Transcription
[Music] [Music] [Music] she emerged from within me like a goddess from water. She filled her lungs with new air with a sigh that meant everything: relief, rebirth, release. She took in the world around her with an understanding of its fragility and strength. She let the waters of her past run down her face. She took on a new name. She took on a new way. She became whole. She lives in me. She saved me. She is me.
[Music] Hello gorgeous goddesses. Who was on this morning with Nicole? Who did the morning session? Yeah, tell me. What did it help you with? What were you able to access through that? What did it do for you? It was so good. The flow. I was able to access some of the shame. I released fear, calmness, and sisterhood. A sense of peace. Processing grief. That love and tiredness can exist together. Sure can. Sure can. So, what I love about this program. I was able to release. Let me see. This is, um, I was able to release some, some heart blockage. Did you? To hurt? It was incredible. I felt so much release and really alchemized a lot of shame, guilt, fear. It was beautiful. I connected to my six-year-old and cried. Felt like a soul hug in Nicole's energy. It felt like a great reminder for me for the that the feelings aren't the problem. It's not feeling safe to feel. Like I feel safe to feel my feelings.
So, this is, this is the beautiful thing about this program. We realize Nicole really is amazing. She's, she's a gift. This is the thing about feeling. When we're little, we don't necessarily learn what is right or wrong to feel based on our own emotional range. We learn what's right or wrong to feel based on the capacity of the person that's caring for us at the time. So, you'll realize that sometimes, you'll, it's okay. Like, you're sad and your, your parents had the bandwidth that day, they might have said, "What's the matter? Come here. I'll take care of you." But on another day, they would have said, "Stop crying." And this is not because they don't love. It's because their own capacity is limited. So, if you can imagine a person that has a very limited emotional intelligence range and they're operating here today, like they're, they're, they're real close to having a breakdown themselves. You know how we have those days sometimes where we're just like, "One more thing and I'm going to blow"? And then we're driving in the car with them. We're in the backseat with our sibling and she's like, "Not touching you. Not touching you." And you're like, "Stop bugging me. You're always begging me, Mom." And it's like, "Stop it." In that moment, you're like, "I am not allowed to feel right now." But I don't know when I am and when I'm not. It's this weird thing where sometimes it's okay and other times I'm not. I don't want to, I don't want to be inconvenient with my feelings. I don't want to not be loved because of my feelings. I don't want to be judged because of my feelings. I, I don't want to not belong because of my feelings. I don't want to use them at the wrong time and and be in trouble. Like, I don't, I just, I don't know. So, either I don't show my feelings at all and I really swallow them in and I refuse to show anybody my feelings. Or either when they come out, they're always really messy because I've already decided that you, nobody wanted me to hold, nobody, nobody wanted me to show them. And I'm inconveniencing you. And I need to prepare myself in advance that you don't want to see me sad. And I need to prepare myself in advance that you don't care about me because I'm sad. And I'm so sorry about that. And clearly, you don't care. Nobody cares. But like, this is how I feel. And that's it. And so, it's either this like super pent-up thing or this, I'm already assuming and I'm preparing myself for pain as I'm feeling.
And so, we tend to create defense mechanisms with our emotions. And this is a big piece of the Fatal program. The difference between a defense mechanism and learning a lesson. There's a difference between learning something valuable and adapting yourself because you've learned something and it's valuable and you course-correct versus attempting to never feel that again. So, I'm never going to, you know, those, I'm, I'll never date again. I'll never love again. I'll never tell a best friend anything again. I'll never tell my mother anything again. Well, I'll be sure not to share my feelings again. I'll never share what's on my heart again. I knew I shouldn't have. All these defense mechanisms become this shell that women put on themselves.
And so, have you ever met a person that the first time you met them, they looked and felt like a very different person than who they were after you really got to know them? Like, you met them and they had this like sassy personality and they seemed really confident and they had this really, you know, solid self. And then the more you became friends with them, the more they second-guessed themselves. The more they thought you were mad with them for no reason, or they felt worried, or they, they were gossiping about stuff, or they were always in their head. And you're like, "Gosh, I didn't think that this was you when I first met you. This is very different than who you were." Have you ever met a person like that? Or have you, do you yourself find that in your first meetings with people, you're super confident? You go to this lunch date, you're sassy and you've got all these vibes and you're badass. And then as you get to know people, there's this softer side of you that comes out, this emotional side, maybe a little bit more insecure side, maybe a little bit more like, "Are you upset? Did I make you mad? Are we okay?" Doubting yourself. And you don't know how to stop it. And you can't rain it back. But at the beginning, you were really tough.
So, what we tend to do is we put on an appearance that we think is safe. And then when we, and then we check to see how, how safe we feel around people. So, I'm going to be tough. I'm going to be strong. Be sassy. And when I feel safe around you, I'll be me. But the issue with that is, the me isn't the me goddess. It's the me wounded. "I hope you don't leave me." And I've tested you with my strength. And I have a feeling you're not going to go. So now I can be soft and scared. And, you know, you should take care of me because I trust you. And when someone hurts that part, we vilify them. "I was so careful with you. I thought I could trust you. I thought I was safe." And so, it's difficult for people to get into relationships on both sides. I don't want to get hurt. And I don't want to hurt you. Like, I don't really know. Most of the times when relationships end, friendships, business relationships, romantic relationships, it kind of goes like, "I don't know what happened. Things were one way and then all of a sudden everything started to change. And next thing, like, this is a totally different person. And I don't know what happened."
So, why this actually does happen is because we're trying to control our feelings and control our emotions. So, on the last module, we really talked about forgiveness. And we went into like, "Just because I still have feelings to process doesn't mean I can't forgive you." I don't need to wait for all my feelings to be processed to forgive you. As a matter of fact, your forgiveness, like me forgiving you, is not the me processing my emotions. Those are two separate things. I have to forgive you and process my emotions. These two things separately. And so, what we're left with now as grown women is that we've got to process the feelings no matter what. We've got to process them when there's nothing wrong. We've got to process them when there's something wrong. We've got to process them when we're afraid there's something wrong. We've, we've got to, we've got to process them no matter what.
