Transcription
Our marriage is great, honestly. Like, it's healthy. It's strong. We set goals. Um, but I need emotional connection to feel safe. And so, I feel like I need that a little bit more consistently.
So, let's take away the word need for a second. What do you want from your husband?
[music]
Hey, what's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Spent the last 20 plus years sitting with hurting people and the wheels have fallen off. Got two PhDs. I spent my whole life studying and sitting with people who are trying to figure out what's the next right move to do in their life when it comes to tough things that have happened, their mental, emotional health, their um gosh, their marriages, their dating relationships, their kids, whatever you got going on in your life. Um I'm a real guy taking real calls from real people um who are struggling and trying to figure out what's the next right move.
Let's go out to Phoenix, Arizona, and talk to Nicole. Hey, Nicole. What's up, lady?
Hi. Hi, Dr. Jundle.
How we doing?
Awesome talking to you.
You, you, too. What's up?
Um, so I guess I'll just get right into it. I'm a little nervous, so bear with me.
No, you're good.
Um, so my question is, how do I communicate my desire to grow in my relationship um, and stay emotionally connecting connected without it sounding like criticism?
What does growth mean? I think um it's more like intentionality in our marriage. Um I our marriage is great honestly like it's healthy, it's strong, we set goals. Um but I have come to know of myself just from past relationships that I need emotional connection to feel safe. And so I feel like I need that a little bit more consistently.
So, let's take away the word need for a second.
Okay.
And I want to use the word want.
Yes.
I'm hearing a lot of the word need thrown around all and I I slip into it and use it too sometimes. But when we tell somebody, especially our spouse that's inside of a great marriage, that y'all are working hard, y'all are doing things, y'all are being intentional, all that stuff. I need you to X, Y, and Z to make me feel a certain way. What we're doing is we're taking a cinder block out of our chest and we're handing it to them and saying, "You have to do this otherwise I drown." And I think that that sets up sometimes a false reality. So I wanted to use what is scarier, more vulnerable language because because like let me take it say it this way. if somebody on the street needed you. One time I was walking into um the college of education building at Texas Tech and this woman had been these two women were on a run and this woman was going into a diabetic coma. And she's like, "She needs candy now." I didn't know them, but I got up and went to work, right? I went inside, got like got a uh one of the vending machines, got a candy bar out, and ran outside, right? We would do anything for somebody who needs something, even strangers. Scarier question. What do you want from your husband?
Um, oh gosh, that's a good question. That's probably a question I should should have asked myself. Um, I think like maybe just a moment where we connect on a daily basis.
Keep going because I think you want more than a moment.
Maybe not. Maybe I'm wrong, but I most people [clears throat] want more than a moment.
Um I think Yeah, probably more than a moment. I think that um we're just so busy in our lives and everybody's busy.
Um.
Nope. Now you're starting to like Now you're starting to feel the weight of want and you're like I mean but it's okay and everyone like just just hold it with me. Okay. Want is a scary thing. What do you want?
I want to take time for just ourselves.
Okay.
What else do you want? Or let me ask you this. What will more time for yourselves get you?
I think the closeness that I'm wanting.
Okay.
Not just the um partnership that we have, but.
Yeah.
Building that friendship. I mean, we have friendship that but a closer friendship.
I heard a little baby in the background. Do you have little ones?
Yeah, I have three kids.
Three kids. How old are they?
Uh 7, five, and one.
Holy smokes. So, you're in it right now, right?
Oh yeah.
Okay. Take this husband off the table for a second. Tell me about the feeling that you're losing you.
Um yeah, sorry. I didn't think I'd get emotional.
Um.
No, you're good. You're good.
I think that oftenimes I just give and give and give. Um, I work in healthcare, so that's kind of just my go-to. Um, and sometimes, yeah, I just feel like I need.
Time to be me or time to be us without having to give.
You want somebody to take care of you like you take care of everybody else.
Yeah. But I feel guilty for saying that because my husband already does so much. Like he's amazing.
The American guilt factory for the young mom. [laughter]
You feel guilty for asking anything. Is that why you're in healthcare?
Because you've been taking care of everybody your whole life.
Yeah, pretty much.
So the the reason I'm asking these questions is I want to get to the bottom of it. And I've said this on other shows, but growth is a word I hear. We I just want to keep growing. I just want to keep growing. Unrestrained growth is cancer. Those are cells that won't stop dividing. So growing just to try to grow your way out of a problem is not always the solution. Growing towards a thing. I want to get in better shape. I want to have more sex. I want to be the wild, fun girl, wife, woman that I used to be. Those are all great, but just indefinitely growing is like running a marathon and right when you get to mile 26, you move the finish line another 20 miles. And that's a recipe for burnout. Or it's a recipe for some doctor comes by and looks at you in the hospital and says, "I think you're beautiful." Or, "Your jokes are hilarious." And you find yourself doing things that you would never do.
Yeah. I think I to me growing or striving for something has always been yeah I guess I just never sit and rest.
