Transcription
[Music] I'm just here to have not started to tape or nothing yet. I just was, I wanted wanted to walk through the audience and [ __ ] and get the thing. That's the thing. If I feel like walking through is the rope, it's a snake rope. Oh, thank you. Awesome. Fifty dollar fine for smoke, I can handle it. No, I was really comfortable. See, white folks take everything from here. I was smoking a bit of joints, ain't no fine for that. Yes, I'm here. I'm going to do a stand-up on the TV show and I'm not going to edit. And so a lot of people here might be offended, so you should leave now. Cause I'm gonna say [ __ ] and suck and [ __ ] and doo-doo. No, because you know the people, this is my last show and the people say like I was uh cancelled and that's [ __ ] [ __ ]. Didn't cancel me. Oh, and let me say it so they can get on the air. I was not cancelled. So they didn't have a little cut to make, you know. And [ __ ] no, it was not cancelled. Now, this is uh, we were only supposed to do four shows. This is the last show and uh, that's it. And and I'm getting my ass out of here. No, they'll make you kill a [ __ ] up in here, boy. With the [ __ ] they be telling [ __ ] like you can't do that. Say what the [ __ ] you mean? I was going to do a thing about [ __ ] and mothers. They called up the [ __ ] expert. I swear I ain't lying, man. They got NBC got a [ __ ] call for the gay liberation. They call up, you know what is the [ __ ] expert? They call him a safe. Well, this will be a fancy. The [ __ ] say, I think that's very fancy. And then they call me up and tell me, you can't do that. I said, oh, all right. Now, who the [ __ ] you call up, white boy? Uh, well, um, we, um, uh, no, I said, what's the nigga's name that you call up when the [ __ ] is wrong? Well, uh, we, it doesn't matter, really. We've never cared about colored people. Why should we start now? Is, is are colored people gay? So [ __ ] is funky, boy. They be funky. So, uh, I'm gonna do a little stand-up thing here and I wanted to do Mud Bone. And Mud Bone had told me, hang on. My mom, black woman with a Gucci bag. Get out, mama. We know how to style. Boost your ass off.
[Laughter]
So, but I want to do, I need a stool. If uh, can uh, props bring me up a stool? And you might get on TV, make some money. A little stool here because Mud Bone like to sit down. Mud Bone was old man. I meant in Peoria, where I'm from. I'm from Peoria. Was the old man. Oh, thank you. Thanks for that little applause. But he was interesting, you know. He was a retired. And he was a white boy bringing me a chair. Don't look like nothing like a stool. But the [ __ ] got a chair. See, white boys do their work, boy. He'll bring a chair. You ask a [ __ ] [ __ ]. Yeah, here's a stew. [ __ ] sit on that. Mud Bone ain't used to sitting in [ __ ]. Just come and mic walk out.
[Applause]
White folks doing the mic and [ __ ] made it for a short [ __ ] too. See, Mud Bone and the pricing would run in Mississippi. And I know them well, you know. Any any dips now, you know. And he sit around in front of the pool hall barbecue pit and he spit in a can. That's the one I need, boy. Bring that up here because this here is uncomfortable. I ain't used to sitting in [ __ ] like this. Happening. This is what I need. Hey, I'm gonna start all over now. Let me adjust it. So let me go down. He had an old Maxwell House coffee can with the top cut off of it and he spit in it. See, and he talks [ __ ] like that guy, you know. That was his job, spitting and talking. Because I never seen him do no what. But he tell me fascinating story and just uh, as they say nowadays, he freaked me out.
[Applause]
What, what the hell you talking about? The clean starters, clean. You can get [ __ ]. I ain't worried about television. My bone don't give a [ __ ].
[Applause]
I remember the time I come up to you. Oh, you're young man then. I come off. Yeah, I was adventurously and I've been traveling. Ready Zane Grey was my favorite. See, I know about traveling. So I've read about him. He was all right with me, you know. But the Indians lost too much. But I liked them, you know. I read them shoot them up every day. So I learned how to read. Mahalia Thompson taught me how to read before I could get some [ __ ]. She said, if you can read,
[Applause]
When you learn how to read this note I gave you, you can get some budget. And she gave me a note and I, I learned how to read. And no said, no, you can't have not. That was the first thing I ever ran. You know, it took me two years to find out I couldn't get none.
[Applause]
But she did now. So [ __ ] up, you know.
