.
>> Right. Right. So my thing is with her
>> again they make their daughters carbon copies of them and they imp and they give their daughters fear scarcity and lack their success your daughter's success is not in a man it's in a job and an education.
>> But I've always but to go back I've always told my daughter that
>> it is not your you have taught your daughter like so many women taught okay we we teach our kids by what we say, but also what we do. Has your daughter ever had a serious boyfriend?
>> She did have one after she graduated.
>> She was about 19 between 18 19.
>> And how long how long were they together?
>> Um, it didn't last that long. About maybe six six months. It didn't last that long at all.
>> She's 21 years old, lives at home. Mhm.
>> So your daughter, it's called sister daughters.
>> Your daughter is like your sister.
>> No, I'm mom.
>> Okay. If you talk to your daughter, if you talk to your daughter about your personal problem, she's that that's not what moms do.
>> I This is what I do with my daughter. I do with her what's age appropriate or if I feel the conversation is needed to be had. So if my daughter came to me,
>> what do you tell your daughter men are for?
>> I tell my daughter about me what men are for to be, you know, providers. Um, to be a support system, um, to be a companionship. You know, I tell my daughter about
>> And what does your daughter see you mirroring? What does your daughter see you?
>> You know what? And I'm guilty of that. Like I sit back.
>> Thank you. Stop. Breathe.
>> Right. I do think that breathe. Stop. Breathe. Stop and breathe.
>> Yeah. Sorry. I do. I do.
>> Stop and breathe. Stop and breathe. You have taught your You have told your daughter a bunch of stuff that you ain't living and she's seen mama live a life off the
>> grid.
>> Exactly.
>> And you know, I'm not disagreeing with you, Kevin, at all.
>> But what I'm saying is when I said sister daughter, it's like, no, I'm not know your sister. you've talked maybe I don't see it that way.
>> Okay, like it or not, you ain't my first rodeo. And the bottom line is this is important because we don't start having more women recognize what they're doing to their daughters, their daughters are going to end up living their lives. Your daughter is on a path to becoming an independent woman, no man. And what do you think's going to happen? Likely happen. What do you think is likely going to happen if she continues down this path in in inside of nine years? Likely we'll have a baby because that's this path. 80% of our children are born out of wedlock because we have mothers who don't prioritize relationships with their daughters. They prioritize making sure that their daughters have jobs and careers and degrees and debt and everything else because you don't even have it in your life because the main thing that's running in through your head is fear and this and that. And I'm like, this is a cycle.
>> I know.
>> And it has to stop with you ladies. You, your generation of women has to get real about your lives, where it is, and what they've done to the younger women because you're the women they're looking at. That's why I have so many young women calling into my show because you're their mother.
>> And I can accept that 100%. Um, because now that I've, you know, gotten older and kind of look back over things, most of the things that you have said, it's been true, but how do I undo a lot of the things that I have done? And that
>> you have to you have to own it. You have to own it first, right? When
>> somebody tells you something Hold on, hold on. When somebody tells you something, you don't say, "No, this isn't it." No, that is it. And just like here's the thing.
>> But that was a
>> listen listen listen. One of the biggest issues right now is at 47 you're still you're still in a position right wrong or indifferent where you're still trying to salvage the bit the bit of life you have left to get some happiness out of it.
>> Okay.
>> And the difference is we had grandparents our age. They didn't have to do that. They were married for 20 plus years. They weren't single. Single people are individual. You're not worried about it. You're worried about your dating options. When your when your focus should really be in in in our if if you were children, the women your age, their focus was us. Their focus was come over to granny's house. I'mma bake my baby some cookies. Come stay with grandmama. Can I go? Who let that baby step over here. You will be in tug-of-war between your mom and your grandparents house or your auntie's house. We had an abundance of love because we didn't have a bunch of goddamn single women trying to get out here and ride the ride the train and figure out how to expand their options. Their option was in the other room even if the men had passed on. We got a bunch of single older women who are looking at their daughters and saying, "I made a mistake. I didn't know but mama got a life too and I ain't got but I don't have but another good 10 years before I and and it's human nature human nature survival is hardwired into us and so many of our generation X women are trying to have a relationship to survive the very thing that you didn't prioritize in your youth and the sad part is maybe the answer is not that you get your relationship maybe answer is you actually help your daughter understand the value of a man.
>> And that and that's
>> worried about expanding your options. You give her better choices than you had.
>> And that's what I have been doing. Like I can and I totally agree with you. Um, and I've been trying to try to figure that out, you know, that I don't want to be a stumbling block for her. Like I want her to possibly get married one day and have a family because I didn't have that opportunity. So when she does meet someone, I'm not trying to sabotage it. I try to support her the best way I can.
