Transcription
I was raised by a nice guy. I was raised to be a nice guy. My father is still a nice guy. Being a nice guy is not a good thing. It's easy to conflate the word nice with good. And nothing can be further from the truth. A lot of people think, well, bad boys get all the all the girls. And so, it seems like the only choice is to either be a nice guy or a bad boy. And that's a false choice as well.
Today, I want to talk a little bit about what it is to be a nice guy, aka a s or bluepilled, how it destroys your life, your relationships, and your entire quality of existence. And how you can change it and how there is a third path that you don't need to be an agreeable s and you don't need to be an. There is a path that allows you to achieve fulfillment, success, and happiness in your life. Let's talk about it.
So, my mom and dad were divorced when I was, I want to say 17. So, I was like 1982, '83. And, um, you know, it was a little bit of a shock, but I didn't care too much. I was preoccupied with my own life to some degree. They never argued. You know, my dad was always very agreeable. Um, he was a nice guy in every way with all of his social interactions. I remember him talking to me sort of out of school about people behind their back as I got older. And he would be very nice to them up front, but then he would express to me his reservations, concerns, or judgments about these guys behind their backs. And I thought, isn't that odd? He seems like such a nice guy, but my dad's really kind of an underneath it all. Well, that was sort of the first sign, and I should have recognized it for what it was, but I didn't. I didn't see it, and I didn't understand it.
The truth is, nice guys are not authentic. That's the underlying truth, and that lack of authenticity comes at a very high price. I myself in my own marriage did not understand that. So I was still following the model of being a nice guy. What's interesting is that when I was dating women before that, before my son was born, I was not a nice guy. I was very driven by my own needs and desires, which was a very authentic, um, approach to dating. It was only when the stakes went up and I was in a marriage that I felt like I needed to up my game. And so I took on the disguise of a nice guy. I mean, I dressed nice like a nice guy, you know? I I wore glasses, not because I needed them so much. I mean, I had a slight astigmatism, but they made me look more like a nice guy. You know, I had a nice guy job. You know, I did all the things in a relationship that a nice guy would do. I accommodated my wife at every every turn. You know, all of my decisions were based around making her happy, which is what a nice guy does. A nice guy puts her needs ahead of his own all the time.
Um, I remember that night after my daughter was born and I woke up to change her diaper and my, you know, wife at the time woke up and scolded me and told me that she was going to do it. That was her thing. Now, keep in mind, I had raised my son. I knew all about taking care of babies. I mean, I had way more experience than she did at that point. And she felt threatened by that. But I in that moment should have pushed back against her and explained myself in a rational, thoughtful way. But I didn't. I just sucked it up and I assumed that she would get over it and that she needed time to adapt to being a mother. And I made excuses for her in my head. And I didn't stand up for myself or express my opinion or my disagreement with the way she was approaching it. And that was the fatal moment that our marriage ended. Now, it didn't end for like another 20 years. Like, there was no divorce for another 20 years. But it was in that brief moment, those few seconds in the wee hours of the night, just a couple years into our relationship, into our marriage, on the night she got home from the hospital, that I should have recognized that I needed to stand up for myself and be authentic in that moment to be who I really was. Because if I had done it at that moment, I would have changed the trajectory of everyone's life. But I missed it because I was being a nice guy.
You see, nice guys are always seeking the approval of others. They don't recognize it like that, but that's really what's happening. When I think back to my own marriage, you know, rather than confronting her on issues that were important, I thought that if I could just make her happy, then I could win her approval and she would stay with me and we would have a happy marriage and we would have lots of sex and everything would be fine. And I've made other videos about unhappy, you know, unhappy women and why they want to get married. They're just not they don't want to get, um, they don't want to stay married because they they're just unhappy. Well, the truth of the matter is they're unhappy when you're constantly trying to accommodate them. So, you know, we had a big house, cars, nannies. Um, we lived in an upscale neighborhood. She had everything that a woman could want. And she and I have had conversations about this since our divorce. And she recognizes that she had the perfect life. I mean, she had the perfect life. But what she didn't have was an authentic husband. What she had was a man who was always trying to make her happy. And that was the demise of our marriage.
