Transcription
Chapter 13. Group play party dynamics.
A classroom in humanity. Dating individually is different from going to an event together where you and your partner might find a new sexual or romantic interest. Misha Bonaventura.
All right, folks. It's the moment we've all been waiting for. You've embraced the open polyamorous lifestyle, ventured onto dating apps, perhaps enjoyed a date or two, and now you've been invited to your first play party. This is an exhilarating moment, the chance to be in a room filled with other sexy adults. You get to experience sex in public or engage with multiple partners, potentially including your own. Thrilling, isn't it? And maybe a bit terrifying, too.
I view play parties as a classroom in humanity. Nowhere else allows you to experience such an intense microcosm of emotions typically felt in polyamory within just 3 to 5 hours. You are likely to encounter anxiety, fear, excitement, jealousy, arousal, ecstasy, love, insecurity, and vulnerability all in one living room. Play parties, much like other aspects of open relating, come with their own set of unique challenges, excitement, concerns, and rules. Each experience is a learning opportunity. So take let's take some time to understand and unpack exactly how these events work.
Misha Ben Vonova's article on being party ready emphasizes the importance of preparing yourself and your partner if attending as a couple before attending such events. It's helpful to share intentions and boundaries to navigate the party successfully.
The unprepared newbies. Jared and Celeste were so excited to attend their first play party that they didn't really think intentionally about what they were getting themselves into ahead of time. They arrived at the event without any understanding of the etiquette or layout of the space and didn't engage with anyone ahead of time to know anyone walking in. The overwhelming sights and sounds left Jared and Celeste feeling uncomfortable, isolated, and paralyzed from engaging with others. They ended up arguing over petty issues all night in the corner.
Misha suggests asking yourself and your partner a few questions about one your previous experiences, two, your hopes in this new adventure, and three, what makes you both feel secure. Engaging in this dialogue can help you to feel more anchored in the party environment.
Exercise. Do your pre-work. Before you attend a play party, clarify what you hope to achieve by going. Consider answering the following questions alone or with a partner. One, are you planning to have sex or perhaps you intend to abstain? and have you discussed this with your partner? Two, are you attending together or going solo? What does that look like in terms of playing with others? Three, have you considered the how the event might unfold? Four, do you know anyone else attending? If so, are you hoping to connect with or crushing on any specific individuals? And if not, what personal agreements and boundaries do you have regarding intimacy with strangers? Do you feel confident you would be able to initiate these conversations in a heightened environment? Clear communication about desires and boundaries is key to enjoying any sexual encounter. Talking through these things ahead of time can save significant discomfort at the event.
Unclear boundaries. Josephine went to a play party with the intention of only flirting, but ended up rushing in to engage sexually because she got swept up in the moment and didn't communicate her boundaries clearly. She hadn't done her pre-work and then consumed substances at the event, lowering her inhibitions. Flirting with a small group evolved into light foreplay and then escalated quickly to full intercourse. Josephine found herself overwhelmed and regretted not raising her hand or asking for clarification beforehand during the escalations. She felt she had not been integris and aligned within herself. And this experience taught her the importance of setting and communicating boundaries before stepping into such environments. The more we know ourselves and spend time consciously examining our likes, dislikes, wants, and needs, the better we can communicate our boundaries and desires to others.
Communicating with your partner. Group projects. Prepare for some spicy conversations with your partner leading up to your first play party, as parties always have a way of conjuring up some doozies. One couple, Dan and Roxy, prior to attending their first play party, spent 12 hours with their therapist beforehand, discussing their jealousies, fears, and anxieties. Better to do it now than when you are kneedeep in lube and waiting through orgasms. Think of it like working on a group project. If you don't communicate and do your part for the assignment, the outcome will be disappointing, and you'll likely end up resenting your teammates. Dan and Roxy considered not attending the party several times, which to me signifies a couple committed to their emotional work and ready for the experience. If you're not ready to have a hard or uncomfortable conversation leading up to an event, you might want to reconsider attending. If you aren't feeling anxiety, it could be a sign that you're not fully engaging with the process. It is so much easier to work through it ahead of time than in an emotionally heightened environment.
