Transcription
It's summer blockbuster season. We all know what that means. It's time for some banging blockbusters. I don't get to watch them. You don't let me. I have to watch stuff like Smiley and Winnie the Plant and Honey and stuff like that.
Popeye is now allowed to reign free to do what he wants when it comes to cinematic universes. So now it's public domain. So now we're stuck with uh Troth movies. I watched all three Popeye movies one after another because I hate myself and obviously you hate me because you make me do these things. We're going to stop. We're going to jump in. There's three of them. So, I have to kind of I'm going to have to rank them, I suppose. The look of Popeye. Do I like The Look of Popeye? How much law gets squeezed in? And is it a good movie, I guess, is the is the three. I'm not going to use numbers because whenever I see I'm going to use numbers, I never put them on the video because I forget to talk about numbers about halfway through the movie.
All these films kind of started very similar. We're introduced to some characters. They're unimportant characters because they're there to show what Popeye is. He's a killer. He's a bloodthirsty killer. That's all you need to know about Popeye. So, that's what we get straight off the bat. The first one is we start off that way. This woman's getting robbed and you think, "Oh, Popeye is kind of like an anti-hero. He's going to save this woman." He does save the woman, but then he immediately kills her. So, it was absolutely a waste of time. We got our first glimpse at uh some giant arms when he it's just the arms to start off with, which is a big focus on a lot of these movies is the arms. They have other focuses. They make some choices, but uh the arms are always it's always there. The arms are always important and we obviously straight off the bat get our first quote of "I am what I am." Oh, I'll talk about the quotes as we go on as well because again, it varies how much quotations in Popeye, you know, the Popeye law quotes. I just want to talk about the design. He comes out in the shadows and we see the full Popeye look. I thought this was going to be the worst Popeye look, but I was wrong. This first Popeye look, it looks like a mask. It reminds me of a scene in I think you should leave. This face here reminds me an awful lot of this scene. I'm not doing it. It the entire outfit reminds me of this scene like the the weird rubber ramen face, but predominantly the mask makes me think of that. It's a bunch of college kids. This is also a running theme. It's a bunch of college kids uh making a documentary about Popeye. The Popeye myth. Apparently, there's a Sailor Man. Um I think this was made before they were they were making it as they were unsure if they were allowed to use the term Popeye. So, they use the term Sailor Man throughout the movie. Popeye is a is they're making a documentary about Popeye. He's like a myth or the Sailor Man is like a myth. That's all you need to know really. He's meant to be a myth. He's meant to be like a like a crypted. The backstory is he's just a guy at a dock and then for some reason he just he just started killing people. We do find out they're going to knock down the docks which is why we get a documentary being made about it. When I was in film school, we did a documentary about the guest Carter parking lot because that's in Gates Head, which is around the corner from me. We made a documentary about that because I was getting knocked on. So, this isn't this isn't out of the realms of unusual to be honest with you, before the college kids turn up to the docks. We get out, we get some filler, some fodder. We need some, you know, um, we have the guy who owns the docks, he wants them knocked down and redone. The lawyer who's selling or is trying to sell the docks. She's doing all the paperwork side of stuff or the estate agent, I suppose. They're there just as body fodder. The college kids go to a bar before they they go to the the docks. Uh mainly just to see this girl's boyfriend. I think she works at the bar. Uh the they're basically three bullies. Okay, these are also the fodder of the movie. We need a couple of fodder. The people that we want to die, estate agents, automatically, we want them to die. Lawyers, we want them to die. Business owners, we want them to die if they're big business owners. And we want bullies to die. We meet them, they say they're not going to go. They are going to go. We know, well, we know how these films play out. The kids at the bar bring up um the Sailor Man ghost. Uh and this guy at the bar is like, "It's not a ghost. Sailor man is real. It's a real dude. He is he is messed up." And the the creative he is a real man. We set the bar for most of this. And the bullies say, "Oh, we're going to go to the docks because the the guy who's making the documentary wants to poke this guy's girlfriend." Guy doesn't want to poke his girlfriend. Comes to poke this random woman who looks like uh the really tall woman from Smosh. She's called Cassie Oil, short for Cassandra, you know. They go to the place, he's got to set up cameras. Oh, the whole point is they're making a documentary. Okay, they're they're making a documentary. So, they they split up to put cameras up. They immediately within about 10 minutes they Scooby-Doo the living daylights at this place. The ginger woman who's got the bully boyfriend. She steals the cameras. The Smosh woman, the Cassandra Oil and the documentary guy. They go together. There's only two people. I've described them as three people. They are only two. And then the hot blonde and the jockish guy. They go off together as well. They really Scooby-Doo. We found out we found out this used to be a spinach factory. This is where we actually get a a full view of the Sailor Man. Um arms pretty good. As I say, mask probably a six out of 10. It's not bad. It's not amazing. They did try the outfit pretty good. And they show that he's got multiple of these outfits as well. I don't know why. Like he's like he's a Dexter's from Dexter's Lab. We find out Popeye didn't even kill the estate agent. So, he's chasing her down now. Again, just