Transcription
And she doesn't understand that's what happened to her son. Quickly, I'll explain it. As long as he was in the house, it was simple rules. Eat your cereal, say your prayers, kiss mama good night, and go to bed. Here's your reward. You're a good boy. So, he did real good till he got 8 and 9 or so. Then he went out there on the basketball court with all of those miss manner rules that mama taught him. And he said, "When you brothers get through playing with the ball, I'm wondering if it would be possible if I would have a turn to be able to play." AND THEY SAID, "YOU SISSY!" THEY SLAPPED HIS GLASSES OFF HIS FACE. AND HE SAID, "AH! AH! AH!" >> [screaming and groaning] >> HE COMES HOME CRYING TO MAMA. HE'S NOT CRYING OVER THE SMACK. He's crying over the confusion. Because somebody changed the rules of the game, and he can't figure out how to score points, and his self-esteem begins to come down. And suddenly, he's left with a choice. Do I play the rules of mama's game and score points at home, or do I play the rules of their game and score points with them? And in most cases, he doesn't have any male figure to direct him through the traffic of masculinity, and he chooses at least he's hanging with the boys and ends up with the fellows, and he calls the gang his family, and he becomes more loyal to them than he is to you because he's trying to figure out how to score points and win the game again. And the mama doesn't understand that the reason that boy is angry and frustrated is that he's torn between two lovers, and he can't figure out how to win the game. And anytime a man can't figure out how to win the game, he becomes bitter and angry and confused.
You see, men measure everything. All right. How y'all doing? Welcome back to the Onyx Report, black masculinist news for the day. Hoping everything is well with you. Like, share, subscribe, join, donate, hit the hype button, support the show. So, we can continue to bring you this independent black male thought. So, yeah. We're starting out to get into it. Yeah. The whole question about niceness as it relates to boys and men, black boys and men. The transition from the rules of your mother's house to the world. And how you can be misprepared for navigating the world. Boys go through this. Many of us already have. TD Jakes talked about the transitional point from the your from the mother's rules to the rules of the world. And adapting to that. And going through it again in manhood to some extent. Right? When you dealing with women, you dealing with families, you dealing with navigating the world, employment, respect. Right? Whatever the journey is, breaking that part of yourself that's dedicated to what mommy taught you. Right? And this can continue into adulthood on a variety of variety levels, very nuanced levels, levels you're not even aware of that you have to constantly shed what you were taught. Right?
Now, um I'm going to kind of play some clips from my favorite barber. At least I believe he is a barber. What I'm told, I think he's out in Texas. And he drops an interesting word about how young boys learn about what happens to the nice guy. All right. Let's check this out. Growing up, I could tell my mama had a new boyfriend without her even saying one word. You could feel it in the house. She start cooking the good food, music playing, cleaning up the house. She laughing, smiling, in a good mood. And as a kid, you don't understand relationships yet, but you understand energy. So, I knew mama got somebody she like. But I also knew when it was off off, when things went bad. Get quiet around the house. Angry, mad energy everywhere. Watching this pattern [music] over [clears throat] and over growing up, the crazy part was who she treated good and who she treated bad. The men that came in to be stepdads, they had [music] good jobs, you know, they wanted to help, and they was good men. Those were the men that she ran into the ground. She made them pay bills, buy stuff, use them up, push them away, lie to them, and play games on. But the dudes from the street, the tough guys, the stiff dudes, them dudes she treated way better. When you grow up watching that as a boy, it changes you. You start learning a lesson about the world. You start thinking being the good guy gets you used.
