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We've all had a friend say something we don't like. Whether it's a passive-aggressive comment or a playful insult that goes too far, it can be tough to know how to respond. So, in this video, we're going to cover three ways to handle it when a friend crosses the line and you want to stand up for yourself without starting a fight.
We'll start by breaking down a few examples with Jonah Hill. In this first clip, he's reacting to insults made by a paparazzi. It's an example of how not to react. He's publicly apologized for this one. A common reaction to being hurt by an insult is to fire back and insult yourself. This works if you're both joking, but it's a mistake if your intention is to be hurtful, especially with friends. Retaliating because your feelings are hurt sets you up to hurt the relationship and to the other friends around you. You might end up looking like the rude one, even if you didn't start it. It may feel good in the moment, but you'll almost always regret it.
Unfortunately for Jonah, he's been publicly insulted a lot. The good news is that over time, he's gotten better at handling it. Here's an example from later in life.
"But are you still considered the fat guy when you go to a party or anything now?"
Now, watch Jonah's response. This isn't the best response we'll cover today, but you can see the improvement.
"Are you the fat guy in Hollywood still? Or, or does everybody like look at you and they're like, 'Oh wow, you know, this is great. Now you're healthy.' Do you have any other questions that are smart?"
"I have a question because you're in Atlanta."
Most people insulting you are seeking something, whether it's attention, a laugh, or an emotional overreaction to punish the behavior he doesn't like. Jonah denies the guy what he wants: attention and an answer to his question. Sometimes with friends, this is the only strategy you need. Ignore the person and actively shift the focus to someone else in the group. Your goal is to remove any positive reinforcement of the behavior you don't like. And as Kobe once showed with Matt Barnes, sometimes not reacting is all it takes to look confident.
If that doesn't work, the next step is to draw a boundary. There are two types of boundaries: soft lines and hard lines. This next set of clips is an example of a soft line. First, check out how Jimmy Kimmel starts this interview.
"First of all, you smell good, which is surprising. Why is that still impressive?"
"I don't know. I just wouldn't think of you a guy who would have a nice scent on. Pretty strange start to an interview."
Jimmy tries to get a laugh with a backhanded compliment. Jonah doesn't like it, so watch how he responds.
"I'm going to really work hard to not take that as a shot, you know what I mean? Like, because I think you would smell nice. No, but I don't. I don't have time. No, no. Let's go back. Okay."
Jonah calmly and kindly calls out that he doesn't like Jimmy's comment. Then, when Jimmy starts to get uncomfortable and walk back his insult, Jonah fakes like he's going to drag this uncomfortable moment out, but then releases the tension and lets them move on. This is great because even if you're in the right, conflict makes people uncomfortable. So, other friends in the group will feel a desire to move past conflict just to escape their own discomfort. As an observer, that's why you calmly call out the behavior you don't like, and once it's clear that the message has been received, you move past it. You've established your boundary, and you've done it without alienating anyone else in the conversation.
If a soft line doesn't work, then you may need to put down a hard line. A hard line is one with explicit consequences. Here's a great example with Julian Assange. This is for more serious situations where someone does something you find truly unacceptable.
He's been told he's there to talk about documents that WikiLeaks released showing potential war crimes by the US. Instead, the interviewer asks about a personal investigation against him. He starts by calmly and firmly cutting her off and drawing a soft boundary.
"One aspect of that has been the legal situation for yourself in Sweden. You're now facing charges."
"I'm not going to talk about that in relation to this."
Now, watch what he does when she doesn't respect his soft line.
"But it does affect WikiLeaks."
"Yeah, but this interview is about something else. So, I, I will have to walk if you're—"
"Do you still— You would— If you're going to contaminate this extremely serious interview with questions about my personal life—"
Three things make this a good example of a hard line: he speaks calmly, he draws a clear boundary, and he explains why the boundary is important to him. Now, watch as she crosses his boundary. He stays firm in standing up for himself, but his calmness makes sure this doesn't escalate into a fight.
"This is an attack. It's completely, it's completely disgusting. I'm asking whether or not I'm going to walk if you're going to contaminate us."
"Revealing the deaths of 104,000 people."
When she still refuses to move on, he actually walks out. It's that simple. No need to yell or say anything negative about the other person. If someone does something you find unacceptable, calmly let them know. Let them know why it's a boundary for you, and let them know what the consequence will be if they do it again. If they cross your hard line, simply follow through on your word.