Okay. What does peace feel like?
Calm. Lack of chaos.
Yeah. Which is really hard to come by with a seven, five, and a one-year-old. There is no calm, right?
Oh, right.
I love that. I love hearing that. It's one of my favorite noises in the whole world. [laughter] I love it. I love it. Love it. Love it. Love it. Love it. Um, just that babbling of a one-year-old. I love it. So, how do you end up communicating to your husband, hey, I miss you. I miss us. like how do I do it now or.
I don't.
Okay so what I hear a lot and this might not be your house and so push back on me is women live in a guilt factory they don't do anything well enough and men live in a failure factory they come home and they didn't do this right they didn't do that right and there's not a thing they can do to make their wife feel less guilty about any of the circumstances? And it just gets in this big figure eight loop where you chase and you hide and you chase and you hide and then things blow up like you always have your phone or you never do this and it just turns into everybody chasing and then they throw needs at each other. Well, I need more sex. Well, I need this and I need this. And then the weight of that just gets real heavy. And so people just start dropping it instead of saying, and this is hard, it's scary because most of us have never done this. I want our house to feel like this when you get home. When I get home. How do we create that? And I want to be striving, but right now I have three little humans that I co-created. And so my striving is going to be for a good night's sleep for a season. My striving is going to be for 30 minutes of screens off. We're playing dominoes. We're talking about our day. We're making out again like we used to. We're sneaking away for a burger even though that's not healthy. And whatever. We're just going to do it.
Yeah, that sounds pretty accurate.
Tell me if I'm way out to lunch.
No, you're right. I think that um it definitely will turn into moments of I hold in all that and explode with anger. I have a lot of rage [laughter] inside and it's not fair to him that I'm not expressing what I want and it's coming out as that.
Gotcha.
And then you become somebody you don't want to be and then you feel guilty about that. So then it starts the cycle over. I'm going to hold it. I'm going to hold it. I'm going to hold it. I'm going to hold it. And then he gets home and plops down on the couch and turns the game on and grabs his phone and then And now we start over again.
Yep. Pretty accurate picture there.
And so there's something powerful about clearing the deck and saying, "Hey, we have a brand new marriage and I love you forever. How do we want this house to feel?" And this is where it gets scary and not everybody's in on this. And I hate that for them, but they're not. And that is I have to see you that you're a person. I got to know you. What are you into these days? I've got to celebrate you. I have to be the biggest cheerleader in the world and then we can start the challenging part. You got to put your phone down, man. And like you have actual needs, too, by the way, which is there's this many lunches that have to be made and this much food that has to be cooked and this much sleep I need because I'm still breastfeeding and being a full-time hospital employee and being a like all those things are true. Like there's actual things that have to get checked off a list. But what does it look like to swipe the deck and say we have never been married with three kids. Let's build something awesome. How can I love you in this season? And that's him getting to know you again and you saying, "Here's how you can love me in this season."
Yeah, that sounds nice.
Is it realistic or are you just like placating me and being like trying to make peace?
No, no, it does sound realistic and absolutely like he's any time I've asked for anything, he's immediately on board. And I guess that's where the guilt comes into is he never asks for anything. Everything's hunky dory on his end. And so.
Maybe, maybe not. But maybe some guys are complex, some guys are pretty simple.
Yeah. And you asking him, "How can I love you in this season?" is giving him permission to put it on the table and say, "Well, this would be kind of awesome." Or he might look at you and say, "I see how much you're doing. You're doing so much. Like, I have everything I want in this season." And you have to make peace with that. that you're worth being loved even when you're not quote unquote striving for whatever.
Yeah.
So, give me two or three things besides just a minute of connection. I just don't think that's enough. What would peace feel like in your house right now?
I think it would be like I don't know like kind of like you were saying like when you when either one of us come home from work that there's some time where we just ask each other about our day and you know connect together outside of the kids.
So here's a thing we created in my house. It's called grown-up time when my kids were really young. And they knew that when I walked in the door, mom and dad went in the back bedroom and shut the door. And they got a message from early on that the most important thing in my life was my wife and vice versa. And we would just call it grown-up time. And both kids would go and but they knew it. And sometimes there'd be a temper tantrum because they're five. They're supposed to throw temper tantrums. I'm not going to lose sleep over that. And y'all can't do that fully because you're going to be holding a one-year-old, right? You can't just drop a one year old off in the middle of the couch and be like, "Here's the remote kid." You can't do that. Right.
Right.
But that's where chores can be helpful. That's where coloring time, they can go do stuff and they learn to be bored and they learn to self-regulate. But in a weird way, that gives them the single most stable thing in the world, which is a mom and dad. They're on the same team.
Yeah, I like that. That was a great idea.