[Applause]
But I was born in two below Mississippi and I come up here. It was accident cause I lived in Mississippi. I worked on a plantation. What they used to call them. And they, you young people don't know nothing about dancing. The plantations I worked on in Mr. Johnson's plantation. He's a good old white man. He's a white fire. Yeah, I know he was fair. But he had a son named Junior. Now, he was hard to wipe by because he caught guys. That's right. Eyes went every what you wearing. And we caught him cockeyed union, you know. And he was hard to work for because he said, hey, [ __ ] pick that up. You know, four or five [ __ ] been down cause you didn't know who he's looking at. You know, I'm talking about like one day he was gonna get mad. Junior gonna get mad. And mad a woman at this one of them uh woman mad contest they had a book. You know, you you write for your bride. You know, he wrote, showed me the picture. You know, I looked and I laughed. But not out loud. Well, [ __ ] that's what he wanted. He caught guys. He ugly. What the hell?
[Applause]
And they sent me to the depot to pick up, you know. I wanna that's when they had the steam in your train, you know. You go pick them up. I went up there. I rolled up in the horse ginger. I had the bucket. Took ginger because she's the best one to ride because she wouldn't trot on you, you know. She got up good, you know. Other ones break into a trot, you know, with farting in your face, you know. Nothing worse than a harsh fart in your face. I mean, I can take a lot of [ __ ], but a hard spot in my face because they fought last for three or four miles.
[Applause]
Santa Maria or somebody. So I rode to the devil. It took me about an hour and a half to get there. And pretty damn, you know, them, you smell a honeysuckle and everything, you know. I got that train come hooting it. And she stepped off the train. [ __ ] weighed about 480 pounds.
[Applause]
You know, when I was sitting in the in the buggy, I said, oh, Jesus of money. Well, I went to help off the train. What have you? And she had some luggage there. They just chunked the luggage off the train, you know. They said, get rid of this [ __ ] just like that, you know. I bent down to pick up a lesson. Uh, excuse me, ma'am. Are you here to marry Cockeyed Junior? And she had an attitude. I'm my god. Said, what are you? The lady I'm here to pick up? You know, I bent down to pick her [ __ ] up. The [ __ ] slapped me upside down. Yeah, a good one. Y'all popped up. I said, what goddamn, what the [ __ ] [ __ ]? You know. And [ __ ] wasn't allowed to have hair in them days. With just plain skin, you know. Hurt the [ __ ] out of me, you know. I said, okay, yeah, I accept that. And I said, well, let me help you in the background. I don't need you up there getting. She stepped in the bucket of the goddamn thing. Cranked over on it. And I started laughing and [ __ ] you know, to myself. You ever try to laugh this up like that?
[Applause]
I gotta also just from laughing at our house. So I tanked the buggy over. And conductor, I heard the conductor said, that's a little [ __ ] ain't shaving. And the white folks start laughing, you know. I didn't laugh with them though. Because they trick a [ __ ]. See, they now they start laughing and you join in and they get your ass out there. So I accept that, you know. So I get into bugging on home. We ride 20, 30 minutes. And she hit me upside down again. One of these good ones. Sound like a bullet. Said, hey.
[Applause]
You know, but I'm thinking all, you know, we get home where we're going. I introduce it to a fencer, you know. Help out the bucket too big. And I had to hold tight because she's strong, you know. She stepped down. All these muscles were torn loose. And [ __ ] she walked around and stuff. Talked to her husband real nasty. Well, where the bedroom? Where do we go? You know, what you got to do? Guys, Junior pointed to the wrong place, you know. He pointed all out in the field. We had to move his hand over. That's where. So they in there that night doing it. We had to listen, you know. We're in there doing. He didn't do no damage, but he was in there making noise, you know. Then they're hollering, ah, Britney was hollering. He stuck his dick in the lantern, you know. What he didn't know it was hot. [ __ ] you didn't know. People say, [ __ ], Junior, you're in big trouble. You know, burn all the head off of it.