fodder. We just need a bit of fodder. But the music in this scene is bopping. She tries to escape. She gets scalped. I don't know if I can show any of this. I'm going to try and squeeze a little bit, maybe like three or four frames here. Um, she's she gets scalped. I'm sick of movies scalping and I blame Terrifier for this. It's probably before them. But I am sick of movies scalping people. I don't know what it is. I don't know why I dislike it. I just really do. I just hate scalps in like being scalped in movies. There is no need for it. It's it's it's not even just grotesque. It's just boring at this point because it just looks like you got like a put a bald wig on somebody and cover it in jam. It's not a great look. The documentary guy asks Cassandra out on a date. She says no. Just immediately turns him down. Blows for him. But he does take he did he does take it pretty well to be fair though. So props to him. Props to him for taking it well. Most men in these movies don't take it well. But that does tell me that they're probably going to make it. They're the guys that are going to make it out of the end of the film. It's undeniable at this point. We get to find out why the place shut. There is a spinach contamination. Apparently made people go. It's essentially zombie spinach. It doesn't come back. That's that's not important. It's essentially like a zombie spinach, which is very funny because Popeye in well the first two movies is very very zombieesque. The introduction is very like oh it's a can of spinach and then the next one is a different thing which also creates zombies according to cinema. All the all the characters go into this big metal room and this way we got a a good old horror staple which in this case is a poem. When you smell the smoke from his pipe, he is near. Horror loves poems. He will kill you if you show fear. In fact, at this point, I should be good at writing poems. He gets his strength from a spinach can. But I'm not. He is Popeye, the Sailor Man. But they finally are, God. 50 minutes at 50 minutes into this movie, they name check him. Finally. Oh my god. The Sailor Man. And now we get his name. The redhead runs into her boyfriend who's, you know, aggressive and her two friends, we know they're all going to die, so it doesn't make a difference. He, the chill bully, dies. The not chill bully also dies. How they die, I don't remember. I think one gets their head ripped off. Yeah. Gets his head popped off, which is pretty normal. They they both the redhead and the the the bully boyfriend run away. They both make it. Thank goodness for that. We We've got our six three boys, three girls. It's nice and even. So far, this is this is very nice. It's gender equality. Oh, no, never mind. The bully shoots his own gosh darn girlfriend and she's dead. She's dying. Great. Lovely jobbly. Uh, we don't see her die, but we know she's dead. The cheerleader and the jock are going to do it. They're about to do it. Great. We're going to get some gratuitous sexual advancements here. They They do the Spider-Man case. It's very romantic, to be honest with you. Uh, until blood is poured into the cheerleader's face. She just sort of runs around for a good couple of minutes before she's choke slammed onto the the So, this is the thing, right? Popeye doesn't even kill the jock. They're about to do it and the force of them like making out pushes a couple of metal rods off a top thing and the gravity of the metal rods stabs them and kills them. The blood pops over. Then Popeye does turn up and choke slams her into them metal poles. So that is his fault. But the the jock he doesn't even get it. Like if this was kill count and it's not kill count, but if it was kill count that I don't know if that would that count. He did die but it was like an accident. It's like a you know you know I was actually it's sort of a I was actually given the wrong kind of ladder like accident at work. It's a workplace accident here. Admittedly they're not at work but you know there is only two left. This is where we find out Castor Cassandra Oil is the daughter of Popeye. Are you surprised? Cuz I kind of was at the time, but then I look back as I'm like discussing it with you and I realize I'm just stupid. Like she's called Castor Oil. A mom was called Olive. There was a room, they found a room that was had a photo of a baby and a woman who looked sort of like the actress, but not 100% like the actress. And that was our mom and Popeye was our dad. Okay. Who looks, you know who Popeye looks like before the muted spinach. He looks like the that well-known porn star, the male actor one who's got like a thousand jobs, the meme, you know, Johnny Sins. I wrote down Johnny Sins here in in his house. He just looks like Johnny Sins, the goth boyfriend, who I thought was dead, but he's not dead cuz they I see the insinuate multiple times that he's dead. He shows up and he's trying to like kill Caster Cassandra. So Popeye just rips his arm off and starts beating the crap out of him. And they run away as we just watch the goth boyfriend get the living daylights knocked out of him with his own arm. The irony of being beaten to death with your own arm must be painful. And they just escape like I said they would. Like the entire time I was saying they're just going to escape. They just escape. Nothing happens to Popeye. Everything's perfectly fine. Nothing happens at the end of it. Popeye doesn't die. There was a Popeye still out there. I sort of I thought it was fine. It was like a three out of 10. I say the the Popeye outfit looks pretty good. The Popeye mask is okay. Now looking back, it was just okay. Uh I just I don't think there's anything bad about it. I just don't think there's anything good about it either. This is beating Snow White. I'm going to use Snow White as a measuring tool right now. This is beating Snow White, which is fine, I guess, because Snow White is now the measuring tool for all bad films. I know it's getting review-bombed probably, but it's it's the worst one ever, apparently. So have fun. Has my hair been like this the entire video? We're on to the next movie. Why did I do this to myself?
