Transcription
In the name of God.
Today is 19/10/2025. What are we talking about today? We’ll continue then. We agreed that we have four effects of abuse. The first one is the effect of abandonment, and the other three stem from it. The second is the effect of anger, the third is fear, and the fourth is shame.
So today we'll talk about one of the very important effects—which is anger. How can abuse, unfavorable treatment, uncomfortable or inappropriate behavior, severe deprivation, or past pain make us feel anger—and how do we deal with that anger? We’ll put two important rules here: one related to appearance and expression, and another related to healing.
Of course, we repeat again—we are reading from “The Father I Hate” with some clarifications, which I eventually discovered were already there. Last time I told you that I wrote four, but I was supposed to put abandonment first and let the three come from it. Turns out— I actually did write it that way. I wrote that abandonment is the base and the rest emerge from it— meaning I was being unfair to myself.
Anyway, today we’ll talk about resentment. What’s the difference between resentment and anger? Resentment is anger marked by helplessness and aging. What does that mean? Anger is clear—you feel someone has crossed your boundaries, you sense injustice, unfairness, something out of place, someone violating what’s yours— or your will. So naturally, what happens first? Frustration—followed by anger.
Anger is always linked to a certain level of frustration. There was a specific expectation that wasn’t met, a boundary that was crossed— and anger always has a very clear purpose. The main purpose of anger is to correct things. Pointless anger—anger just for the sake of anger—this isn’t what we’re talking about. We’re talking about a form of anger that is healthy and natural, the anger humans normally have. Every emotion has a purpose. And the purpose of anger is correction. Someone violates your boundaries—you get angry to correct the situation, retrieve, defend, or block it. You push back, restore and redraw the boundaries, and prevent more violations of this kind. So anger is ultimately one of our self-protection mechanisms—completely natural.
As humans—as children— as people—when we’re mistreated or when things don’t go the way we want, we feel frustration. And frustration isn’t meant to paralyze you—remember that. Something frustrates me, so I get angry, then I start changing it. Like walking into a messy room— you find chaos, so you get irritated, get angry—and that anger makes you move, clean up, fix what’s broken— or call whoever messed it up to come repair it. So frustration naturally triggers a motivating, driving energy in human behavior— and that’s the energy of anger.
Anger is a driving energy, and if this energy gets suppressed or blocked—it becomes very difficult. Why? Because its nature is movement— its nature is to make you act, strive, adjust things. And here we reach resentment. So the first one is anger. Resentment is anger that has been restrained and crushed by helplessness—and secondly, by age. Meaning what? It’s old anger that has been aging inside you— from a time when you were unable to make any change. So the anger lost its purpose.
What does losing purpose mean? We agreed that anger naturally seeks correction. But here—there was no correction. “You? Nothing. You’ll stay helpless. Facing a source of authority you couldn’t challenge, a situation you couldn’t change" so this anger, which didn’t move toward correction, expression, or reclaiming what was lost— became sealed. It could not be released or transformed into active energy—so it got restrained, inhibited. And since energy cannot be created or destroyed—right? It can only transform— this suppressed anger can't just disappear. It becomes old, fermented inside— and when anger gets bottled up, it doesn’t fade. It stays aging. Like we talked about before— the inner “bottles” inside us—this is exactly what happens. The anger goes in and ferments inside— What do we do with it? We literally pickle it — we stash the anger inside and bury it, and we keep adding more and more to it. And this aging process naturally increases the concentration of the anger. Fresh anger, you know, is easy — someone snaps, vents, then it’s over. Right? But aged anger is extremely concentrated. It can’t calm down with the usual soothing. That won't work with you — remember this part. So it becomes aged — like a vintage perfume, or like a substance you leave long enough for the water to evaporate, so it thickens and thickens and thickens, and its effect becomes stronger and more potent. And that’s exactly what we call resentment.
What is it? It’s a child who felt frustration — frustration leads to anger — but that anger was suppressed and never allowed to pass through. And this is one of the most important points in parenting: we often don’t allow our children to express their anger. We treat anger like an insult, a shame, a flaw in our parenting. We see a child’s anger when frustrated as something ugly that must be removed. So unfortunately, in all our societies, we raise children by trimming away their anger — filing it down. We keep trying to remove it: we want a child like skimmed milk or decaf coffee — a child stripped of anger. And even more so if it’s a girl. Even more. We want an anger-less child, especially when speaking to adults or authority figures. So we’re all raised believing anger is deeply disgraceful, and that having anger at all means we weren’t raised properly. “You’re not well-raised.” “You’re not disciplined.” So we never learned how to tame anger — only how to suppress it. We turn anger into resentment. You’re angry? Swallow it. Stuff it inside that internal little box. But you’re not allowed to express it, so you express it badly once, and you’re taught, “That’s not how expression works.” “That’s not how release works. That’s not how anger is handled.” And the real crisis in how we treat our children — even after we become “aware” — is that we still don’t know how to handle their anger, because we don’t know how to handle our own. So we imagine anger is threatening. We fear anger, we fear outbursts, we fear that sudden surge of rage. We fear it so much that we constantly try to suppress it, purify them from this “stain” called anger. that doesn’t work. So we demand that they hide it or rip it out completely. And we start turning them into domesticated, anger-less people. And when anger disappears, what takes its place? Fear. Untamed anger — anger we never learned to contain or handle — vacates its space for fear. And then it enters the aging phase.
