Transcription
So this is the team. Whoa. I'm just gonna say it. This guy [ __ ]. Am I right? Cuz I'm looking at the rest of you guys, this is the guy. Now, it's doing all the [ __ ]. Am I right? You know I'm right. This guy. Ah, thank you. Hey, what's up, Al-Qaeda? Not totally kidding. I'm diffusing the tension with humor. What tension? That's tension. Of course. Not seriously. No beheadings. Alright, Russ Hanneman. He doing [Music]. Russ Hanneman. True pleasure to meet you. I watched your whole TechCrunch thing online twice. That whole spaz thing you did was [ __ ] priceless. So I called the Pied Piper number and somebody said you were heading over to Hooli. Guy sounded like he was either Chinese or [ __ ] Jinyang. Yeah, I don't know what that means. Guys in this town don't have the balls to drive a car like this. They're billionaires and they drive [ __ ] Priuses. Why? I think mainly just environmental concerns. They're all lemmings. Richard, everyone in this town is just look at them. Let me lemming. Okay, you scratched my car. It's the rivet. My pants. These are cool pants too. [ __ ]. That's a deep scratch. That will not buff out. [ __ ]. [ __ ]. Eat this. Open your mouth. Look your mouth. It eat it. Eat it. Don't you just let it dissolve. Hold. Hold. Hold. Now, choo choo. It's very hot. It's good. Good. All of a sudden, I'm 22 years young and I'm worth 1.2B. Now, a couple decades later, I'm worth 1.4. You do the math. Inflation is like 1.70. I think CDs are 2%. So that's less than a CD. Well, no one ever got laid putting money in the bank. Am I right? You know, worried about the lawsuit. [ __ ]. No, I got three nannies suing me right now. One of them for no reason. So come on, let's do this. Let's kick Gavin Belson's teeth in at CES. And when you're really worth something, I'm gonna take you back to those same spineless VCs who said no, and I'm gonna shove you right up their [ __ ]. Don't do what you should do. Do what you want. I mean, should I pay 800 bucks for that tiny piece of meat? Of course not. But I do it anyway because I want it. You're putting your entire future in the hands of the man who put radio on the internet. I can only assume that he mentioned that to you. It may have come. Oh, this guy. That's the guy. Yeah, that's that's the guy. Does he actually smile like that with his upper and lower teeth at the same time? The guy is a joke. How does he even do this? A boorish, pompous, womanizing douchebag. I like this painting. Is it sperm? No. Three commas? No one has three commas in it. Richard, a sentence with two positive phrases in it? No. A billion dollars? Yeah. I'm in the three comma club. You know, you play your cards right, you could be in the three comma club too. But probably not. But you could be. But probably not. You are a Jew. Biscuit. Alien. Actually, Jew with the business. My baby's got some ideas about Jews, some good, some bad. Oh, hey there, buddy. Hello. Who's this? Another board member. Aspen, it's time for bed. I don't want to go to bed. I'm sorry, buddy. It's not up to me. I need you to cooperate. Aspen. Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three. Good boy. Mask company. I'm funding. We call it the lady. I press the button and the lady tells Aspen when it's time for bed. Time to take a bath. When his [ __ ] mother's here to pick him up, I get to be his friend and she's the bad guy. I've disrupted fatherhood. I said lines. Lines. She's honestly so [ __ ] stupid. Functionally, I'm just like you. Jesus. [ __ ]. That's depressing. Right, but you're still basically a billionaire. Not if you round down. If you round down, I have zero billion. I remember the second I became a billionaire. I was asked, naked, sitting right there, just clicking and refreshing, clicking and refreshing, watching my stock rise. And when it happened, I popped the rod so fast, I went blind for a full minute. Nutted all over those cushions. I was the king. Now look at me. Dad, where's Mom? Your mom is with her friend Philippe. They're in Napa. She's gonna be a few hours. These guys are