But you're going to have to weather a storm. If you got a seven-year-old and 5-year-old and they've never done that, they're going to push on it and see if it will hold. But all of us, don't don't do this peace meal, though. Don't be like, "Hey, when you get home, we're going to start this new thing cuz it will last about 4 days." Okay? And you can leave the dishes on the sink. He can leave the dishes on the sink. There can be trash that's not taken out yet. But as a part of who do we want to be in this new marriage, in this new season, every day you walk in the door or I walk in the door, I want us everything put everything goes down and we go in our bedroom, we shut the door. We might have the one-year-old with us. That's fine. But I just want to hug for 30 seconds and I want you to put your hands on my face and just put your forehead on my forehead and tell me that you love me. And sometimes 20 minutes of walking in the door and just being together and 20 more minutes of mad dash. Are the water bottles filled? Are the lunches for tomorrow made? Is the laundry is one thing in the laundry in the washing machine instead of doing five hours of laundry on the weekend? Can we just throw one in? If you have a washing machine and dryer in your house, like 20, you're talking 40 minutes and the whole house is different. And then some nights, like last night, my wife said, "Hey, I just need to watch The Office. Come sit by me." Okay. I stopped what I was doing, came down downstairs, and sat on the couch. We watched The Office together. We laughed. was fun. She went to bed. I went back to what I was doing. I guess what I'm going to tell you is this. If y'all two decide we come first, that will give you infinitely more margin to take care of them. You just have to be honest about what does coming first, what do we want when we say that? And if you have a husband that loves you, that shows up, that works hard for your family, that's doing his part on on like the chores side of things, right? um and your body starts to quote unquote feel unsafe, be honest about what your body is saying to you because it may not be telling you the truth. Or it may be, but it may not be. You get what I'm saying?
There may be a season where you exhale and say, "No, he loves me." Or there may be a season where it's like, "I need some girlfriends." Which means once a week, husband, you're on your own with all three of these wild cats. I'm out of here. Right.
Right. Yeah.
Hang on the line. I'm going to hook you up with the together app and I want you and your husband to log in and use it and it will it it will learn you guys over time and it will give y'all one or two tasks a day. Sometimes three tasks a day that y'all co-create together that will do a thing towards each other. But I want y'all to go out this weekend if possible. Maybe not because it's short notice. Maybe next weekend. clear the deck and say, "All right, we've never been married with three kids before. Let's build a new marriage. How do you want this house to feel when we both walk in? What are the things we have to do? We got to pay bills. We got to make dinner. We got to get diapers out." Blah, all that stuff. Kids got to get ba bathed. What are the things we have to do? How do we split this up? And then what does connection look like? And I'll I'll say connection works best when for everybody when somebody walks through the door and husband and or wife makes a beline for their partner and we stop and the kids know it's grown-up time. Y'all get out. Y'all get out. Grown-up time. And they'll fight you on it, but man, their nervous systems will rest. They'll rest. I love your word intentional. Let's try to use the word want instead of need. Let's go down that rabbit hole. Thanks for the call, sister. We come back, a woman asks how to set boundaries when with family when it feels like selfabandonment. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. If you feel like you're the one holding everything together in everyone's life while you're slowly falling apart, I want you to hear me for a second. You can keep thinking that you don't have time to take care of yourself and that you're anxious and you feel stuck and you're overwhelmed and that's just the way things are going to be and all the time you keep saying, "I just have to take care of everybody else. I'm going to get to me later." Listen, that works for a while until it doesn't. Talking with a licensed therapist gives you a place to slow down, get honest, and sort through what's actually yours to carry and what isn't, even if you don't have all the right words. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that matches you with a licensed therapist based on your goals and your preferences. You can message your therapist and schedule sessions through the platform. And if the first therapist isn't the right fit, you can switch at any time for no additional cost. When you start putting words to your thoughts with a trained guide, you feel more grounded, more connected. You know what the next right thing to do is, and you become more hopeful. You're not weak for wanting help. You're wise for choosing to talk to someone. Visit betterhelp.com/deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp hp.com/deloney. Montana Knife Company makes the best knives on the planet. Period. This holiday season, me and my son were out in the woods all across the country, hunting, doing outdoor adventures, and me and my wife have been cooking the whole break between the woods in the kitchen. I need knives. My family needs knives that actually hold up. And Montana Knife Company is the best, the best, the best. A few years ago, I bought my wife the chef's knife set, and she still uses it every day. I've started using every day. I love them. And I love Montana Knife Company's outdoor knives. I have tons of their knives. They're designed, tested, and built by real hunters and real cooks. And when you pick one up, you can instantly feel the quality. They're proudly made in the USA. They are razor sharp right out of the box. And they are tough enough to last a lifetime. Montana Knife Company guarantees that my grandkids are going to fight over my knives someday. They're that good. And when the knives need sharpening, just send them back to Montana Knife Company and they'll sharpen them and send them back to you for free. Give the outdoorsman and the cook in your life a knife that they'll love and actually use forever. Go to montana knife company.com to see what's available right now. You will not be disappointed. That's montana knife company.com.
All right, Muscle Scholes, Alabama. There's a great recording studio there. Let's go to Marie. Hey, Marie. Hi, Dr. John. How are you?