Now, when it comes to aging in the cabinet of resentment, pay close attention because this part is extremely important. Remember how we talked— —about abandonment last time? This time we’re talking about anger, and saying that anger eventually turns into resentment. 78 It starts aging, right? And when it ages, it concentrates even more and turns into resentment, leaving room— 79 —for the feeling that always comes right after anger, loves this spot, and works in it intensely: fear. 80 These two always walk together, by the way. One turns into the other, and all along— 81 —one keeps fearing anger, and the one who stops getting angry starts fearing. So you get this very complex story. 82 We’ll talk about it in detail throughout the series. So remember: the first thing we do— 83 —with so many of our kids and so many adults with this issue, is that instead of— 84 —learning how to deal with anger, anger became permanently “dirty.” And sometimes we even misunderstood— 85 —some religious texts about anger, and treated anger itself as something shameful, as a feeling—not the unhealthy expression of it. 86 Not the crazy, explosive, chaotic expression of it. No, no, no—not that. 87 We assumed anger itself was inherently bad, so it became considered a sin in and of itself. 88 So we added more and more layers of “defilement” on top of it, and anger became something that must always be suppressed. 89 But suppressed anger doesn’t disappear—it turns into resentment. So we understood resentment— 90 —as aged anger, wrapped and restrained by helplessness. It can’t be expressed, and at the same time— 91 —it’s marked as “dirty.” It’s marked dirty because you’re told: “You can’t talk to elders like that.” 92 “You’re disrespectful.” It becomes a stain on you, on your upbringing—sometimes even on your morals. 93 Sometimes simply having anger is treated as a stain on your faith. We never understood that it’s actually about how you express it. 94 And that anger in religious contexts is sometimes used metaphorically to refer to reckless, harmful expression— 95 —to rashness, to attacking others, to harming them out of that anger. So sometimes— 96 —the whole is used to express the part. That’s very common in Arabic—it’s called— 97 —metonymy. So this anger gets tightened, concentrated, and chained with helplessness, making room for fear. And it doesn't stop there.
The difference between anger and resentment is that resentment shapes behavior continuously, while anger is momentary. What’s the difference? Look— 99 Anger is like a big empty bubble—it rises— 100 —and then bursts into nothing. You express it a bit, make some noise, then calm down. We see this often. But resentment— 101 —resonates constantly. It keeps us tense, irritable. It keeps us poisoned with resentment— 102 —with congestion, dealing with the world as if we’re constantly smelling something foul. Truly. 103 We all grow up and deal with the world like nothing pleases us. “I’m disgusted; everything annoys me.” 104 That’s resentment. It’s basically aging. It creates that… you know— 105 —that essence, that bad odor we feel clinging to the world the whole time— 106 —you know when you see someone who’s never satisfied? Always snarky— 107 —what they call “their soul is stuck in their nose”—exactly that. Resentment keeps driving behavior, making you interpret— 108 —everything happening around you as threats. And that’s the difference between resentment and anger. That’s why— 109 —when we talk about resentment and healing, saying “Watch out for resentment.” And people respond: 110 “Oh, resentment is just a feeling—let people feel it.” No, you don’t understand. Anger is the feeling. 111 Resentment is a whole condition that affects the person—making them, instead of being protected, perceive— 112 —every single thing that happens—every move, every pause, every encounter with anything— 113 —in the world as a threat. Anger reacts to a real threat; resentment reacts to everything as if it's a threat. 114 That’s why when we talk about resentment it's poison, stay aware of its roots. You might say, “Hold on—I'm not— 115 —understanding. Sometimes you talk about anger and say: contain it, accept it, deal with it, breathe through it, transcend it—as we’ll explain later. 116 —but then in another video you talk about resentment and you keep saying: No, let go of your resentment. 117 Surrender your resentment, be careful because it’s controlling your actions.” Yes—because now you’re understanding— 118 —you’re understanding that resentment is different from anger. Anger is a protection mechanism; it’s a driver for defense; a driver for justice— 119 —a driver for correction. As long as harm is being done to you, anger is natural. But resentment? All the harm is happening inside here—all the fears— 120 —are happening here. Everything in the world becomes a threat. “How could you say that?” When— 121 —it’s actually just a normal sentence. That’s the difference between anger and resentment. You know when you see a person— 122 —who’s angry even before anyone does anything? Angry at a word before— 123 —it’s even said? Someone we always have to tiptoe around. And sometimes we are that person— 124 —the type whose whole mood can get ruined because one car cut them off on the road. I’m one of them. 125 That’s exactly it: someone cuts you off while driving, and you feel a violent surge, your mood collapses, and you— 126 —act like it’s become the issue of your entire life. Suddenly: “Forget work. Forget being late.” And even if your family is with you— 127 —you snap at them. That—exactly—is resentment. Resentment controlling your actions. You start seeing the smallest— 128 —behaviors as threats. You start turning ordinary problems into grand crises. You end up fighting windmills—constantly— 129 —quarreling with things that shouldn’t logically provoke that level of anger in you. 130 And this brings us to the rule. The rule—let’s say it together: anger that becomes suppressed and turns into resentment— 131 —has specific characteristics. Five of them. Keep them in mind: it’s rigged, transferred, reversed, masked, and embodied. What does all that mean? 132 Step by step. It will all make sense. First: it’s rigged. What does “rigged” mean? Like— 133 —we just explained: it makes you see everything in the world as a threat. As if you’re constantly— 134 —carrying a mine ready to explode. You don’t need someone to make a huge mistake—someone sneezes next to you— 135 —and you get angry. “Like… what? They sneezed?” That’s how it is. Your spirit is on edge. That’s rigged anger— 136 —so you find yourself constantly irritable. Especially when the “target” is safe— 137 —or when it’s someone unknown. Meaning what? With authority figures you suppress it—because you’re trained by the old system. 138 But with your kids—you’re constantly irritable. With your spouse—constantly irritable. 139 With friends—constantly irritable. With strangers—constantly irritable. That’s exactly how it works. 140 So anger that has turned into resentment has a very important nature: it’s rigged. The smallest thing— 141 —makes you angry. The smallest thing makes you explode. The smallest thing makes you lose your temper. 142 The smallest thing makes you feel hurt. And by the way—anger doesn’t always mean outward expression or— 143 —externalized reactions like confrontation or conflict. Not at all. Sometimes it results in internal hurt: someone told me something— 144 —they said something that wounded me. They said something I didn’t like. So I got angry—but I don’t necessarily show it. 145 I might suppress it inside. That too is a form of anger—a form of resentment— 146 —so this person becomes… More sensitive — overly sensitive all the time. His pain threshold is low, and his irritability, anxiety, and tendency to explode are all low. The smallest thing can trigger his protective reaction — fight or flight. He either fights, runs, or withdraws. So we become more sensitive, and that brings us to what we were talking about in the other episode. the past is gone, forget it, focus on today,” well, today you’re exhausting everyone around you. It makes interpretation excessive, so we can’t see reality. It’s constant overinterpretation — “She didn’t reply? Ah, she must not care anymore.” Today you’re constantly irritable, thinking your anger is caused by their actions — not realizing the past is still alive inside you. That past is still affecting you to this moment, Maybe she’s just in the bathroom, but because I’m upset, I assume the worst. I’m upset — sir, I was angry even before I called. I’m naturally resentful, so I’m waiting and the people around you are paying the price. As the great “philosopher” Saber Al-Rubaie said, for something from outside to legitimize releasing that resentment. Remember: you’re constantly “Take your revenge and put out your fire on those who came before me.” He understands that the past matters — you don’t need psychologists to tell you that. Settle it. Extinguish your fire. looking for something to justify anger that already exists inside you. We walk through life searching from what you saw before me. I’m not responsible for what you went through before me. for a cause for anger we don’t actually understand. It’s already there — as if it’s built in. Very often, we turn the people we love into punching bags for our old pain — for releasing I’m always looking for something.. like an illegitimate child, desperately seeking someone to claim it say “Yes, yes, you provoked me — you’re the reason for my anger.” “No, YOU’re the reason I’m upset.” old anger. And then someone trivial — sorry not trivial —shallow oh shallow is not good word as well Emad ! a person comes and says, “Why talk about the past? The reason… oh especially when it’s our kids or our spouse — that’s when it gets worse. Our main problem — and the reason we suffer — is that we might be carrying old pain Let’s just live in the present.” He doesn’t realize he himself isn’t a child of the present. that we never dealt with. So when someone tells you “Don’t dig into the past, He lives in today, sure, but his memory is still affecting his behavior today. He says “I’m a child of today,” but he’s still poisoned by old resentment — stuck in old emotions he must resolve before he can actually belong to today. So when we open the past, we’re trying to live today as today. We open the past to make a clean cut. A cut? Yes, a real cut. We can’t move on if the past keeps popping its head in. You’re living your life and suddenly it barges in — “Hey, look what they said!” “That word is offensive!” Past wounds, old sensitivity from humiliation, bullying, or comments that attacked your masculinity, your femininity, your looks, your body — all of that made you more sensitive, so now every word, look, or situation feels like an echo of old pain. You became more sensitive, more reactive, unable to stay present today — unless you look at the past and cut it off. “Forget the past?” Even if I forget it, it hasn’t forgotten me. You all know this. Even if I forget it, Even if I try to forget it, Although I am fully aware that there is no such thing as intentional act of forgetting. There’s no such thing as forced forgetting. You can’t push yourself into forgetting. It doesn’t work that way my friend — forgetting doesn’t come like that. And healing doesn’t come either until you look the pain in the eye and see how it’s affecting your life today. There is no such thing as “forgotten debt” unless it’s paid. Old debts don’t expire. Unfortunately, past debts don’t disappear with