Transcription
I'm not going to pick you up right now. You see, there's still food on my plate.
When all the food is gone, I'll pick you up. But I'll hug you. You want to give me a side hug? No. Okay.
I absolutely love this video. There were so many things done right in a moment that usually triggers extreme reactions from adults on both ends of the spectrum. So, let's break down what went well, responses people think should have happened, and why those wouldn't work. My name is Jenna Misilla, and I'm a board certified behavior analyst, teacher, and mom of two girls.
Number one, mom offered an alternative, and she only offered it once. "I can't pick you up, but I can give you a side hug." That's it. And she didn't continue talking about the side hug and trying to entice her with it when the child said no. "Oh, but you love side hugs. Don't you want a side hug?" Additionally, she didn't offer her more options when the child said no to the side hug. "Oh, but don't you want some tickles? How about some kisses?" All of those responses would have taught the child that tantrums produce more good things from my mom.
Additionally, she remained absolutely calm and completely unaffected. "You're allowed to cry. I offered you an alternative, but I'm going to continue eating my dinner." And in that moment, she taught her daughter something very powerful. Big emotions are fine, but they do not change the outcome.
Number two, this is where most people swing to one of these extremes. Half the people think that we should hug, reason, explain, and talk it through until our child stops crying and feels better. But the problem with this is that it keeps our kids stuck in this loop because it's keeping the hope alive that this maybe just might turn into a yes. And so the behavior is always going to continue turning up because they never know if it's going to change the outcome. On top of that, it teaches that crying produces a huge amount of attention, even more so than had the mom just picked her up.
The other half believes that the child should be sent away, yelled at, or disciplined. But here is the part that is so massively underestimated and likely why your child's challenging behavior keeps coming back. All of those reactions, all of those big, strong reactions, talking about it, yelling, raising our voice, those are still attention to our kids. And there's absolutely nothing more valuable than parental attention. And children will go great lengths to get it. It does not matter if it's positive or negative.
This mom avoided both of those extremes. She didn't punish, she did not rescue, and she did not negotiate. She stayed calm, held her boundary, and over time, her daughter's tantrums are going to get shorter and less intense because she is learning that big emotions are fine, but they don't change the outcome and they don't produce more attention from mom than staying calm would.