Transcription
How do you know when you should fight for your relationship or when it's time to walk away? This is probably the number one question that I receive and have received over the years, and most of the time, there is no simple answer.
When we love someone, we want to be able to say that we've done everything that we can to make the relationship work. We're not supposed to be miserable for extended periods of time in a relationship, and if we are, that is an indication that the relationship should end. And that we should probably do some work on ourselves and figure out what happened. The things that we have to develop inside ourselves to co-create something healthier with someone else.
But the truth is, is that if you are going to be in a relationship with someone for years and decades over the long term, you are going to have seasons where you're working on the relationship more than you are not. But where do we draw the line? Well, here are three things to ask yourself before you walk away from your relationship.
Number one, am I and have I been clear about what my needs are and what I need from my partner? Because the truth is, most people, and I've worked with a lot of them, they don't communicate well. They think that they're saying what they need, but really, what they're doing is expecting their partner to read their mind. They're expecting their partner to be able to intuit what it is that they need, instead of saying very clearly what it is that they do need, and not only saying what it is that they need, but giving their partner some advice, some guidance, a a road map on how they can best meet their needs. So, you have to ask yourself, do you know what's missing? Do you know what it is that you need that they are not able or or haven't been able to fulfill? And have you communicated that very clearly and in a way that gives your partner some sort of guidance on how they can win with you.
Number two, have you examined your role in whatever is not working? In most cases, I do believe that it takes two to tango. However, that's not in every case, and it doesn't mean that it's 50/50, but it does mean that in most cases, when it comes to a relationship and when it comes to two people trying to make their relationship work, it would behoove both people to look in the mirror and examine about how they might be contributing to not working, what to it to their relationship not working, whether it's their communication style, whether it's they've been, you know, maybe they've been a little shut down or not as kind or distracted or, you know, not prioritizing the relationship enough enough or not prioritizing their own emotional well-being enough and then bringing sort of a bad energy and a bad mood to the relationship consistently over time. So, you have to be able to take full responsibility for whatever it is that's not working. The worst thing that you can do is end the relationship with a story in your head that makes it out so that they're the villain and you're the victim and just this this whole story as opposed to being able to say, I I can see clearly how I was contributing to this, and so now that's something that I'm going to pay attention to so that I don't bring that pattern into the next relationship.
And then number three, if nothing were to change, if your partner were to stay exactly how they are, would that be okay for you? Would that be enough? Does the good outweigh the bad? Because all of us are flawed, all of us are deeply flawed, but that doesn't mean that we all have the same level of character defects. There's some character defects that you might find that you absolutely can no longer live with, but that's where you have to be very honest with yourself. When we are having a difficult time in a relationship, we go into a little bit of fight or flight. And when we go into that sort of survival mode, we obsess about what we're not getting, and we don't really think about what we're not giving. And in order to revive a relationship, to save a relationship, to make it work again, both people, both have to be able to look in the mirror and ask themselves, have I been the partner that I want to be in a relationship regardless of what they are doing or not doing? Am I living up to the standards that I have for myself? When a couple is struggling, they are playing tit for tat constantly. And probably the hardest thing to do is to overcome your pride and to overcome your ego and to just step up and be the kind of person that you want to be in a relationship. And if that does not change things, if that doesn't inspire them to change, then you have your answer.
So, that's it. But one thing that I want to leave you with is this, if there's any kind of abuse, if you are experiencing name-calling, if there's any physical aggression, if you feel like you're constantly doubting your reality because they are always making you question your reality, then that's not someone that you should stay in a relationship with. If you have no respect for their character, if you don't trust them, if you wouldn't trust them with your child, if you question whether or not they have any goodness in their heart, then that's where it is reached the point of no return, and you must leave.