Now, with friend groups specifically, there tends to be a social hierarchy. The higher up you are, the more likely it is that people will respect the boundaries you draw. If you don't feel like your friends would respect your boundaries, you may benefit from our video, "Six Psychological Tricks to Command Respect Instantly." You can find it in the description and at the end of this video.
Now, what about situations where you aren't actually offended and you want to turn a potentially offensive comment into some friendly banter? There are three quick things you can do. The first is banter back. To highlight some tips on how to do this well, here's a quick example with Jay Leno and Louis C.K.
"I hope I can say this without insulting you."
"Yes, you are."
"No, you're the weirdest-looking person on the planet Earth."
"Thank you. Thank you. That doesn't— No, that doesn't help me at all."
A laugh and a "thank you" is a great way to show your confidence and that you aren't rattled by an insult. Now, watch how Jay follows up.
"I don't mean that as a negative. Not at all. It's just nobody— I can't describe the fact that I have a full head of hair. That's what's telling you."
"Well, that, yeah. You want to match their insult level."
Louis started with a negative comment on Jay's looks, so Jay matches it. If Louis had insulted Jay's shirt and Jay had insulted Louis's weight, that's much more likely to go poorly. When you match their insult level, it's more likely they'll react well. And even if they decide they like to dish it but they can't take it, it makes it very unlikely that anyone else in the group will consider you rude. Listen for this as they go back and forth again here.
"It's just, I just don't have to cover my chin because I'm proud of it."
"No, no, but go ahead. If you weren't famous and you robbed a bank and the dude was describing you to like a fleece sketch artist, yeah, he'd be like, 'No, seriously, what did he look like?'"
They're two for two on teases. They matched each other's insult level, both laughed, and neither got upset. That's what you're aiming for.
Now, what if someone says something potentially offensive and you want to be playful and fun, but you don't feel comfortable saying something potentially offensive back, or you just can't think of anything clever to say? There's a second thing you can do: fake offense. As an example, here's a clip with Anne Hathaway.
"Wait, have you lost to get into this shape right now?"
"You did not just ask me that."
"I'm just saying, you're like, 'What a forward young man you are.' My goodness. How much weight—"
"I'm not saying you needed to lose weight."
She fakes offense but signals it's not real with a big smile and the over-the-top facial expressions. This shows you have confidence to not be easily offended, and it doesn't require the same quick wit as Jay Leno's comebacks. When he doesn't pick up on the non-verbals, she even spells it out for him.
"I'm just saying that you look—"
"I know you have. All right, thank you very much. I'm sorry if I offended you."
"You didn't at all. I'm just messing with you."
If you find yourself completely blanking on anything to say, just being able to genuinely laugh when someone tries to insult you is enough to convey confidence. Some people don't like them, but Brendan Schaub is someone who does this very well.
"Dude, I don't think a lot of Indian kids look at you and be like, 'I wanna, you know, look like a French Paul Bunyan when I get older.' You know what I'm saying?"
[Laughter]
"Do you look like Paul Bunyan if he just drank champagne all day and never did any forestry?"
His ability to laugh when people take shots at him is probably why he hits it off so well with comedians like Theo Von and Joe Rogan, and it's a part of why he was able to make a successful career for himself after MMA. Being able to laugh at yourself projects confidence and makes it fun to be around.
All three of these are super simple, which illustrates how much easier it can be to handle an insult when you aren't actually offended. The hard part is developing the self-confidence to stay unrattled, no matter what anyone says about you. If that's something you'd like more help with, I think the fastest way to become confident in social situations is with our program, Charisma University. It's a step-by-step guided program guaranteed to give you more charisma and confidence in 30 days, and it's structured with a daily action guide, so there's no guesswork when it comes to learning these habits. You just follow the guide and you get the results.
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You'll see more success stories like these in the comments. If you do decide to join the course, it comes with a 60-day money-back guarantee, which is 100% for any reason at all. And that's 60 days, even though the course is only 30 days, just to make sure that every single member truly feels like they're getting a ton of value from the course. So, you either love it or you get your money back.
If you want to check out the course, go ahead and click the link on screen now or below in the description. We've had thousands of members go through this course and get a ton out of it, and I'd love for you to do the same. Either way, I hope you enjoyed this video, and I look forward to seeing you in the next one.
Also, special thanks to our editing team of Andre, Therese, and Ivan for all the hard work on this video.