Transcription
What is the purpose of life? Why do we exist if everything is destined to end? What happens after death? How can one live in a world so full of suffering? What really matters in life, and what drives a human being to ask these questions when, apparently, he seems to have it all—money, success, a loving family—elements that many consider the pinnacle of happiness?
Yet, there are times when even those who reach these milestones find themselves faced with deep and disturbing questions. This is the case of Leo Tolstoy, one of the greatest writers of all time, who experienced one of the most intense existential crises ever told.
This video explores the extraordinary journey of a man who, despite having achieved fame and fortune, found himself immersed in an abyss of doubt—a journey that led him to confront the greatest questions of life and to find unexpected answers.
He was born in 1828 into a noble Russian family, immersed in the luxury of the aristocracy. Orphaned at a young age, he was raised by relatives and, at 19, inherited the immense Yasnaya Polyana estate along with hundreds of serfs. Despite this wealth, from a young age, he showed a deep dissatisfaction and a divided nature. On one hand, he loved earthly pleasures such as gambling, drinking, and fleeting relationships. On the other, he was tormented by a strong morality that gave him a constant sense of guilt.
His literary journey began with writing personal diaries, where he noted his faults and his attempts to improve himself. His early works, including "Childhood" and "The Cossacks," reflected his personal experiences, from his carefree youth to his military adventures during the Crimean War. Fame quickly came to him, bringing him into the literary circles of St. Petersburg and Moscow. However, despite his success, he felt out of place and often in conflict with his fellow writers.
At the age of 30, he retired to his estate, seeking deeper meaning in life. There, he married Sophia Behrs, a young woman of 17. The marriage brought stability, and the two shared a busy family life with their 13 children. During these years, he wrote "War and Peace," an epic work that transformed Russian fiction and established him as one of the greatest writers in history.
Yet, beyond literary success and family stability, he was tormented by a growing dissatisfaction. He confessed that nothing, not even fame, could calm his sense of inner emptiness. This period marked the beginning of a crisis that, at 50, pushed him to question every aspect of his life, throwing him into a deep existential search.
What is the meaning of existence? Where is the meaning in what we do if time inevitably erases every trace? These are some of the questions that became a torment for him, an obsession capable of calling everything into question.
The most incredible aspect of Tolstoy is that he did not arrive at this deep crisis gradually, but suddenly and devastatingly. What had previously given him security and joy, such as the warmth of his family or the recognition of his works, began to seem empty. The days lost color, and every action seemed devoid of value.
These thoughts did not remain confined to his mind but invaded his daily life. His nights were tormented by nightmares, and sleep became the only refuge from a constant internal malaise. The days, however, were marked by a sense of uselessness that seemed to paralyze him. He himself describes this dark period in "Confession," an intense and personal work in which he brutally reveals the depth of his confusion.
In these pages, he wrote of his most intimate reflections, of the nights spent contemplating the possibility of ending his own life—a thought that haunted him with an almost irresistible force. He confessed that he had to deceive himself to avoid taking extreme action, taking refuge in temporary distractions and mental subterfuges. But he knew he could not continue like this for long.
This crisis was not only personal but also intellectual and spiritual. He was a curious and profound man, and he decided not to give up but to face these questions head-on. Caught between the desire for an answer and the fear of not finding it, he embarked on an extraordinary journey—not through physical places, but through the pages of books, the thoughts of great philosophers, and the observations of everyday life.
He was searching for something that could fill the void he felt, something that went beyond success and material well-being. But every answer he found seemed to open up new questions. Every certainty he reached crumbled under the weight of doubt. However, he continued to search, driven by a determination that led him to explore intellectual and spiritual territories he had never considered before.
The first step led him toward philosophy. He devotedly studied the works of great thinkers such as Socrates, Buddha, and Schopenhauer in search of a key to understanding the meaning of life. Their ideas, although illuminated by profound wisdom, only increased his sense of confusion. He found in their conclusions a vision that, in his eyes, was far too dark and devoid of hope.
Schopenhauer, for example, with his philosophy based on the will as the dominant principle and on suffering as the inevitable condition of existence, suggested that life was a continuous struggle without any real purpose. Tolstoy could see no comfort in this vision, feeling even more trapped in a circle of nihilism.
Even the teachings of Socrates, although he admired their rationality and depth, seemed insufficient to respond to his existential anguish. Even Buddha, with his emphasis on overcoming desire and accepting impermanence, seemed to him to offer a path of renunciation rather than a solution that could be reconciled with his restless nature.