For years, I would have gnarly discussions with my partner leading up to a play party, often stemming from insecurities that needed addressing or communication breakdowns that had been building up over time. If you find yourself in a disagreement or consulting with your therapist, consider that a good sign you're doing the necessary mental preparation for the event. However, if you're afraid to discuss your insecurities with your partner and are staying silent, you are not likely ready and can expect a breakdown at the event or shortly thereafter.
Exploring hopes and fears class discussions. As I mentioned in an earlier chapter, one useful exercise coined by my friend Reed Malco can be to discuss your wildest and mildest hopes and fears surrounding the event. Another friend, William Winters, organizes a sex positive group called the Bonobos in San Francisco and often recommends that you enter a play party with low expectations, high possibilities. While I agree that you shouldn't enter any sexual environment with a fixed outcome in mind, it certainly can't hurt to get creative and dream a little.
Exercise, wildest and mildest. To get your creative juices flowing, consider discussing the following questions with a partner or another play party attendee. One, what is your wildest hope for attending this play party? The most extreme, untamed, or unrestrained. Two, what is your mildest hope? The least extreme, gentlest, most moderate, but would feel equally a win. Three, how do you envision the ideal scenario unfolding for you? Who, what, when, where, how? Four, what is your wildest fear about attending this event? Extreme relationship outcomes. Five, what is your mildest fear? event specific insecurities. Six, how do you think these fears might impact your experience and the way you bring yourself to the group? Do you expect that you might freeze, not hold boundaries, fight or leave, etc.? Seven, are there specific scenarios that cause you the most anxiety, i.e. people, places, or acts? and eight. What could we do to help fill our individual cups and relational relational container so that we're going into the party fully nourished? Ideally, before attending this party, the ethical sled suggests that understanding your desires and fears can help you communicate them effectively to partners, leading to healthier interactions.
Ignoring fears. Gwen ignored her fears before attending a play party with a secondary partner, Buster, thinking that her fears were unjustified or that they would fade away once she arrived. Instead, her fears intensified. She ended up feeling insecure and disconnected from Buster because she hadn't taken the time to voice her anxieties beforehand and then only voiced her requests, which came in the form of demands, in the midst of a sexual scene forming, ultimately resulting in a breakup later that night. This taught Gwyn that acknowledging fears can alleviate their hold on her her and her partner, much like addressing a challenging topic in class can lead to better understanding. By not speaking up and being honest with Buster ahead of time, Gwyn also didn't allow Buster the opportunity to meet her where she was and to explore the fears together in connection and as a team.
Exercise fear discussion. The fear discussion doesn't have to be a painful or overwhelming one. It can be as simple as asking yourselves a couple of questions. What fears have you ignored in the past and what were the consequences? How might acknowledging your fears in advance change your experience? What is triggering your fears in this moment? And what could help you reeregulate now? How about at the party? In Misha's article, she discusses the significance of self-reflection and emotional honesty and navigating the complexities of play parties among partners. Recognizing fears as part of the human experience allows us to connect more deeply with ourselves and with others.
Engaging with others, raise your hand. Now, let's talk about how to get your flirt on. If it is sexy action that you're seeking, you get to actively participate. Though voyering is always welcome. Engaging with others is key to making the most of your experience. In four and a half years running an adult leadership academy, I would regularly encourage participants to raise their hands and ask questions in every room they entered. By doing so, you declare, "I am here. I have something valuable to contribute." The same principle applies in a play party environment, um, but with much more interesting stakes.
