Transcription
[Music] hello and welcome back to another episode of the helpers here podcast, brought to you by the Beyond compulsion Academy.
Today, we're talking about saying no to your desires. So, last night, I'm at the theater with my family. Uh, we were seeing Hamilton, and really, really good play. I was really enjoying it, and I was, you know, in the audience, just watching, laughing, smiling, whatever. You know, you got my family by my side, it's all good.
And then there's a scene which really, really made me think of this whole thing going on here with the whole, you know, porn addiction recovery. So, Hamilton, the main character, he's got this wife, and there's this woman who comes into this scene, and she starts trying to seduce him. The wife isn't there at this point in time, right? And he's just going like, "I don't know how to say no to this. Tell me how to say no to this." And like, there's this whole song because the whole, the whole thing's a rap, basically. Like, the whole thing's a musical. So anyway, he's like, "How do I say no to this? Like, Lord, please tell me, show me how to say no to this." And then you got like, The Ensemble who's like, "Say no, say no to this. No, no, say no to this." And you know, there's this back and forth between Hamilton and The Ensemble saying, "Say no, say no."
Anyway, it was quite funny because, well, not funny, but it was weird timing because literally yesterday, we had a client who was talking about saying no to urges as well, right? And so anyway, Hamilton, in this, in this theater production, he goes and has sex with this woman, even though he's a married man. And it was actually a bit of a turning point in his whole career because all sorts of stuff come out in the future, and he was in politics, and it, it basically ruined his career. Well, it, it partly ruined his career. I think that's correct. If anyone's seen Hamilton, feel free to call me out on this. Because because it was all a musical and it was all in rap, there was a lot of this play which I didn't really understand. But anyway, this is how I interpreted it. So it like, basically ruins his career because he'd given into his his urges, his cravings, he'd had sex with this woman, he cheated on his wife, and he'd been in this back and forth between like saying no and then then ending up doing it anyway, right?
So it's very similar to the whole thing of, you've got these urges, you got these desires, and you're like, ah, you resisting it, you're like, "How, how do I say no? Like, how do I, how do I not do this thing that you also really want to do?" You know, when you're in the porn addiction, you are going to want to engage in your compulsive behavior, but you're also going to want to, um, you're also going to want to stop the behavior. Like, you don't want those consequences. Like, the consequences are severe. Like, it's ruining your life. So anyway, you got this constant conflict going on.
So Hamilton, he's given in. And I think one of the main reasons he gave in is because in his mind, he's just constantly in this battle of like, saying no, saying no, saying no. And he's got The Ensemble there, there like, saying no, saying no, say no. And what we do with our clients, and the same with the client that we talked to yesterday, who messaged us about like saying no and and not doing something, it's all about shifting it to, what are you saying yes to? And in the past, before Mary Paulus, my mentor, who helped me actually change my neural pathways correctly, in the past, I was also focused on, okay, yeah, I need to, I need to start focusing on what I do want in life instead of just focusing on what I don't want, which I believed at that time was pornography. Um, you know, a bit of a plot twist nowadays where I realized is that I did want porn, and it wasn't true that I didn't want porn. I didn't want the consequences. But that's the whole, a whole story. So anyway, we'll get back to it.
So basically, what we said to this client is, okay, so what are you choosing to do and why? You know, we've got to shift the focus from saying no to saying yes. And yeah, in the past, I did go down that route of, okay, I want to start focusing on what I do want instead of what I don't want. And so I started going to the gym, started maybe meditating to get a clearer mind, I started seeing friends more, started to build quite a good sort of social life, I suppose, or or just seeing my mates more, really, from from back home and and make new friends as well. You know, started going to the running club, I set up my own book club at one point, although that was a bit further along down the line, really, of my life. Um, started volunteering work at the Samaritans, that was good. And I had quite a a rich life, like quite a fulfilling life. Uh, you know, work as well, friends there and stuff. So all this stuff going on. So a lot of things I was saying yes to.
And yet, what happened is, some time would pass, and eventually I'd get to this point where I just had this urge, and it'd be so strong, and I didn't really know what to do in that moment. So although I'd started to focus more on what I did want in life instead of always focusing on this problem of porn, I was still relapsing. I was still watching porn, and it destroyed me. It literally destroyed me because my confidence would disappear, self-trust gone, connection to others vanished. I couldn't look people in the eye and not have this thing that I just done in my mind circling around, you know, like some sharks. And it was horrible. It was really, really horrible.
So what I learned from my mentor, Mary Paulus, is yeah, we want to, we want to start focusing on what we're saying yes to and like what we are choosing. But in that moment when you have that desire, it's not about choosing to start meditating. It's not about choosing to go to the gym or go for a walk or just distract yourself and avoid the desire or go talk to a friend. It's about choosing the discomfort, the temporary discomfort. Because what you've got to realize is, if you're going through a porn addiction, there's going to be a withdrawal, and you're going to have desires. And that desire refuses to be ignored. It's going to stick around until you've dealt with it correctly. And so we're all about actually saying yes, okay, I'm embracing this temporary discomfort. I'm going to experience this because I know on on the other side of this, once I've rewired my brain, permanent mental freedom is possible. I can change my brain to the point where I don't even have these desires anymore because I've thought through the choice so many times repeatedly. And we do that using a five-factor script that you get to a position where you're not even going to want porn because your brain's changed, and you're so crystal clear on exactly what to do every single moment of every day. Every time you have that urge, you know exactly what to do. I'm going to experience this temporary discomfort. That's what I'm saying yes to.
So it's not about saying no. It's not about this resistance, this willpower, this back and forth, this constant conflict, this distract yourself because it doesn't work. And you know it doesn't work because eventually you have the urge and you give in anyway, right? So it's more about saying yes and embracing that temporary discomfort. What are you choosing to do? It's not just, um, you know, being in some battle or fight because then you've just got a conflict in your own mind, and you're never going to experience the real peace of mind, the true mental freedom, which is actually possible, the clarity and the focus that you can experience afterwards.
So I just wanted to share that because last night when I was watching this play, and we've got Hamilton going, "How do I say no to this?" and he's spinning around in circles, doesn't really know what to do, and then eventually gives into his urges, right? And it destroyed his life. It's like, okay, I'm watching that and I'm thinking, well, you're asking yourself the wrong question. It's not about how do you say no, it's how do you say yes. How do you actually deal with that temporary discomfort? Hopefully, this can help someone.
If you want more help with porn addiction recovery, I write emails pretty much every day at the moment, and they're packed full of, full of information, full of my experience, full of stories and and tales of my life and a porn addiction and how I've transformed my mindset through the help I've received from Mary Paulus. There'll be a link in the description to get the free training, and once you've got that free training, you're going to be enrolled to have more frequent emails from myself. Hopefully, they can really help you as well. In addition to this podcast or YouTube channel where you're consuming this content today, right? So yeah, thanks a lot. Hopefully, it's been useful, and we'll see you in the next one. Bye-bye.
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