So, for those of you who wrote the forgiveness letter, after you wrote all of the forgivenesses, how did you feel after the forgiveness letter was written? So, after the forgiveness was written, I felt very tired, free, vulnerable, free, free, sad, but free. This is good. So, what it really means is that we moved the block. We stopped the control. Does it necessarily change the feelings? Nobody's like, "I felt happy. I was doing the moonwalk. I wrote the, I wrote the forgiveness letter and suddenly a jolt of joy took over me and I just couldn't handle my joy and I skipped all the way to the..." Like, that's not what happens. So, a lot of times people will reject this this work because they'll be like, "It didn't work for me. I took Fatal. I thought it was going to take away my pain. I was going to be happy. I did everything. I did the forgiveness letter. I felt sad. Like, what the heck?" You know, it's been two hours doing that. I was crying at the end. I watched a whole module with Melanie. I was crying my eyes out. Like, what? I, I feel sad. I don't feel good. I don't like it. But the goal of the program is not that we just feel happy all the time. The goal is that we understand how to process our feelings.
So, what does, what's the difference between processing your feelings and fixing your feelings? Fixing your feelings means you make them go away. Processing your feelings means you feel them and then they go away. Most people don't want the feeling them part. They're looking for the quick fix. Like, "How do we bypass this sadness? How do we go from sad to giddy in one blink? How do I remove the sadness from my body entirely and only operate in bliss and excitement?" This is not healthy, in my opinion. Like, really not. And I, I always, um, go back to this thought in my mind. When you look at a movie and you think of your favorite movies, a movie that's not a comedy, like a movie that's that's a solid movie. What comes to your mind? Like a movie that you're like, "Oh, that was a really good movie. Whoa, that was good. That was a powerful movie. That was, that was a spectacular movie." Oh my gosh, A Beautiful Mind, Braveheart, Catch Me If You Can, Big Fish, Centurion, then 10 Things I Hate About You, The Notebook. Okay, take away all the sadness from that movie and tell me if it's still a good movie. No. Because part of the beauty of the movie is this, oh my gosh, the feelings that you feel when you watch it. The beautiful sadness, the meaning, the depth. But when, when we are in our lives, we don't want to see the beauty in the sadness. We see the wrong in the sadness. We see, "If there's something wrong, there's something. I'm sad in my life. It's because something's wrong. I have to fix it." We don't see our lives like works of art. We don't see our lives like, "Gosh, that's, you know, your heart broken over something. You, when your best friend are at odds, there's this big fight and you say things you can't take back and you're crying and you think back of all the good times you had and you, you just miss your friend." It's beautiful. You have a fight with your mother and you say things you can never take back and she really hurt her feelings and you know it. And you, the pain you feel for what you said, you just regret it so deeply. You know, you've cut something so deep. At the pain, just the pain. And you look at your daughter, do you think if she ever said anything like that to me, it would kill me? And it's the beauty in that. You break up with your partner and he drives away. You realize this is not what you wanted. And it's raining outside. And you don't know if you should call or not call. And you're worried that it's gone too far. And you're sad. Or your partner leaves you and says, "I'm, I can't do this anymore." And you fall to your knees in love and pain. And you don't know if you'll ever be okay again. Like, that's beautiful. But we don't see it that way when it's us. We just see, "I don't have a relationship. I'm not good enough. I was left. I'm ashamed. I feel guilty. I feel sad. I messed up. I lashed out. I'm not good enough. I shouldn't have done that." We see all the mechanics of our life, but we don't see the beauty of our life and the lessons and the depth and the meaning and how it shapes us. We, we don't see that. And so we avoid sad. But sad is one of the most beautiful feelings. Even like nostalgia. You know, you get a diagnosis, you weren't prepared for it, it scares you, you have pain, whatever it is. Your parents getting older, one of your parents getting sick. Like, there's something happens. Like the love, the heartbreak in a movie, it's beautiful. In our lives, we hate it. Why? Because we want to be able to not feel the sad parts instead of embracing the sad parts because it hurts.
Now, the crazy thing is though, you'd think if we don't want to hurt, why would we watch sad movies? Like, we don't want to feel sad in our lives. We avoid it at all costs. But we will go and sit in front of The Notebook twice, even when we know how it ends. Like, the first time you could be bamboozled. You could be like, "What? I didn't know this was going to be so sad." Oh my gosh. But no, you watch it twice. You even tell your friend, "You should watch this. It's the saddest thing I ever saw." Oh my gosh. Going to watch it. Because we do want to feel. Our fear is, "What if this doesn't go away? How long am I going to be sad for?" When I sit down and I watch The Notebook, I'm going to be sad for about two hours. And then I'll be grateful for my life. I'll hug my, my partner extra hard. And I'll be so grateful. But when it happens in my real life, I don't know how long I'm going to be sad for. I don't know how long I'm going to feel this pain. And worse, I don't know if I'm ever going to regret what happened. Like, could I have fixed it? Could I have avoided it? Should I have done things differently? Instead of just feeling the feelings, in the resistance to the feeling, we create chaos in our lives.
