Transcription
After watching this, you'll understand why the dating market has completely collapsed. And most people think men stopped approaching women because they're weak, afraid, or lazy. And that's what women tell themselves to avoid the uncomfortable truth. But I'm going to show you what's actually happening. And once you see it, you can't unsee it.
Men haven't stopped approaching because they lack courage. They stopped because they did a cost-benefit analysis. And the math doesn't work anymore. The risk is catastrophic. The reward is minimal. And the entire system is rigged against them from the start. You're not crazy for noticing this. You're just awake.
Here's a simple test that proves my point. Go to any public space and watch interactions between men and women and notice something. Men don't make eye contact. They don't smile. They don't initiate. They walk past attractive women like they're invisible. And this isn't accidental. It's strategic survival.
Your grandfather could approach a woman at a coffee shop, get rejected politely, and move on with his day. But you try that today. You risk being filmed, posted online, called a creep, and having your life destroyed by lunch. The game changed, and smart men adapted by not playing.
Let me break down what's happening in a man's brain when he considers approaching a woman today because he's running a threat assessment that would make a Navy Seal proud, and every variable screams danger. First, there's the immediate social risk where she could react with visible disgust, loud rejection, or public humiliation, and her friends will back her up regardless of how respectful you were. Every woman nearby will assume you're a predator, and you're guilty until proven innocent. Except there's no way to prove innocence.
I watched a guy at a bar last weekend approach a woman respectfully, introduced himself, made small talk, and she wasn't interested, which is fine, but she didn't just say no. She said it loud enough for everyone to hear. Made a face like he'd spit on her. Then immediately told her friends he was creepy. He did nothing wrong, nothing that would have been considered inappropriate in any previous generation. But in 30 seconds, his reputation in that venue was destroyed. And every woman in that bar now thinks he's a predator because one woman decided his interest was offensive.
Then there's the digital risk that hangs over every interaction like a guillotine. One in three women will film interactions they don't like and post them online. And you don't even need to do anything wrong. She just needs to feel uncomfortable, which is entirely subjective and changes based on whether she finds you attractive. Same approach, different results depending on factors you can't control. Your height, your face, your status, things you are born with or without. And that's what determines whether you're confident or creepy, charming, or threatening.
A client of mine, successful engineer, good guy, respectful, approached a woman at a bookstore with a polite introduction, took the rejection gracefully when she wasn't interested, and thought nothing more of it. She filmed the entire thing, edited out his polite behavior, posted it on TikTok with, "Why do men think they can just talk to us?" And it got 400,000 views. His face was visible, completely clear. His co-workers saw it. People he did business with saw it. And HR called him in for a conversation about his behavior outside of work. He did absolutely nothing wrong. But his career was damaged. His reputation was questioned. And his life was complicated because one woman decided to weaponize a normal social interaction for internet clout.
Let's talk about the actual math because numbers don't lie, even when everyone else does. The average man needs to approach approximately 20 to 30 women to get one phone number. And of those numbers, maybe 20% turn into actual dates, which means that's 100 to 150 approaches for a single date. And this assumes you're average looking with decent social skills. Not below average, not socially awkward, just normal.
But here's where it gets brutal, where the reality becomes undeniable. Each of those 100-plus rejections isn't neutral anymore like it was for your grandfather. Each one carries potential catastrophic downside like public humiliation, social media exposure, reputation damage, being labeled creepy, getting thrown out of venues, having women warn each other about you like you're a registered predator. You're playing Russian roulette where every chamber has a bullet and one of them is nuclear. And the reward for winning a first date with someone who's probably talking to five other guys, has unrealistic expectations programmed by social media and rom-coms, and will ghost you after you spend $200 on dinner because she didn't feel a spark. The incentive structure is completely broken. The risk-reward ratio is inverted, and every man with basic pattern recognition skills can see it.
I counsel men who've been destroyed by single approaches. Men whose lives were altered by one interaction. One guy complimented a co-worker at a company event. Just a simple, respectful compliment appropriate for the setting. One sentence. "You look nice today," and she reported him to HR for creating a hostile environment. He got written up. His promotion was delayed six months. His reputation was damaged permanently in that company, and all for saying something that every generation before him would have considered normal, polite, even kind.
The Me Too movement was necessary to address real predators, men who actually abused power and harmed women. And nobody debates that. Nobody with any sense argues that those men didn't deserve consequences. But it created collateral damage that nobody wants to acknowledge. A chilling effect on normal male behavior that extends far beyond punishing actual predators. Millions of normal men watched what happened to men whose only crime was misreading signals or being awkward. And they made a rational decision based on observable patterns. The risk isn't worth it.