[Applause]
[Music]
So that was some funny [ __ ]. No one day. So I remember I fixed a trap for her ass for hitting me upside the head. She had to go to the outhouse, you know. I knew that because I saw her eat dinner. She ate four pounds of greens, you know. Eight tons of turnouts, you know. I said, yeah, I got her ass now. She'd be out there any minute now. And I fixed it up. I cut the bottom of my house, you know. So she come running out there. Where's that daddy? Where's it at? He pointed it. So she went the opposite direction. That's how she knows she right, you know. And she went sit down. The [ __ ] thing fell loose and she fell in the sack poop. So I laughed my ass off. I wasn't mad at her ass no more. Boy, they don't know how to laugh because Junior wasn't laughing with the [ __ ] when he come out there. Now he caught eyes and all wrong. He come running out there. He tripped his ass in there too. See, fell on top of it. Then they had to call the fire department to pull them out, you know. And I came up now after that, you know. I got an attractive drove up now. 782 miles on one tank again. Hey, boy, come empty this out for me on the curb. Well, [ __ ] I'll give you 50 cents. So I come up here because I liked it up north. I heard about it. I come up him. It was in 1927. I didn't want to come up. It was good up here then. When you come up north because they didn't have too many [ __ ] up here. They like to see a [ __ ] that's a [ __ ] pop. They went crazy down south. They had a bunch of them. They didn't care about them. Before I come up, you know. And that's when I met my partner, Old Bubba. Bubba was a bad [ __ ]. I mean, that [ __ ] was bad, you know. I think he would four or five policemen and take their badge downtown. That's right. He should take their gun because they beat the [ __ ] out of him with them clubs. He was something else. [ __ ] lies. [ __ ] told me some lies. Never you ever heard the lie about the [ __ ] with the big dick? You never heard that? Star [ __ ] with the biggest dicks in the wild, right? Well, two [ __ ] had the biggest dicks in the wilderness. Well, they're gonna have a contest. Say who the [ __ ] with the bigger dicks. So they decide to go to the Golden Gate Bridge and see who got the bigger dick. They're gonna have a contest. And they didn't want to do it in front of a bunch of people. They're gonna do it in private on a Golden Gate Bridge. So one [ __ ], he zip his pants down and whoop it out there. Throw it over the bread. All the [ __ ] zip it down, whip it over there. And they, they standing about five minutes, you know, seeing who got the longest one. [ __ ] fine. He said, goddamn, man, it's why the coal. The other [ __ ] say, yeah, the deep too.
[Applause]
[ __ ] got in big trouble though, you know. He was [ __ ] with a girl from New Orleans. And I told him about [ __ ] with her because she could put that voodoo on his ass, you know. Put the mojo on him, you know. But he kept [ __ ] with him. [ __ ] winner. You don't chip in every now and then. That's right. Chipping, right? You know, the way same [ __ ] you'll be doing. But this [ __ ] would chip it up on a hunting, you know. That's right. Cause this [ __ ] put something on his ass, man. I saw the [ __ ] about a year later. And the [ __ ] was sick. His eyes was bleeding. Blood coming out his hair. Dripping down like this. Dandruff's falling out his ear and his chin. And Adam's apple kept jumping out like that. Down. [ __ ] weighed about 102 pounds. I looked at the [ __ ]. [ __ ]. Who am I? I said, how much [ __ ]? I know. I said, you damn sure in Santa Claus.
[Applause]
Because if any presents been given out, you got them all, bro.
[Applause]
Hey, you know, he come talk to me about 15 minutes. Basically, he couldn't talk because he couldn't sit long enough. Had to pause. He couldn't sit. He said, well, I got to get up now.
[Applause]
I said, what happened to the girl from Louisiana? And then put a height on them. So I went in the house. And she had two fox over the door with some okra on it. And I knew right. I said, oh, [ __ ], that's your ass now. I said, with the seeds out. She said, get goddamn right. That's a show sign, you know. But I knew a voodoo woman lived across town named Miss Rudor. Oh, I drove the [ __ ] over time. You know, it wasn't but five dollars in them days, you know, to get cured. I didn't have no money. I made him pay for it. But [ __ ] I drove him on the [ __ ] feet swole up and everything. Drove him over there. [ __ ] was funny though. Every time I hit a bump, he cried. Say, partner, I'm doing the best I can. You know, [ __ ] you know. I let him out of the car. I said, come on, let's go in the house. You're not going to say [ __ ]. No, not me. So I got to go knock on the door. And I'm scared of dark and [ __ ] you know. But I'm gonna go knock on the door. [ __ ] that's my partner, you know. I knock on the door. Tip of the top. Tip it happens. And she opened the door. And she flew it open, you know. And the [ __ ] rushed out the house like this. Damn near knocked me to my knees. I had to grab hold the crate out of the doors. And Jesus, please help me. And I passed out for just a couple of seconds. And I opened my eyes. And this big [ __ ] and standing up there naked. And big fat [ __ ]. And you can't see no [ __ ]. That's how big she is. There's a bunch of me across here. And I ain't got the biggest titties in the world. I'm talking about humongous. And they got tattoo on each tip.