>> The reason many daughters don't get married is because they don't want to leave their mothers.
>> And I I can see that with my own daughter and I'm I'm pushing.
>> I know, ma'am. I study this. I study this like right now. So my point is so listen.
>> It's how you you may understand and what you can you can speak aspirationally but if you're not actually telling your daughter don't worry about mama I want you to have a husband.
>> I told her that I've said that.
>> But you got to you you've been on this plan long enough to know it's not what we say it's what we do and how
>> And I agree with you on Yeah, I agree.
>> So, so when we talk about when we talk about relationships, when you tell me about your relationship history, it's all negative.
>> It sucks. It does.
>> Then how can you then how can you speak positive to her?
>> I I mean, like I said, Kevin, it's like one of the things that I recognize like I recognize my mistakes. I take ownership of my mistakes.
>> I'm not trying to get you to I'm not trying to get you to take ownership of a mistake. What I'm trying to get you to understand is you can't do it alone.
>> I understand and I know that too. Like I have my brother.
>> This is one thing that I think older women are going to have to start doing. You're going to have to start bringing your daughters around men.
>> Right?
>> Because the only thing you have to pull from to talk to your daughter about is relationships that didn't work.
>> And your issue with that man.
>> Agree. I totally agree. I totally agree. And and that's the one thing that I I did try like when I do date, I do try to bring like if I do go out on a date and and I'm comfortable with the person, I try to let my daughter see me date um to see the bad, the good, and the ugly. So
>> That's not what I'm talking about, man.
>> But I'm glad you said it because it is still about you. Okay. And I don't want to make it about me. So
>> It is it's about you. This is about me. This is why so many young women are coming to these platforms because like it or not, whether you intend it or not. Your generation failed these women. And y'all need to own that. Y'all failed these women.
>> Okay?
>> Cuz we are quick to say that our father's generation failed us. We're quick to say deadbeat dad's and absentee fathers. Well, goddamn it, y'all. It's time for y'all to start admitting we have failed our daughters. We do not speak about relationships with men as anything to be positive, happy, or to build any kind of anticipation. Do your daughters, do black daughters, what is going on with your speaker? Jesus Christ. Hold on.
>> You have an echo.
>> Hold on.
>> Hello.
>> Yes, I can hear you perfectly fine.
>> Do black daughters look at relationships like children looked at Christmas morning?
>> I could say mine probably don't. Do black daughters look at relationships like children looked at Christmas morning?
>> I would say mine probably don't.
>> Do black daughters, not just yours?
>> Okay, I would say no. I would say probably say no.
>> Then that is a failing of the mothers.
>> And I can I can take ownership of my part. Yes. Because Chris, we put cuz you know what I'm talking about. When you're a kid, we used to Thanksgiving. We were on high alert. We were looking forward to Christmas morning. It was an event. It was a thing. We the Christmas practice, the rapping, the entire thing. It was not just the wasn't just the bicycle or the or the basketball or the or the whatever. It was the entire experience. But how are y'all talking about relationships? How are y'all living relationships? You know what relationships? If if if black relationships were Christmas presents, they would be a pair of socks put in a gift bag.
>> That's deep.
>> Who gets excited about getting a pair of socks in a gift bag? Nobody even took the time to wrap it. But you got a gift.
>> Right?
>> We could have a We got a bunch of We got a We got a Christmas tree with no lights, no tinsel, and a bunch of gift bags with socks under it. Merry [ __ ] Christmas, black girls. And we wonder why our young ladies are so terrified of marriage to where they got to get this. Did you listen to the video right there with that 26 year old young girl?
>> Yes, I saw it.
>> I got to get my bag. I got to get my bag. You got to get my bag. I got to get my get my hustle. That shit's out of priority. And I'm like, why is this young lady who came from a relationship? And and so many young young girls feel like life is about money and careers and bags and so forth because that's what's been pro that's what's been given to them by the women. Cuz you're the controllers of the culture, not us, right?
>> Women control the culture, not us. So, it's all about hustling, getting the bags up and so forth. And we can't fix it.
>> Right?
>> The women have to sit back and do what women of old have always done. It's in your Bible. The elders of the elder women have to teach the younger women. But in order to do that, your generation of women is going to have to fall on your sword and say, "My life is over and I got to give up what's left in my life to teach this next generation." That requires you being selfless, not trying to expand your options. And that really goes against strong independent. I don't need no man. Um, my life, my choice goes against all this stuff. But I got news for you. If we don't get young black women in the position to want to be wives, we don't have a black community in 10 years. It's gone.