Resistance is the number one indicator of emotional strength. If you are willing to face what's in your life, if you're willing to face it without resistance, your emotional maturity, your spiritual maturity is through the proof. When you are not willing to face it, you can't. It's very, there's complete immaturity. And you, you know this because imagine being in a relationship with a partner and you say, "Look, I need, we need to talk." "Why? I don't want to talk." "Well, it's important because there's something on my heart and things are not good." "Oh, you're never happy. Why do we always need to complain? Like, we're going to fight. I don't want to fight with you. I don't want to fight." "I, but we do need to talk about this." "Okay, well, we've talked about it. I get it. You're miserable, as always." "Okay, fine." Resistance, resistance, resistance. The emotional intelligence is low. "Why do you always want to fight? Why are you never happy with anything that I do? You're never satisfied. What do you expect from me? What do you want?" Resistance, resistance, resistance. "We need to talk. There's something really big on my heart." "Okay, what, what is it?" "It's really big." "So, you know, we might need to carve out some time to talk about it. It's big." "Well, I'll clear the rest of my day. I can tell this is something big on your heart. And I, I love you and I want to know what it is. Like, you've got me worried. I'm not going to lie. I'm terrified. But like, what's going on? I'm here. I'm in." No resistance. Skyrocketed emotional intelligence. Relationships live and die on resistance. Same thing in the workplace. Oh my gosh, "I might have a failed launch. Wreck it. Close it. Cancel it." "Wait, it's day one." "I know, but I, I can tell when something's going to go well and when it isn't. People don't like it. Just cancel it." Resistance. Nope. No, no, no. Leaning in. Let's see what happens. "What if there's only one person in it? Then it'll be me and one person. And I'll learn a lesson. Don't be embarrassed. I can handle that." Resistance versus non-resistance. Your paycheck greatly sways on your resistance in your the workplace.
And so, when we are with people that are resistant, it triggers us because it feels like they don't care about us. Instead of it of us realizing that they have very low emotional intelligence. So, imagine you have a best friend and your best friend said something that really offended you. You've taken Fatal. You're feeling strong. You decide you're going to have a communication with her. You tell her what happened and she's like, "Okay, well, I'm really sorry. I'm such a crappy friend. My God." Okay, well, so, okay. So before Fatal, you'd think, "Okay, so she does, does not care about me at all. I've just poured my entire heart out and she just rejected me." But through Fatal lens, what you would see is, "Oh, she has a lot of resistance to anything being her fault or having done something wrong or feeling she's in the wrong. Like, she can't handle that." So, this has given me so much power because I have seen in my real life when and how people have reacted and responded to me in ways that I just thought I was the problem all the time. You know, "My mom hates me. My friend is not my friend. People just hate me." Like, that's just like, "Why would you react that way to me? It means you hate me." Until I understood this work and I just saw the trigger. "You think you're a bad mom because of what I just said? The way I just said that to you made you feel like I think you're a bad mother and you are not capable of holding that I really hurt you there." And in my little tiny self, I think that I'm the little kid for the rest of my life and you should always know what to say. But I hurt you more than you hurt me in that moment. And now you can't, you don't know how to respond. I hurt my friend's feelings and she doesn't know how to respond to that. It has nothing to do with her not liking me. It has to do this, she just blocked everything. She would have responded to me the same way if I had have been her child or her partner. So, we're walking around constantly thinking we don't belong because of how people react. We're walking around constantly believing that people don't love us because of how people react. When in fact, all of it is just a representation of their emotional range. Clients that get mad at you, friends that get mad at you, partners, it doesn't matter what it is. At the end of the day, if I feel bad about me and I have a lot of resistance to feeling bad about me, I will reject whatever you bring forward, even if it could save our relationship.
So, why is it important to take this program? Is because it sucks to be the only one to be emotionally intelligent in your circle. And you're going to face that for a minute. You will show up with emotional intelligence and they will still react like that. And you are going to want to respond exactly the way they did. Because, and we're going to learn about this in in the baby goddess module, but the baby goddess is all about what's fair. Like, "It's not fair. Why would you react like that?" And I have to stay strong and mature. Have you ever had that thought? Like, "Okay, so I learn all this emotional intelligence stuff, so I'm nicer to everyone, so I'm better. Great. But then I have to be nice and no one else needs to be. That's not fair." But the thing is, when you see it, it doesn't, it won't affect you the same way. When you say something to someone and they take it really badly, you can say, "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry you took it that way. That's definitely not what I meant. I'll try, I'll let's leave it at this and I'll figure out a different way to communicate it with you. That was not my intention. Please, please forget everything I just said if that's what how it made you feel. That is not what I wanted for you at all." But what do we say? "Okay, why do you exaggerate everything? That's not what I said. Okay, calm down, drama queen. It's not what I said." And can you imagine being on the other side of that? When people say that to you, it's like you're gaslighting my feelings. So, we become, yes, the strongest person in the room. But it gives us a superpower, which is to not be so heavily affected by things that aren't necessarily real or true.
One of my favorite analogies is that women before Fatal see themselves like an egg. They see this goopy inside that they fear is just going to go everywhere if they, if they let it. So, they don't want the goop to go everywhere. They don't want to be soft, sappy goop everywhere. So, they've got this strongish eggshell surrounding them. And they look tough. They look strong. Like a little ball of misshapen cement. Like they are strong. Except if you drop the egg, it goops everywhere. So, we don't want anyone to touch or to manhandle us in any kind of way because it's like, "I look good from afar, but if you mishandle me, I will goop. I don't want to goop." So, we don't trust people. We don't trust situations. We're like, "How careful are you going to be with me? Because I look tough right now, but if you drop me, I will goop." We're, we're just being careful.
Now, the other option is to be a peach. We're a little fuzzy, a little fluffy, a little juicy. We're soft. If you throw us against the wall, we will bruise. But in the middle, there is a pit, a strong core. And so, even if you did drop a peach, she'd be bruised, but she'd be fine. The core would be strong and solid. And so, instead of being this egg that we're terrified is going to go in the wrong hands and we're constantly trying to control the environment and who did what because the goop will come out, we're peach. We're fuzzy. We're fluffy. We're juicy. We might get bumped and bruised, but we're still delicious. And the core is strong and untouched in the middle. Soft on the outside, strong on the inside. When women can be that, it takes away so much of the surface-level protection. If, when you said to your friend, "You know, you did this and it hurt me," and she said, "Oh gosh, it hurts so much to hear you say that. But I really want to be a good friend for you. And I'm really sorry you feel that way. It's probably not the best time for us to discuss it now because I felt it like a knife in my stomach when you said it. Like, I feel ashamed and guilty. And I love you so much and I never want to be that friend for you. But like, let me, let me feel about it and then I'll, I want to respond to this and I want to be a better friend." That is a peach. Soft, vulnerable, bruised, honest, strong. The egg goes, "You just dropped me. Wow. Okay, sorry for being such a terrible friend. See, now there's goop all over the floor. Is that what you wanted? Sheesh. Look what the mess you made. Look strong. Gooped everywhere."