Every man saw the same pattern repeat itself across industries, across social classes, across the entire culture. Accusations don't require proof anymore. Being accused is enough to destroy you. Your intention doesn't matter. Only her perception matters. And her perception is reality by default. And her perception can change years later when it becomes advantageous to reframe normal interactions as harassment when she needs victim status for social currency. When destroying you becomes useful to her narrative.
Think about what this does to male psychology, the impossible position it creates. You're told to approach women. Be confident. Take initiative because that's what masculinity looks like. That's what women say they want. But you're also told that unwanted attention is harassment. That making someone uncomfortable is assault. That crossing invisible boundaries makes you a predator. How do you know if your attention is wanted before you offer it? You can't. It's literally impossible. It's a catch-22 where the only winning move is not to play.
I had a client who asked a woman at his gym for her number after they'd made eye contact and smiled at each other for weeks. Clear signals of mutual interest by any reasonable standard. She said yes, seemed enthusiastic. They dated for three weeks and it didn't work out, which happens, totally normal. Six months later, she told the gym staff he'd harassed her, made her uncomfortable, pursued her when she didn't want it. He got banned from his gym of five years without any investigation, without any hearing, without any chance to defend himself, just her word against his, and her word was enough.
Here's the part that makes men's heads explode. The reality that breaks the entire framework of "just be respectful." The exact same approach is either charming or creepy depending entirely on whether she finds you attractive. Not your behavior, not your words, not your respect level, not your intentions, just your face, your height, and your status. A good-looking guy can be forward, sexual, even crude in his approach. And it's confident, and he knows what he wants, and so refreshing. An average guy makes gentle small talk with perfect respect. And he's creepy and trying too hard. And why can't men just leave women alone? Same behavior, same words, same respectful tone, completely different outcomes based on factors you can't control, factors you were born with or without. Genetic lottery results that determine whether you're allowed to participate in dating at all. You're being judged before you open your mouth, sentenced before the trial, and the verdict is based on whether your face meets her standards.
Watch how women react to approaches from attractive men versus average men, and you'll see the pattern immediately. The attractive guy gets smiles, open body language, engagement, phone numbers handed over eagerly. "I'd love to grab coffee sometime." The average guy using identical words gets one-word answers, closed body language, quick exits, and "I have a boyfriend," whether she does or not. Then women claim men don't approach anymore. Men aren't confident. Men are too scared. They do approach. You just don't notice because you're rejecting them before they finish their opening line. Erasing them from your perception because they don't meet your attractiveness threshold.
I see this constantly in my practice. The same experiment run over and over with identical results. A client approached women at bars for a month, and he's 6'2", good-looking, successful career, objectively attractive by any standard, and he had a 60% success rate getting numbers. His friend, 5'7", average looking, same job, same income, same social skills, used the exact same lines, the exact same approach, the exact same respect, 5% success rate, 12 times worse. Same words, same respectful approach, 55% difference in outcomes based purely on genetics, on things neither of them chose.
Women today respond to approaches with hostility that previous generations would find shocking, would consider unbelievably rude and socially inappropriate. Your grandmother might have said, "No, thank you," with a polite smile and meant it. And that would be the end of it. No drama, no scene, just a respectful decline. Modern women act like you've assaulted them by saying hello, like your very presence is an attack, like approaching them at all is a violation of their fundamental rights. The disgust on their faces is visceral and exaggerated, performed for an audience. The eye rolls are theatrical and designed to humiliate you publicly. The loud rejections are crafted to make sure everyone in the vicinity knows they said no and that you were wrong, creepy, inappropriate for even asking. They don't just decline. They don't just say they're not interested. They punish you for daring to shoot your shot, for having the audacity to think you might be worth their time.
I watched a man at a coffee shop approach a woman reading alone, and his approach was textbook respectful. "Excuse me, I know this is random, but I thought you seemed interesting, and I'd love to grab coffee sometime if you're open to it." Polite, direct, gave her an easy out. Respected her space. Her response: She didn't even look up from her book. Just said, "Ew, no." Loud enough for the entire shop to hear. Made sure everyone knew how disgusted she was by his interest. He walked out embarrassed, humiliated for asking a simple question in a public space, punished for trying.
This hostility isn't occasional or limited to certain women or certain situations. It's the default response, the standard operating procedure. Women have been programmed to view male attention as threatening, creepy, or annoying, unless it comes from the top 10% of men they're attracted to. And everyone else is a nuisance to be dealt with harshly to discourage future attempts. To teach men that approaching has consequences.