>> And I agree.
>> And it's gone because we don't have any wives. Young black girl, your daughter 21. And in other races, your daughter got a 50 plus% chance of being married. 50 plus 54% or higher. In our community, less than 20% after you take out the baby bones. And that ain't got nothing to do with the men or daddies. So I get it. Our generation, we were lied to. We got a bunch of misinformation. And it sucks because unfortunately when I was a young man, cuz we're contemporaries. When I was a young man in the '90s, we paid for a lot of [ __ ].
>> Right?
>> Go back and look at the movies in the '90s. Black men is gay download low. We were I mean all you saw was black women moving and shaking in corporate America and the black men went in the mail room. We took a lot of [ __ ]. But now men have gotten themselves into a position we're not on cops anymore and this and that. 54 54% of black men are single and childless. 61% of the middle class yourself into a position of respect. Now it's time for black men over 40 to experience what you guys got in your in the 20s. Uh uh, what was that? Don't want no scrubs and all them songs that was coming out.
>> Mhm.
>> Now it's y'all's turn.
>> It's y'all's turn. And we had to eat that [ __ ]. Now y'all going to eat it. You better do it with a smile because what's at stake is your daughters.
>> Right. That's true. Cuz Becky Mano, my linga, Jamaa ain't studing uh Kesha. They're coming right over here and learning how to fix collard greens and macaroni and cheese to get black men. These young Zeno men your men your daughter's age that black women as a be race loyal and choose them first. You got boys as young as 12 talking. I don't want to be nobody. Y'all too mean.
>> Seven years old. Look on TikTok. And all these boys are around and no men are around their mamas. Where do they get this stuff from? So it is up to the women in your generation to sacrifice if you really really want a black community. And the sacrifice is going to be to give up the rest of y'all's lives to step into the role Big Mama had cuz we big mama's age. We shouldn't be out here trying to rip Big M. Could you imagine your grandmama trying to get out and do with some of the stuff that people your generation do our age do?
>> I never seen my grand My grandparents were still living except for one. And
>> But my point is could you see your could you see anybody when you was 10 years old you couldn't imagine nobody in their late 40s 50s talking about I got I get out to the club and I need to date.
>> What? No.
>> No. So, good conversation. I mean, like I said, it's not Generation X got a raw deal.
>> You know.
>> And I feel sorry for Generation X women. But here's the thing. I feel sorry for you guys, but you got the benefit because when we were coming out of college, black women were getting hired at a rate of 2 to 1 with black men because you counted as a double minority against affirmative action. The the gains that black men were supposed to get out of civil rights went to you guys through civil right through uh affirmative action. In Title Nine. That's why we had this entire black women are doing this and doing that and outpacing black men. So, black men caught hell for good 20 some odd years. Now we're Now we're just like, "Oh, good." That's why black men over 40 are some of that. Black men over 40 are some of the happiest men on the planet.
>> Interesting.
>> Because all the [ __ ] that we had to survive.
>> We didn't have wives. We didn't have women who wanted to be be our counterparts.
>> Yeah, I was.
>> I'm a PhD.
>> And that's what it was. You know that's what it was. You know that's what it was. Go back and look at the movies of Halle B. Go back and look at the movies of the '90s with all them short haircuts.
>> That's true.
>> You know exactly what I'm talking about. Short haircuts and corporate chicks.
>> Right? In Atlanta was ground central, ground zero for all this [ __ ].
>> All right, talk to you later.
>> Well, thank you so much.
>> Man, this one was wild. You got these alpha women out here acting like they're running everything, moving like they're the boss, calling the shots, thinking men should just fall in line because they've got a degree, a job, and a big mouth. And this woman, she's the perfect example of it. She's so used to controlling everything that she can't even see how she comes off. Combative, masculine, and draining. She thinks her career, her "I got it together" energy is what men find attractive. It's not. She doesn't realize that the same traits that make her successful at work are the same traits that push men away in relationships. And you can tell she's not even hearing herself. The constant need to prove she's right. The refusal to listen. The arrogance masked as confidence. She's so in her masculine that she doesn't even see that the feminine energy men want is nowhere to be found. It's crazy because she thinks she's alpha, but deep down you can see she's tired. She's lonely. She's craving a man to take the lead, but her mouth and mindset won't let her have one. I hope women watching take notes because all that alpha energy might get you a promotion, but it's not going to get you a ring, peace, or a family with a masculine man who respects himself. Facts.