Transcription
I've heard a lot of people's regrets because I'm a therapist, and I've been working with people for the last 10 years recovering from all sorts of relationships. Here's some of the ones that stand out the most.
One of the big regrets that I see, especially from people that are recovering from abusive relationships, is how much time was wasted or lost staying stuck to somebody that was no good for them. The joy that can come from having the space to breathe, to be their own person, to express themselves freely when they're not in a state of hypervigilance or overwhelm or panic—like, even peace—having your own space, being able to wear the clothes that you like, listen to the music that you like, eat the food that you like, not having to panic about somebody else's reaction or take responsibility for how they might behave—just simple pleasures in life that were lost because you were trapped in a dynamic that you shouldn't have been in.
Regrets like giving up their career, you know, to look after somebody else's needs, financing somebody else's career, somebody else's hobbies, somebody else's projects, because you thought this was love; you thought this was what you were supposed to do in a relationship. There are so many regrets that center around relationships and a lack of knowledge on safety, reciprocity, what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like. And a lot of times, people come out of unhealthy relationships, and they just want to be in their own, and they just want to connect back to themselves, find those parts of themselves that they lost. And then when they're able to reexperience that, there's so much joy that can come, but there's also so much grief for the time that was lost—the relationships, the friendships, the opportunities that they gave up, that younger version of themselves that had to go through that harm. There is so much regret that can be centered on that, but there's also so much room for things that can install joy—like, they can make the rest of their life the best, the rest of their life the best of their life. But that doesn't undo the pain that was caused, and I think that's something to be super discerning of when you're looking at a relationship or a potential partner: how are they going to add to your quality of life? Like, not just in a very selfish place, like what are they going to do for you, but it really should be following your cup. You really should feel like more of yourself; like your growth is not something that would threaten them; that you're not dimming or making yourself small to be able to accommodate the relationship. And the people that have been in those places will talk about that from a massive place of regret because they've seen the impact and the harm and the time that they wasted because they stayed in that relationship, because they stayed with that person that was never right for them. And that is a massive regret. Sometimes they lose time with friends, they lose time with family members, they miss out on big significant life events, career opportunities. You do not want to be losing certain rights of passages and experiences in your life over the head of being with the wrong partner; that's a non-negotiable.