Let's address the elephant in the room that everyone sees but nobody's allowed to mention. Women's standards have become completely detached from reality, from market dynamics, from what they actually bring to the table. The average woman now expects above-average men as her baseline, her minimum acceptable standard. The below-average woman expects average men and considers that settling. And everyone, regardless of their actual value, thinks they deserve the top 20%, believes they're entitled to men who are better than them in every measurable way. This wouldn't be a problem if expectations were calibrated to reality. If people understood their market value and adjusted accordingly. But when a woman who's a five in objective attractiveness expects a man who's an eight, when she won't even consider men at her level, the math breaks down, the market fails, and most approaches are doomed before they start. Most men don't qualify for most women's standards, which means most approaches are exercises in futility.
I counseled a woman recently who couldn't understand why she was single, why men weren't approaching her, why dating was so hard. She was 36 years old, significantly overweight, in serious debt, worked a retail job with no career prospects, lived with roommates, no assets, no savings, no particular skills or accomplishments. Her requirements for a man: over 6 feet tall, makes over $100,000 a year, physically fit, no kids, but wants kids, emotionally available, good communicator, ambitious, established. I asked what she brought to the table that would attract that caliber of man, and she got angry, defensive, offended by the question itself. "I shouldn't have to bring anything. I'm the catch. Men should want to be with me." The delusion is complete. The entitlement is absolute.
Men see this mismatch everywhere they look, in every interaction, every dating profile, every conversation. The single mother with three kids from different fathers who won't date men with kids because she has enough on her plate. The unemployed woman who requires a six-figure earner to even consider a first date. The overweight woman who demands a fit man and considers it body shaming when fit men aren't interested. The broke woman who expects expensive dates and calls you cheap if you suggest coffee. The pattern is universal, observable, undeniable. Supply nothing or supply the minimum, demand everything, and call men shallow when they do the same calculation from the other side.
After enough rejections, something breaks in men. But it's not what society thinks it is. It's not their confidence that shatters. Their willingness to keep trying evaporates. Their desire to participate in a system that punishes them dissolves, and they hit what I call "approach fatigue," where the emotional toll of constant rejection outweighs any potential benefit, where the pain of trying exceeds the hope of success. Each rejection hurts in a way that accumulates rather than dissipates. And multiply that pain by hundreds of approaches over months or years, and you create emotional scar tissue that doesn't heal.
Men develop protective mechanisms that aren't about weakness or fear. They're about self-preservation and basic psychological survival. Don't approach. Don't put yourself out there. Don't risk the pain. Don't expose yourself to the hostility. And it's not cowardice. It's the same mechanism that keeps you from touching a hot stove after you've been burned.
I've had clients who made 200, 300, even 400 approaches over years of trying. Men who genuinely put in the effort, followed all the advice, approached respectfully, handled rejection gracefully, and kept trying because they believed persistence would pay off. The success rate was so low, and the emotional damage was so high that they eventually just stopped. Not because they became bitter or angry or hateful toward women, but because they decided their mental health was worth more than chasing increasingly hostile women with unrealistic standards who saw them as annoyances rather than potential partners.
One guy told me something that captures the modern male experience perfectly. "I can handle rejection. I've been rejected hundreds of times. That's fine. That's part of dating. What I can't handle is being made to feel like a predator for trying. Being treated like my interest is an assault. Being looked at with disgust for approaching respectfully." That sentence distills the entire problem into its essence. It's not the "no" that stops men from approaching. It's the disgust, the hostility, the implication that approaching at all makes you a bad person, the treatment that says your interest is an offense.
Men didn't stop approaching women altogether. They didn't give up on dating entirely. They stopped approaching women in person because dating apps promised a better system, a more efficient marketplace, mutual interest before interaction. No public rejection, no accusations of being creepy, no hostile responses in front of audiences, just match or don't match, simple, clean, private.
The promise was that technology would solve the approach problem, would make dating easier and more accessible for everyone. But dating apps revealed something devastating, something that crushed whatever optimism men had left about their prospects in the dating market. The actual success rate for average men on dating apps is worse than in-person approaches. Dramatically worse, catastrophically worse. Most men get almost no matches despite swiping for months. The ones they do get don't respond to messages. The ones who respond ghost after three messages. And the system is transparently designed to extract money rather than create connections, to keep you hoping and paying rather than succeeding and leaving.
A client showed me his dating app statistics after six months of active use. And these numbers are typical, not exceptional. Six months on three different apps simultaneously, but are $400 spent on premium features and boosts. 2,000 swipes indicating interest. 47 matches total. Seven of those matches responded to his opening message. Two conversations lasted past five messages. Zero dates materialized from all that effort and expense. He's an educated professional with a good job. Normal pictures, no red flags in his profile. But in the app marketplace, he's essentially invisible. He doesn't exist. His profile might as well not be there.