gonna watch you, okay? Watch out for the dog. [ __ ]. Okay, I gotta hit the road. Yeah, he's going to Vegas. Oh, hey, buddy. Hey, Russ. Look, I've run the numbers 50 different ways and I just don't know how I'm gonna convert. Is this all? I don't pay you to. No, no, no. What? That's right. I know you don't know. I don't know what you know. You don't know. Cuz I figured it out. And you know what? It's what I do. Why put radio on the internet? I'm putting the third comma back into my net worth. And you don't have to do jack. [ __ ]. Oh, we have a contract. We have a [ __ ] contract. Richard, you want to know what I have? A [ __ ] car. Whose doors open like this. Now, like this. Not like this. These are not the doors of a billionaire. Richard. [ __ ]. [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [ __ ] you in the ass. This is my own brand today. Skull mus. You know that means in Spanish? 303 commas. We are going to drink to rebuild a nice. Okay. To rebuild a nice. To rebuild a nice. That's it. Probably tomorrow would be fine. Fine. After we have tequila. What shots, boys? I'm in. No. No one's in. What are you? We're not doing shots right now. Richard, come on. Quit being such a [ __ ] and have some alow with your money guy. You're not our money guys. I'm no your money guys. Since Weds. Since you stopped giving us money. [ __ ]. But I guess what really bums me out is that I thought, I thought we got each other. Yeah, you and my guys. You know that guy, Bin Laden? Don't worry, I'll leave. And I'll even leave you the tequila because that's who I am. But before I go, I want you to come outside and see something. It's a a gift. Do you think Richard? You like it? Oh, wow. I don't know what to say. You got this for me? What? No, it's for me. About this for myself to celebrate you guys helping me get back to a billion. That's why I came here. To show it to you. To say thank you. Not an [ __ ]. You drove here with a bow on it? No, I put it on after I parked. Sets is single-handedly [ __ ] the future of this company. There's nothing we can do with that. Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. It just stop. Deleting. Yeah, the the tanks comas bottle was under on the delete key. It was the corner of it. He was just just got on there. Russ, what what are you doing here? In question. What's got two thumbs and three commas? This guy. What? Yeah, like 10 minutes after Boy Genius won his lawsuit. Your boss lady gave me a call. We just did a deal. She put me back over a B. Hmm. Means a billion. Yeah. Got it. I got a lot of cars. If you've won, go for a drive sometime. Got my own. Does it go like this? Go like this? No. Think about it. They're checking in with your pensions. [ __ ] me. Hey, Reggie. Oh God. Hey, Russell. What's up, Boy Genius? You here? [ __ ]? Huh? No, no, no, no. [ __ ]. Just here for the Vanity Fair dinner. Oh yeah, I know that stupid dinner. A bunch of VC douchebags jerking each other off. Speaking of, I got this girl at the bar. I'm trying to take her up to the Presidential Suite before [ __ ] bridesmaids ruin the whole thing. But they're telling me it's booked. Who is it? Is it Gore? [ __ ] that guy. Oh God. Stop. Pied Piper launched. Haven't tried it. Probably won't. Suddenly want to think about a [ __ ] that got missing out on her like Cher's [ __ ]. He didn't mention anything about this to me. Of course not. Why would he? It's [ __ ] humiliating losing all your money. You think when I dropped below a billion, I walked around telling everybody? [ __ ]. No, you guys were the only ones who knew. And I actually thought about having you killed. I'm sorry, what? Laurie Bream sweeps in. [ __ ] blocks the whole thing. She forces him to sell her all his shares. You think she's gay? Maybe. It hasn't come up. We have you staying one night in a deluxe double. Okay. Do you have a tub in that one? Does Eve a tub in that room? I don't know. There's no way of telling. You know what? [ __ ] it. I'm gonna take her to the W. She's so drunk, she won't know the difference. See you around, Ritchie. [ __ ]. Yes, I