Nice guys hide their true feelings from the people they care about. They don't come clean with what they're really thinking behind the scenes. They do what I did. Like when my wife first started talking about how unhappy she was in our marriage, I doubled down on trying to make her happy. I tried to find more ways to accommodate her. And that was a huge, huge mistake. Nice guys have these covert contracts that they have in their heads. They think that if I do A, B, and C, you're going to return that with X, Y, and Z. So for me, it's like if I buy you a beautiful house in a nice neighborhood and make your life as easy as possible and financially support you and be your emotional, you know, whatever, then you're going to be a good wife. You're going to be happy. You're going to, um, be affectionate and you're going to be, um, accommodating and sexual to me in ways that I need. You're going to help meet my needs. And it makes sense. If you think from a logical perspective that if I'm doing all the things that you need that you in return will give me the things that I need, but it misses the overall picture that you're not dealing with the, um, incongruencies, you know, where things don't match up. You're not dealing with the conflict that underlies a lot of these needs that are being met. And because you're not dealing with it and there's no conflict, you're not able to work through the little details. So these problems tend to build over time and they create a resentment, and that resentment becomes this force, this energy that is just inside you. And I think she was doing the same thing. Quite frankly, I wasn't the only one being a nice guy. I think she was being a nice girl to a certain extent, 'cause she wasn't coming clean with what her feelings were about me. And eventually it just overwhelms you and it becomes way too much information to convey in a single or even in multiple conversations because it all just comes out as being so negative. So, um, I don't know, just just negative, and you just can't, you just can't have that conversation because it's built up too much. There's just too much to talk about and and then the relationship breaks.
Avoiding conflict is key to this whole mess. When things were going bad with my ex after my daughter was born, I retreated to the TV. I shut down. I had that sensation of, "Oh my god, I've made the biggest mistake of my life. I've married the wrong woman. This isn't the woman that was here two weeks ago. This is somebody completely different." And my little brain couldn't handle that, you know, and I was trying to make the decision about where do I go from here because I'm married to this woman and now we have a baby, we have a mortgage, we have a house, we have things that we need to do, we have responsibilities, and I had to do that, that, um, self-talk. And rather than dealing with the problems head-on, rather than having the uncomfortable conversations and opening that can of conflict, which is what needed to happen, I shut down. And in my head, I decided, I'm just going to find a way to make this work. Even though this isn't ideal, I'm going to do whatever is necessary to make this work. And I thought in my self-sacrifice, in my like I'm throwing myself on the altar, so to speak, that I was doing the right thing, that I was being the man here. I was manning up, if you will. Yeah, that wasn't it at all. Manning up would have been going upstairs, having a conversation with her and saying, "Look, we need to work this out because you're not the same woman that was here two weeks ago. I don't know who the you are, but you're going to have to go and bring her back because we got a family now and we need to figure this out." Now, I probably wouldn't have had the conversation just like that, but that's what the message I would have had to convey in a nice, you know, polite way, but we would need to have that conversation, and we never did. And because we never had that conversation, you know, I think that the inevitable divorce was just, you know, a matter of time. It was just a matter of how long we could both hang in there pretending to be happy.
So, if you're from my generation and you were raised by a nice guy, you're probably suffering some of the same consequences that I suffered. And you're probably thinking, "How do I break this habit of being a nice guy?" My divorce was instrumental in my finding what we call red pill content and, you know, taking that red pill. But it was way more than that. I mean, Red Pill gives you some insights into women, but really what it gave me, what I discovered was insights into myself. And the first thing I needed to do was take responsibility for my own happiness, for my own needs. And to express them, um, appropriately, but express them unapologetically. Like if you're with a woman and you, um, have some needs that you need met, like you want to have sex, for example, there is no reason to be, you know, wishy-washy about that. You just need to come straight forward in a respectful way and express that desire. Now, you can do that physically by being, you know, um, seductive, aggressive, you know, sexually in a, uh, you know, in a very desirable way. Um, or you can have a conversation about it. You know, if you're in a long-term relationship and your sex life is kind of getting boring, then you need to have that conversation. You know, you just can't pretend that it's not happening. You've got to own it. Because when you own something, you can change it. But if you never take ownership of it and you never get it out there in the open, then it's just going to fester like a wound and it's just going to eventually kill the relationship.
Number two, you're going to have to set boundaries and enforce them. Now, we don't always know what our boundaries are until we're faced with an issue that definitely makes us uncomfortable or crosses some line that we have in our mind and we have never expressed it. So, when someone does cross your boundary, when you discover a boundary, let's put it that way. When you discover a boundary that you have, you need to bring it up. You need to talk about it. You need to talk about the discomforts you're feeling about it and how you want this issue handled going forward. You cannot allow that, um, that sense of being in a submissive position or giving involuntarily to the relationship at the expense of your discomfort on a consistent basis because that builds the resentment. That's how it happened in my marriage. The resentment built because we never declared the boundaries. We never talked about when we were making each other uncomfortable with the way things were progressing with the communication style, with our behaviors, whatever it may be. We never had those tough conversations, and that is what condemned the marriage to failure.