Often, you'll have the opportunity to see who else is attending a play party in advance. Engage with group chats set up by hosts on platforms like Telegram, WhatsApp, or Discord. Participate actively, respond to prompts, contribute your thoughts, and don't hesitate to introduce yourself through a video message. You are awesome. That's why you were invited to this event. So, don't be afraid to strut your stuff. Engagement in a party chat ahead of time serves multiple purposes. It fosters a sense of safety among attendees, helps you to get to know others beforehand, and gives you the chance to be seen before the event. Similarly, if you see someone you're attracted to, don't hesitate to introduce yourself.
Checking out before checking in. At a recent play party in New York, Sylvia refused to participate in the group chat before the event, claiming to be overwhelmed by the chatter. It's real. We know. While her partner Joshua actively raised his hand, and contributed because he knew that he'd be coming in from out of town and wouldn't know anyone. When they arrived at the event, several people came up to Joshua, knew him by name, and immediately began talking to him about things that he had shared in the chat. Sylvie stood in the corner watching everyone else mingle and play. Feeling too shy to introduce herself. While Joshua had the time of his life and more potential suitors than he knew what to do with, Sylvie missed out on on incredible interactions and connections because she didn't take the initiative or put herself out there. This was a valuable lesson for Sylvie. While it's natural to feel nervous and to resort to turning inward, stepping outside your comfort zone is essential for growth. Active participation enhances learning and makes for a richer experience.
Exercise privacy please. Many are afraid of posting or even joining group chats in advance of a play party for fear of word getting out. I.e. private people who do not want the world knowing that they attend play parties. If you feel this way, you can consider the following. One, engage with the party host to understand their privacy and confidentiality requirements. Two, identify yourself in the chat under initials or a safe name, not your own. Three, sign up for a Google Voice phone number that is not traced back to your personal phone. Four, choose to not share your face in any videos or photos. Five, ask for confidentiality from the group prior to sharing any personal information. Six, add a timer to your share such that they disappear after being played and cannot be saved. There is an inherent risk at the at any time you attend a play party that someone will share your information. Think through and talk with your partner about your risk tolerance in advance of attending.
Care for the community. You will benefit from giving a about the other attendees. Listen to what they have to say and care about their experiences. You will get what you give in experiences like play parties. If you hole up and walk in cold, you're likely to have a cold and disconnected experience. But if you take the time to engage, even briefly, this gives you more to talk about with others, helps you determine what you might have in common, and even allows for ideas to be sparked about how you might interact or play with them when you are together.
Malcolm Gladwell coined the term thin slicing in his book Blink, which refers to the ability to make quick judgments based on minimal information. Often, we can determine our immediate reactions to someone in as little as 6 seconds. All we need is a video introduction and a good text exchange to gauge our feelings about someone. But note, while these determinations can often hold some level of accuracy, it's important to be conscious of where our biases or assumptions may be preventing us from seeing the whole picture of a person.
Judging too quickly. Aaron was engaged in a group chat prior to a play party and was immediately John Dearcia when looking at her photos and hearing her initial shares. However, when he mentioned that he would that she was single, when she mentioned that she was a single stay-at-home mom, he was initially turned off and chose not to reach out, making snap judgments and assumptions about the type of relationship she would be looking for. Months later, he learned from a friend that was now dating Marcia that she was a total catch and that Aaron is her type for casual play fun, but that she's since become saturated with other lovers. He regretted never engaging with her. While you can often trust your ability to thin slice, be aware of your biases and preconceived judgments. Jumping to conclusions about someone based solely on a photo or a brief chat can lead to misconnections or awkward situations later.
Get your flirt on. Once you've identified people who peique your interest, request to direct message them and see if they'd be open to a call or text chat ahead of time. Building trust and rapport before the party is not only invaluable, it's sexy. Walking into a play party knowing someone creates a sense of comfort and connection. Those who engage ahead of time are almost always admired at play parties because they seem to fit right in and have greater success engaging. People often ask me, "How do they get so much attention?" And I simply respond, "They prepared."
