Transcription
Have you ever tried to have a hard conversation with a person and they freeze? They say, "I don't know." Or even worse, they completely reject the idea of the conversation and you. This video explains why we do it and what you can do about it. >> [screaming] >>
Conversations like these require an amount of vulnerability and you've probably had to do some level of ego dropping to talk to them about something and that didn't go well. And now that's frustrated you and you probably think they don't care. Maybe they do, maybe they don't. Regardless, each one of these circumstances means something entirely different and I'm going to explain them.
When they freeze, most times you see this happen and you think, "Wow, they're shutting down. They don't want to talk to me. Why are they making this so difficult?" That's not always the case and one of the most common mistakes people make in these circumstances is assuming that silence means guilt. And that might be the case sometimes because if a person isn't able to speak up about something, you're thinking, "Okay, you definitely did it. That's why you can't." But I do need to let you know that more often them freezing just means they are overwhelmed in the situation.
As much as you are trying to confront them about what happened, they are having such a hard time processing this because for them, their brain is trying to process everything you just said in that moment. Every question you asked, every confrontation you made, every statement you proclaimed. And for them, they're trying to find the words, manage emotions, and respond correctly all at the same time. So, you can imagine for you, if you found this easy to do to talk about your feelings, but on the other hand, you have someone who doesn't actually know how to do these things, that's a lot going on for them all at once and that's going to make anyone in those situations freeze.
So, what do you do? You stop filling the silence because when a person is going through all this all at the same time, they're overwhelmed. When you start asking more questions, start trying to make things feel harder than they should, that is putting unnecessary strain on the individual. So, give them a minute. Give them some time. Literally openly say, "Hey, I'm going to give you a second. Let's come back to this." You are doing the best thing you could possibly do in that situation because some people genuinely need time to think before they actually know what to say. So, if you can't find it in you to actually give these people some form of grace, that makes their lives easy.
Second one, which I think is kind of famous, when they say, "I don't know." And no, most of the time they're not lying because we confront a person, we say, "Hey, why'd you do this?" "I don't know." And instantly you're going to think, "Okay, why are you lying?" That's not really the case all the time. Sometimes these people genuinely don't know. Because for these group of people, I'll be honest with you, no one has actually taught them how to identify their feelings. And if they've never learned how to do this, there's no way they're going to be able to do it on the spot, on the fly, at your beckoning, at your convenience. They know something's wrong. They know you don't feel good. They know they're upset, they know you're upset. They just don't know why. They understand that these feelings are emerging for them. They but they just can't pinpoint it. They can't figure it out. They can't map it out.
Some of us are gifted. Some of us are capable of doing this on the fly easily. We're self-aware. But you have to understand that there are individuals out there in the world who have no processing, no understanding of how this works. So for them, they actually don't know. So rather than bombarding a person with multiple questions trying to figure them out, I want you to try this instead. Ask them a simple, straightforward question. Okay. What do you know? And you start from there. Because that is a much easier question to answer. And again, going back to the first one, if you still feel like things aren't going right, you can always ask for space. You can always ask to reconvey. You do not have to hash things out in the moment.
Side note, there are people in the world just like myself, when something happens in the moment, I need resolution. I do not function well when there's nothing good going on. I do not function well when I'm in a negative space. I find that if I'm in a negative space, I can process my feelings, I can process my emotions. I know the right things to say, I know how I feel about things. But I need to understand that the other person, well, I've come to understand that the other person I'm dealing with might not be in the same position as I am. They might not be able to process these things, process their feelings. So I've come to learn that it's okay, you know? Some people just have different timelines for different emotions. And the ultimate hack for this is giving them space. It might be hard for you because for you in the moment you want to fix it. But for them, they are processing. So if you can learn and manage to give them grace and space, you will be doing them the biggest service and yourself. Because if a person comes to you when they are fully coherent, when they are fully ready and processed, the conversation will go much more easier and you will get the answers you're looking for.
Okay, the third and most important, when they reject the conversation. This might be the most infuriating part of anything because it's like you're trying to talk to a person and and it's just not working. They get defensive, they change the subject, they walk away. All these actions can do nothing but infuriate a person and and you might not even want to talk to them anymore and heck, I don't blame you. And the honest truth is with all these things they do, sometimes they flat out tell you, "I'm not doing this. I don't want to do this. I just I don't want to talk about this conversation." And this is a specific one I want to talk about because when this happens, this is a very different thing entirely. Because see, the thing is now we're dealing with people who are avoidant. And avoidance happens for one of two reasons. They're scared of the conversation or they don't value the conversation. And those are two very different problems entirely.
People are scared for multiple reasons, but if I were to sum it up and boil it down to one simple thing, they just have past experiences either with other people or you and they find it hard to want to be open or actually face those things because they fear certain outcomes. And if they don't value it, they're just telling you to your face that it look, this is not important to me. And I think for you, it's just at that point you have to know your standards. You have to know what your boundaries are and you have to be able to enforce them. I plan to make a video on that, so stay tuned.
So, let's talk solutions. If you're faced with a person who shows you they're not interested in a conversation or they want to walk away, you need to only ask one question and that's how you know how you move forward. You ask them, "Do you need time or are you refusing to have this conversation?" Because the answer to that will give you all the clarity you need. One deserves patience because they might just not be in a space to be able to talk to you. The other deserves attention. When a person shows you and makes it very clear they don't they don't want to talk to you, boundaries and standards. Again, we'll talk about that. But But that's what you need to keep in mind because you cannot force a conversation out of those people.
Here's the formula, let's run it up one more time. If they freeze, give them space. They are struggling with processing their emotions and feelings all at the same time and you cannot force a conversation out of them. Give them the space to get it all together and come back. If they say "I don't know", help them explore. They are not sure what their options are, they're not sure what they're thinking. Help them. Ask them, "What do you know?" And from there, you go on. And again, if they don't have anything to give in the moment, let them get their thoughts together. If they reject the conversation, figure out if it's fear or if it's avoidance. Because see, when a person tells you they don't want to talk to you, understanding the reaction is how you get past the reaction. Because them not wanting to talk is never the real thing. They're just having a hard time talking. And if they want to talk, you'll know. If they don't, you'll also know.
Most people fail hard conversations because they're reacting to the behavior. They're not trying to understand it. They're not trying to understand what caused it. So, I hope you implement these and I hope you throw them in because again, no conversation is hard, especially when you want to have it with someone you actually care about. They might just be having a hard time. And if you can get through that, if you can find it in you to apply these and actually show up, you're going to be able to have that hard conversation. As always, I'm Cam. I'll see you in the next one. Okay, really quick, in the last two videos, I've I've I've gotten a lot of new people who have been subscribed or followed. And if you have any questions about me, put them in the comments. Preferably, if you see this on YouTube, I'd appreciate that. Bye.