time. It’s like having a check you haven’t cleared — every checkpoint stops you. You hope, “Maybe they’ll forget at the next checkpoint,” but they don’t. They’ll stop you again. You won’t move on until you settle it. You say, “But it’s an old debt, four years old!” Doesn’t matter. Every checkpoint will stop you and say, “Sir, you have pending cases.” And off you go — paperwork, bail, whatever. Why not save yourself the trouble and go back to the past, pull out that check, and pay it? That’s the whole story. So when we talk about the past, we’re not reopening wounds or seeking drama — and no, let's not doing emotional breakdown things. Toughen up a bit. We look at the past because it’s still stuck. It still affects our life today. We look at it not to relive memories — but to understand what’s still showing up today, what’s still affecting us right now. So we can realize that this constant anger, this sensitivity, needs to be cut off. This inner child inside me needs comfort — he needs someone to tell him, “you're not the one to blame—let it fall on me it's all right" Yes, with all this simplicity. But you don’t want to look at it. You want to skip it without paying that old debt. So the first trait of this resentment is that it’s explosive — it increases your sensitivity, keeps you agitated, and makes your reactions exaggerated. That’s the first form. The second form is: it’s transferable. Always ready to be transferred. What does that mean? It means there’s a saying — excuse me need to say it — “He couldn’t handle the donkey, so he took it out on the saddle.” And yesterday’s donkey makes all today’s saddles pay the price. Meaning what? He couldn’t confront the donkey — the one capable of kicking him — so he takes it out on the saddle — an object he can move however he wants. So the more you notice a kind of tension that’s hard to understand. Eventually, she realizes that to resolve her issues with her daughter, she needs to revisit and re-examine her relationship with her mother. the person in front of me is able to receive my anger—or allow it to pass through without reacting in a way I scare the more he pays for other's actions and billes and that's the real crisis we face with our children and her relationship with her body so that she starts interacting with her daughter, because there’s a real issue with this ancient feminine symbol. She starts embodying her mother and interacts with her daughter the same way she was treated. Often, we transfer our anger — and imagine if this angry or resentful person is a manager at work or has authority. A lot of the anger we hold toward our parents ends up being directed at our children and we see that very often you’ll see someone who finally starts unleashing his old vengeance. But he never gets satisfied. you find a girl who had issues with her mother, and as soon as her problems with her mother clearly show up in her relationship with her daughter, Can you imagine? The problem with resentment — unlike anger — is that anger calms down once the situation is fixed. But resentment doesn’t. Resentment exists just to exist. Its goal isn’t to fix anything. Even if you fix the situation today, tomorrow it’ll reinterpret something else as an insult — an offense — and try to “correct” it again. Resentment is never satisfied. Anger gets satisfied — resentment doesn’t. That’s why — God help you — if your boss is a resentful person. And God help you I can’t handle the big symbol, but I can deal with the small, weak symbol. Very often, actually. if your father is resentful from his own story. And God help those around you if you are resentful. That’s the issue: resentment is deceptive, manipulative. It constantly brings up old accounts and redirects them toward — what? — the weak spots. You know when there’s pressure building inside a container? It always bursts at the weakest point. That’s exactly what happens. I have anger, resentment, so it always breaks out in my life at the weakest points — and sometimes those weak points are the people we love most. Maybe our kids. Maybe a good, kind friend — and suddenly he becomes your leaning wall, the one you unload on over and over. So that’s the nature of resentment — it’s always transferred. Constantly moving, taking new forms, new symbols, making new people pay yesterday’s bills. That’s its nature. Number three: it turns inward. And this one is the hardest. What does it mean? It means if it finds no one outside to unload on, it turns on you. And that’s the most painful part. Sometimes, our episodes of depression are actually anger turned inward — resentment from old situations, old people, old memories — and now there’s nowhere to discharge it. No weak point to redirect it onto. Or maybe redirecting it didn’t satisfy you. So the anger flips onto the self. Often depression is anger or resentment misdirected — it gets directed toward the self. So there’s violent anger toward yourself — constant harsh accusations: accusing yourself of failure, of inadequacy, of being “not enough.” The self becomes the target — becomes another person you attack. The self becomes the punching bag you unload on. So instead of settling your score and extinguishing your fire elsewhere, you start extinguishing your fire in yourself. Imagine that — you become the accused, the judge, and the executioner all at once. You’re the victim, and at the same time, you inflict punishment on the very place that hurts. This is when we reach the severe state — self-flagellation. “I want to break something outside?” “I want to stab people with screwdrivers?” No — I do it to myself. And it takes many symbolic forms. Sometimes through self-sabotage — destroying my own life, addictive behaviors, ruining everything. Sometimes through physically harming myself — even using the body itself as an object to discharge the anger. You see it all the time — someone gets angry and punches a wall. You hit your own hand. That’s why many people — and this phrase appears in recovery literature — describe resentment as drinking poison while imagining the other person will die. I’m angry at someone — so I drink the poison. We see it so often — people who are angry destroy their own lives. They ruin everything because they’re angry. Like Samson, “Let me die with my enemies” — except he’s not Samson at all. And sometimes this “me against the world” becomes “me against myself,” you know? Like a little kid who sulks — when you tell him not to play with the toy, he throws it on the floor and breaks it. We end up doing the same. We break our own lives because we're angry at some disappointment, so we destroy our lives, even the good things in it. This is the problem with resentment when it turns inward. So when we talk about dealing with past resentment, we’re not joking — we're talking about something serious, something deeply impactful in our lives. Let’s go back again: sensitive, explosive, transferred onto innocent people, and turned inward — damaging our own lives. Number four: it’s disguised. What does disguised mean? It plays another game — it takes different forms, not always anger. Sometimes it comes as sharp sarcasm — constant mocking, judgment, belittling others. People who are always sarcastic are usually angry. Sometimes it appears as excessive niceness. You know when someone is dying inside but still gives that fake yellow smile? It flips into the opposite. Instead of turning anger toward others, it turns into extreme niceness. There is this overly sweet kindness all the time — and many people like that, people who are too nice, overly accommodating — they have suppressed, hardened anger. Anger that is not allowed to come out at all. They're not allowed to express any anger, ever. So they become the “mister nice guy,” the endlessly supportive girl — always helping, always serving. Working in customer service, constantly talking to people nicely while cursing them on the inside. All the time smiling, handing out flowers metaphorically, acting cute and calm while internally boiling. All the time pretending, while deep inside wishing to throw everyone into the Nile — “let me just be done with you.” They have intense anger, and the only unconscious way to manage it is by being excessively nice. “But that’s not a problem, right Emad?” “No, it is till at some point it leads to dissolving their boundaries.” They start accumulating more and more resentment until they explode. Yes, they’re kind… But sometimes too kind — allowing others to hurt them, cross their boundaries more and more and more. They keep pushing away any anger, not allowing themselves to express it at all. Unlike the other guy who explodes at anything, this one never reacts — no matter what you do, he becomes everyone’s doormat. He becomes the person everyone leans on — the weak wall. Once I saw a tuk-tuk with a phrase on it… I told you before — it said: “Turn your back into a carpet for everyone to step on.” I know it’s a strange phrase, but honestly they write powerful things sometimes — “turn your back into a carpet so everyone can walk over it.” “Turn your back into a carpet for everyone to step on.” So when I turn my back into a carpet, I shouldn’t be surprised when the whole world steps on it. But I’m already full of resentment — so what happens? I keep accumulating more and more until I reach explosive moments. Explosive moments like what? Either hypersensitivity, being constantly triggered… Or this anger gets directed at the people I love. Or it flips inward… Into a depressive episode, or self-destruction, or harming myself in any form — because this is the third shape of resentment: It becomes disguised — wearing a mask, appearing as something else. Now for part five, the hardest one… And what we often don’t realize is that it can become embodied — what does that mean? It means it turns into physical symptoms, bodily symptoms. So much of our unexpressed anger, the anger we never voiced or dealt with, starts showing up. You know those symptoms that just appear in our bodies with no clear medical reason? Chronic headaches with no known cause, constant irritable bowel issues, frequent stomach irritation, persistent body aches. If any of you now recognize that fibromyalgia has become very common and is spreading widely, even among very young people— fibromyalgia: ongoing physical pain all the time. Sometimes— not always — but often, many of these unexplained physical pains, after all physiological and medical causes are ruled out, are actually emotions we never processed. So they turn into what? Into embodiment — they appear in the body. Since you’re unable to express these emotions or contain them, the only way your body knows to make you listen is through pain and illness. Some people only feel relieved when they fall ill. Some people cannot hear themselves — cannot hear their own emotions — unless they’re physically unwell. So the body finds no other way to express these emotions except by turning them into a physical symptom. And this is the issue. So the rule says: this anger that turned into resentment due to suppression has five characteristics. Let’s go: explosive -understood sensitivity-, displaced projected onto others constantly, and self-directed turned inward as self-sabotage. And embodied — that last one is important — that it turns into something physical. And disguised — that it turns into exaggerated politeness or sarcasm. Let’s repeat them: explosive, displaced, self-directed, disguised, embodied. Keep them in mind. You’ll find more detail in the chapter on deep resentment or the