Remarkable. Running a scam called a podcast. What are you doing?
I'm just uh you know, waiting to talk to you. I've I've listened to you for a couple years and you know I really appreciate your insight and your expertise. So, thank you so much for taking my call.
Of course, man. Thanks for being in our gang for a few years.
Absolutely.
It's good to have you. What's up?
Um so, I'll just, you know, I'll start with my question and you know, I can provide, you know, whatever context um you need. So my question is, how do you set boundaries um around family and familial obligations when those obligations feel like self-abandonment?
That sounds like some internet gobbly What does that mean? What what does [laughter] uh what does obligations and self-abandonment, how do those work together?
Well, um, you know, just I guess to provide a little bit of of context to the situation, you know, I just moved back to my hometown two years ago and, you know, with the holidays coming up and everything and and now that I'm here, you know, I'm expected to attend, you know, these family events. Um, but, you know, just to be quite frank with you, um, you know, I don't really enjoy being around my extended family. And the reason for that is, you know, um the way they talk about people, their behavior, you know, just just to be, you know, put it out there, you know, they use slurs. They they they say things that are just that make me very uncomfortable. And I'm just kind of expected to let them be as they are and and not cause anything because if I say something, I'm labeled the troublemaker. I'm too sensitive. I I'm trying to start things. And um but, you know, attending these events, I just feel like not having to be around this behavior is not me being true to like my values and the things that I think are right.
Okay. You use the word value, so I'm going to jump in here.
Okay.
Mhm.
Sounds like you have two options. A not go or B. Be willing to be labeled a troublemaker. Right.
And I think any other energy you expend on anything other than those two options is a waste of energy.
Right. You know I the the conversation of me not going obviously come [clears throat] up because I have you know I've said that but see then I get guilt trips. You know the guilt gets weaponized by my family as if like.
They don't get a vote. You don't y'all have different values.
I just um.
You want to be fully you and you want them to be different. You can only impact one of those one side of that equation. And one of the things I think social media has lied to us about is that being fully you always always comes at a cost. And the way social media is designed is it circles the wagons with a million different realities for slivers, niche beliefs, operating systems, values. And we think that we can be fully ourselves, comment on things, watch things, scroll things, get enraged by things, and it doesn't have a cost in social media world.
Right.
This is a real world where you have racist family members. You know, I've since I've been here the past couple years, I've I've been to a few things and, you know, I haven't I've I've kept my mouth shut. I've just walked away from the situation, but that has made me feel like I'm not standing up for what I think is right. And, you know, I don't want to cause some big blowout. I don't want my, you know, I don't want there to be some big rift. But you don't get a choice on that.
Because they can blow up if they want to and they can rift with you if they want to. They're adults in America. They can make that choice. You can only control you. I guess the um I mean I mean you're absolutely right. I just I guess the I mean I don't want there to be a follow-up question, but it's just like I just I don't want this to be something I have to argue every year. You know, every time there's something that comes up, it's going to be so you're just not going to attend this year. So you're just, you know, how to continually deal with that, you know, with if I stand firm on, you know, I'm not going to attend just because I don't want to be around these individuals, you know, it's just I feel like every single time it's always going to be them. You know, I I've listened to your show plenty of times and you say, you know, people will will do everything they can to try to break that boundary and see if it holds. And I wanted to because it's who I am, you know? I want to stay true to who I am, but at the same time, it's like I haven't even seen my family in so long. It would be nice if I could go and enjoy, you know, it. And it's like grieving.
There it is.
The family that I wish I had.
That's it. That's it. Grieving the family I wish I had. There it is. Because you wish you had a family that loved other people well. And you wish you had a family that they could even have their own beliefs, but that honored yours.
Yeah. I'm not even asking them to. I mean, I wish they would change, but I'm not even asking that. I just I like, can you not use that language around me? Can you not speak like that when I'm around? And I get it gets laugh. it gets, oh, you know, Jessica's too sensitive or Marie's too sensitive. Um, you're too, you know, and I don't feel like I get the same respect that I'm being asked to.
You don't. You don't. You don't. And I'll sit here with you cuz I wish you had a different family that honored you and other people, too. Exhale on that. You're still holding your breath. Exhale on that.
[laughter]
This stinks, man. It sucks. It's the worst.
And so I think.
The question the question before you is what are you going to do next? And you can't do life alone. And now you're going to find yourself one of those statistics that doesn't go to family events because people are ugly and don't honor and respect you. I've got family members who believe dramatically different about things than I do. And some of them to their highest credit love me more than being right or feeling powerful and we hang out and others don't. And so I don't go. Does that make me sad? Of course it does. And then I have a weird responsibility knowing I can't do life by myself is I've got to get other people in my life to be around. And it shouldn't be that way, but it is.
I just I want to love them where they are.
Night.
You can, but that doesn't mean you have to put your hand back in the fire every single year.
Yeah.
