Transcription
Welcome.
If you've picked up this book, the chances are you're curious about open relationships. Perhaps you've already stumbled face first into one, wondering what the hell just happened. Or you may be years into a polyamorous life, but are finding yourself mired in relationship discomfort. In any instance, you're in the right place.
What follows is not a manifesto or a guide to getting polyamory right. Spoiler, none of us do. Instead, it's a collection of hard-earned lessons, cringe-worthy mistakes, tender repairs, and surprisingly funny stories from those of us who dare to love more than one person at a time. Some of our experiences went beautifully. Others went about as well as trying to eat soup with a fork.
In crafting this book, I interviewed 100 people who identify as open. I wanted to ensure that the views represented are from a collective of adults who range across the spectrum from monogamous to poly, single to couple, old, young, and across all sectors of socioeconomics. My aim for this book is to represent a collective to be as supportive as possible to everyone navigating the complexities of love.
Even as I write this, I am recovering from a relationship whirlwind. A tumultuous journey through marriage, family, and love that has challenged my understanding of relationships in unexpected ways. It all began when I fell for a new lover. My husband, displaying surprising generosity, encouraged me to explore this new connection. What followed were wildly romantic jet-set weekends filled with passion and the thrill of new love.
Yet, as with many open relationships, the path was also fraught with challenges. I faced moments of heartbreak and confusion. Realizing that navigating open relating is not always smooth sailing, I learned that love, while abundant, also comes with risks and emotional upheaval. What a perfect motivation for writing this book. I share these raw experiences to highlight the complexities of love and connection, underscoring the reality of open relating, hence the title polyagamy.
Open relating, whether it's polyamory, swinging, ethical non-monogamy, or relationship anarchy, comes in many flavors. It's messy. It's human. And it reveals sharp edges we didn't know we had. As a result, we can get cut and we can bleed. It can be both glorious and excruciating, often within the same week.
I've named this book Polyagony because most of the wisdom out there skips over the part where we fall flat on our faces. I didn't want to do that. This book is about the fuckups, the paper cuts, the FOMO, the spirals, the "oh shit, I thought I was fine with that" moments. If you can see the pitfalls before you step into them, or at least laugh when you're ankle deep, that's half the battle.
When I set out to write polyagamy, I recognized a gap in accessible education on open relating. As this way of living and loving gains traction and becomes more widely accepted, the resources and guidance available have not kept pace. And while there are excellent books and podcasts and knowledgeable poly-informed therapists, the conversation about the challenges we face remains underexplored. That's where I come in.
With over a decade of experience in open relating and countless relationships, some triumphant, others fraught with missteps, I've gathered a wealth of experience to share and stories from countless others to fill in the gaps. I approached this discussion with a light-hearted spirit, encouraging you to laugh at our collective follies and your own as we navigate the beautiful mess of relationships.
If you choose to embark on this journey of open relating, you will screw up. You will face challenges just as we all do. Whether in monogamous relationships or otherwise, what will keep you grounded through these trials is a commitment to your values and a sense of humor. Life is a grand social experiment, and we're all doing the best with the tools we have.
I recently had a conversation with a good friend, former co-author, and clinical psychologist Chris, who offered a refreshing perspective on polyamory. When I shared the essence of this book, he declared, "Well, I'm polyamorous. Aren't we all?" As I have married and raised multiple children, my love has expanded with each new addition. His word struck a chord, highlighting a fundamental truth. Love is not a finite resource.
This book explores that idea, presenting insights for anyone considering opening their relationship, whether it's to a new romantic partner, a fresh connection, or even to a new family member. The lessons within these pages are meant to transcend the specifics of polyamory and resonate with anyone navigating the complexities of love.
So take a breath, grab a notebook, and maybe a drink. Join me as I explore the triumphs, train wrecks, and tender truths of open relating. You're not alone in the agony, and you're certainly not alone in the joy. Together, let's learn, grow, and navigate this beautifully complex tapestry of love. Welcome to the adventure.