Transcription
I seek refuge in Allah, the All-Hearing, the All-Knowing, from the accursed Satan, the stoned. In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful. Praise be to Allah, the Lord of the Worlds. And may Allah bless our master Muhammad and his pure and purified family. O Allah, bless Muhammad and the family of Muhammad.
Our master and our patron, the Commander of the Faithful, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, says in his will to his son, Imam Al-Hasan, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him: "And let not your family be the unhappiest of people because of you." Our master, the Commander of the Faithful, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, has spoken the truth.
This excerpt from the will of the Commander of the Faithful, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, came, as we said in the previous lesson, in the context of the Commander of the Faithful's discussion about friendship, friends, and relationships. Here, he moved from discussing external friendships to discussing relationships within the family and among relatives, and how a person should deal with them. Instead of elaborating and giving us, as they say these days, techniques, methods, and styles, the Commander of the Faithful condensed the speech into one sentence, saying: "And let not your family be the unhappiest of people because of you."
This opened up a question for us last week: Why are some people good outside the home, but as soon as they enter their homes, they transform into ferocious beasts? Cheerful and pleasant outside the home, but as soon as they enter their homes, they turn into misery and gloom. What is the reason for this? This is what led us to research this topic. We said that the reasons for this are many. One of them might be habituation; a person gets used to his home. Or it might be the reason of assurance. He says, "I am assured of my family." This is my wife, this is my sister, this is my brother, and so on. This is my son. So I am assured of them. Or there might be a third reason, which is emotional and moral exhaustion. This means that a person exhausts all his social and emotional strengths outside the home. When he reaches home, after the amount of power he has, his battery runs out a bit. So, at the door of the house, he is depleted and does not deal justly and with good behavior inside the home. Or it might be, and this is the fourth case, a pathological state where he lives a life of theater and backstage. The theater is outside the home; he must be presentable and act like a good person. But his true reality is revealed inside the home. These are four reasons, and perhaps there are other reasons.
Well, if we want not to be like that and to be among those who have skill in their dealings with their families at home and outside the home, we have discussed several matters in this lesson. We want to complete what we have discussed. We said that among the skills is to be a friend in your home. First, the external appearance, meaning that a person should be beautiful and presentable in his home, perfumed in his home, and not wear the worst clothes or worn-out garments in his home. Rather, in his home, he should be in the most beautiful appearance. And we talked about the narrations that speak about that.
Second, cheerfulness. The first people deserving of your smile are your family members. From morning, noon, afternoon, inside the house, going out of the house, you find the house with a smile. As the noble hadith says, "Your cheerfulness is from the snares of affection." One of the ways to ensnare is to offer it to the other party and befriend them by being cheerful with them, smiling. This is one.
Second, solid respect. We said that family relationships must be such that respect is not compromised in any circumstance, neither verbally, nor morally, nor physically. This respect ensures a good, long-term relationship.
And after empathy and tenderness, a person should be compassionate, affectionate, and loving with his family. This should be evident in him.
Fourth, generosity and initiative. A person should be generous with his family. His hand should be open. He gives. He has gifts, prizes, surprises, things that his family receives from him.
Fifth, teasing and joking. We said and narrated several hadiths from Imam Al-Sadiq, peace be upon him, that he was very humorous. The Commander of the Faithful, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, was criticized for that one day. They said, "Ali is like this and like that and like that, except that he has humor." Humor means he jokes, he plays, he makes lighthearted conversation with others. This is a required matter. It is not required for a person to be rigid and serious all the time. You with your family, with your relatives, you must be humorous, have humor, have a playful spirit. We also narrated some of the jokes and humor of the Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him and his family, with ordinary people, let alone his family, especially that old woman with the skin disease. And what did the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him and his family, say to her?
Well, today we want to complete several other points that are added to the points that have passed. But before completing, I want to point out an idea, and I believe this idea is very important. Relationships in general and their development do not require from a person a lot of effort. Developing a good relationship does not require high effort. It requires smart attention, not ordinary effort. Sometimes, you see a relationship lacking just one element, and this element is the cheapest of elements among all the efforts, but its absence spoils the whole dish. For example, if you go and buy ingredients to cook, what is the most expensive thing?
May peace be upon you. What is the most expensive thing? It could be the meats. And if you bring excellent oil, that also has its price. Gas has its price. Perhaps the cheapest thing in the cooking is salt, right? But if all of this is present without salt, what happens to the dish? What do you say? It's bland. We express it by saying it's bland, or spices, which are cheaper than the cheapest things in the cooking. But how can food be without spices?