[Applause]
One titty winking at your ass. And the other titty talking about how I am.
[Applause]
And I start praying right away. Jesus, how much? I mean, you know. Oh, [ __ ]. I'm a Christian. I don't know what the [ __ ] she talked about, you know. Well, I must have made the right sign because she let me come in, you know. Crawl in. I didn't get up, you know. And the [ __ ] [ __ ] was in that stinking boy. And I get it. I said, Miss, I know Miss Rudolph. I heard about you. Please don't hurt me. And she said, my height, I ain't nobody. What you want? You know, she's irritated. You watch him out like that. And she did that. And dust and [ __ ] flew out of arms.
[Applause]
I said, boy, I must love this [ __ ] to do this. Yeah, I started to cut him loose there two, three times. But [ __ ] can't run. I run that car. We brought over, you know. But I get in there and I talk to explain the situation. She said, you know, I'm gonna help you. And, um, I said, well, how much money? [ __ ] I don't want no money. I ain't like that. Whatever you heard, I don't need no money, you know. Him. She said, all I want from you is Thanksgiving. Bring me by a turkey. That's all the payment I want, you know. And I'm thinking to myself, well, [ __ ] [ __ ] this [ __ ]. I'm going to trick her ass. You'll never get no ticket for me. [ __ ] cause it was July then, you know. Yeah, sure. I'll bring you a tuggy, baby, you know. About that time, a big old tarantula crawled up my arm. Went around my neck. I damn that [ __ ] all myself. Went down this arm and jumped on the table, you know. What I mean? I start trying to stop that mother. I put my hand on top and prep real hard. I lift my hand up. The goddamn trance was gone. I said, oh, blood. I said, what happened to the tarantula? She said, well, that's all right. If you don't bring me that turkey, you'll see him again. Well, [ __ ] got a turkey coming for us. I'm concerned. I don't give a [ __ ]. In 1979. So I get my party in the house. I love him though. What that [ __ ] was talking about. Get him in the house. Then a bat come out. Start flying around the room. Bugs start crawling over the floor. And the bat just [ __ ] all over everything. And it wasn't bad enough. The [ __ ] had a three-legged monkey. A little ugly square like monkey. Come out with a little hand like this. And be grabbing your ears. And [ __ ] like this. And my partner's feet hurt so bad. He couldn't do nothing. I slapped that monkey at 440 feet. I knocked this [ __ ] out there.
[Applause]
Bit me on the finger like that. My finger swole up like this. Huh. And the pus run out this hand. I left that monkey alone. And the monkey had three legs. That's what scared me, you know. Cause I saw the other leg around her neck. She wore it as a chain. And had that little monkey foot. She waving at you, you know. She weighed that monkey back on my shoulder. I said, oh, [ __ ]. Monkey sat up there. I talked to her, you know. [ __ ]. She said, I understand. She had some cards. She turned over, you know. Three or four cars. She turned over and mix them up. Threw a little rice over her shoulder. Had some salt. And she ate it by the ounce of salt. She just swallowed it, you know. I know she don't need to be [ __ ] with them, you know. And she said, I understand your problem. Understand your problem. Understand your problem. That's where she would've had a rhythm. I understand you probably understand your problem, you know. And I thought that she had a head rag on. It was a hair.