So, we want to be able to be approached. We want people to be able to interact with us. We want to be able to tell the truth. But we want the person that receives it to be perfect. Like the way we learned in the program. And that would be so great. Imagine if there was a magical spell I could weave and it was like, "You take Fatal and everyone around you becomes a goddess." Oh my God, if that existed, that would be amazing. One woman takes Fatal and her entire surroundings magically turn into goddesses. Like, that would be fantastic. But the burden to bear is, you become magic on legs and you walk out into a world and you just see the fragility of the human spirit even more. But this has made me so successful and so much more loving and so much more caring and so much more forgiving and so much more. And it's not that I accept to be mistreated. Like, I can say very easily to someone, "You know, I want to be really honest with you. I can tell that this is upsetting you and I can feel that your feelings are are really hurt. But the way you're expressing yourself right now is just not okay with me. I'm going to give you some time to feel into it. I know I kind of caught you off guard with the way I I explained this to you. And so I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt that you just weren't prepared to deal with this conversation. But this is not the way that I expect our conversations to go. I have to be able to share with you how I feel and there has to be respect when I share that for one another. Like, that's really important for me. So, take the time. You know, feel into it. But when we, when we circle back around this, I, I definitely want to change the tone." Whereas before it would have been like, "Who do you think you are to be talking to me like this? I just brought, do you have any right? Look at the way I came to you. I came to you so kind, so organized. I said it's so nice. And what do you do? You freak out." "Like, well, now you're freaking out." "Well, yeah, but I'm freaking out because you freaked out." Didn't go very far. We've got to be able to accept people's shortcomings as part of this. And so, there's going to be forgiveness work often in your life. You're have to forgive people for freaking out when they didn't need to freak out, for making you feel wrong for no reason, for making you the villain when all you did is express yourself. But you won't forgive them because they're bad people that need forgiving. You're going to forgive them because they don't know. And there's something so freeing about that.
Like, sometimes, my gosh, I remember this one time. Shannon was pregnant. I'm in Paris. I'm emotional and happy. My life is grand. I'm going shopping. I'm on the phone with my sister who's pregnant. My life is fabulous. Like, I can't believe my luck. And I kind of stepped into what I thought was the lineup to get into the store. And this, this French woman freaked out at me because I was cutting the line. It, it was like a jangled line. I, I was in the vibe. I didn't, I didn't realize. And she was just like, like, "Are you crazy? You got all these people behind you?" And like, right away, I was like appalled. And I just, I'm on the phone with my sister. I went from happy, like level 25 million happy, to jarred in one second. And I just had the thought, "She never took Fem Fatal before." And I just kind of softened and I said, "Oh my gosh, this is such a long line. You must have been waiting forever. I'm so sorry. I'm on the phone with my pregnant sister and I got so excited I didn't see the line." And she went, "I'm sorry. Yes, my feet are killing me. I've been here since 8:00 this morning." It was like 1:00 p.m. This woman thought I was cutting in front of her. She'd been standing in high heels on Parisian cobblestones for hours. And she thought, "I'm this American jerk that just wants to cut in front of her." She's going to kill me. But then the minute I said, "You know, my sister, oh, congratulations to your sister. I'm so sorry. My feet hurt." The minute I was just not a jerk back, she felt a bit bad. But, you know, she's still fancy and Parisian. So, she had an excuse with her high heels. And I went to the back of the line, looked at how long, and said, "I don't even want to be in this line." We walked away. But that could have ended so differently. I could have like, "Excuse me, pregnant sister, one moment while I destroy this Parisian woman who's having a nervous meltdown in at the Louis Vuitton lineup." And been like, "What is wrong with you? Like, you don't yell at people like that. What's the matter with you?" I could, my day could have been ruined. I could have been like, "I'm in Paris on the phone with my sister and this woman just starts yelling at me." Like, it could have gone a million different ways. But my first thought was, "This woman has never taken Fem Fatal before." There's nothing you can say. There's nothing you can do. Like, she does not know. She is not, not, there is no goddess here. We are, we are not in the land of the goddess right now. And I gave her extra 100% compassion. Thing was fine.
Now, in the real truth of this, is it fair how she reacted? No. Is it right how she reacted? No. Did she deserve me to be so understanding and so kind? Why not? Whose job is it really to decide what we deserve on a bad day? So, I've found a way. Even in my most triggered, when a stranger yells at me for no reason, I think to myself, "This person's never done Fatal." It's stuck with me. "She hasn't done Fatal yet." Even when a client tells me, "Just had this huge fight with my client or my mom," and I say, "Yes, but she hasn't taken Fatal yet." When we think about it, when we are at our most vulnerable and our most stuck inside, that's not the time to be schooled. That's not the time to be explained. You think it would have been helpful for me to tell that French woman, "Excuse me, but do you know that there were so many other ways that you could have talked to me in this moment and that was very rude? You think it would have been helpful for me to say, 'Take a deep breath. You need some tapping. I'll connect you with someone. She'll help you with some breath work and some tapping. Have you ever heard of Fem Fatal? I think you need to regulate your nervous system.'" Would any of that have been helpful? So, we can't even school people or teach them or tell them. It, none of it happens. None of it works. The only thing you can do is be the goddess. And the world does change. It changes in your presence as you are different. Not always perfect, but it is a little different.