So, Yeah. But I but contrast that with what we saw the beginning of the video with Jakes. I mean, there's a difference between what she tells you to do to be her nice boy and how she treats the men that she see her you see her associate with as you're growing up. This too is part of the pull between two lovers as Jakes called Jakes called it, right? You noticing the difference, what she tells you to do and how she treats the men that you watch her with as you're growing up. Very different dynamic. Right? When I got older, I made a decision. I'm not about to be the nice guy. The crazy part is when I tried to be the nice guy, I got treated the same way I watched those other nice guys get treated by my mama. And that's when I realized something. A lot of us don't grow up learning love. We grow up learning patterns. And [clears throat] if you do not recognize those patterns, you'll either repeat it or you'll spend your whole life reacting to it. That's why so many men change. Not because they were just born cold, it's because mama showed them what happened when they not. And it wasn't just mama. Mama's a symbol we're using in this because you'll get similar lessons from women. And this is kind of what he referred to at the latter end of his statement. Right? You watched how your mother treated men, you know, the good guys versus >> [music] >> the guys that weren't so good, weren't so stable, weren't so loving, weren't weren't so family oriented. You saw the difference. But then when you become a man and you start dealing with women in your own life, you notice similar dynamics. Who she treats well and who she doesn't. And if you need an example for what it means to not be treated well, especially as the nice guy, well, Growing up, I could tell I got you covered. Here we go. Boy, you don't want to tell him because you want me to raise the baby. That's That's your initial thought. >> like yes, I want to focus on our family right now. It's >> Are you kidding me? Every time I look at that baby, I'm just going to think of you cheating on me and being on Tinder and all these dating apps. >> Well, I feel like You already know he's a nice guy because he's bothering to have this discussion. Right? So, she's cheated on him. She's pregnant with somebody else's baby. She wants him to raise it. The whole fact that he's having this discussion lets you know he's a nice guy. Right? Through the darkest time in our marriage, that's all that baby's in our mind. >> Okay. Well, don't you think that's something that you can just like work on like fixing and just like look at it a different way? I mean, you have a lot of time to to kind of change like your thoughts on it. >> Why are you expecting this from me? Why are you expecting the world out of me right now? >> Because you decided that we both decided that we were going to work on our marriage and move forward. >> Well, yeah. I Before I knew that you were pregnant. >> OKAY. I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING SEE, women run these head games on the kind of men they know they can get away with it with. Now, some of them going to try regardless, right? Especially if the other dude is isn't stepping up and her hypergamy is working against her. But at the end of the day, she's going to try you. But there's certain men she's not going to try at all. And it's interesting to kind of note who she tries. But you can tell just in this conversation who the nice guy is. The fact that she even brings this to him and the fact that he entertains it to the extent that he does. You're asking me so much OUT OF I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING SINCE THEN. This was something that [laughter] happened before. >> care whether you did or you didn't. That's not THE POINT. THE POINT is is that you cheated on me. I'm And and now I am trying to work on our marriage. I'm trying to give you another chance. And now you're pregnant because you cheated on me. And now you're expecting me to raise the baby. You're acting like I'm some sort of chump and making me regret agreeing to fix things with you. Why? I just felt like I could make you regret that. Oh my god. Like yes, you did. Like I regret now at this point that I gave you another chance. Like the second I found out that you were on Tinder and cheating on me, I I that should have been it. That's not fair. >> That should have been it. And now I'm in the position that I'm in. If I do that now and then I leave you stranded with the baby or with some person that you met on Tinder that you don't even know. Like who knows what kind of father you would be. He's actually right in this moment learning about the disadvantages of being nice. Now again, I don't know if whether this is a skit or not, and I don't particularly care because I've talked to way too many men to know that this kind of [ __ ] happens. And this has happened to men that I've talked to. But again, they run this game particularly on the ones they think they can get away with it with. And I will say it seems to work far more than it should. Right? But it it it the the manufacturing of this disconnected niceness, this kind of this kind of masculinity that you perform that women tell you they, [music] you know, prefer. The one that doesn't work for you. The one that leaves you in a weakened position over and over and over again as long as you keep trying it. Because this is what you were taught. It's not out of stupid stupidity that a lot of men do this. It's because this is what we were taught. Many of us were taught to be good men. And in the black community, that's compounded. To be a good black man usually puts you in some type of servile position in regard to women. Usually it does. Which is why they like it. It suits them. Works to their advantage. You know, you become a serf to every woman you run across. And because it works to her advantage, she's going to applaud it and and and deny anybody that chastises the very notion of being a good black man. But really, the transition for many men is when you figure out that this does not work in to your advantage. And that you were ill-prepared for the world at a young age and you might spend spend several decades unlearning what you've learned. Right? Completely unlearning.