angry child. Let's read a few soft lines from the chapter on anger. And maybe we begin with that beautiful quote by Antonio Gramsci: “The crisis lies in that the old has not yet died, and the new has not yet been born” The new hasn’t fully arrived yet. It hasn’t been born completely, and the old hasn’t fully died. So I’m standing in between. And this is the crisis of so many in our generation — his old past hasn’t died, and his new hasn’t fully formed. So they stand in the middle. We talked about how anger continues to surface, but chooses to play a game that allows it to appear indirectly — the game of disguise we mentioned earlier. Anger may also disguise itself through displacement — directing it toward windmills, choosing one scapegoat after another to carry the anger instead of the real source. We shift the anger away from its true origin, so we become resentful toward everything. Sometimes our faces fill with displeasure — nothing satisfies us, nothing pleases us. We curse the broken phone and complain about the afternoon heat far more than usual, because even the sun ends up paying part of our internal anger bill. We explode over a small comment or a simple situation — these are the people we call “short-tempered.”
Now let's close? No let's go to the treatment. Let me tell you something related to healing. It may seem silly or simple, but I swear this is what I’ve been trying to say throughout the series: we exaggerate things. Truly — many people inflate the past in two ways: some magnify it so much that it feels impossible to heal from, and others by trying just to disregard and minimize it, telling you “just forget it, cause it's complcated if you will dig deep on it you will stuck there and you will never be able to get out of it" Both sides exaggerate. What I’ve been trying to explain from the last episode is that healing is a spontaneous process — just like our bodies heal naturally when we clean a wound, our inner selves also heal when we simply look inward. Let me tell you something strange. I once worked as a medical coordinator after graduating — a tough job, but it taught me a lot. Your job in that role — though no one says it directly — is to carry everyone’s burdens. You sit in the hospital, not as a doctor or a manager, but in admin — and your main task is to solve problems. you know when people waiting for hours, complaining why someone else went in first — you get all the shouting. People upset about paperwork or delays — and you fix it. As fresh graduates, our unofficial job was to absorb people’s anger. They don’t tell you that — they call you a coordinator, responsible for ensuring workflow runs smoothly. But I learned so much from that job — I saw angry children as a grown adults frustrated about so many things, waiting for the smallest trigger to explode all the time. Shouting at nurses, doctors, reception — and I’m no different when I’m on the other side I was doing the same. But with these angry people, you have two options: either you give him what he wants and fix the actual issue if there is one. as sometimes there is nothing can be fixed; he has to wait untill his turn comes what we can do ? nothing can be done this is your turn. but sometimes the problem is real, and he is being wronged. You have two options to calm him down. It was something truly remarkable, and it may seem simple to people, but it really made a huge difference when you see it day and night. That you actually remove the injustice they felt, or give them what they wanted, or grant them what they longed for. That you soothe them — “You’re right, I get it. I truly understand what you went through.” “I know this is real, and I fully understand your fear for your son, the one you were waiting for.” “I genuinely understand, and if it were up to me, I’d let everyone in — honestly, if I could.” Sometimes this form of soothing actually does something in the face of that anger. The other approach is, “This is what we have. This is what’s available.” And sometimes that triggers them intensely, even when there’s nothing you can actually do. Even if the injustice is only imagined in their mind — there’s no real injustice — it’s not helpful to tell them, “There’s no injustice.” What matters is that you can offer something called validating their feelings. That mirroring calms anger dramatically. And honestly, those few months taught me so much: learned a great deal from it—at the very least, I no longer feared those overwhelming outbursts of anger. knowing that anger has only one of two solutions until you go inward and meet your angry inner child: you have one of two options with that angry child and that is the rule of healing, how we can heal From this resentment— first, give him what he wanted. If you wanted it, then give it to yourself. Not everything can be given, yes — but some things can. I know so many people, truly, who were deprived in childhood, and when they grew up, they compensated themselves. I swear, one of the things that heals the most — let whoever laughs, laugh, and whoever gets upset, get upset — and whoever knows my father, go tell him: so many of the things we were deprived of as kids, we can not only give to our own children — we can give them to ourselves. Many pleasures and wishes we never got as kids, we can fulfill them for ourselves as adults. Is this unrelated to anger? Yes — but it soothes. Because very often, this angry child inside us — the “inner child,” if we admit it exists, though I personally don’t love this term — I’m not fully convinced by it, but let’s just go along with it for now — that in the end, it’s simply a part of your memory. You don’t just have an inner child, inner teen, inner adult, inner infant — they’re all you. They’re just different regions in your