May peace be upon you. Relationships are similar to that. Relationships do not require high effort from you, but rather they require smart effort that adds a touch to the relationship, like salt to food, or like that flavor they put on some drinks these days that young people like. It's just a flavor you add, but it completely changes the equation. So, the advice we offer is actually of this type. It's of the type of flavor, salt, and simple elements, but you will see that it makes a big difference in your dealings, whether in the family or outside the family.
Well, among the important points in the skills of relating to the family is visiting and meeting and showing care. This human visiting, human connection, is an important element for a deep and growing relationship. Visiting your brother, visiting your father, visiting your mother, visiting your sister, visiting other family members has a great impact. Thankfully, in societies like ours, we have a day for visiting, right? This day should be one of the sacred days in our lives. You program your life so that you give this day its due. You prepare for visiting, you greet everyone, you care for everyone, you spend time during this period. You live it. I will also talk about this topic in a bit more detail in the tenth point, at the end of the discussion about deep relationships, not superficial relationships. But what fosters good relationships and develops them, and a skill in family relations, is visiting. Sometimes, you see visiting even within the same house. Imagine, for example, your sister is in one room, and you are in another. You say to her, "I'm visiting you today." You go to her room with the intention of visiting. You say, "I'm visiting you, I'll greet you, and I'll sit with you." Or, depending on the houses and their arrangement and appearance, if there is a designated place for your mother, that's where she sits. You go and sit there and say, "Today, I'm visiting you." You bring tea with you, you bring biscuits, you bring something from the refreshments that also adds to the atmosphere. This is if it's within the family. As for outside the family, visiting among relatives is necessary. Narrations have urged this greatly. It is called in the narrations "visiting" (ikhtilaf), meaning one visits the other. "Ikhtilaf" here means meeting. Meeting means you arrange to go out together as family members. This is very important. Going out among family members creates vitality, connection, and affection among those present and develops the relationship.
Care. This means you show care for family members. Real care. Your sister truly feels that you care about her. Your mother feels that you care about her. Your brother feels that you care about him. You know his affairs. Some brothers, perhaps you ask them, "What grade is your brother in?" He doesn't know. He doesn't know what grade his brother is in. Does he have a problem? What is his interest? You ask him, for example, "What are your brother's interests?" What sport? He doesn't have one. Why isn't he talking about it? He's not focused. His interest is not understood. He doesn't understand his brother's or sister's personality. When does he get surprised by this? When he later hears from others, "Oh, your brother won such-and-such a prize." He's not aware of this. He's not aware of where he was that he didn't know about it. He has this dimension. So, among the techniques or skills of a good relationship among family members is visiting, meeting, and showing care. That a person shows care for the other party. This is the sixth, completing the series we started.
Seventh, social responsibility. What is meant by social responsibility? You want to have a vibrant family. There must be someone in every family who is the energetic one, the one who bears social responsibility. Be that person. What does bearing social responsibility mean? Visiting. You are among the first to care about it. A trip to a chalet, a camp, a picnic, a park, or something like that. You are the one who cares. You are the one with a social initiative within the family framework. You are the one who arranges the outing, the gathering. You are the one who cares about the needs of the family members. This is a type of skill for developing friendships and strong family ties. Be that person, and be that girl. You see, even in some families, the girl is the one who serves the food, brings the dessert, and coordinates among those present, and so on. This is a skill in developing, let's call it, social responsibility. More than that, as social responsibility, it means you care about the needs of the family members. You have brothers who have a problem. You be the first one to offer to be close to them. "What can we help with? How can we solve it?" Brother, sister, mother, father. I mean, I'm talking horizontally and vertically. Son of a brother, son of a sister. You be the one who cares. What do you call this? Social responsibility. So, social responsibility means that a person has a spirit, in quotation marks, of leadership in the family. Not dominating the family, not wanting to be the leader of the family. No, he wants to be that servant who serves all family members, in the manner of their master. "The master of a people is their servant." He who fulfills these duties. He is the one who reminds them, "Hey, there's a mourning, so-and-so is sick, so-and-so is like this." He gathers the family. These matters. This is the seventh.