Negotiating scenes in advance. While having the those pre-party conversations, you can also negotiate scenes before entering the room. For example, you might say, "I noticed you do shabari. I'd love to be tied at the party. Would you be open to that?" This approach puts you ahead in the queue for popular skill and sets the stage for your engagement. It also allows the recipient of your request to opt in or consider ahead of time whether they'd like to engage and then act when they are ready. Pro tip: If the interest is mutual, try to be as detailed as possible as you begin to negotiate your scenes. The more detailed you are, the more it's likely a scene is to happen.
Lack of communication. Cat felt like a kid in a candy store, hearing about what other sexy people were doing during the chat in advance of the party. She was incredibly drawn to Dax when he mentioned that he likes to tie people with rope. She was eager to connect with him, but thought she'd have time to get to know him at the event, so she never reached out. Because Dax raised his hand, he was incredibly popular at the event. So much so that he was never available for a conversation with Cat. Afterwards, Dax mentioned that he found Cat attractive and would have been game but didn't know her or have the time to meet her. If you find someone intriguing, initiate a conversation beforehand. This can feel a bit edgy at first, but the more practice you get, the easier it becomes. And what's the worst case scenario? You receive a no in the privacy of your own home.
Exercise: Engaging with the crowd. In advance of a party, you can ask a new prospective lover questions to help gauge interest and build connection, including some of the following. Is there anything that would make this party a win for you? How do you like to engage at play parties? Is there a particular scene that you're wanting to have? Would you be open to joining someone else's scene? What do you enjoy? What are you into? If I see an opportunity to engage you during the party in a scene that you might like, would you be open to me inviting you? If even if no one gives you a green light for a part for play, you will now have such warmer connections walking in, which will allow you the to ground more quickly when you arrive.
Prioritizing sexual health, the health curriculum. In advance of attending a play party, you will want to ensure that you have been tested and that you are ready to discuss your results. Make sure you're prepared. There's often an expectation, both spoken and unspoken, that anyone attending a play party or sex club, has been tested every 90 days. Ideally, you should get tested within 30 days of the event with a full panel that includes blood, urine, and saliva, and tests for a full panel inclusive of HIV, chlamydia, uh, syphilis, gorrhea, HSV, and HPV. Understanding your results whether reactive or non-reactive can um and being open uh to discuss o these with others who may choose to you may choose to engage with is one of the ways that we can take an active role in caring for the health of our community.
Skipping the test. Jesse and Steve attended a swinger party and during the opening circle when attendees were disclosing general STI results, Steve leaned into Jesse and said, "We need to be careful. There are a lot of dirty people here." Later that night, Jesse approached a new interest, Katie, to play with her and Steve. Katie first asked for their names and when they were last tested. Steve said, "Well, it's been a year, but I'm clean." Katie chose not to engage and not only walked away disgusted, but left the party for fear of relaxed testing practices that could increase her risk for STI. There were so many things wrong with Steve's response. First, by not testing for a year, Steve put himself and others at risk. Second, Steve was prepared to have sex with Katie without even knowing her name and would not have likely asked for her STI results since Katie was the one who prompted him. Knowing this, Katie had no faith that his sexual practices were healthy, nor that his results could still be depended upon. Finally, by responding that he was clean, Steve immediately positioned anyone who may have an STI as dirty. Using stigmatizing language deters people from getting tested and speaking openly about sexual health. Globally, more than 60 adults, 60% of adults have HSV1, 2, or HPV, highlighting the importance of increased awareness, agency, and ownership of sexual health conversations. The moral of the story is simple here. Get tested. Be prepared to discuss it. Proceed with alignment to your personal boundaries, but also be aware of your language.
