Transcription
So, we were told that we need to give people the benefit of the doubt, and that we need to look for the good in others. And I've seen that play out many times over the last couple of years where really great guys went into relationships believing that they were seeing a good person having a bad time.
I think that what we fail to understand is that evil exists. And if you're not watching for it, it'll cost you emotionally, psychologically, financially—hell, it'll cost you potentially your entire life. So today, I want to give you guys some of the signs to watch for so that you don't get sucked into a relationship with someone who is purely evil. Let's talk about it.
Before the late 19th century, most mental illness was considered some manifestation of the devil, of just pure evil. And so when people acted out in ways that other people didn't understand, they assumed they were possessed, that there were evil spirits involved. And although this was a simplification and probably not very healthy in the long run for either the people that were suffering with mental illness or those people who were victims of it, those lessons do help us differentiate in our own lives those things that we can and cannot deal with, because there is a certain level of mental illness that goes beyond our ability to manage. And today, with so much mental illness in our society, it can be a real challenge.
The thing to remember is that you only get so many bites of this apple we call life. Eventually, you run out. Eventually, your time is spent. And nobody wants to waste their time, their valuable time on this planet with unsolvable problems, with problems that other people bring into their lives that they are completely incapable of dealing with. And I think that's what happens with the most severe cases of mental illness. And so being able to identify them quickly so that you can eliminate them from your life and not allow yourself to get too wrapped up in a relationship, or to cut that relationship short when you do get caught up in it, is critical. It's a critical skill that you need to have, and you've got to keep your awareness up. Otherwise, inevitably you're going to find yourself in a relationship with someone who will destroy you. So let's talk about it.
When I first started coaching people, I was shocked to hear some of these stories, but I'm afraid these days it's almost become more the norm than the, uh, the outlier. Recently, I talked to a guy who, by all accounts, anybody would say this is a great guy. I mean, he went into this relationship after dating this girl for years, um, getting married, having kids, and he went into it with all of the, uh, naive and openheartedness and hope that a man could bring to the table. I mean, he's got a good job, smart guy, uh, really had his act together. And after the kids were born, his wife turned on him in a terrible way. Became someone he didn't recognize. Makes you start to question sociopathy or psychopathy or, you know, narcissism. But it's like someone flipped a switch, and suddenly she was someone different. And he was compelled to call me because he had read or had seen some of my videos that were on this topic that I had experienced some of these things similar to what he was experiencing. And so we had a really good conversation about it.
This is something that I think we're all vulnerable to, especially at the beginning stages of a relationship. We tend to overlook those red flags because we're caught up in the joy, the experience, the happiness, the, the sex, you know, the emotion associated with a new relationship. And that unfortunately really costs us in the long run. So today I really want to get into some of the details of what are the telltale signs that you're not just dealing with someone who might be a little depressed or a little anxious, but maybe someone who's got something much more going on. Something that back in the olden days they would have said she's possessed. She's got the evil spirits, because those evil spirits will up your life in a big way unless you stop it. Unless you just get her out of your life.
Lying and reality distortion. So, when she's not giving you the straight story, that's the first sign you need to watch for. It's an easy one to pick up on. Um, she's going to try to twist everything into a, uh, a narrative that fits what her story, what she wants you to believe about her. It can be subtle at first, but you just got to keep watching for it. Everyone kind of stretches the truth from time to time, you know, but when you see that is a consistent pattern and she's not being completely honest with what's happened in her past or what's happening right now in your lives, that's a that's a red flag. You need to get her out.
Gaslighting. Obviously, that's a sign of narcissism. If you're seeing something that just doesn't seem right and she's denying that it ever even happened and you're swearing that it did, you know, maybe it happens once and you're like, "Okay, maybe I was off. Maybe I didn't get it. Maybe I didn't see it right." But when it happens repeatedly, when you see it two, three, four, five times, that's that's a problem. You cannot have that in your life. That's something that's going to cost you in a big way. I don't care how hot she is. You know what's funny about crazy people is they're hot. You know, and uh, we we've all seen the hot crazy matrix, so we know what that's like. Yeah. Hot and crazy go together. And uh, narcissists have great charisma, you know. Oh man, I just walked into a spiderweb. That's the bad thing about being in the woods first thing in the morning. Um, but yeah, you are going to regret having that relationship with a hot crazy one cuz she um will not change. This is not something this is a pill is going to fix her. You need to just get away.
Playing the victim. This is a manipulation. Not taking responsibility for things that happen. Another manipulation. Um, because if she's not taking responsibility, that means she's going to start blaming you. Now, she may not be blaming you yet, but if she's not taking responsibility for things that are happening in her life, you better believe that she's going to be blaming you before long. So, red flag. Do not accept that in your life.