memory. And this painful memory in you, this wounded part of your past — you can sometimes soothe it by fulfilling its wishes. My kids often ask me for things I simply cannot give them. Impossible. They have school tomorrow, but they want to stay up playing until 2 a.m. Sometimes you won’t be able to give them what they want. But you’ll find that when you give them something else, they might calm down and smile. Like: “Okay, I upset you today — here, take this chocolate.” Sometimes — yes, sometimes giving them something small has the power to absorb, soothe, and soften their anger. So sometimes you don’t need to deal with the main cause directly — instead, you deal with the main frustration. Meaning, you don’t necessarily need to go confront that bully who hurt you back in primary school. But if you look at your inner child — look at your inner self — what did that version of you need at that moment? What did they wish for? And now, after life has blessed you and you’ve grown strong, you can finally give it to them. Give it to them. Even if it’s something as simple as a small secret joy. Remember Meccano sets — you always wanted one? Fine — go buy it. Hide it. Lock your door. Sit and play with it. Knowing fully well that in that moment, you’re reconciling, compensating — doing reparenting. Reparenting that wounded inner child. These things seem small — but they make a huge difference, truly. Going out to buy something for yourself, buying yourself those shoes — and doing it consciously, knowing that at that moment you’re engaging in a form of reparenting, of healing, of compensation. That you’re offering reparations to that hurt, wounded child — even if you weren’t the one who caused the wound. You’re soothing them. You know when I scold my son, and then his mother comes and comforts him? It calms him — it makes a big difference. So it doesn’t have to be the original person. Of course, ideally — yes, it would be wonderful if the same person who hurt you came back. But they won’t. We’re grown now — what, are we going to sit here listing what they did and insisting they must apologize? It’s over. No one is coming. No one is apologizing. You’re sitting here like this… We keep releasing our anger, redirecting the same anger, recreating the same circumstances, and raising tired children, same exhaustion. So why not break this cycle? Let’s see — there’s a sad child. Let’s look at him. There’s the father, the big grown man, but inside him, a angry child stands at the clinic, shouting at the nurse. Let’s call the operations coordinator inside us and ask, “What’s wrong, handsome man? Why are you upset?” The handsome is upset about what? He tells us, “Well, he did this.” Sometimes we just sit and have coffee in the office — a little ritual we do three-quarters of the time. Sit with me, have coffee, understand from him, see what’s going on. Sometimes you’re dealing with a big man, honestly — intimidating, sometimes huge, maybe powerful. You’re stressed. So just invite him for coffee. Ask what he wants, tell the office boy to be late with the coffee. and you chat, what do you work and so on. This small reconciliation often calms down the situation. Instead of turning it into a complex resentment, all we often need is this gentle attention: giving the child exactly what he needed, or giving an alternative, or a gentle pat, a validation of his feelings. Sometimes this is what we need to do with our inner children. so the rule is simple: Step one in healing is containment — giving exactly what was desired. If something was blocked, if a wish was not fulfilled because someone deprived you of a passion or hobby, you can now give it to yourself — no problem at all. So giving this child exactly what he needed, or an alternative replacement, sometimes a pat, understanding, or validating his feelings. Step one in healing: containment. Step two: And at the end of this session, I know I’ve extended a bit, expressing anger: you might think I’m still talking about expression. We understand expression of anger. Expression doesn’t have to mean cursing, rudeness, hitting, shouting, or breaking things. That’s what we often assume anger expression is. But it doesn’t have to be. There are two, maybe three originaly , but two may more realistic ways to express anger in front of us. Let’s say there are three main ways. The first is simply talking calmly to someone, even if you’re angry, and expressing your anger to the person who caused the pain. Direct confrontation. Many people from our past are no longer present. Sometimes realistically, we cannot confront them. Sometimes their capacity to understand is very limited. So we could expose ourselves to more. Let’s be realistic — it’s not always about “go face them.” We live in a world where not everyone will understand even a simple greeting or polite words. The confrontation method is excellent when available, but sometimes it’s not. For me, other ways to express anger are sometimes more useful in managing it. The other two of the three: catharsis and sublimation. What’s catharsis? Processing your anger, simply expressing it. Not necessarily facing someone. You can write about it, writing a letter to the person, without sending it. Record a voice note without sending it. Sometimes we imagine speaking to them via camera — colleagues in therapy call it the empty chair technique. Put a chair, speak as if they’re there. It can be symbolic or imaginary. I prefer writing I see it extremely powerful. You can write as if addressing the person, or to yourself, expressing your anger, what hurt you, and patting yourself through writing. Writing works as a method called secondary processing. What’s that? Anger and resentment often keep ruminating endlessly, thinking, replaying it, unable to release