Transcription
Let's talk about the 5, six, 7-hour circular conversations and arguments that happen in narcissistic relationships. And if you haven't experienced this, I would question if you're actually in a relationship with a narcissist, because it's such a staple of these kinds of relationships.
While you might not have experienced it if you've only been in a relationship with this person for a few weeks, people who have been in long-term relationships with these people will absolutely know what I'm talking about. Drop a comment if you've experienced it.
So what do these arguments/conversations typically look like? Blame-shifting, hopping from topic to topic without resolving anything, goalposts continually moving, deflection, narcissistic word salad, gaslighting, wild accusations of things that haven't happened, would never happen, and aren't even possible. Straw Man arguments, pity-playing, projection. You desperately trying to explain basic concepts to a grown adult, explain basic decency, trying to get them to understand that you have feelings, explaining empathy and compassion, and why it is that horrific actions hurt you. All the while, this person is pretending not to understand. Paranoia and hypersensitivity to even perceived criticism on the side of the narcissist, wild double standards that they cannot see, refusal to take accountability, stonewalling, grown adult tantrums: yelling, screaming, stomping their feet, hitting themselves, throwing things, intimidation.
And generally, once you are in this circular conversation/argument, there is nothing that you can say to calm the narcissist down. You can take accountability for whatever ridiculous accusations they're trying to make you cop to; you can apologize; you can beg; you can cry; you can say or do whatever it is that they were originally wanting you to say or do, and nothing works. It continues. And this is because, at this point, it's not about whatever the narcissist wanted; it's about the fact that they have become extremely emotionally disregulated, and they're not calming down.
It often also happens because they have perceived some form of narcissistic injury, and that is why they are just losing their mind, illogical, making no sense, and essentially displaying an outward manifestation of the disorder and how disordered and chaotic their thinking and internal world is. It also serves the purpose of psychologically and emotionally exhausting you, forcing you to submit, causing you to self-censor and walk on eggshells more and more in the future, to express dominance, power, and control over you. See, they're disregulated, but there's also method to their madness.