Disappointed by philosophy, he turned his gaze to science, hoping that the rational and empirical approach could provide more concrete answers. He studied Darwin's theories and other emerging scientific ideas of the time, which explained the origin of life as the result of evolutionary processes devoid of purpose. According to these visions, the human being was nothing but a product of biological chance, an aggregate of cells destined for decay and death.
This approach only amplified the void he already felt. Science, while offering detailed explanations of the mechanisms of nature, could not answer those questions that tormented him: Why are we here? Why do we suffer? What happens after death?
Tolstoy perceived science as a discipline extraordinarily powerful in describing the how of the world but profoundly limited in answering the why. Darwinism and biology seemed to him to reduce human existence to a struggle for survival, denying any possibility of transcendence or meaning.
The combination of philosophical pessimism and scientific coldness left him disillusioned. He had searched for certainties but had found only explanations that seemed to deny any possibility of purpose and hope. But he did not give up. He decided to continue to look beyond for an answer that could satisfy his thirst for meaning.
Thus, he was able to identify four main approaches with which people dealt with the absurdity of life, each representing a different answer to the existential questions that tormented him.
The first approach was to ignore the problem completely. Many people, he believed, lived their lives without ever stopping to reflect on the meaning of life or the inevitability of death. They focused exclusively on everyday life, accepting what happened without questioning what went beyond the apparent. This option seemed feasible, even reassuring, but for him, it was a fragile and temporary solution.
The second approach was to take refuge in pleasure and the search for immediate gratification. Materialism, hedonism, and the constant pursuit of goods and pleasures became for many a kind of anesthetic against the anxieties of existence. He described this strategy as an attempt to stifle the inner emptiness with distractions, be they wealth, relationships, or personal success.
But this approach was an illusion. He compared it to the honey in the parable of the man in the well—sweet to the taste but unable to save from falling. According to Tolstoy, indulgence in pleasures was temporary, and once the effect wore off, the emptiness and unanswered questions returned with greater intensity. No wealth or pleasure could, in his eyes, satisfy the thirst for meaning that tormented the human being.
The third approach, the most extreme, was to give up on life itself. He contemplated this possibility during his moments of deepest crisis when despair seemed to cloud all hope. Many, he believed, came to see death as the only escape from the absurdity and pain of existence. But even though he understood this choice, he considered it a false solution. He resisted this temptation and understood that giving in to despair would not solve his questions but would simply eliminate them.
For him, living meant continuing to search, even in the deepest darkness, for an answer that could bring peace. The fourth approach was perhaps the most passive—living in a state of limbo. Those who followed this path recognized the absurdity of life but chose not to confront it directly. It was a state of emotional and spiritual stagnation in which the individual took no clear position on either life or death.
Tolstoy described this state as non-choice, where awareness of the problem paralyzed action. Those living in this limbo found neither comfort nor meaning but merely survived, unable to move in any direction. This represented, for him, the weakest and most unsatisfactory response because it left the individual trapped in a state of eternal immobility with no possibility of redemption.
He analyzed these four approaches in great depth, trying to understand which, if any, could lead to a real solution. Although he found elements of truth in each of them, none seemed capable of offering a definitive answer to his questions. But he did not give up.
He pushed himself to explore other avenues, and so he came to a real turning point. By observing the simplest and humblest people, especially farmers, he noticed that despite the difficulties of their lives, these individuals seemed to find extraordinary strength in faith. He was struck by their ability to bear suffering with serenity, inspired by a trust in something greater.
This observation led him to reconsider the value of faith as an answer to his questions. Although he had always had doubts about organized religion, he began to perceive faith as a means of going beyond the limits of rationality. Faith, in its simplicity, offered answers where reason failed. It was not an escape from reality but a way to embrace it in all its nuances, finding purpose and meaning even in suffering.
This is how Tolstoy transformed his life. He abandoned luxury, devoted himself to others, and embraced a spirituality that led him to live more authentically. This new path gave him a peace that neither success nor rationality had ever been able to offer him.
What can I say? Tolstoy's experience and history teach that the meaning of life is not found only in knowledge or pleasure, but in the ability to see beyond difficulties. They may seem insurmountable, but faith, whatever form it takes, can offer a way to deal with them.
What thoughts does this story inspire in you? That's all for this video. Warm greetings, and see you next time.