it. When you write it down, you do alternative processing — a different kind of processing. It does a secondary alternative processing, instead of the processing that doesn’t want to stop inside the mind, so the mind can rest. What’s the relationship? Simply put, our brain tries to protect us. The one burned by the soup ends up blowing on the yogurt because it’s constantly reminding you, “You got burned by the soup, be careful.” The brain constantly recalls moments of pain to protect you, thinking this is the only way you’ll remember, always pressing memories, feelings, or urges to avoid, protecting you from past pain. So when you write it down, you send a message to your brain: “I know, I learned the lesson, I understood it, I turned it into a story. No need to remind me again.” Then the brain stops the rumination process that he was doing all the time. Sometimes writing is a form of alternative processing. That’s why we often say: keep a diary when you feel anger. Grab paper and pen and write. This is why religious heritage and prophetic guidance, and sayings of the righteous, often advise: “In a moment of anger, step away. If standing, sit. If sitting, lie down. If unsure, perform ablution, wash your face.” They constantly talk about creating a delay, giving yourself a moment to think, to cool the fire within, process it, decode it. If you can’t write, at least create these delay moments. These forms help a lot in dealing with old resentment. Expression can sometimes be artistic. You can write a story of your anger. Like Quentin Tarantino, a very angry person. These kinds of movies could only come from an angry person, but this is a different form of expression. Artistic expression is accepted differently. You might narrate to someone else, not person who caused the anger. This also helps greatly in relief. Another form of release is sublimation. What’s sublimation? Transforming anger into productive energy or socially acceptable forms. Many angry people play intense sports to release their anger, channeling the energy. Instead of hitting their child, fighting their spouse, or shouting at subordinates. They release it through boxing or other activities. This is one form of sublimation.Another form of sublimation that people often overlook is gaming. "There was a game that became popular back then 456 00:49:26,748 --> 00:49:33,268 — it looked like a doll, and people would hit it, shoot at it, and tear it apart. This type of game is actually a form of sublimation, which explains why it spread so widely. Because we have anger inside, we need outlets. Men often prefer shooter games, slash games, things that let them release tension. These activities are actually useful. Some say they increase anger and aggression, but honestly, they can reduce it. When someone feels a bit angry, he can pause with it so No let your partner play PlayStation, Call of Duty, or whatever it is good for mental health. Honestly, just let him curse at Eto’o for messing up the ball while he has that big mustache Let him vent there instead of later complaining about the food’s temperature or the salt. This is one of the ways people can deal with anger. that's a form of sublimation. Also through symbolic art: painting, music, writing stories, journals, films — all these forms make a huge difference in handling anger. So these are practical and artistic ways to transform and release it. So let's set the second rule for healing this deep resentment inside us. There are two main paths ahead. The first path is containment, by fulfilling what the child lost or granting alternative wishes, compensatory wishes, or soothing them through acknowledgment and containing their feelings. This is number one. Number two is release, which itself has two ways: first, venting, through writing, talking, or confronting — God knows. Number two, sublimation, by transforming this anger into something socially acceptable, sometimes artistic, sometimes symbolic. Whatever way you do it — playing sports, turning it into art, or even expressing it in a game or competitive activity to release this angry energy. Thank you very much. I really want to express my gratitude for the warmth and the kind words in the comments. And I remind those who don’t comment to just write “good morning” or something, so you feel a sense of belonging. Thank you also for appreciating the effort of Amen in the videos, Amen who does the editing, Mashallah, I am honestly impressed with his work. Thank you for the warmth and care you showed. I see you, and see you next Thursday. By the way, we talked about forming groups, and most likely, by the time this episode is released, the method for creating groups will be out — a very simple method. What matters in forming groups is that people speak without anyone interrupting or commenting. Meaning, I say I have idea A or B, whatever it is, and no one tells me I’m wrong, or gives advice, guidance, or direction. People just find a space to discuss these things, a space to express what’s inside them. Usually four or five people know each other. These groups don’t replace consulting a professional. These groups don’t replace medication if needed. They might not work for major traumas that need post-traumatic treatment, which may require medication and therapy with specialists. But four or five people who know each other can hold the rules, discuss, and talk, as long as there’s no advising or directing, and avoiding politics, religion, and uncontrolled relationships. I think I had something else in mind, I don’t exactly remember what it was, but regarding this matter, that’s it. Nothing else besides what I said. If there’s anything else, God willing, I’ll mention it in the next video. See you Thursday at 9 PM. translated by: Ayat Alshawabkeh