So, one of the parts of today's homework I want you to contemplate is, where are you an egg in your life? Where are you tough on a first date? But if they make you embarrassed or sad or don't call you back, you goop. Where are you an egg up until three months in the relationship? But as soon as they're not ready to say "I love you" yet, you goop. Where are you an egg out in public with your children? But as soon as they have a meltdown in aisle six of Walmart, you goop. Where are you an egg with your in-laws, unless they make one comment about your parenting and then you goop? Well, are you an egg with your friends? But if they look at you crooked or make a joke that you feel wasn't well-called for, you goop. You're tough and then you goop. As opposed to being vulnerable and soft on the outside, like a peach. And ask yourself, if I were to be a peach, what would my fear be? If I were to be more vulnerable on the outside? Because there is a reason we don't do this. And it's usually just because we think people will take advantage of our softness. People will take advantage of our vulnerability. But the fact is, when I said to the woman, "Gosh, I'm so sorry. I was having the best day and I'm on the phone with my sister, she's pregnant. I got all caught up and I, I didn't realize this was the line. Your feet must be killing you. You know, I'm so sorry." Immediately, I got a whole other woman. Whereas you'd think if you're soft, you're vulnerable, and she's going to be like, "I don't care about your pregnant sister." Like, no. People are people. I mean, someone may have gone overboard. And then you go, "Whoa, walk away." But most of the time, just a little bit of humanity goes a long way. So, you know, where are you afraid to tell the person on the first date, "Whoa, I didn't love, I didn't love what you said there. I didn't love how that made me feel." Because, well, what if I mess it all up on the first date? Then never call me back. Oh my gosh, be an egg. Be an egg. Be an egg. You know, where are we so tough just so that we don't goop?
So, what vulnerability does for you in your life is it actually changes the way that you protect yourself. And it makes it that instead of you cracking and spilling everywhere, you get bruised. You get bumped. You talk about that. But ultimately, your core is protected. And we need that core because the core is the goddess. Now, we're going to learn about this in the upcoming days. But there's, there's the way, way the the body works. The the archetypes of the F, the Alpha Fem brand. There's the goddess, the badass, the boss, and the one. The one being like the god zone, right? Like the all-encompassing everything you were ever meant to be. But we are really in our archetypes of the goddess, both and badass, most of the time. Our ideal way of operating is that the goddess interacts with the badass. And then you get the boss. So, the goddess and her most emotional intelligent way works with the badass that does what she's got to do. And you start getting results. And the boss organizes the money, organizes the results. You know, the boss is the results. The badass is the doing. And the goddess is the being.
But there is an issue with the goddess is that we have like two different sides of the goddess. There's the full-grown goddess, which is the one we're, we're cultivating in this program. And then there's the baby goddess. And unfortunately, the baby goddess does not have a lot of emotional intelligence. She's like a small child emotionally. And so when she speaks to the badass, you don't get the boss. You just get a bossy. So, you either get the goddess plus the badass, you get a boss. Or you get baby goddess with the [ __ ] and you, you get the bossy. It's a different combination. It doesn't give you the same result. So, we don't want to have baby goddess run the show because she cannot create boss. She can't create the money the way she needs to. She can't get the beautiful marriage the way she wants to. She can't get the intimacy the way she deserves it. She can't, she doesn't get the result. And she'll still say, "I did everything." The badass will say, "I did everything." Like, "You did do everything, but you did everything the baby goddess said." So, you're bossy. You're not the boss. The boss only really comes to fruition when the goddess is the one in charge of the emotional system.
So, when you're an egg, you're very much closer to baby goddess. "It broke. It fell. I dropped it. Oops. Oops." You know, "Oops. You fall. It falls. It drops. It breaks. You're clumsy." Baby goddess. The goddess is, "It's okay. We got it. It's all good. It's fine." In the way that you met her in your visualization, she was a peach. Soft on the outside, strong on the inside. So, we want to reclaim that strength. We're going to be able to communicate so much better when it's the goddess communicating. We're going to be able to lead so much better when it's the, the goddess that's leading. But there's nothing wrong with baby goddess. She's just not fully grown up in her feelings yet. So, it's not like she's broken. She's just not been raised by a goddess. This is the issue with the generationally having baby goddesses raised baby goddesses. And for a lot of us, your grandma was a baby goddess. And then she raised your mom to be a baby goddess. Who then raised you to be a baby goddess. And when you guys fight, it all sounds like little baby goddesses fighting. Like, if I were to ever witness a fight between you and your mom, I'd be like, "You guys are so cute. You talk to me this way." "Well, you talked to me that way." "Well, you're the mom, you should know better." "Well, you're a grown-up and you're mean." You know, like, "What, what is going on? What, what is this?" And it's like the trigger, the little child that's not being seen, not being heard. As we grow up, we start to change that.
But in business, the Fatal archetype, the goddess is necessary because a lot of your clients will be baby goddesses. They're going to want what they want when they want it at the price that they want, including free. They're going to want it when they want, how they want, when they want, including now or immediately if not sooner. And if you have anything logical to say about that where you say, "Well, that's not part of the contract," or "This is not a make a timeline that makes sense." Egg goop. "Supposed to do everything for me. I paid you." And so, when baby goddess shows up, if we don't have the emotional intelligence, baby goddess triggers baby goddess. It's like it just happens right away. Like, "Well, if you're going to be able to talk like that, I'm allowed to talk like that." And then our business is a lot harder. Whereas if you get baby goddess and you respond in goddess, you get, you go a lot further.
So, we're going to be talking about Alpha communication with the goddess. You're going to have a baby goddess module that's coming up. But before that, I really just want you to think about where in your life you have not yet graduated fully into being strong inside, soft outside. You're still protecting your feelings. And there's no, again, there's like, there's nothing wrong with this. But if you don't feel your feelings and you're constantly in resistance to them, you create the eggshell. If you can imagine it, the eggshell is the resistance to the goop. I don't want the soft part to be out. So, I create a resistance to it. You break the resistance, you get goop anyway. And it's an illusion. Baby goddess, the egg looks like it's a rock, but it's not. It's still just about 1 millimeter thick. And it will crack under tapping it on the side of a bowl. Like, we're not solid here. This is just an illusion. So, we really want to solidify this so that we have less resistance and we can go all in with things.
