Transcription
Morning everybody, happy Sunday. First time, and probably my mom's, let me able to go to church just 'cause I haven't been able to get anyone to look after Isaac. So I'm feeling really good about this. It's been about a week. I turn on my camera so I parked up. I am a little bit early for church, but you know, I I know that there are questions and I know I'm not obligated to tell everybody right there what's going on with me in my life. It's just I knew for here anyway, unless I sort of address it, you know, people are gonna keep asking me things that I I I really don't want to keep dwelling on.
And it has been quite a sensitive time, and you know, I I really wanted to just one day take an hour of my day just to sit down in my bedroom, have the camera set up on its tripod so I can just really sit there and concentrate and think about what I want to say. But you know, I keep postponing it. It was just easier to just, you know, vlog me get in my life. But for whatever reason, it comes across as me trying to drag it out and being clickbait. And I just want to say that I may have used clickbait in the past, subconsciously and even consciously, but for this instance, no. Like, I I wish it was clickbait, but this is real life, you know? What and stuff just waiting for a time for me to just lay things out. Maybe I can just do it on the go and just get it over and done with it so I can move on. And that was the main thing, so I can just say it for what it is. Like, I had a whole list of things that I wanted to talk about. I've been to Main Street, so lots of people are just staring in and thinking, why is this girl talking to camera? But you guys have been here since Tim and I's dating days, and when we got engaged, when I got married, when I got pregnant. And and that's why I guess it was hard.
I'm really sorry to say that Tim and I are no longer together. It's been a really difficult time because I have been wearing a lot of guilt, a lot of guilt that I guess I shouldn't be feeling, but I do feel. But I can't help but wonder how this is gonna affect Isaac and Ayla's life as their parent. I want the best kind of life for them. I know we live in a different time, and just because you're in a nuclear family doesn't mean the child will have a healthy upbringing. I guess I just spent the last few months mourning the future that I envisioned for them, and I was mourning the past days that we spent as a family. It's really a grieving process, you know? You're there mourning the death of a life that you had. Who was I to think that I would have control of life, right? So it just reminds us that, you know, life happens. Things happen. What you really need is for life to pause, but reality is, every day it keeps coming. There's still appointments, there's meetings, you still have responsibilities. And especially, you know, when there's children, and you don't just stop.
And the thing that hurts me most is the part about me that I'm most proud about me as a mother. I'm I've been angry at myself because I felt like I lost my A-game, you know? I was that mom that labeled everything and did his homework the day it was given. And now when I drop him off at school, I'm just about making it on time. I'm just about able to get his homework in on time. You don't have to have it all figured out in life. And life will do all sorts of things. You'll hit U-turns, dead ends, and you'll just learn to pave a different kind of road. I know that I'm going to come out of the other side with more understanding and wisdom. That's cliche, as a sign. And when we go through dark times, sometimes it feels as if you'll never be able to reach out of it, and you just feel so buried, and it feels like you're trapped, like six feet under. When the reality is, you've just been implanted. And although you may not see it yet, but you could be so close to blooming.
I would not want my worst enemy to go through what I'm going through, but I'm glad that because of it, I was able to wander back to God. Sometimes people look at Christians and, you know, Christians aren't supposed to be perfect. Anything. Christians are people saying they need God. I pray that in this time, he can use me and somehow I can glorify Him. The thing that crippled me the most was Isaac and Ayla. I had to speak to a lot of my friends who came from single-parent families. And what keeps me going is I'm telling me that it wasn't a divorce that broke them, it was them growing up. Will fight the love our parents long has that one person loving them, they will thrive. But actually, when I throw a 5 to 2 way, and instead of me always just worrying about them, I need to worry for myself as well. It's not that they need a perfect mum, they just need a happy one.
I'm just ready to close a chapter and start a new one. Would really appreciate you guys just remain respectful to Tim and I as we try to navigate this. Sometimes I think, hi, less complicated things to be if there were no kids involved. But the same time, I'm so thankful for them. And it's because of them they unlock this part of me, and I feel like I'm so much stronger because of them. And even more so that I can I can do this. Am I embarrassed that the separation is so public? No, because this is life. Maybe I'm too open. And honestly, this is the best time for me to start putting some boundaries, which I will. But because I've lived unshared so much of Tim and I's journey here, it's also a good time for me to put closure to it.
There was this comedian I was watching, his name is called Daniel flaw, and he talks about this thing, it's called jigsaw. And he was saying that, you know, so many people um from what the size low and high that could be a really, really dangerous thing. And, you know, everybody thinks that their life is only complete when they find a perfect one. And even though this piece obviously, it doesn't fit in their puzzle, they'll just force and jam it because they'd rather have something than nothing. What if you, and you love yourself like 30 percent, and someone comes along and they love you at 40 percent, which is literally less than half, but you think that's way too much. So you need to love yourself at your full capacity so you know what you've got to offer to the world. Don't be afraid of being on your own. We're all responsible for our own happiness. The people that you meet, they don't complete.
The unknown is scary, but I do have faith. I do have faith that in hindsight, I'm gonna look back and everything's gonna make sense. And that is gonna be my foresight. So what your life is non-complicated right now, things are going well, please cherish it. Okay? Because there's not okay. It's when trouble times come, then you can ask yourself, instead of why is this happening to me, ask how can this situation help me grow? Sometimes people endings are just beautiful beginnings in disguise. [Music]