want to talk business. What's the play? Let's [ __ ] this thing right in the [ __ ]. Thanks for meeting me here. My [ __ ] nanny got another DUI and lost her license, and I'm stuck picking up my own kid like an [ __ ]. So what's up? We're growing like crazy. In fact, that's why we need funding to keep up with the users. And I think it could be really good if we can just keep it going. No, you don't. What? You don't like it? You don't believe in this product? You're selling it. It's like this. You're trying to date a woman. Deep down in your heart, you know you're gay. But deep in your soul, you know you would rather be plowing a dude. I don't. I don't. What dude? It could be any dude as long as you really want to [ __ ] him. It could be a twink, a bear, an otter, a circuit queen, a chub, a puppet, gibster, a daddy chaser, a leather man, a [ __ ]. If Donald Duck. Donald Duck's a gay guy who's been kicked out of the Navy. The point is, if you're gonna spend all day [ __ ], shouldn't Pied Piper be a dude you wanna [ __ ]? Alright, let's do an exercise. We've got unlimited diamond resources. You can build anything in the world you want. Your compression, anything at all. What's it gonna be? Three. Two. One. Go. Go. Go. Go. He said I have unlimited time. Now. Now. Now. A new internet. What? Why? If we could do it, we could build a completely decentralized version of our current internet with no firewalls, no tolls, no government regulation, no spine. Information would be totally free in every sense of the word. You want to build a new internet? Richard. I like it. I would fund. Well, I I don't know if it's possible. If this new internet is the man of your dreams, and this is the man that you want to [ __ ], then you need to [ __ ] him. That man. I will pay you to [ __ ]. [ __ ]. Is that kid? Wait a minute. [ __ ]. They kicked us out of this place. I'm at the wrong [ __ ] school. Richard, you find that man. [ __ ] him. Good. Careful, please. Do. Who's gonna peel out? Hey, Russ. Hey, Russ. [ __ ] you. Richard Hendricks. [ __ ] me. Regarding. It's all over the blogs. You took our idea to Gavin Belson. You told me to name an idea, and so I named one. That was my idea. You were just standing there. Yeah. Pulling it out of you like a newborn baby. Okay, but well, if a doctor pulls a baby out of a pregnant woman, the doctor doesn't get to then keep the baby. Okay, first of all, my ex-wife is [ __ ] the doctor that delivered my son, and they're suing for full custody. So you're wrong. Second of all, this isn't a baby. Stop trying to change the subject. Richard, it's actually good that you're here because you want in, and we need funding, especially since no VC in town will touch us. Not even Monica's mean firm. So Gavin pulls out, and you want me to be your sloppy seconds? It's always about my money, isn't it? Well, you are an investor, so what else would it be about? My idea. It was my idea. Well, then fund it yourself. [ __ ] you. Richard Hendricks. [ __ ] you right in your little [ __ ], and not in the beautiful way like Grandpa and Pedro. I was such a [ __ ] [ __ ] when Bitcoin broke. Richard, if I had the balls, I'd have put every penny I had into that [ __ ]. Five years ago. Watch the go up, up, up, up, up. And then pulled out right before it all came crashing down again. I mean, Jesus, why didn't I do that? [ __ ] me. You. You did 36 ICOs. Yep. Did they work? You know, one of the things being in the three comma club has taught me, Richard, is it's not always about money. Sometimes it's about wisdom. Did I lose a B? Close to it. But I bet I gained a B and wisdom. So you lost it all. One of them works. One wine out of 36. Yeah. Listen, all the coin I had from the ICO that worked was on a USB thumb drive, and my dumb [ __ ] housekeeper threw out my jeans cuz they were ripped, even though I paid more for the rip ones. And the thumb drive was in the pocket. So 300 million in crypto is buried out here somewhere. The hunt oven shitty found it all day. Yes. Nope. I said a thumb drive. In the. That's an actual thumb. [Music]