One of the most transformational pieces of knowledge that I learned is that when a person, when a person cries, seven minutes of tears releases the kind of chemicals, endorphins, all things back into your face that actually helps you heal from your sadness. And so, I tried it. I was sad. Put a timer on. And at about three and a half minutes, I realized I was entirely bored and could not cry anymore. There were no more tears. And so, now I wanted to cry for seven minutes. So, I was trying to say things to myself to make myself sadder. Like, thinking about stuff that made me sad. It was hard to get to seven minutes. I can be mad for seven minutes because I keep talking about mad things. I can complain for seven minutes if I continue talking about it. But if I just feel my feelings, it's actually quite shocking how fast your emotions pass. So, we're so afraid of gooping because we're afraid the goop is broken forever and the goop is going to stay on the ground forever. But the fact is, your emotions, they pass through. They're not permanent. So, our job is to find temporary solutions to temporary problems, which are so soft, soft solutions, instead of permanent solutions to temporary problems, like defense mechanisms. "I will never trust again. I will never love again. I will never speak to you again. I will never tell you the truth. I, I will never open my heart." We want to learn to be softer with our approach, even with our feelings, because this softens the resistance.
One of the examples I gave in a past round of Fatal is, it's as though from birth, they shoved sunglass lenses right on our retina, just to make sure we never got sunlight. Because when the, when the sun does get in your eyes, it's uncomfortable. But it's like, "Okay, but there's only direct sunlight that could go into my face a couple of hours a day, only on sunny days." So, we're going to put a permanent lens over my eyeball to protect my eye from intense sun. And it's going to look like the shade in darkness all the rest of the time. "Be like, I can't see." It's like, "Yes, it's because the evening. Can we take these off?" "No, this is why we created sunglasses." A temporary solution to a temporary problem. It's bright outside. Let me put my sunglasses on. The sun is gone behind a cloud. Let me remove the sunglasses. These are the kinds of solutions that we want for our emotions. Soft solutions. Instead of, "Well, I have a great solution. How about we get a divorce? We never talk to each other ever again. And I pretend I never loved you. And then I don't have to deal with the fact that you bug me this morning." I think that's how we're going to do that. You know, "I'm going to leave in a huff. I'll tell you I hate you. And then you'll really understand the wrath of my anger. I'll take about a week before I speak to you again. And then you'll always worry that if you do something wrong, I'm going to freak out." That should be pretty permanent. We're okay. It's a temporary problem. Temporary sadness. How do I want to deal with temporary sadness? We just want to stop the whole emotion. I don't want to feel sad at all. So, when sadness comes, I just get mad instead. And then I go make a fight with someone. And then I get mad and I complain about that for about six months. And then I never actually felt sad. I forgot what I was sad about. I mean, my friend and I don't talk to each other. And she had nothing to do with the initial sadness. It's just the one I chose to pick a fight with. But it definitely helped. I wasn't sad at all that day. We just deflect the sad, move the sad until we've put it somewhere else. In our work, in an in being mad at someone, an expectation towards something, putting pressure on ourselves to do something. We just pick something else up.
But what if you had like a goddess bubble bath? Where you just fill the bath and put bubbles in it, put on The Notebook, and cry your eyes out in the bubble bath? Get all your sadness out. So, how do we know if it's temporary or if it's permanent sadness? If you have a feeling it's permanent sadness, you go and you see your doctor. And you say, "I have a permanent sadness problem." And they're going to figure out what in your hormones, what in your nutrition is in deficit. Because you might need more sunlight, more vitamin C, a nap, a sleep, a poop. Like, there's something wrong. Because no one is just sad all the time unless there's something that's just a little out of balance. They'll help you figure out what that is. All emotions are temporary unless, and this is very important, are you sleeping properly? Are you literally going from caffeine to wine and caffeine to wine and caffeine to wine? Or do you actually take care of your body? Are there the right nutrients in your body? Are you regular? Or do you have like backed-up toxins from you having into the bathroom in four days and now you're wondering why you're sad? Everyone's sad when they have four days backed up poop. Like, are you sad because you're not
Well, in your body, you haven't slept properly. You have a nutrient deficiency. You're constipated. What's wrong with me? I have a list, but none of it is anything that you're going to fix by asking, "What's wrong with me?" Like, all of it is bodily stuff. And we wonder whether this is true or not. Just imagine you have a small child that's crying non-stop. You would not think there's something wrong with my kid. You would say, "They haven't pooped in way too long," or "They haven't eaten, they're hungry, they're thirsty, they need a cuddle." Like, it's going to be something that's visceral, like a real human need that's wrong. And we grow up and it's like, "I'm probably just not good enough and destined for failure. I'm unlovable." And that would explain all my sadness. So let's find a permanent solution to that.
So we want to be soft with ourselves. We're humans. Our body is sensitive to things. Your emotions are felt more in your gut than they are in your heart. Sometimes it's the way you've been eating or the way you've been sleeping that's not sitting right with you. So we want to eradicate the thought that sadness is bad. And we want to see it more like it's a guiding, a guidance for self-care and gentleness and softness. The way you would care for a little kid, like, "You're sad, what's wrong? Come here. It's okay." And if you're sad all the time and it seems to be permanent, you go see a doctor and you go see about your nutrients in your body and if there's a deficiency somewhere. Because it's not supposed to be in the same way you can't be happy for for too long.
