Transcription
[music] Me and my ladies. Uh uh, one year was just on the first and...
>> Oh, your lady. I thought you said ladies plural and I was like, "Dang, Gina."
>> Knew it.
>> Me and my ladies.
[laughter]
>> No, me and my lady. Um, well, my question is...
>> Married or dating?
>> Uh, we are dating. Um, yeah, we've only been together for a year. So, yeah, we're dating.
>> You've been dating for a year. Okay, cool.
>> But we do live with each other.
>> Okay.
>> And, uh, we moved in very fast. I'd like to mention that. But anyway, my question is, how not necessarily... Yeah. Well, I'm losing attraction, John. Say it out loud. Just say it. Say it. Say it. Say it.
>> She eats poorly. She does not take care of her body.
>> Is she gaining weight?
>> And I'm losing attraction. Of course, John.
>> Say it.
>> She is. She had gained weight.
>> Okay. How much?
>> Uh, so she's always been a slightly larger lady and I was okay with that. It, she knows it's different for me. I've always been with generally athletic and skinnier ladies. Okay. And um, so it is new to me. But anyway, she's gained probably 20 pounds. I want to say maybe 30.
>> Okay. So, are you los- are you losing attraction to her because she's a bigger woman? Are you losing attraction to her because the person you started dating early on, you're watching that person? Is this a physical thing or is this an emotional thing or is it a combination?
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>> Or is it a combination?
>> It's gonna be a both. John.
>> Tell me about the emotional part.
>> So, it's so upsetting to me. I'll be honest.
>> Just, just let it rip.
>> I know. No. Um, it's just I, I can't stand seeing somebody that I, I love so dearly, just neglect themselves because I know what it does. I've seen what it does over time. And I'm, I will say I'm slightly a health buff. I take care of myself. I do. I play sports. I do all this stuff. And I just, I, I would like for her to be able to do the thing with me. And I know it's hard for her to do it. And she doesn't want to do it 'cause she feels embarrassed to do it because of her size. And it's, I don't know how far, how much I can really say in regards to not kind of vulgarities. It's not very vul- vulgar, but you know what I mean. I don't know how far I can say it, but sex is not the same anymore. I, I do enjoy it. I've always enjoyed it, and I know she has as well, but it's, I can't. John, this is one of the prettiest women I've ever met and seen in my life. And to see that face and then I don't, this is gonna sound so terrible, but it's not meaning and that and that it's not meant to be derogatory. I'm not trying to be mean. I don't want to push my lady down ever, but it's just the way I think. It's the way I feel. Um, I, I just, I can't stand to see her body that way. It bothers me.
>> Mhm.
>> That's it.
>> Okay. Is it that you can't stand to see her body that way because it's now got 20 extra pounds on it? Or is the person that she knows she's becoming causes her to shield herself from you, to not be as open with you, to hide from you, and it's that is creating that cycle where you start to chase and you start to be like, "Well, you know, if you just..." which then sends her to a deeper shame spiral and for her, the false comfort at the bottom of a shame spiral is more food? Or is it simply, "When I see her now, I'm no longer physically attracted to her?"
>> I think it's gonna be the first one. That one definitely hit almost hit the nail on the head. I don't...
>> Uh, she's not... I don't know how to explain it.
>> Let me say, let me say it like this. Let's take, let's take her off 'cause you're, I, I know what you, you're trying to be careful to not say, "My girlfriend has gained a bunch of weight and I'm losing attraction to her." Okay.
>> Okay.
>> You are not crazy and I don't think you're an evil person. Okay. You're attracted to who you're attracted to. But what I'm trying to get to the bottom of, that attraction can be very shallow.
>> Yeah.
>> And if you are a guy, of which there are millions of them, that when their partner ages like a normal body...
>> That you're not going to be content with that aesthetically. I'm going to tell you to be an honorable person and let this sweet woman go. If, 'cause this is gonna show up with wrinkles. This is gonna show up with gray hair. This is gonna show up with, with, with pregnancy scars. It's gonna show up all over the place.
>> Absolutely.
>> And if that's who you are, then get out of the dating pool. So, how...
[clears throat]
>> Can I help you?
>> Well, we, we have spoken about this and she's, she is trying to work with me. She wants to go, she's been going to the gym. I just, I don't want to nitpick. I'm having that issue of, of, because so just this morning she texted me, she said, "I went and got me a coffee. I deserved it." And my mom would immediately came into my mind, "Well, what did you do to deserve it?" But then again, I remembered she's at home taking care of things that she's not obligated to take care of things that I happen to mess up at home and she had, she was taking care of it. So yeah, maybe she did deserve it. But I, it's just so conflicting. It's so weird and I don't know how to wrap my mind about it around about it. How I think it's lack of discipline is what is bothering me because that's the way I grew up. That's, she grew up very differently. She grew up in a very loosey-goosey house and I grew up in a very strict and, um, honest and truthful household. And I think a part of it is just being that discipline of saying, "Hey, I don't need to eat like this. I don't need to drink like this. I don't need to get a coffee every day, every day of the week." That, you know, it's not healthy. And it's, I think that's another thing that's bothering me. And I don't want to be like, "Hey, you don't deserve, you don't deserve that drink." 'Cause no, that's how she'll take it. I just don't know how to voice it to her. Hey, maybe a coffee a day is not healthy.
>> Um...
>> No, it's, it's one of these. It's not just a normal coffee like a normal...
>> I know. I got you. It's like those Frappuccino things. Yeah, I got you. I got you. I got you. Um, how old are you?
>> I'm 21. She is 20.
>> Okay, so this is, I'm gonna say this and it's gonna sound mean and derogatory. I want you to hear exactly how I'm saying it. Okay.
