Transcription
So, they were convinced that you'd chase them. Of course, they were. That's why they walked away so confidently. Here's what happens when you don't.
They thought you'd chase them. They thought that after the argument, you'd go running. Not because you found a new strategy to make them miss you. Not because silence is a game that you're playing. Not at all. But because you've stepped out of a role that they've assigned for you. So, in this video, I'm going to explain why narcissists expect you to chase them. And nearly all of them actually do cuz they walk away. They think that you will come running to them. I'm going to talk about what goes through their mind when you don't. Okay? Because this is going to be an interesting one. And I'm going to talk about what happens when you refuse to play this game. And I'm going to talk about the biggest turning points in healing from these narcissistic games, these mind games that they are hellbent on playing and why they do that. I'm going to talk about the why so that it gives you like a whole scope, a whole picture because the moment that you stop chasing them is when you get clarity. Believe it or not, it all comes back to you. Okay, there are rules in this. There are rules in a game that you didn't think that you were playing. So, here we go. Let's get into it.
Hi, if you're new here, I am Anushka. I've worked in mental health for over 11 years and I've been making YouTube videos probably for 5 years plus. So I help people heal from narcissistic abuse, toxic relationships, but help you to understand exactly what is going on because I tell you something, there's so much noise out there. Take it from someone who has studied psychology and has got the qualifications. So we are going to be talking about the psychology and um we're going to understand this, okay? And I'm going to help you guys rise in your power. So let's get into it.
So, I think the first thing that we need to say here is that they never expected the relationship to end. Okay? It's like what I always talk about and I did a video about this, the discard is an illusion because they never think that the relationship is actually going to end. Yes, they might kind of show you in their behavior that yeah, the relationship is ended, but that's not what's really happening because they are going to be coming back. They always do this. They always have this big grand, like dramatic chaotic ending but they always come back in most cases they do. So it's never truly over because they believe that you're going to quit. They believe that you are going to apologize, that you are going to explain yourself, that you're going to fight for this relationship, that you'll take responsibility and that you will change. That is what they're expecting and they're testing this attachment every single time. So there'll be like mini discards and then they'll be like, "Oh, okay. Okay, I get it. I get it. Like let's get back together." So there'll be this push and pull all the time. Have you ever noticed that? Because like this relationship never just flows. There's always these issues that keep cropping up. So this is confusing. And so this is where the confusion actually begins. And it is done because they are testing your attachment, your loyalty, your love to them. And you're like thinking, scratching your head, thinking, what the hell? Yeah, they do do this and it doesn't, and I'm sure that you have said it. I'm sure that you have said to them, "Do you know what? I love you. I care about you. You know, you've done all the right things, but it's not enough." Have you noticed that? It's never enough. They want more. So that's why they're always testing. That's why they're always doing this. They are relying on you to be extraordinary with them. And the other thing that you got to remember is that they have trained you to chase them. Okay? Think about it, right? There's the silent treatment, there's the blocking, then the unblocking, the walking away during arguments. There's no responsibility, accountability. They never explain anything to you. You don't even really know where you stand. And there's always this up and down in this relationship. And you, you know, I struggle to call these things, these interactions, relationships, 'cause they're not really, are they? They're not relationships. 'Cause if somebody really loved you, and I mean I'm talking about really, really loved you, they would never, never put you in a position that would make you want to walk away from them. They'll never want to lose you. Yet this person constantly tests you, constantly tests the relationship, the friendship, and maybe even if you work with someone like that, they're constantly testing your loyalty and how you feel about them. And again, this all stems from childhood. You can't change it. You can't change it. It all stems from there. And they can't, they can't see past this. So they're always going to be doing this. So you see the anxiety that you feel, the walking on eggshells keeps you pressed to them. And this is exactly what trauma bonds feel like because that's really what we're talking about here. This is a trauma. They're creating this trauma bond. It creates this fusion, okay? Where you don't feel good enough, where you're constantly trying to prove your worth. And some of you, the reason why you keep accepting this and keep doing this is because this is something that you have done throughout probably your childhood. And so this interaction with them feels familiar for you. And I'm not saying this to say that it's your fault, for saying that's not what this is about. What I'm saying is that this whole interaction feels familiar because this is something that you've had to do in your own childhood. And you're constantly wanting them to validate you, to validate the relationship, your worth in this relationship. But this is exactly what trauma bonds are. And most of the time, narcissists leave smiling. And they, what I mean by that is they seem happier than ever, right? They seem so happy that they have walked away and there's you crying on the floor, so upset, can't function. And the thing is when they do that is that they believe that they've won. They think, "Oh, give it a few days. You're going to be in touch. You're going to be begging them. You're going to be wanting to get some sort of communication from them, get their attention." And they seem calm because they feel like they're the ones that are in control. And they expect you to feel like this all the time. And that's how they know whether they have control over you. They've manipulated you so much that that is how they believe that they have control over you.