Keeping it casual. For some, play parties can be an excellent way to maintain the primacy of a current relationship while exploring casual sex or connections with others. Whether you're attending a play party or a sex club, you have the opportunity to arrive and leave with the same partner, which can significantly reduce confusion and emotional turmoil early on. The setup allows you to discover what you like and don't like in a relatively safe emotional environment. I often share with people that these spaces can help think to help to keep things casual. I have friends who have been married for over a decade and have successfully maintained sexual openness while perver preserving emotional primacy for years. For many couples just starting their journey into open relating, the typical approach is to begin with sexual openness while clearly defining emotional boundaries. Parties can offer a container to make it easier to maintain those boundaries than dating can. If you're attending a play party or sex club, communicate your intentions upfront. As you engage with others, be clear about your status and desires by using the RBDsMA framework. Misha explains that a simple example could be, "I really only have bandwidth to connect here. Is it okay if we're just a play party connection only?" Whatever your desires for the evening and beyond, helping those you engage with to understand what they can expect from you allows for more authentic co-creation of experiences.
The assumption trap. Rebecca assumed that everyone was on the same page regarding intentions and boundaries at a play party because she saw a play party as a casual space. She engaged in a flirty conversation that led to physical intimacy with Yumi, only to later discover that Yumi was under the impression that this was beginning of a deeper relationship. This led to hurt feelings and misunderstandings and a few awkward encounters at future events. To avoid this, take the time to explicitly communicate your intentions and desires before engaging in any physical activities.
Exercise. Set the standard. Taking a pause and setting expectations can be as simple question as simple as a question or two. And many of the questions we explored earlier when connecting with folks ahead of a party apply here as well. What are you looking for tonight? Do you prefer to keep things casual or do you prefer a continued connection with people you engage with after events? Do you have boundaries or agreements that I should be aware of before we engage? Being intentional about showing slowing things down and taking space to communicate with a potential lover not only sets clear expectations, but also shows respect for the other person's feelings and relationship status.
Three cups of tea. If you've never been to a play party or sex positive event, I strongly encourage you to take it slow. Don't get too attached to any specific outcome as it could set you up for disappointment. Low expectations, high possibilities. Set aside those expectations, especially the ones telling you that you'll walk out of an event having had penetrative sex with someone you just met. Spoiler alert, it rarely goes down like that. Being open to what might emerge rather than what we think we want to happen can open the door for some of the most spontaneous and authentic connections and experiences. Just last week, I walked into a play party with zero expectations and not planning to stay more than just a few minutes, but was surprised to see someone that I had been crushing on and was invited into a seat sweet scene with him and his partner. Play spaces can be such fertile ground for the unexpected to emerge. So, try to stay curious. The best thing you can do to make the most of your play party experience is to build relationships, forge friendships, start to cultivate trust. You can do this before, during, and after play events. One of my lovers came to my house the other night and shared her perspective after attending her first play party in August. She said, "The next time I come, I'm not even focused on sex. I just want to build friendships with these people. I'm really excited to cuddle and hang out to get to know them better and have quality time." And I thought to myself, "Yes, that's the whole point."
One concept I often share in play scenes is the idea of three cups of tea. A concept popularized by Greg Mortonson in his book of the same name. The premise is simple. To build trust with anyone, you need to have three unique independent experiences with them. This allows you to get to know each other, discuss a broad range of subjects, and observe how you interact in different environments. This concept translates beautifully into sexually charged spaces. I often think about my wildest and mildest desires when I'm preparing for a play party. My wildest hopes usually lean towards something sexual. But here's the kicker. I never expect those hopes to materialize. In fact, at most play parties, I don't end up having sex with anyone. Instead, I find immense joy in building amazing connections and friendships, some of which have lasted over a decade. Remember, it's called a play party for a reason. I go to play to explore my wonder and curiosity and to build my community. Trust me, if that's your intention, you will have great success at play parties. So, as you prepare for your first play party or dive deeper into the world of open relating, focus on building connections and don't rush into anything. The relationships you can cultivate are worth far more than a fleeting encounter. You'll find that when you prioritize trust and connection, the experiences that follow will be far more rewarding.