Now, there's an example I can give you of of, you know, what it means to be unprepared and sent out into the world by one's mother. Right? Unprepared for the world. Some of you may have seen this clip. But this is a young man who right upon graduation mother decides to put him out into the world. Let's see. Now, the fact that he's asking him, what is he going to do about food, lets you know she's done no preparation. He's literally in this conversation, what it seems like anyway, getting directives on what he's supposed to do. But if you're going to put your child out at 18, the least you could do is prepare them for life on their own. Now, I would say this 18-year-old end of high school idea putting kids out is passé. That that may have worked in a different environment where they could immediately get a factory job after high school and be able to afford their own, uh, you know, apartment or house for that matter. Especially if there was some nepotism involved and pops got him a job on, you know, in the factory. That that made a little more sense in another time period. But even when I was a high school student, none of us were really capable of paying bills fresh out of high school. None of us. And you talking about the early '90s. You know, late '80s, early '90s. What about 2026? Very different reality. Right? Let's continue. Mhm. Come on. There we go. He said, "I graduated high school like you said." Again, we go back to TD Jakes. Instead of the playground we got him graduating high school. Being launched into the world he's not ready for. Now, I don't know what's happened after this. I don't know, again, if this is a skit. What I'm saying though is just the notion of being transitioned out to the world without having been prepared for it and still playing by the rules mama taught you. What did he say? I did what you said. I got my my my diploma. I did what you said. None of that prepared him for the world. All right. You can see it. Right? Completely unprepared. Not knowing how to navigate, being launched out into the world, but still playing by rules that were never accurate in the first place. And this is what turns people, men particularly, uh, red pill. Right? When you actually have to confront the world and find out how inaccurate what you were taught was.
Now, I'm going to show you a case of a young young boy who's being taught something by his mother that perfectly encapsulates everything I'm talking about. This young man is being taught not to hit women under any circumstances. Check this out. This mom decided to raise a man who will never beat a woman under any circumstances and that's beautiful. Oh, I know. I go ahead and go tell someone. I do not hit back. Especially girls. Why? Because they do not deserve that and they are not like a punching bag or something. Is it okay to hit a boy if he hits you first? No. So, what would you do then? I would go and I would tell him, "Hey, I don't like that." Instead of the girl situation. I'm not talking about a situation where it's a friend and they just hit you one time and then they stop. I'm talking about if someone comes up to you, >> [music] >> they punch you in your face or in your stomach and they're going off on you. Would you fight them back? Yes, I would. Right, because that is self what? Self-defense. Correct. Now, why is it okay to hit a boy back if he comes up to you and he takes off on you, but it's not okay to hit a girl back if she comes up to you and she takes off on you? What is the difference? Mom, I am not sure what is the difference between that. Those. The [snorts] boy got more common sense now than before his training. It's ridiculous. At the end of the day, I've seen this a lot when mothers refuse to prepare their boys for self-defense. But not only from the world, not only from other males, but most particularly from females. Right? This is that age where girls and boys are still the same strength. But she's already preparing him him to give excuses and contact, you know, for any contacts. Where girls do not have to be held accountable, there there need not be any repercussions. He just needs to take it. And this is something men grapple with all the way into their, you know, elder years. But let's continue. Okay, that's all right. As a boy, you should never put your hands on a girl because of a few reasons. The main one being boys are typically stronger than girls and so when boys hit girls back, they can hurt her way worse than she could ever hurt him. Okay? Okay. Now, that's not to say that girls can't be strong because there are lots of strong women. But usually men are way stronger. It's kind of like you fighting your 2-year-old cousin. You're way stronger than him. So, wouldn't be fair for you to fight him because he wouldn't be able to fight you back with that same strength that you have. Yes, correct. And the second reason is because if you put your hands [music] on girls when you get older, you're going to think that it's okay and you will be liable to put your hands on your sister on your mother, me on your auntie on a future girlfriend on a future wife and it's not okay. It's not okay to put your hands on boys either. So, don't think, which I know you don't, but just to clarify, don't think you can go around here putting your hands on boys, but you can't do girls because >> [music] >> we all deserve respect. But if a Notice how everybody gets respect but him. Interesting. A girl is hitting you you need to get away. Do not engage. A boy comes up to you, absolutely do what needs to be done. But you don't just go up to people hitting them. Okay. Okay. This boy is exactly as confused as the boy TD Jakes talked about. And if anything it it it it does not prepare you for the realities of what you'll face at some point. That doesn't have to be as extreme as what I'm about to show you, but it can be. Now, I don't know if YouTube is going to pitch a fit about me playing this clip, but let's check it out. >> [laughter] [music] [singing] >> All right. Yeah. Usually boys that are completely unprepared, you know, for reality end up in situations that they don't know how know how to navigate. Even as adult men. He's been taught since he was little never put your hands on a woman. Not even in self-defense. Often mothers will not tell sons how to how to navigate that world. And unfortunately, they end up in situations like this. Give me your thoughts. Give me your experiences. Let me know what you've seen. Let me know your thoughts about niceness and how it's helped or not helped you in your own life. All right. I'll let y'all later. Peace.