So, I can love you. I can love you with all my heart. And if you need something, I'll be there. But, um, as for me and mine, we're not going to be around this kind of garbage, this kind of dehumanization, this kind of ugliness. We're just not. And so, I have the responsibility to not just sit at home on Christmas by myself. Right.
And so I'm going to go find some people to do it with and I'll be sad. I might even cry the first time, the second time. I heard one guy, he's a pretty famous guy. I won't put him on blast here, but we were behind closed doors. And he said, "The only thing I hate worse than fighting is going to bed at night and knowing you didn't tell the truth today." And that resonated with me.
Yeah.
And I just have developed a personal belief that I only speak if someone can hear me. And if I've said, "Hey, I don't think this is appropriate. I don't think this is kind. I I think this is ugly. And I don't want to be around this kind of garbage talk." And people are like, then cool, man. I'm gonna brush my shoulders off and go on to the next. And I'm going to be sad the whole way. But being your full self always comes at a cost. And if if if your your extended family was annoying, I would probably tell you to get over it. If they were whatever, you know, just morons or goofballs or,
You know, told jokes that you wish they didn't tell the dinner table, I would say, "It's your family. Get over it." But these people violate your values.
Yeah.
They say horrible things about other people and then they blame you for having a conscience.
They frame it that way, too. As if they're, "Oh, that's just a joke or that's just how so and so is, just ignore him." And I'm like, I just, you know, like I said, like for me, ignoring that is me saying it's okay. And that's just how I feel personally. And I don't even.
Well, challenge yourself and see if your feelings are right. If there's two idiots and there's 50 people there, then I'm I won't connect with the two idiots.
Right.
Right.
Right. But if there's 48 other people that I love and care about and that believe differently than me, but they are kind and respectful, I'll show up.
And when somebody walks up, I'll walk away. I'm not going to cash in my character, my dignity, and respect of other people. Um, but if there's 20 of them and there's 30 people at the event, yeah, I'm not going to go. I'll stay at home. It's that scary thing of like you said it perfectly. I don't I can't even improve on what you said. I got to grieve the family I wish I had and I wish people would be have my back. Even if they disagree with me, I wish they'd have my back. But behavior is a language and what they're saying is I don't want you here. You're too this or you're to that. And so if you feel like you are being a person who lacks integrity by being around these folks, then the call is I got to find other people to be around. If you feel like it's too much, but you know what? I'm challenging my feelings. They're annoying, but I'm going to go and I'm still who I am. And in fact, I'm going to go there and love super well. And over time, that's going to change them. Maybe. Maybe. But I think you got to grieve the family that you thought you had. I want you to write a letter to the worst one. Do not send the letter, but I want you to write a letter to the worst one and get all this garbage out of your body onto a piece of paper. Get it out. Dear so and so, I hate when you talk bad about other people. Makes me sick. Get it out of your body. Look at it. And then ask yourself, are these feelings true? And if so, I got some hard grieving to do and some hard work to do. And if the feelings are a little bit heavy, but I'm going to go and I'm just going to avoid these two three people. I'll walk away. Then go enjoy yourself. Have a good time. But just remember, the only person you can change is you. The only person you can control is you. And any energy spent trying to control or change other people is just feudal. It's a waste of doing the next right thing. I hate this for you, Marie, but I trust you to make the next right move. We come back, a man asks if he should tell his Catholic father that he's agnostic. We'll be right back. All right. In this new year, one of the best gifts that I can give my family is showing up fully present. And that means I need to be calm, clear, and rested. And for me, showing up well starts with a good night's sleep. And that's why when I need a good night's sleep, I reach for Beam's Dream Powder. It's a sciencebacked powder that I mix with my favorite drink, and it helps me fall asleep faster, stay asleep longer, and wake up feeling clear and not groggy. I love that Beam's dream powder supports all four stages of sleep using ingredients that your body actually needs. Magnesium, atheanine, epigenine, reishi, melatonin, and more. No weird chemicals, no added sugar, and it tastes incredible. Listen, Beam also makes kids super powder packed with greens, vitamins, and probiotics. It's super healthy, and both of my kids love it. So, if you're ready to raise your sleep standards, now's the time. And if you want to give your kids a healthy vitamin in the morning or at night, Beam has got you. For a limited time, Beam is giving my listeners their best offer ever, up to 50% off your entire order. So, use my discount code, Deloney, and you can get their bestselling dream powder for just 39 bucks. Go to shopbeam.com/deloney and use code Deloney at checkout. That's shopbeambeam.com/daloney and use code deloney for up to 50% off your order. All right. Hey, take two seconds and hit the like or subscribe button. Share this episode if you can. Man, it makes such a big difference. Um, kicking the show up in the algorithms and getting the show in front of more people. Um, it doesn't cost you anything, but it really supports our show and what we're trying to do here, which is change individuals and families and relationships all across the globe. Thank you so so much for taking the time to do that. Let's go out to Burlington Coat Factory, Vermont, and talk to Chase. What's up, Chase?
Hey, Dr. John. Thank you so much for taking my call.