You should not fear conflict. Conflict in a relationship is not like conflict between two guys in an arena. You know what I mean? We're not talking about UFC here. We're not talking about beating the snot out of her. We're not doing that. No, we're talking about just having a, uh, a rational, reasonable conversation. Now, when you're doing that with a woman, you know, it's going to get crazy. You know, she's going to get emotional. So, you just have to prepare yourself for it and don't feed into her emotions, but you still need to have that conversation. You still need to, um, address these issues. You can't constantly avoid conflict because you don't want to deal with the, um, theatrics, the emotion, the, uh, you know, the craziness and the chaos that they bring to a conversation because inevitably what will happen is they will get done. They'll spend it. It's like it's like a toddler. You know, if you've ever had a toddler and, um, they wanted something, you didn't give it to them. They throw the tantrum. They had this emotional outburst. Well, after about 5 or 10 minutes, maybe a little longer, the energy is spent. You know, it's like the the firework has gone off. It's blown, and now you're sort of left with this, um, more malleable little spirit that you can have a conversation with and you can rationalize with because the emotions have died down. You just have to ride the storm to get there. But it's possible. It is possible.
Obviously, you've got to stop seeking approval. It's external validation, any way you cut it. It's external validation. You know, if you're playing that game, you're really no different than some teenage girl watching Instagram trying to, you know, get as many likes on her on her post as possible. You're the same energy, just at a different stage in life. You're trying to get approval from another person. External validation is always a trap because what you're doing unknowingly is you're giving control to that other person or to that situation over your autonomy. You are literally turning your autonomy, your freethinking ability to choose for yourself, over to this other person or this situation, and their response or their reaction or how this situation turns out is going to dictate your behavior. How up is that? No, you don't want that. You do not want that in your life. So, you've got to be, um, self-validating, internally validating. You cannot seek approval from others.
And as long as we're on that topic, you've got to be authentic. Very similar, but it's a step further. You've got to come to terms with who you are as a man, your flaws and everything, and just own it. You know, this is who you are in this life. You can't pretend to be someone else. You've just got to be yourself. If you try to pretend to be someone that you're not, inevitably you're going to come across as a fraud eventually. So, just be yourself because you will be so much happier in the long run if you can just do that. And not only that, but people around you will enjoy your company more. Your women will like you more. Your friends will like you more. When you're just who you are, when you just own it, you're just comfortable in your own skin, good, bad, and otherwise. I mean, we all have flaws. We all have flaws. We all have problems. We all have character issues. Just own it. Just own it and be that and be the authentic guy that you know you can be. That's the best way to address a lot of these, um, underlying issues with being a nice guy or a s or blue pill.
Finally, you've got to find male relationships in your life. Now, whether that is through physical friendships that you have with guys that you know, old friends, you know, guys that you meet at the bar or whatever, um, or it's a mentorship kind of thing that you get from books or online resources, you know, find a way to expose yourself to masculine, I say energy, but masculine approaches to life as much as you can because in that true masculinity, not the faux masculinarity that you find in a lot of, you know, online influencers. But the real thing, when you find real guys who are really authentic and they're into themselves and they know who they are and they express it clearly and cleanly, you're going to find that you're going to see that in yourself. You're going to find it in yourself. But be authentic. Expose yourself to other guys. Find, uh, friends, find mentorship, read books. Um, bring the masculine perspective into your life as often as you can.
The divorce courts are filled with nice guys. Bad marriages inevitably include a nice guy. You do not want to be a nice guy. You want to be an authentic man. Nice guys always finish last. Nice guys always are sing. Nice guys are bluepilled. Don't allow yourself to fall into that trap, and it's easy to do. I saw my own father do it, and he's still doing it to this day. And God bless him, he is completely dominated by a woman to the point where he has not seen his grandchildren in over 15 years, 16, 17 years. He has not seen them because she did not want him to have contact with us. And my dad didn't have the balls to stand up and disagree with her on that topic. And ever since then, he has been a s. He has been bluepilled. He has been a nice guy. He's accommodated it. I called him out on his. Called him out cold, you know, and, um, so he knows exactly where he stands. At the end of the day, I don't think he's lived a fulfilling, happy life. I think that there's going to be a little asterisk, you know, as he thinks about this life on his deathbed, which is coming pretty soon, that he didn't do all the things that he should have done as a man. He didn't stand up for himself. He didn't stand up for his kids. He didn't stand up for his grandkids. That's what blue pill nice guy sing gets you. You miss the best parts of your own life because you're living it for someone else.
All right, you guys. That's all I got for you today. Let me know what you think in the comments. If you enjoyed the video, please like and subscribe. If you know someone who might benefit from hearing this information, please share it with them. I'll see you next time. Until then, stay healthy, and if you can, stay single.