What's the happiest thing that ever happened to you? The craziest thing? Like, you won the lottery, or your wedding day, or you gave birth to a newborn baby and you were ecstatic? Or like, what's one of those things where you're like, "I was probably vibrating at a level 10 joy in that moment"? What happened? You bought a new car? Highest cash month? Having your kids? Let me see here. I asked a br winning $22,2122. Yes, I love that, Tammy. I asked for brand and partnered with for info on a scholarship and they gave it to me on the spot. These are feelings where you're just like, "I'm walking on sunshine." How long were you happy because of that? For a year? Two years? Couple of weeks? In the middle of those couple of weeks, are you telling me that absolutely nothing ticked you off? Permanent sadness? Permanent joy? Non-stop? "Or I'm so happy I can't believe this happened." "Ow, I just stubbed my toe." "Gosh, why does this always happen to me?" "Oh my gosh, I just got on the call, my mom was the most annoying thing I've ever had." "Oh my gosh, the money, yes, I'm so excited I won that." "H, it's raining today. I don't want it to rain today. I was going to wear these different boots." "I want to rain my new boots." "The money, ah, so happy I won the money." "Oh gosh, the milk's gone bad. Can't believe I just swallowed that. That's disgusting. Why does this always happen to me?" Money? Is it more like that? Because in that case, joy is not permanent either. You can milk it for a long time, but in the moments between the joy, guess what you find? Annoyance, frustration, sadness.
So in your life, even when you're sad, you can try to be sad for a really long time. You can be like, "I'm sad." But then it'll be like, "Look, there's a deer outside." "No, I'm sad. I'm not affected by the deer." "There's a rainbow." "Where? No, I mean, I don't care. I'm sad. Nothing matters." You will still be interrupted a little bit by the joy, even if you try with all your might. Have you seen this thing, this TikTok thing? Be like, "Not all to laugh at that. I'm sad. Don't show me happy things. I'm sad." It'll be hard not to be happy for a second. You'll hear a joke, it'll make you laugh. Someone will call you, be like, "Hi." "Wait, no, I'm not happy." All right, joy will interrupt your sadness. It is not easy to stay sad. It is not easy to stay mad. It is not easy to stay happy permanently. So why do we worry it is permanent? You just don't know how long you're going to milk it.
So this is the other part of your homework today. You are going to look at how you milk emotions. The way I like to talk about this is compounding emotions. So when you're happy, I want you to, I want you to test this in real time. When you're happy, I want you to see, try if you can be happy about being happy. So it's so simple. I'm, I'm going to demonstrate this and you'll see in real time how simple this is. Let's say I wake up one morning and I'm in a good mood and I say out loud to Kevin, "I'm in such a good mood." Do you think that me saying it makes me happier or sadder? The minute it comes out my mouth, "Oh my gosh, I actually feel so good today." It's like, even hearing it makes me happy. So then Kevin says, "Why?" I said, "I don't know, but maybe it's this that's making me happy." Or you, you know what it could be? It could be this. And then I start thinking of all the things that could be that makes me happy. Do you think that's making me happier or sadder? I'm enumerating all the things that make me happier. You know what it could be? This. I bet it's this. All these other things are pretty good though, but this. Do you realize this is happening? The more I talk about it, the more I feel about it, the happier I am getting. This is called compounded emotion.
I have clients ask me and tell me, "I don't understand why I'm so sad." But here's how it goes. The opposite. You wake up one morning and you're not happy and you tell your partner, "I'm not happy." And they say, "Why?" And the minute you go to say it, you're even sadder. Like, "I don't think I can even tell you. It makes me so sad." "You have to tell me." "It's because the minute you say, start crying." "But but that can't be it. That you don't beat." "But you know what it is? You're right. It's not just that. This could, this also makes me feel sad. And this also makes me feel sad." At this point, do you think you're feeling happier or sadder about your situation as you start enumerating all the things that could be in great detail? And then, "Voxer me, Melanie, I'm really sad and I don't know why." "How long have you been sad for?" "About an hour." "How long have you been talking about it?" "About an hour. And I've thought about everything it could be. And it won't go away." Compounding the sadness, milking the sadness.
So what we want to do is, when we're sad, if we just feel it, it it will pass. If we feel the sadness, it goes away. If you want to keep it, compound it. This is why I always suggest celebrating. I say celebration is a party thrown in the grave in the name of gratitude. You want to celebrate because celebrating is that you're happy and then you're celebrating that you're happy. The longer you compound an emotion, the more you trap it in your body. So we want to trap joy so it doesn't run away. Same thing happens with frustration. You wake up this morning, you're like, "I'm so frustrated." Partner was like, "Why?" You're like, "Oh my God, I don't even think I can tell you. I'm so mad." "Well, tell me. What is it?" "Okay. Oh my God, that's terrible." "I know. And last year the same thing happened. This, you know what this reminds me of? It reminds me last year. Oh my gosh, now I'm realizing this is a pattern. This happened before last year and the year before. As a matter of fact, I think this has happened every year since I've known this person. Why am I still friends with this person? What's the matter with me?" Frustration, frustration, frustration, frustration. Then your partner says one thing wrong and you're like, "You're no no better. You want me to cut my friend out? What's the matter with you? What if I cut you out first? I was frustrated with you. What kind of advice is this? Get out. I need alone time. What is going on?" Compounded frustration.
What about compounded laughter? Have you ever had one of those like giggle fits where the more you try to stop laughing, the more you laugh? And then you try to say something and then you say that wrong because you're laughing. And then the fact that you said something funny while you were laughing makes you laugh so much that you're crying. Then the person in front of you starts laughing and they're not even part of what happened, but they're laughing because you're laughing. And the fact that they're laughing makes you laugh. And then they do this weird thing while they're laughing and they snort or something. And then you start laughing at their laugh. And then both of you are in stitches. Like, compound laughter. That happens at the end of it, both crying. Like, "What are we laughing about?" "I don't know." But then later on that day, you speak to someone, you're like, "Oh my gosh, we've got to tell you the funniest thing happened. Before, so I started laughing, okay, because this thing happened. And this person starts laughing. And the other person starts laughing. They don't even know even yet what happened. You're laughing. They're laughing. Now all three of you are laughing. You're in stitches. Everybody's laughing. What happened?" "I don't know. It just, it caught on." You can compound laughter. You can compound frustration. You can compound joy. You can compound sadness. But what happens is that it doesn't really mean anything. It's just, it's got to go through you. What does laughter mean? It means you're laughing. What does sadness mean? It means you're sad. But why am I sad? What does it matter? Well, if I knew what I was sad about, I could fix it. Oh, that's a great idea. So let's think of all the reasons on Earth you could be sad. And let's not imagine that that will make you sadder.