[Applause]
Understand your problem. And she said, I'm gonna fix it up. Because my partner's feet hiking hurting bad. [ __ ] got feet looked like he got elephant tires by the feet swole up. His feet. Well, I'll tell you what his feet look like. Have you ever seen an empty barrel? Well, that's what his feet look like. Looked like the bottom of the empty bear. All the way. So the [ __ ] sat up there. And his feet hiked and looked like cushions. Every time he pounced, it height a little bit. Because his toe was on the bottom. See, funny thing about feet. They got the top and the bottom. And they're hiding baddies. I wanted to laugh, but I didn't call. I like, you know. And she brought out a bedpan about this big. Little round. Yes, ma'am. She did. If I'm lying, I'm flying. She brought it out like this. Him. And she said, a few magic wand like. Then she pissed. She pissed in the pan. Did you hear what I said? And she pissed for 15 minutes. And I don't mean no ordinary piss. I'm talking about strong ammonia piss. She all realized that room. When this pen just came up like that. My god, I can't stand it, you know. And she said, a few more words. Zaba, zabo, whatever, you know. Then she told my partner, said, put your feet in the pits. They had to carry me out. Then this [ __ ] put his feet in that piss. I'm through. Well, I guess nothing from nothing, leave nothing. Cause the [ __ ] put his feet in the pit. I had to lift his foot up. One of them fit in there. I thought the other one's gonna fit in. I said, oh, my god. The [ __ ] gonna piss some more. I had to push his feet down in the pit like that, you know. Covered up. Got a little on my hands. I don't care, you know. And she said, a few words over. And the piss come next to smoking. The lights start blinking. The monkey jumped out the window. Went crazy. And the piss tank blue. I swear to give the pit. I said, oh, my god. Cause I ain't never seen no blue piss. I said, man, look at the pants. He said, yeah, blue. Well, he took his feet out to the piss. And they was healthy. The boy had healthy feet. But they were real tan. The [ __ ] had baby feet. And he looked down at his feet. [ __ ] went for zike. Threw the couch out the window. Kicked that big [ __ ] in the air. He kicked him in the ass. Needed a new pair of cap. Bit of ear off. Slapped me in the face. Started my car up. Drove around the block. Came back. Jumped in the house. The [ __ ] was [ __ ] up. I'm telling you. Went outside. Ate the monkey's foot. Shouldn't have done that though. Cause that monkey's foot went to work on his hair. [ __ ] him up real bad. I'm telling you now. If you go to the zoo, you'll see that [ __ ]. He's a big polar bear with little tiny feet. Wait a minute. [ __ ] [ __ ]. Ain't over yet. I ain't gonna leave you with what you know. I'm gonna bring something new to you. No, cause people ask me. They say, well, you know, so much about so you little. But I know stuff. I work hard all my life. Work 35, 40 years down the packing house, you know. I get a pension, you know. That's right. Because when you work that long, you're supposed to get a pain. I get a little like 120, 750 a month. That's what I get, you know. Retired [ __ ]. That's a big piece of paper. See, because I don't [ __ ] around much, you know. Pays my rent, you know. Do my business. And I have a little money left over, you know. Go to church. I love to go to church. When the church, I go to church. I go to the preacher. Let me tell you something. Every Easter, he done hell of a sermon. Reverend Jackson, boy. That [ __ ] preacher. He go to his chat. And on Easter, he does the resurrection. That he be in the casket. He come out in a casket. And he resurrected his ass out the casket. And he have a rope. They pull him on the rope. He come out to catch it. He float around like that. And does sermon.
[Applause]
Last year, the rope broke on his ass. Damn. Then killed himself. This year, I've been spending a little money. I hope he gets some piano wire or something. Something to hold his ass up down. I like that. I think that's fascinating, you know. I think kids ought to see that [ __ ]. You know, but didn't they land? They ought to see that [ __ ] float around the church. That's something to behold. I'm telling you. I don't do no bad stuff. I'm all right. I'm regular, you know. Get a little [ __ ] every now and then. 10 not [ __ ] then went up. You know, I used to get [ __ ] for about two dollars. You know how much push it cost nowadays? Because you're ten dollars. You got to pay two for the room. But [ __ ] I'd rather pay two dollars for the [ __ ] and keep the ten [ __ ] outside. And nowadays are different. You know, them girls give you that head. You know, that'll kill a [ __ ]. That head. I paid ten dollars for some head. And was so good. Just damn that killed me. I said, baby, I'll give you 40 if you quit. Thank you. Can we use any of this [ __ ] on TV? Thank you all very much.
[Applause]
Now here's the one for the TV. Hi there, guys. Gosh, Gigi Williams. You know, I've had an interesting life.
[Applause]
You know, I remember when I was just a little tyke, you know. And my mom and dad were really uptight, you know. I remember one time that my mom slapped me across the face and my teeth fell out.
[Applause]
Boy, what a bummer. I'll tell you. I remember the first time I ever heard my father say darn. What a trauma, man. Because we were Catholic.
[Applause]
But gosh golly, I just want to tell you. I'm having a no double entendre intended. You know, there was these colored guys that lived down the street from us. One of them had a sled and I had roller skates. I know it's a knee slapper, isn't it? Thank you and good night.
[Applause]
Here you have to be waiting for these mothers. Okay. With [Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
Hey y'all. These [ __ ] getting tired. Y'all through with the [ __ ]? No, but uh, that's about it. Does anyone have a mom cigarette?
[Applause]
[Music]
I would like to see a [ __ ] running to try to charge you 50 now.
[Applause]