You got it, man. What's up?
Um, so I'll start with my question. Also, I want to apologize. I'm a little nervous.
You're good.
But my question, thank you. um is if I should tell u my Catholic father um that I'm agnostic um or if I should um kind of occasionally, you know, go to mass with him um despite, you know, not necessarily feeling the most comfortable um doing so.
H let's start with the comfort. Why don't you feel comfortable going?
So, I was diagnosed with OCD um when I was younger, kind of like my early teens. Um and part of my I guess obsessions would be um you know, if I didn't perform a certain behavior, if I didn't do something that um if I didn't, you know, pray enough that um you know, I would be punished by God. And so there was kind of this like religious aspect to it um in the way that you know, my um obsessions and compulsions kind of played out. Um, so that's just kind of an area where I'm a little concerned about um, you know, maybe reopening um, a wound.
Um.
But you don't you don't even believe it anymore, right?
Correct. Yeah. So, um, is it okay if I give a little bit of background just kind of about my family situation?
Yeah.
Yeah. So, um, I live with my parents um, as well as my wife. Um, you know, we have a really good relationship. Um, in terms of my like upbringing, um, it wasn't a super, um, you know, religious household, but, um, we did go to mass, you know, fairly occas uh, or fairly often. Um, you know, usually maybe once a month, something like that, but not every week. Um, you know, we would go on major holidays, things like that. Um, and I think now that I'm, you know, I'm adult, I'm an adult. Um, they know I have kind of, um, my own beliefs about certain things, but, um, I also want to be respectful of them. Um, you know, so you live in their house.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yep. Yeah. I mean, my gut here is telling me I I don't know what you would accomplish by telling your dad. I don't know what that would free you from.
Yeah. I think the the other difficult aspect is um I I love my dad. we have a good relationship um but we don't really have a lot of super um you know emotional or um you know we don't really talk about our feelings and things like that. So um you know having those kind of tough conversations with him is something that I've always tried to avoid. Um you know I have those conversations more with my mom. Um but, you know, my dad he struggles with a lot of guilt um about, you know, not attending mass regularly. Um, you know, he um it's something that um, you know, he has also some unresolved like trauma and things like that. So.
But what does that have to do with you?
Yeah. So for me I am I guess I'm just afraid of um you know I I don't want to hurt him emotionally by having this conversation but I also want to um kind of honor my own um my beliefs and um just kind of where my comfort lies. And I I I do think he would be um respectful and understanding. Like I don't fear any kind of um, you know, verbal or um physical abuse or anything like that, but um I I guess I want to be more open with him and be more vulnerable. Um and I'm just I'm not sure if if I can do that.
So I I think there's a couple things here. One is I'm going to go back to it. You and your wife live in their house.
Yes.
And so if there's a way you can respect them for putting a roof over your head and this isn't violating some deep core value of yours, you're not like a procilitizing atheist.
Correct.
Like at some point it sounds like you just like I'm I don't care. I don't believe in the in the hoopla and the mythology of it all. That's fine. And if that's the case, dude, part of being in relationships is being uncomfortable. If you're seeking comfort all the time, you're not seeking relationship. And so I would put on my clothes and go to church, man.
Yeah. And if when you were a kid, you believed in all of the theater and it between what you were taught and some challenges you had processing the world and like all that led to like a powerful thing of guilt. And I I wonder if you're agnostic because you're tired as much as you don't believe in it all, but that's for another phone call. Like I again the best way to get to know somebody is not to dump all of your feelings onto them, but it's to ask them to tell you stories about them.
Yeah.
And so if you want to develop emotional connectivity or relationship with your dad, it would be, "Dad, I want us to start going out once a week. I want to learn all about your story." What?
Yeah. I don't know you that well.
Yeah, you do. Like, no, Dad. We're doing this. we're going tell me about going to church when you were a kid and just let him talk and if he asks you a question you can answer it.
Do you get what I'm saying?
Yeah.
You're taking a taking a selfish approach which I have this stuff in my chest and he needs to know about it and I'm just asking you why.
Yeah. And I I think the biggest thing I've struggled with is the approach because I don't want it to be this big thing where um I'm like, you know, unveiling all this information and kind of um changing, you know, how he how he views me or um things like that. I I want it to be more of like a natural um you know, conversation and um so I think that is good um perspective to kind of come at it from that lens.
Um.
But you don't feel settled to me. Are you settled?
What do you mean?
Why are you living with your parents?
Okay. Yeah. So, um I'm a recent college graduate. Um you know, specifically in in our area, um housing is, you know, ridiculously expensive. So, my parents, um really encouraged us to live with them. Um, you know, they want us to to save money to um they also just like, you know, having us around and um we do as well. So, Um she does. Yeah. I there there are certain, you know, pros and cons with with that situation. Um, you know, losing some of that independence that we had in college and feeling like young adults, you know, um not uh you know, going into the world um fully. But um we both are are happy with the situation that we're in and we're really grateful to our parents.