Um, guilt tripping. This is a huge one. Anyone who wants to blame you or to, um, make you feel like you're less than or like you have failed them in some way, uh, is someone that you need to get away from because it goes right along with not accepting responsibility. Cuz what they're really doing here is they are laying expectations on you for their happiness or their whatever. And then when you're not meeting whatever expectation they set up, they're blaming you for it. And when you don't achieve that, well, then you get the guilt trip. So, that's not a not a healthy, uh, characteristic at all. And you definitely do not want that in your life.
This next one is a really huge one, and it's got a cluster of behaviors that you need to watch for, but lack of empathy has got to be the single most significant factor when identifying evil behavior. Because someone who does not have the ability to have compassion or a sense of what it feels like to be another person is dangerous. If they lack empathy, they're capable of anything. That's the kind of thing that, um, psychopaths have. I know they say narcissism is a big part of that and they have it too. And I would have to say that narcissists are probably evil, and you just don't want to have them in your life at all. So, if you say you're dismissing your feelings, mocking other people, um, not recognizing when someone else is feeling pain, all of these things are red flags. You just need to make sure you don't have those kinds of behaviors in anyone that you have a relationship with.
Control and dominance behaviors are things you need to watch for. The first step is to isolate you from those people who care about you and those people who you depend on. Um, moving you away from them makes you more and more dependent on the psychopath. So, you definitely need to be aware of that. If she's trying to remove you from your friends and your family and make you more and more dependent on her, that's a giant red flag. You cannot allow that in your life.
Constant criticism is another one. This is a way that they start to mess with your head by constantly giving you negative feedback about whatever it is that you're doing without recognizing your successes. This criticism is a way for them to, um, make you feel like you are trying to win their, um, approval. And as you try to get their approval, you are going to be submitting to their will, to their desires, and you will slowly lose control over your own ability to make decisions because all those decisions are going to be based on their approval of you, and that is going to ruin your life.
If you see that they have a sense of entitlement, that's also a big red flag. Um, again, that's just putting a demand on you that you're not good enough and that they are entitled to all the best that the life has to their lives have to offer. And if you're not measuring up, then obviously they're putting more and more pressure on you. So that sense of entitlement is more than just, you know, social media FOMO and that sort of stuff. It's much more significant.
And then finally, when they are creating and then thriving in a conflict environment. So they're creating an environment that you're always at odds with one another. And they seem to thrive in it. They seem to enjoy that sense of combativeness. And at first you think, okay, this is going to be fun cuz we'll have makeup sex. And maybe in the beginning it can be like that, but in the long run it turns into something much, much darker.
The next thing you need to watch out for are destructive behavioral patterns. And these are patterns that cause harm to themselves or to the people around them. These are the kinds of things that psychopaths and sociopaths do. They feel this impulse to cause antisocial behavior. I remember once I was, um, I was running an errand in a little strip mall near my house and I parked my car and got out and was going into the store when someone in the parking lot started yelling at me. I turned around and there's this woman in this car, um, just right behind my car and she's screaming at me that I need to move my car. Now I'm already out. I'm on the sidewalk next to the store. I said, "I'm just running in here real quick. I'll be right out." She said, "That's my parking spot." And I said, as I went and I looked, there's no name on it. There's no private parking sign. I said, "It looks like public parking to me. There's no indication." She says, "That's where I always park." I'm like, "Oh my god, I am dealing with a nutcase." Anyway, I just ignored her, went into the store, came back out, and realized that she had run her key around on my car's paint. She had keyed my car. Now, fortunately, she was still there and, um, there was a witness to it. So, I was able to prove that she had done it and she was forced to repay me. I had to call the cops and go through this whole mess. But that is the behavior of a psychopath or a sociopath. They have this impulse to behave in ways that just don't make sense.
Now, I know a lot of you guys are thinking, "Wait, John, how do normal guys get involved with people like this?" And you know how these things happen. You know, you fall for a girl because she's hot; you, one thing leads to another, things start getting physical. Um, you start sharing your innermost thoughts and your emotions and all that and next thing you know, you are in love with somebody who is a nut job. Now, are you, you really in love or you just convincing yourself in love? I mean, we can debate that on another video. I would suggest that you're just, you know, convincing yourself of this fact. But once you start to believe that, you're sucked in and next thing you know, she's got control over you and she's going to start revealing all these bad behaviors. And then you have got to just recognize it for what it is and get out while you can.