Shiver Me Timbers was based on true events apparently. Somehow this was based on true events. That's how it opens. Jesus, based on true events. I'm not going to read it all. We get found out. We get we get some information that there is going to be some meteorites. I did say there was zombie connections between most of the Popeyes. This one is meteorites which I believe is how Night of the Living Dead starts or maybe Dawn of the Dead. I don't remember. A bunch of horror movies, especially zombie movies, start with meteorites. Okay, we meet Popeye pretty pretty early on. First of all, we meet some college kids. No surprise there. We meet some I think they're pre-ol speaking, but they're college enough for me. They meet we meet our college kids. Uh we got we got these these guys got some goth girls, some preppy girl, and um some boys. Hippie boy, jock boy. Jock boy makes no sense, but we'll get back to that in a second. Um and we meet these people would not hang out with each other as well, by the way. They wouldn't hang out with each other. These are not This is not a friend group IRL. But we meet we meet our Popeye, which is just an old man. He's just a little old man. He should be easy to meet, right? He says um his favorite lines. Well, blow me down. We got a we got a goths for this one. I don't know why there's so many goth bullies in this man. I don't know what's going on with the goth bully uh archetype. Somebody needs to get on the goth council needs to talk to the movie council. They look like the Power Ranger bullies. You know, Skull. Skull and I don't know. I don't One of them's called Skull. Okay. They look like the the for some in fact this guy reminds me of the Critical Role guy. I think it's the vest. I don't trust a man in a vest with a t-sh t-shirt and vest is not a good combo to wear. We also meet a hobo who looks a bit like Macron. I don't know what's going on with these people uh that look like celebrities, but maybe I just got something wrong with my brain. This guy looks like Macron to me. Sorry, Macron. He is the the hobo. He is screaming at the top of his voice about um a meteorite. A meteorite's coming to Earth, the meteorite thing, and it's going to turn people into monsters, cuz last time it turned people into monsters, apparently. Ridiculous, man. That is silly. You're a silly man. Don't be stupid. But we we we get to a camping ground so they can get a good view of the meteorites. We've got I see we've got like hippie guy, like medium hippie guy. Uh this guy who's a quarterback who looks nothing like a quarterback has a mullet. Do a mullet. I guess maybe they do. I don't know. He's dating the cheerleader because we're just really into stereotypes at the moment. Both of them are sort of attractive enough. I just don't see them as the characters they're playing. But maybe American movies have ruined this because although everybody here sounds American, this was filmed in Yorkshire. This was filmed in Yorkshire. Hey up but Ketan. We get some meteorite shots and then pretty pretty closely followed after that. We get a sexy dance from the cheerleader. Um not that sexy but a like a like a four out of 10 in a sexy scale. There's there's two druggies show up and they are they brought some spliffs, some some A's. This guy's popping A's like they are Tic Tac. Maybe his breath stinks, but he's taking like like they're going out of fashion. I think they are out of fashion. I don't know what I'm saying. They're going out of fashion. I don't think Ecstasy is as fashionable as it used to be. The meteorite lands in the little old man's pipe, which is the funniest joke in this because they make it out that this meteorite is going to be huge and it's a little tiny speck of dust. So, he just keeps smoking before the um a Dalek shows up apparently and zaps him. The effects in here remind me of naughties Doctor Who when Daleks used to zap people and you saw their skeleton for a couple of seconds. That's what it really reminds me of. The design of Popeye is really weird. They've given him a really muscular human body. The head, I don't know if it's CG, is it stop frame animation? Is it an AI face of Popeye? What is I don't What is going on in this picture? I have no idea. And the more it goes on, I don't hate it. That's the worst part of it. I don't dislike it. It looks a bit weird. This guy says, "Give me some sugar. Give me some sugar, baby." That's a nice little quote. Some of this is feels just like they're trying to to give you as many film references physically possible. This guy goes to the toilet or the outhouse. And I don't know if this is a Jurassic Park reference or or a Shrek reference. The toilet looks like Shrek's toilet. I thought he was going to like push it open with one hand. I'm like, "Somebody once told me." It's very Shrekisms, okay? Is what