What's the timeline on this?
So my wife is actually um looking to get into medical school. So um the timeline could be um, you know, a little more extended um, a few more years depending on um if she gets into medical school here um, you know, maybe another part of the country somewhere else [clears throat] but yeah yeah.
So often when we feel unsettled about our lot in life where we happen to be financially where we happen to be spiritually where we happen to be physically psychologically we feel unsettled it feels like it would feel better. And I'm using the word feel a lot here. If we took this stuff out of our chest and handed it to somebody else and often that is a hack towards taking the next right action and what I'll tell you is if you feel frozen inside of your own skin, dumping things onto somebody will not make you feel better. In fact, it will multiply it because you'll still have that feeling and you'll feel guilty and then you'll feel mad and then you won't have anywhere to go with that anger because you're financially trapped, your wife's in med school, yada yada. Then that turns to rage. And so my question for you is what's the next couple of right actions around your finances around your marriage, around your faith, around your physical body, like being a good steward of your body. Exercise, like what are some things you can do to begin to make peace with you?
Yeah, I think um exercise is a big one. Um, you know, there there are definitely aspects where, you know, I'm getting back into therapy. I'm trying to work through, you know, some of these um personal issues. And I think um yeah, it was more just imagining myself, you know, in a situation where my dad is kind of asking me about religion and my beliefs. And I don't want to be dishonest with him. Um but I also, like you said, I don't want to dump um dump that onto him um when I am dealing with my own kind of um, you know, emotional um baggage.
Yeah. So I one I'm going to tell you you you sound like a guy that spends a lot of time in your own head. Is that fair?
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.
Okay. I want you to get that stuff out of your head and I want you to come up with one or two actions you can take daily towards becoming a guy that you have confidence in.
Okay.
And this is a man who keeps his promises to himself. And even if it's good economics, even if it's good for the time being, even if it makes everybody at peace, I'm getting the sense that and and you and I could peel it back for a couple of hours, but you are unsettled with you.
That's fair.
It could be that your wife is going to be a medical doctor and you feel less than. It could be that the fact that you got married and now you're back at your parents house. It could it could be a thousand different things. But this anxiousness, this dragging future problems and holding them in the present isn't helping you, but it's causing you to lose faith and trust in you. And then your wife can't anchor into you. You just begin to spin and loop and loop and loop and loop. Does that sound familiar?
It does. It does. Yeah.
So making and not going crazy. I go bananas. My wife always makes fun of me. She calls me u like January John. She that's her favorite guy in the world cuz he's crazy. Like I'm going to do it all. I'm going to lose 40 lbs. I'm going to be on time every day. And I just man I.
Just go. She, but I, I, I'm telling you, get two things. I will not budge. I don't care if it's midnight and I just got off my second shift from my second job and I'm going to go exercise for at least 20 minutes 'cause I said I would. And I want you to begin a practice of building trust in you. That's number one.
Number two, take your old man out and say, "I'm a young married guy and I got a lot to learn. I want to get to know you." And then just throw some questions down the table and let the old man go.
>> Yeah.
>> And if faith comes up, you can tell him, "Yeah, man. I struggle with that Catholic guilt my whole life. I'm kind of in a place where I don't believe in much of nothing right now and I'm still thinking through it. I'm still working through it or I'm pretty settled. I just, as for me right now, it's not for me. And by the way, I had a whole, I had years where I didn't, I was a complete and total atheist. Didn't believe in any of it. But I knew the data that said getting up and having a faith community was good for my body. So I still went. It meant something to my wife and to my family. So I went and that ended up being a path back to something that I never could have imagined 'cause the practice was good. Right? If you're [clears throat] going to an abusive faith community, then no, don't go to that. Run from that. Right? But when it's like, I don't know, I wear pretty much the same thing all the time. Always. Always. And if I'm going somewhere nice, I went to a funeral the other day. I dressed up and I didn't feel comfortable in my clothes, but I dressed up because it was the right thing to do. It was a way to honor that person's family who died. And I may not go to the church my parents go to. I mean, would never have attended, but if I go to town and I'm in town with my family and they're all getting up to go, I'm going to go with them. You get what I'm saying?
>> I do. Yeah.
>> If it's abusive and I think it's revolting, then I'm not going to go. And I'll have that conversation before, but it sounds like you are try, you're uncomfortable in your own skin right now and the way you're trying to become comfortable is to seek comfort. And that sounds exactly like the path, but I want to tell you it's counterintuitive. It doesn't work that way. Actually, if you are uncomfortable in your own chest, you seek more discomfort because on the other side of that, you become somebody that you can trust. And that's where true comfort is. And I know that sounds crazy. Read my buddy Michael Easter's book, The Comfort Crisis. It's a masterpiece. So, to answer your big question, if given all I've heard from your situation, yes, I would just go to church with my dad, man, because it makes him feel whole and good, and that's a way I can love somebody, especially somebody that I'm living in their house right now. It'd be a way to love my mom and it's not a big violation of my values. It's just not something I believe in. But for you, it's like going to a movie once a week. Like, I, I know Tom Cruise isn't whatever, but I'll go. And also, it sounds like you want to get to know your old man. Great, dude. Y'all start a weekly breakfast together. And it seems like you need to start thinking about who do I want to be when it comes to my profession. That's awesome. And by the way, I probably wouldn't anchor in too deeply because your wife may get matched at some medical school all the way on the other side of the country. Cool. But I'm going to start taking action steps, not sitting there ruminating. I'm going to commit to a thing for 90 days. I'm going to go do it. Today's day one, homie. I'm proud of you. Thanks for calling. Your move. We'll be right back.