And here's the part that I love. When nothing happens. When they don't hear from you, days pass, no text, no pleading, no emotional reaction, no social media posts trying to get their attention, nothing. Just nothing. And if you are someone that has got to this point, well done. That's what I want to say to you is well done because I know that this isn't an easy point to reach and it's certainly going to get their attention. Believe me. And you're probably thinking, "How, Anushka, they're probably with someone new." Maybe, maybe so. But this is going to get their attention, trust me on this. They'll be wondering, "Why haven't they contacted me yet? Are they angry? Have I pushed it a bit too much? Have they met someone else? Why, why aren't they reacting?" Please know that they are not missing you. All right? If someone missed you, and I mean truly missed you, they would get in contact with you. They would have got in contact with you way before that. These people don't feel like that. They don't have those emotions. They're not going to be missing you. What they're trying to do is try to understand the old pattern. Remember, they know you really well. Oh, they do. All right? So, they're going to be thinking, "Why aren't they doing what they've always done? Why aren't they running to me?" And that is what is going to be going through their heads. And this is often when the hoovering starts. So, the hoovering isn't about love. It's a test, my friends. It's a test. This is what I've been saying in the video. If you love someone, you ain't going to be playing these games, okay? Because your heart can't do that. They can. They can because they're testing you. They're checking if they have access to you. This is not a relationship. This is not love. So, those of you that are strong and have been able to walk away and not be able to flinch or react or worry about them, this is you. This is it. You've got your power back. And I know a lot of you are not at this point. It takes a few times. Actually, I've got to say, it takes a few times to get to this point, but most of you will get to that. So, this always happens. Think about it. How many times you've been in this cycle? How many times have they done this? All right? So, what you're going to hear or what you're going to find is they're going to be the random "Hey, me" text messages. "How are you? What have you been up to?" Or they're going to like an old photo, or they're going to start contacting your family or your friends or asking. They might even say, "Do you know what? They might even send you a text message asking about something trivial, something that's just not important, something that maybe you two have kind of shared, but they're going to be trying to poke." That's what they're doing. They're trying to poke to get a reaction out of you. That's what they're going to be doing, okay? Because they want reassurance, not that they've realized their error of their ways. They want reassurance from you. They want the access. That's what's going on here. The biggest change isn't inside of them. It's inside of you. The victory isn't that they panic. The victory isn't that you don't. No, my friends, for the first time, you're tolerating the discomfort. You're sitting in this discomfort trying to figure it all out. You stop explaining yourself. You stop earning love. You stop trying to prove your value. And what you do is you realize that this is a game that is never going to be fulfilling for you. And that's the point. You right? It's like you stop carrying this rucksack that is full of bricks. You put it down. And it's not that you're expecting defeat. All right? And I just want you to know, just because you don't answer someone, okay? Or you don't contact someone, that means that you're staying quiet because you are a coward. You're not a coward. But at the end of the day, talking to a brick wall, where's that going to get you? That's the sign of madness. That's the point I'm trying to make. That's the sign of madness. You're going to talk to a brick wall. It's not going to answer back. It's not going to change. It's going to do the same thing. Just be a brick wall, right? But with, and that's the same with a narcissist. You're going to be pleading, wanting, wishing, hoping. People, my friends, that person isn't going to be changing. They're not about change. They want what they want. And it's all about control and manipulation. So, this is the point where you kind of think, I don't want to be controlled and manipulated by somebody. I, I don't want that anymore. I don't want that for myself. And of course, you don't want that for yourself 'cause you don't deserve that. And that is what you have to remember. Stop chasing. Stop wanting an answer. They're not going to give it to you. And you know what? Even if you sat them down and you talk to them, do you think they're going to tell you the truth? Do you think they're going to tell you an actualized version? These people don't think like that. They're not like that. So that, that's not what is going to be going on here. This is where you got to step out of it and think, "Do you know what? I don't, I don't even need this anymore. I don't need this person. I don't need their explanations. I don't need their energy in my life anymore." Do you know what the narcissist thought you'd chase them? Because they thought that we're resetting that cycle again. They thought that they own you. That's what they thought. Not that this is about love. Okay? Not because this is a relationship. It's about ownership. All right? And now what you're doing is you're taking your ownership back onto yourself. And what you're doing is you're learning that you are the most important person here. What is the point of fighting with a brick wall? Okay, my friends. So, if you have enjoyed this video, please do give it a thumbs up. If you haven't already subscribed, please consider subscribing. I also do one-to-one consultations. Please see the description box below for more details. Guys, thank you for being here and watching this video. I hope to see you in the next one. Goodbye.