>> Yes, sir. Of course.
>> All right. You're at the age when you begin to realize a couple of different things.
>> Okay.
>> Number one, the way you did Christmas growing up is a way, not the way.
>> Yes.
>> Okay. Number two, the same things that you pride yourself on are probably the things that you had to do to survive in your house.
>> Okay.
>> Mhm. Yeah.
>> So, the things that you're most proud of that you do, "I never miss a workout. I don't, my my body fat is 6% and I never need a coffee." I would tell you is probably the things that little nine-year-old kid inside of your chest wishes he could just have an ice cream cone every once in a while.
>> That's exactly it.
>> Okay. And so often when there's an exchange, and this is gonna sound dramatic and it's gonna sound like I'm getting all political. I'm not. When you feel yourself feeling powerful, that is often the thing your body trying to protect you from the thing you're most scared about inside your own chest.
>> Yeah.
>> Okay. And so, strangely, I would say, "Thank God y'all found each other." Because I need somebody in my life, like my wife, who keeps a schedule and who pays bills every month. And she needs somebody at 9:00 to say, "Hey, I just got tickets last second. We're going to this concert. Let's go." Oh...
>> That's it.
>> And so the beauty is...
>> You will never change somebody's health habits if they feel like, um, they're doing it out of a place of shame.
>> Yeah. Yeah.
>> Or out of a place of obligation. People will change their health habits when they realize, "I am worth feeling good."
>> Yeah. And John, I've, I've, I will say I've been on the other end of the spectrum in regards to weight.
>> Of course. Of course.
>> And now I've, I used to be overweight.
>> That's right. And so you, you know, here's the thing. You know the pain that she feels.
>> Yeah.
>> And this sounds hard to hear. She has not asked you...
>> For your help.
>> Yeah, I know.
>> And there's nothing worse than loving somebody and h-having the answer in your, in your pocket, right?
>> Yeah.
>> And they don't want it.
>> The deeper question is, "How can I love you today?"
>> I love her every day, John. I...
>> I'm not, I'm not talking about in an ethos.
>> Okay?
>> I'm talking about letting her speak into how she wants to be loved.
>> Okay?
>> And vice versa.
>> Of course. And so for you, it's less about, "I deserve a, a, a Frappuccino, a, a 1,400 calorie drink."
>> Yeah.
>> That cost $9. We don't have...
>> That's not the issue. That's the symptom.
>> The issue is we don't have a shared purpose with our money. We don't have a shared purpose with our health goals.
>> Exactly. And so let's get to the bottom of shared purpose, shared values. And I'll also tell you, this is an offensive way to say this. I know...
>> It's okay.
>> But when you're 21 and 20 and you're playing house, neither of you have a reason to anchor into the other person.
>> Yes, sir.
>> 'Cause you both still have a foot out the door.
>> Yeah, we both spoke about that actually the other night.
>> Yeah. And so maybe tonight you sit down and say, "Hey, I've talked to you about what you're eating. I've talked to you about the right workout plan. I've talked to you about you need to get out and play sports with me," and I've communicated it to you in a way that makes you think I think you need to do all that stuff 'cause I think you're fat." And that's wrong.
>> Yeah.
>> "I miss the spark in the eyes of that girl I met when she was 19."
>> Yeah. "I miss the girl who was alive and laughing and so full of confidence and beauty radiated from the inside out."
>> Yeah, you put it that way. That's...
>> "How could I love and find that girl again? And maybe if you hold her hands and say, 'Honey, I'm gonna love you 60 pounds from now.' But I want to be a part of finding that girl again. And I think I may have dimmed your light, and I'm sorry."
>> I did. I did, John.
>> Okay. You coming at her with that type of honesty and vulnerability, which, by the way, no man in your life has ever modeled for you. It's all new.
>> Yeah.
>> It's all right. But the way you solve problems is with calories and workout plans and activities. Cool. For some people, that, that list is just shame on top of shame on top of shame.
>> I agree.
>> I get from your voice that you love this girl sideways. Is that fair?
>> Beyond that, of course.
>> Okay. Number one, let her know that. Number two, you get to have seasons of not being attracted to each other. That's life.
>> Of course. Of course.
>> Number three, if you outsource all that to pornography or something, you're gonna blow your house up. Number four, take a knee in front of this woman that you love and say, "I messed this up, man. I was trying to tell you I love you with the only tools I have, which are 'crush it, kill it, and drag it home.' And...
>> There's another way.
>> Okay.
>> I want you to feel good and I want to see the light in...
[clears throat]
>> the eyes of that girl that I fell in love with. Will you make a budget with me, for God's sakes?" She's been, uh, haggling me about doing that.
>> Okay. Be a grown, be a grown-up. If you're gonna play house, be a grown man.
>> Yeah, I know. It's, that's me. That's, that's what I need to do because I mean more than what I should.
>> Well, here's the deal. You ask her, "How can I love you?" And then say to her, "I want to tell you how you can love me." Be honest. Be reflective. "Here's where I need to grow up. I'm playing house. I'm playing big boy. I need to act like one, like a grown man. I need to take, be a good steward of my money. I need to sometimes just get up and have a Frappuccino for God's sakes. I need to sometimes I need to just go dancing instead of making you go to the volleyball courts. Sometimes I just need to sit on the couch with you and watch a TV show." Dude, I just gotta say it, man. I'm proud of you for saying speaking out loud. You had hard stuff to say, but I'm proud of you for having the courage to say it out loud. And I believe you in your guts, man. That this isn't just about aesthetics and attraction. This is about, "I miss the woman I fell in love with, and I think I've contributed to dimming her light, and I want to not do that anymore." I honor that, my brother.