Other behaviors that are going to be really concerning: she dehumanizes other people. This is a huge red flag. She's using people like objects, like tools to achieve her outcomes, her goals, whatever they might be. These are things that obviously are, are, um, problematic. You've got to pay attention in order to identify it for what it is because she may be joking about it and laughing it off, but really these are really, really bad behaviors.
Operating in secrecy. People who have, um, sociopathic tendencies usually know it. They know they're not normal. And so they're going to try to keep as much of the stuff secret from you as possible. If you see that she's keeping secrets or she's behaving in ways that are secretive, that's a huge red flag. And this is one that I know a lot of you guys are going to say, "Well, all women meet this criteria."
Never showing remorse, will not apologize. And I know this is a a typical female behavior. I mean, women just do not seem to want to apologize ever. But this goes to another level. This is when, um, you know, under no circumstances will she take accountability for her behaviors and even when you call, you you catch her red-handed at something, um, and it clearly has caused you pain or discomfort or something and she's unwilling to accept responsibility for it and apologize for it. Yeah, that's a red flag.
So, how do you avoid running into these people? The first thing you need to do is listen to your gut. When something doesn't feel right about someone, chances are something's wrong. Your instincts will pick up on it before you consciously recognize it in people, but your gut will give you that sense that there's something wrong with this person.
Second thing is you need to set very firm boundaries around these people. If there's someone that you can't escape, say you have to work with this person or something like that, then you need to get really clear with yourself first and then with them about what the boundaries are with this relationship and where it's going and where it's not going. Otherwise, they will try to manipulate you. They will try to take control. That's just what they do. You do not need to explain your boundaries. Do not justify them. You don't need to let them know why you think they're a whack job. Just set the boundaries and try not to explain yourself. Expect that you're going to get backlash from them. They are absolutely going to push back against you when you set boundaries. Um, hold firm. You just have to hold firm no matter what. You cannot allow them too close to you because the closer they get, the more power they get. The more power they get, the more they're going to screw up your life. Don't let it happen to you.
If you're in a relationship with one of these people, you need to start documenting everything. Especially if you're in a marriage, you got to document and disconnect from them. The documentation is critical because these people see the world from a different perspective. They live in an imaginary world and they will make up. You need to bring in witnesses. You need to get your friends involved. Get your family involved. Tell them what you're going through. Tell them what this person is like. If this person is your wife, God help you. But you need to document. Document, document everything. If you can record stuff on your phone, get voice recordings. Get their bad behavior documented. Um, keep a record of all of their incidents. Um, if you've got children with someone like this, then you're going to have to expect that you're going to need a presentation in court to get custody of your children because you do not want your children to be raised by this person. And to do that, you're going to need to have extremely good records, extremely good documentation, and witnesses to back you up. But you have to get your children away from this person.
If you were in a marriage with her, you're going to have to reconnect with your friends and family obviously to help create that insulation around you, especially if you've been isolated from them since this relationship began. That's a critical part of this process. It'll help you rebuild your identity, get back into who you were. That's another critical step in this process. Um, you have to assume that you have been through a psychological trauma with this person and you're going to need probably some professional help to undo some of the damage that was done because, um, these things run deep, especially if you're in a romantic relationship, a loving relationship with someone who has these behaviors. This evil, um, has long-lasting effects. It's not something that you just get over really quickly. I know that the, um, temptation to just walk away and think everything's going to be fine is really strong, but you have to go with the assumption that there's more going on here than meets the eye and you're going to have to take steps to protect yourself in the short term and more importantly in the long term.
The most important takeaway from today's conversation is to help you guys recognize that evil people do exist. I know that we like to use labels like psychopathy, psychopathy, sociopathy, narcissism, you know, bipolar. Um, all these labels that psychiatrists and psychologists have come up with are terrific. But really what it comes down to in reality is that you're experiencing some level of evil in your life. And when that evil gets out of control and it starts infringing upon your mental health and your peace of mind and your ability to live the life that you want to live, then you've got to take steps to, um, eliminate it. You cannot have this existing in your presence. Um, you've got to have your radar up because these people are very attuned to their own problems and they're going to try to suck you in to their lives before they expose themselves as who they really are. You're not going to be able to recognize it right off the bat. They're going to be really trying to camouflage their behaviors. So, you're going to have to really be keenly aware when you see these things.
All right, you guys. That's all I got for you today. I certainly hope you've enjoyed this video. If you have, please like and subscribe. If you know someone who might be in a relationship with someone who you think is evil, please send them this video. Maybe it'll help them. Maybe it'll shake them loose to maybe seek out some help. All right. Stay healthy if you can. Stay single.