The false promise of dating apps accelerated men's withdrawal from dating entirely rather than solving the problem like everyone claimed it would. They thought technology would democratize dating, make it easier for everyone, level the playing field. Instead, it proved that in a digital marketplace where women can sort men by height and income before even looking at their faces, where they can swipe through hundreds of options in minutes, average men don't just struggle, they don't exist at all in the eyes of the women they're trying to match with.
Social media destroyed whatever remained of normal dating dynamics. Whatever balance still existed between men and women in the dating market, every woman now has constant validation from dozens of men, hundreds of men if she's even remotely attractive. Attention pouring in 24/7 from every direction. Instagram DMs from guys she's never met. Facebook messages from old classmates shooting their shot. Snapchat attention from men orbiting her hoping for a chance. And they're drowning in male interest delivered directly to their phones. Unlimited options at all times.
Why would she care about the guy approaching her at the grocery store when she has 47 unread DMs from guys she matched with last week? Why would she give her attention to the man trying to start a conversation at the coffee shop when her phone contains endless options that she can browse at her convenience? Your in-person approach can't compete with the digital attention buffet she carries in her pocket. You're asking her to eat a sandwich when she has an all-you-can-eat buffet at her fingertips.
I watch this play out constantly in real-world settings where people are supposedly present and engaged. Women scrolling through dating apps while at bars, actively swiping while sitting in venues full of real men, ignoring every man in the actual physical space around them. Men trying to approach women who are literally swiping through pictures of other men mid-conversation, who can't put their phones down long enough to have a real interaction. The disrespect is casual and constant because the abundance is so overwhelming that your presence means nothing.
One client tried to approach a woman at a party. She was attractive, seemed friendly, was standing by herself. All the traditional signals that an approach might be welcome. He introduced himself, started a conversation, and she barely looked up from her phone, mumbled, "I have a boyfriend," without making eye contact, and went back to scrolling Instagram. She didn't have a boyfriend. Mutual friends confirmed that later she just couldn't be bothered to engage with someone in real life when the digital validation was more convenient, more controllable, more immediately gratifying than talking to an actual human being standing in front of her.
Let's talk about the legal reality that men are navigating every time they consider approaching a woman. The actual laws and policies that have turned normal courtship behavior into potential crimes. In many places, persistent approaching after a rejection can be considered harassment under the law. Following up after getting a number can be classified as stalking. Misreading signals can be categorized as sexual assault. And the legal definitions have expanded to criminalize behavior that every previous generation would have called normal dating, normal courtship, normal human interaction between men and women.
I had a client who went on three dates with a woman. Three perfectly normal dates with mutual interest and escalating intimacy. They kissed on the third date. She initiated the kiss. She made the first move, and he reciprocated. Two weeks later, she ghosted him completely. Stopped responding to messages. Blocked him on social media. Disappeared from his life without explanation. He texted twice asking if everything was okay, if he'd done something wrong, just trying to understand what happened. She reported him to police for harassment. Filed an actual police report claiming he was stalking her, that she felt unsafe, that his messages were threatening, even though they were just, "Hey, is everything okay? Did I do something wrong?" Police called him, brought him in for questioning, treated him like a criminal for sending two text messages. They couldn't charge him with anything because he'd done nothing illegal. But the report exists permanently in the system, shows up on background checks that employers run, creates a permanent record that he's been investigated for stalking even though he did nothing wrong. All because he followed up on a relationship she initiated and then abandoned without explanation. The legal system has created a framework where men have no protection and women have all the power. Where accusation equals guilt in social and professional contexts. Where defending yourself looks like attacking her.
And this is why men don't approach anymore. This is the final piece of the puzzle that explains everything. Men didn't stop approaching because they're weak, lazy, or afraid of rejection. They stopped because the system became hostile. The risks became catastrophic, and the rewards became worthless. Your grandfather could approach 10 women, get three conversations, two dates, and possibly a wife. You approach 10 women, and you might get filmed, labeled creepy, reported to authorities, and still end up alone. The game changed. The rules were rewritten against men, and smart men adapted by refusing to play.
Women wanted independence from men. They got it. Men wanted appreciation from women. They didn't get it. So men chose themselves, chose peace over chaos, chose freedom over obligation. And society blames men for making the rational choice while refusing to acknowledge the irrational system that created it. The truth is simple. Approaching women is a losing game. And men are finally smart enough to stop playing. That's not weakness. That's wisdom. That's not fear. That's risk assessment. That's not giving up. That's choosing yourself. And until the incentives change, until the risks decrease, until the rewards increase, until women show appreciation instead of hostility, men will continue staying on the sidelines. The dating market collapsed because one side changed all the rules and is now confused why the other side stopped playing. Men aren't coming back until the game is fair again. And maybe not even then, because they learned something valuable while they were gone. They don't need you as much as you need them. And that's the truth nobody wants to say out loud.