Eighth, the zero-problem strategy in family relationships. There is a pattern of personality or individuals who are okay with opening problems with others. The issue is not important to them, how many problems occur. Some people, on the contrary, have a zero-problem policy. They strive as much as possible to be the one with zero problems. Now, how do you achieve this? We will talk a bit about overlooking and forgiveness, but the important thing is that this is your orientation, this is your personality trait in the family: that you strive for zero problems. Starting from scratch, or if a problem occurs, if a problem occurs, try to extinguish it as much as possible within the family. We have a narration that it is not permissible for a person to forsake his brother for three days. If two quarrel and each cuts off the other, on the third day, both are cursed, especially the one who cut off. What is the one who cut off doing? He is increasing the problem, right? But the one who thinks about zero problems means he thinks, "I don't have a problem with anyone." Not with my sister, not with my brother, not with my mother, not with my father, not with cousins. I think about the zero-problem strategy. Therefore, the noble hadith says that a thousand friends are few, as the Commander of the Faithful says, and one enemy is many. So what about if someone creates enemies for himself within the family? This is the destruction of the family. A person creating enemies for himself. So, one must strive for the zero-problem policy. How? The matter is up to you. The important thing is to strive for zero problems with family members. This means anything you feel might cause problems in the future, avoid it. Assume, for example, if you know that if you borrow from this person among the family members and don't repay, it might cause a problem, avoid borrowing from so-and-so. Don't take a loan from him; go somewhere else if you need it, for example. Or you know, for example, if I don't attend this visit on this occasion, if I'm not present, it might cause a problem. Take the initiative to contain the matter before it turns into a problem. The important thing is the detail of the matter is up to you. I am giving the rule. The rule is zero problems. This is the eighth.
Ninth, overlooking and forgiveness. Imam Al-Ridha, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, has a wonderful and beautiful hadith that gives you a strategy for managing life. He says, "Companionship, two-thirds of it is in a hadith, two-thirds of it is overlooking, and one-third is wisdom." In another narration, perhaps from the same Imam, if I'm not mistaken, he says, "Companionship is half overlooking and half wisdom." Half overlooking, what does that mean? It means, or two-thirds overlooking, what does overlooking mean? It means as if the matter didn't happen, as if you didn't mock me, as if you didn't talk about me, as if you didn't receive me in a bad way. You see the events. If you have 100 events in a day within the family, the Imam tells you, half of them, imagine as if they didn't happen. You want to live a good companionship. Overlook as if it didn't happen. As we say in Kuwait, "Put it in one ear and let it out the other." As if you didn't hear, as if they didn't say it, as if it didn't happen, as if you didn't say the word, as if you didn't forget to invite me to the gathering. As if something didn't happen. A person must live this. Half of social relationships within the family, everywhere, and within the family more so. As if it didn't happen.
May peace be upon you. And if a person can truly achieve this, do you know how much relief you will have? Especially if women can achieve this, they will be relieved and relieve others by dealing with the events that happen, small and large and medium, and children's problems, their disputes, and what so-and-so said, and her gift, and how she does things, and so on. If they deal with two-thirds or half of it as if it didn't happen, they will be relieved in the rest, and we will all be relieved, of course, in the rest of the companionship and life. And after overlooking is forgiveness. Forgiveness means what? It means when you notice that someone sometimes needs you to notice that what happened really shouldn't have happened, and the other party notices their mistake, then immediately forgive. Forgive, forgive, forgive within the family. Forgive as much as you can, and act as if nothing happened. This matter brings blessings into family relationships and makes them very good relationships. I tell you, even to the highest degrees. If an insult is issued to you by a certain party in your family, I tell you, forgive. First, I tell you, overlook it as if it didn't happen. Go the next day to the diwaniya, as if nothing happened. Go to the visit, as if nothing happened. If it happened and everyone knew about it, and the person noticed and sent you an apology message, sometimes they don't apologize directly. They give you an indication that, "Look, something came out of me." Forgive the matter. And this is from the manners of the great. Why does Allah Almighty command, saying, "Command forgiveness"? Because it's a difficult matter. Not everyone can do it. But what is its fruit? Its fruit is that you, first of all, are internally relieved. You have no desire for revenge against any party, or that you want to retaliate in kind, or anything else. Second, the relationship grows. Because every time the relationship cracks, and we focus on it, and we start digging into it, it will become more and more complicated. So, the rule of overlooking and forgiveness is one of the main rules for a person in his dealings with others. Why do I say this? Because especially in family relationships, you are with your mother, your father, and your brothers almost 24 hours a day, and in various mood swings, right? Meaning, when you are angry, when you are calm, when you are successful, when you are failing, when you have a problem, and when you don't. In all these situations, it is very likely that a mistake will be made by one person to another. Similarly, in the circle of relatives, especially during a certain period of life, a person is close to his family, at least in our society. This is something that a person must overlook, because it is expected that it will be repeated. Mistakes will be repeated. So, overlooking and forgiveness, and acting as if nothing happened.