I'm saying. The CG head is a weird choice. I keep going back to the CG head. It's a very weird choice in this movie, but we we get some kills in this film and they're really good and really fun and really grotesque. I can't show them. Uh I can show the aftermath. Maybe I can show you some funny scenes afterwards, but I can't show them. Popeye rips this guy's head off and he Popeye needs to go to the toilet. The guy's head is still alive. That also comes up a lot. Popeye goes for a to the use the the outhouse and poops all over him which we get to see that later. One of the stoners just gets killed. The other one is with the goth girl and then she's like telling her how she loves her during that a meteorite shoots directly through her head and kills her. So Popeye doesn't kill somebody in this one. So the first one there was an accident. This one's got an accident. Popeye's not killing anybody. There's literally three people left already and they're all ganging together. There's Goth girl. She's not I don't know. I googled that. Nothing comes up. There's this girl with the red head. I think she might be an Only Fans actress. Don't know why. She just has that air to her. And then the guy the the skinny hippie guy. He's still around. He's called He's called Cassidy. He's called Cassidy. And the girl, she's called Ollie. What What do you think their surnames are? They need to get the car. The car has also been shot by a meteorite. We're screwed. So, they're just basically running around aimlessly trying to find somebody to help. After they find the car thing, they go find an old man, just a normal old man, who apparently knew the original Popeye. During that time, he grabs Cassidy and just shoves him in like toxic ooze and he just melts away. Literally just melts away. The old man is like, "I've got something to show you. Bessie." So, we don't get to see Bessie straight away. Um, we just see like little glimpses of it until they The old man goes outside to talk to Popeye, like to talk him down. And the goth girl looks and says that he's he's gets killed. And luckily the bully guy runs up and grabs the meteorite out of the pipe, out of the back of Popeye and grabs out of the pipe and pulls it out and is weaker somehow. So the goth girl, he dies, by the way. The Goth the Goth bully dies. Goth girl Ollie runs up and grabs the the meteorite. It's really hot still. Super hot and it slowly but surely melts a hand like Robocop and and she puts it in a in a machine and I thought maybe it's going to be a big robot that's going to fight Popeye like a bl maybe that's called Bluto I don't know and then she puts a seed hand inside the machine and then this is when it hits me "Give me some sugar baby give me some sugar baby" this is an Evil Dead remake this is an Evil Dead remake they remade Evil Dead I feel like I've been lied to this entire movie. They lied to me. She comes out with a giant chainsaw. The the girlfriend's still alive, by the way. She's just watching. And she starts the the goth girl starts fighting Popeye with a giant chainsaw and he just sort of CG ragdolls around after this. Um there's a lot of ragdolling. It sort of reminds me of a PS1 game or maybe a PS2 game if you're lucky. Popeye is finally killed. They don't recover the body by the way of Popeye. But we we go back to her in a tool shed where she's like working on something, listening to the radio, and I knew what was going to happen. I knew what was going to happen, but they did it anyway. And she looks at the camera and she says, "Groovy, and I I just want to die. I just want to die." But that was the best one so far. So that's always good. That was the best one so far. So great. Good job being, you know, slightly better. I'm going to have to watch the third one. I'm going to have to watch the third one now. This one is called Popeye's Revenge. Just press play on the goddamn movie. It's ITN. It's ITN. Why? Winnie the Pooh, guys. I refuse. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I don't I can't I can't watch a Winnie the Pooh. Puniverse Popeye movie. I can't watch a Winnie the Pooh Popeye Puniverse movie. I'm not I refuse refuse to do it. I did watch it. If you want to listen to the the commentary as I watch it cuz I didn't I didn't I I had nothing to write about it. If you just want to watch the commentary of it, I can't even show any of it because it's so gratuitous. So, if you want to go listen to the the commentary, go to my Kofi or subscribe to me on Twitch and go into my discord and it'll be there to listen to as I watch the movie. I literally cannot show any of this film. It is just TNA. Thanks for watching so far. I say go listen to that if you want to go listen to it. I literally cannot use any of the footage. Go listen to it. Thanks for watching. Thanks for subscribing. I love you. Goodbye.