All right. You know that I've been talking about my love for Poncho shirts for years. And if you've seen me on stages around town or across the country or just hanging out at a restaurant here in Nashville, you've probably seen me wearing Poncho shirts. And here's what's rad. Now I'm starting to see y'all wearing Poncho shirts. Members of my audience, friends at church, even my co-workers, everybody I know is starting to wear Poncho shirts or hit me up for free Poncho shirts. Why? Because they're the best men's performance shirts anywhere. And listen, they're flannels and corduroys. They're amazing and they always sell out this time of year. So, if you want to get them, get on them now. And if you're into their denims, oh man, I am too. Poncho denims have that soft broken-in feel with little stretch like you've worn it a million times, but it still looks and feels amazing. Flannels, denims, corduroys, they have your performance shirts. They come in all kinds of styles. They're tough and they're guaranteed to be the softest, most comfortable shirts you own. Head to ponchooutdoors.com/daloney and get $10 off your first order when you sign up with your email. And February 6th through 8th, Poncho is running a Valentine's Day special. Get a free gift with your purchase. Go to ponchooutdoors.com/deloney.
>> All right, Kelly. Am I the problem? Go for it.
>> All right, so this is from Matthew and he is in Samora, North Carolina.
>> Okay.
>> And he writes, "Am I the problem? It bothers my wife if I watch shows or movies with attractive women. Even James Bond movies are too much. I have given up on that and I only watch sports. My middle school daughter is really into volleyball. There was a highly ranked college volleyball team um the game on TV last night. My daughter sat down in the same room as me and started telling me about the players. My wife got upset what with what I was watching. Finally left the living room, did the dishes, and just went to bed. Am I the problem?"
Oh jeez. Okay. Number one, clearly no. Not the problem. And so just the way he painted this picture, yes, his wife clearly has some issues, right? Um, and I would dig into what's the thing beneath the thing beneath the thing. What is it about seeing a college volleyball player that makes her have to leave the room because she feels so less than? Okay, that's number one. And just playing devil's advocate here, if you watch James Bond or whatever movie and you're constantly oohing and being like, "Oh god, if you look like her or can you imagine being that hot or whatever," then yes, she doesn't want to be around you. And so I'm assuming based on your question that you, you, you were fair as you posed it. Um, but yeah, when it comes into like, dude, I, I don't know. What do you think, Kelly? I mean, the whole thing just sounds preposterous, but I, I don't live in that world. My, my wife, if somebody beautiful comes on, she's like, "You better probably come in here." And so, I just don't, I can't resonate with this at all.
>> Yeah, same at our house. I mean, my husband's first of all is a huge James Bond fan. But I think it's if assuming he's not sitting there making crude comments about her or why don't you look like her, what he, whatever,
>> then that's some insecurities on her end.
>> And she needs to deal with that. Especially if I'm watching a sport that my daughter is interested in and she's sitting there and we're talking about it. I mean, unless he's making crude comments about college-age girls in their volleyball uniforms. If you're doing that in front of your daughter, you're sick, dude. Shame on you.
>> That's gross.
>> But if he's not, if it's like, I'm just watching this, she's interested, she's telling me about it, and now I have to get up and leave the room because you've made it difficult for me to stay here. Then she's got some issues. Yeah. And so here's the deal. I would sit down and with my, if that, if I'm you, I would sit down with her and say, "We've reached a point where the house is stopping because you've got some challenging insecurities. I want to talk about it. How can I make you feel loved? What is it about seeing these other women, these other either fictional characters or other real people? And by the way, college athletes are in the best shape of their lives. Of course, they look different than the rest of us. And actresses and actors on movie screens, I mean, people call me like, like, "Man, you look like Brad Pitt a lot." That happens a lot, but like Kelly's like, "Never. That never happens." But like um of that's why they're movie stars, right? So of course they look [laughter] like aesthetically like whatever. They look awesome. Um, but if that, if I bring that into my own chest and into my own spirit and I look in the in the in the mirror and I think I'm less than I'm unable to be in the room. I got to get out and walk out on my daughter because she's watching a sport, then yeah, I need to go talk to somebody 'cause that means I've got some deep insecurities that are going to ripple through my family for a long, long time. So, and if you're an oohy, gross dude, don't be that.
[music]
That's just gross. Just gross. Love you guys. Bye.
[music]