Tenth, and finally, and I will conclude with this talk, and as I said, these are just keys, an indication, and the door is wide open for much more talk. It is establishing deep relationships with family members. What is meant by a deep relationship? Some people have a superficial relationship with their family members. Meaning, he is present with them, but his mind, his preoccupation, his brain is far away. He is not living with all his being with them. He is with them, but he has no understanding of everyone around him, and he doesn't know everyone's interests. This is a superficial relationship, meaning a relationship on the surface of a person's consciousness. A deep relationship. For example, today I am visiting my sister. I am sitting with my wife. For example, my mother has come to me. It happens that I am sitting with my father. Live this moment with all its depth. And if I were to liken the matter, I would liken it to the words of Imam Zayn Al-Abidin, peace be upon him, in prayer. What does Imam Zayn Al-Abidin say? He says, "If you want to pray, then pray the prayer of one who is bidding farewell." Bidding farewell, what does that mean? It means this is the last prayer you will pray. How will you care for it?
Well, God forbid, God forbid, let me just say this idea. Imagine this is the last gathering between you and your mother. How do you wish it would be? The last gathering between you and your brother. How do you wish it would be? The last gathering, for example, with your sister. With whom? How do you wish it would be? It's not wishing, meaning if you knew this was the last gathering, what would you do? Neither WhatsApp is important, nor Instagram likes are important, nor what's his name. You would exert effort and care to sit with the other party, give from your heart, live, live with him. And this is required for what? For relationships. Deep relationships. And the impact of a deep relationship. Sometimes you sit with someone for an hour, but the memory, its strength, and its depth remain long and deep, right? And you miss the next gathering. Therefore, the Commander of the Faithful, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, says: "Live among people in such a way that if you live, they will long for you, and if you die, they will weep for you." That is, when you are absent from them, they say, "By Allah, when will we see so-and-so? Let's sit with him." And if you die, they will weep for you. This is a rule, and this is the way of the Commander of the Faithful, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him. Sometimes he explains the idea to you. Sometimes he gives you the rule and tells you to work based on it. Live with people. Live so that they miss you. They say, "When is the next meeting? When is the next gathering? We wish for a trip to the chalet, a trip to the farm, whatever it may be, a journey, a trip." Some people, on the contrary, say, "Oh my God, thank goodness we finished today," because of how uncomfortable they were in this gathering. The point is the deep relationship, that a person establishes a deep relationship with those around him. He truly lives this moment with his family members and immerses himself in whatever it needs. And perhaps this is a story I have narrated to you before. I remember one day I was in Beirut, and by chance, God bless him, His Eminence Ayatollah Sayyid Hadi Al-Modarresi was there. It was a summer day, and we were in one of the apartments in Beirut. The weather was hot, and at that time there was no air conditioning like now. We were sitting, about four of us, with a fan running, and the Sayyid was sitting, and we were gathered around him. So the Sayyid said this word: "I am living this moment now. Meaning, now I am with you, forgetting everything around me. My focus is not on anything. My focus is on this moment that we are in, and I am content with this fan, we call it a fan from those days, the fan, and its cooling, and this sweet conversation we are having, and this gathering with its circumstances and conditions." Some people sit with you, and they complain about the gathering. They look for the negatives in it. Come on, live the moment you are in now with others with all its depth.
So, the خلاصه of the speech and the conclusion of the speech, in reality, is that building a good, righteous, vibrant, beautiful, happy relationship with the family is very possible. It only requires from a person, what? Just simple attentions that will turn every event into a good memory and every relationship into an emotional touch within you with others, deep. And above all this, and before all this, is your reward from Allah Almighty, that you were a person of good character with your closest people. Otherwise, the words of the Commander of the Faithful, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, will apply to us when he says: "And let not your family be the unhappiest of people because of you." May Allah indeed make us among this type of person. We ask Allah Almighty for forgiveness, mercy, good relationships, and righteous families, God willing, by the blessing of sending prayers upon Muhammad and the family of Muhammad.