Why don't you just be sad? Run the bath. Sit in the corner. Read a book. Take, have a nap. Cry into your pillow. Go for a hug. Walk in nature. Look at old baby pictures of when you were a child and think of how long it's been since time has passed by. Do whatever you want, but feel it. And eventually, you will be bored. Even kids get bored. A child can be having a full-blown tantrum and then see a butterfly and go, "You like." "I'm distracted." The sadness is boring. Toys like it. It moves. They can be having the time of their life. They're so happy. And all of a sudden, watch just happen. "I think you're tired." Just like that. But us, "There must be something wrong with me. I'm sad."
So what I really would love for you to do is to practice not compounding sadness and frustration. And on the flip side, compounding joy and excitement. When something good happens to you, see if you can milk it. See if you can say things like, "Gosh, I'm so happy about this. I'm so happy. It makes me want to talk about other things I'm happy about. And this, this, I, I don't think I've been this happy since back then because and this made me happy and this made me happy." And talk about it and write about it and be about it. See how, how far you can stretch the joy. And eventually, you'll see you'll run out of steam. You won't even be able to hold the joy that long. And on the flip side, you're going to experience yourself in sadness and just say, "I don't, I just feel this without trying to figure out what it is or fix it. Like, let me just feel it."
So far in this program, you have been taught breathwork and tapping from Nicole. On our next module, I'm going to be talking to you about the portal drop, which is one of my favorite techniques for myself that really helps me transmute my emotions. It's a, it's not as in-depth as breathwork or tapping. Like, let's say I've got a big thing going on in my life, I prefer the tapping for myself. I feel like it dismantles really big things. But I can drop a frustration in two seconds flat. I can drop, I can have an emotion rise inside of me and drop it with the portal drop really quickly. And it transmutes my own energy. So I'm going to show you how to do that on the next module. And then what I'm going to do is I am actually going to give you the pre-recorded module of the baby goddess that I did in the last round of Fetal. Because I honestly think, like, I preferred to give you new stuff in this program than to repeat this module. And I actually think it's perfect. I, I rewatched it and I'm like, "I would not change a thing." Like, I really, I get it all done in there. It lasts an hour and 23 minutes. It's a big module, but I'll drop it for you tomorrow. After our do, I want to drop it tomorrow. I could actually drop it today. You can. And then you can watch it whenever you have time. Um, and then we'll have a Q&A on Monday. So it's going to give you time. So, so you'll hear me on the pre-recorded session say, "On our next call, it's a Q&A." But it's not going to be the next call. Next call is tomorrow. But Monday, we're going to have our first questions and talking in this program where you're going to get to get, get information. If there's anything that feels blocked or or you want to discuss anything, like, we'll have some time to, to really unpack all that and spend some time together on Monday. So tomorrow, we'll talk about portal dropping. I, I'll post the replay of the bonus session for baby goddess so you can watch that whenever you're ready. Ready. And then Q&A on Monday. And that's what's coming.
So I want you to enjoy your life, even the sad parts. I know it's so strange, but like, we're so used to hearing things like, "Don't be sad, don't be sad." It's like, why? You want me to take away all the duality out of my life? You want, you want me to be able to feel the depth, the beauty, the spirit? Like, only when people can't handle their own feelings, did they say, "Look, I can't hold anymore." So you can't hold anymore. But when it's us, when we don't need to give it to somebody else, like, "I'm sad, so I need to talk about it." No, I'm sad, so I need to feel it. You're going to become so much stronger. You'll go through things, you'll feel them. If it feels like there's someone you need to forgive, you'll forgive. Then you'll process your feelings. If it's stuck and it won't move, you'll have breathwork, you'll have tapping, you'll have portal dropping. You'll have all of these tools. You'll allow yourself to have sadness pass through you like a peach. You'll know you're okay. Okay. And then you'll move into the next emotion, which will be peace or joy or whatever comes next. And you'll live more of your life. And everyone around you will benefit from this. You want to have people in your life, want to change their life. This is the way to do it.
And I, I laugh so much with Fetal because I've always, ever since I've started this program, people have told me, like, "This will never work." My parents hate that I do personal development. Think I've joined a cult or whatever it is. And I'm like, the thing is, the minute the program you take requires you to have a conversation with them about how they should have been better, they think you joined a cult. When you go through a program and you come out being calmer, wiser, more forgiving, more understanding, they have zero problem with your personal development. It's when you come back needing a real tough conversation with them and they've got some stuff to take responsibility for that they're like, "What is this garbage? What have you been sucked into?" So our, our goal here with Fetal is really not to go in there and make our parents responsible for all these things and have discussions with them. It's healing it all inside. So they actually get set free from this program without them even needing to be involved in it. And your partner gets set free. And your kids get set free. And old people that you got caught up with in fights and stuff. It all goes away. Just everybody gets liberated. And you just walk like a goddess with your heart wide open and no strings bogging you down because you decided. And it's just the most beautiful thing. So enjoy your life. I'm so happy. Thank you so much, Michelle. Thank you everyone for your beautiful comments. Enjoy your life. Enjoy your feelings. Have fun multiplying and compounding your feelings or just processing them and letting them go. Thank you for your time and your energy. And I shall see you very soon for the next module. And we'll drop the replay of the other one. Okay.
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She emerged from within me like a goddess from [Music] water. She filled her lungs with new air with a sigh that meant [Music] everything. Relief, rebirth, relief. She took in the world around her with an understanding of its fragility and its strength. She let the waters of her past burn down her face. She took on a new name. She took on a new way. She became whole. She lives in me. She saved me. She is me. [Music]