Transcription
What if the biggest thing keeping you stuck isn't your circumstances, but the story you're telling yourself about them? Let's go meta for a moment because I've got a story about my stories.
When I was a teenager, soccer was my life. I had the shirt and everything. Before my freshman year of high school, I worked super hard to make the high school soccer team. More than 50 freshman tried out, and I was one of only four who made the cut. And I was so proud to be on the Sky View High School soccer team.
I worked really hard in practice, but I did not get much playing time. And my biggest struggle was with my teammates, especially Julie. Julie was a sophomore, and she and her 13 friends on the team really didn't like me. They made fun of me and made fun of my religion and called me names. And even worse, Julie was the JV coach's daughter.
Now you guys, I was pretty good at the game of soccer, but I was pretty clueless about playing the game of popularity. So, I did what I always did. I just withdrew, went quiet, tried to avoid attention.
Anyways, fall season ended and I made it onto a prestigious club team for the spring season. Our coaches had played semi-pro. We practiced in this super nice indoor facility and I was with these teammates who were much better than I was and they helped me develop my skills like how to bend the soccer ball. Pretty cool.
When Sky View Tryouts came up again in the fall, I thought for sure I'd make the team. So, I was really shocked when my name wasn't on the list for the last round of cuts. I felt completely crushed. I felt like my entire identity had been stripped away from me because the most important thing in the world to me was gone. And I remember like laying on my bed with my dog crying. And that like defeated feeling lasted for months, like months.
Anyway, at one point, maybe a month later, I walked past the varsity coach in the halls of the school and he pulled me aside and he said something along the lines of, "You're a good player. Just try out next year and you'll make the team." And without him explicitly saying it, I knew what he was saying was that Julie's mom, the JV coach, had made the decision to cut me, not him. And I just I felt so upset. Like it was so unfair. I was cut from the most important thing in my life because Julie and her mom did not like me. And I never tried out again for the high school team. And [clears throat] uh that's the story I carried for 25 years. When people don't like me, there's no point in trying. And uh guess what? Giving up when rejected became a pattern in my life until I worked to reverse the pattern.
So this past summer, more than two decades later, is that true? Am I that old? No. Yes, I am. I was thinking about Julie and her mom and the Sky View soccer team. And I was like driving down the road and I remember when this thought hit me. For the first time in 25 years, I saw that situation completely differently. And that's because 41-year-old Emma is much more resilient and tells different stories.
It had never before crossed my mind that the head varsity coach was telling the truth. Like, what if instead of seeing the situation as impossible, what if my story had been, hm, I can always try again. The worst thing they could say is no. What if I'd believed the coaches would be willing to guide me to the skills to be one of the best players on the team? Or heck, like, what if I'd made an effort to develop social skills and be more friendly or manage these situations better? Even if Julie's mom kept me off the roster again, I'd be a more courageous and more friendly person who could hold her head up high. But 16-year-old Emma told herself the victim story. I was cut from the team because Julie and her mom didn't like me. 41-year-old Emma believes a new story. I have a lot of influence on my results. I can learn new skills and figure out most problems.
Now, I know I'm not alone in this. Bad stories can keep you depressed, helpless, lonely, angry, or feeling like a victim like I did. On top of that, because of this strange bias we have in our brains, you have no idea that you're feeding these stories. We just believe them. And I'll tell you about that in a moment. Because once you can see it, once you can see your stories, you can't unsee it.
Now, you might be saying, "But Emma, the truth is the system is rigged. You could have tried everything in your power to make the team and still if the JV coach didn't like you, you wouldn't have made it." Is that true? Like, was I the victim of prejudice? Or should I have tried harder? That's actually the wrong question. We often get stuck trying to figure out which story is true when we should be asking which story is helpful or as Deb Dana says which story is resourcing and which one is de-resourcing. Which story would make me healthier, happier and more connected. Which story gives me more energy and more options.
Now I want to help you identify the hidden thinking your stories that keep you stuck. Learning to see and label your stories can change your life. It can free you from old patterns. [music] It can heal your trauma. It can help you be less emotionally reactive. So, let's jump in. Okay.
Two people can see the same facts completely differently depending on the story they tell. Here's a few quick examples that show how our stories shape our view of the world around us. Two neighbors step outside at the same moment into pouring rain. Person A, uggh, this always happens. The universe is against me. Person B, free watering for the garden and I get to wear my favorite jacket today.
A woman texts her friend. Hey, can we talk later? Then hours go by with no reply. Story A, she must be mad at me. I must have said something wrong. Story B, she's probably busy. She'll text when she can. Now, we never know the real story, but we react as if we do. We make all these assumptions. I actually do not know whether Julie's mom influenced me getting cut or not, but I reacted with a belief that it was hopeless and helpless.
Our story directly impacts our emotions. Let me give you another example. A supervisor asks you to rework a section on a project. Interpretation A, I failed. They think I'm incompetent. Interpretation B. This is feedback because they trust me with important work. Same words, different identity story. I'm worthless. I'm growing.
Okay. You're driving down the road, someone swerves in front of you in traffic. Interpretation A, what a jerk. Nobody cares about anybody anymore. Interpretation B, maybe they're rushing to the hospital. Or even, "Wow, I feel bad for them. They must feel so stressed all the time." We don't react to events. We react to our story about the events. Our emotional reaction is all about the story we're telling. And this fuels our emotions for good or ill. And it determines the quality of our lives.
People who struggle with emotional regulation tend to let one or more of these hidden stories run their lives. I'm broken, bad, deficient, disordered. Everyone will always mistreat me. The world is bad, dark, and unfair. Nothing will ever work out for me. I'm special. It's never my fault. This always happens to me. No one will love me. Depression makes me sad. Anxiety makes me avoid things. These stories are infused in our culture. We may have even heard our parents pass down the victim story or model an empowered story since before we could speak. Because of these, our stories just feel like reality. They feel like truth. It's like a fish swimming and saying, "What's water? This is just how it is."
Now, here's the thing. Until we're aware of our stories and we choose the ones we want, we use them in two ways that actually makes our stories stronger. There's this weird thing our brain does with them. The first thing we do is confirmation bias. Now, I guarantee you there are going to be dozens of comments on this video saying, "But my story is accurate, Emma. The world does suck. Everyone hates me. I am broken. My depression does make me feel this way. I have been a victim my entire life." We have a natural resistance to challenging our stories and a natural bias to confirming our stories. And this is called confirmation bias. You should check out this video by Veritassium, Veritisium, I don't know how to say their name. Long story short, confirmation bias means that we look for opportunities to prove our story right instead of looking for exceptions to the story. And this makes us constantly believe that our story is right.
Now, when I thought that I'd been cut because Julie and her mom didn't like me, and then the coach pulled me aside and told me I was a good player, instead of thinking, "Ooh, I could make it next year." I thought, "See, life is so unfair." That's how I interpreted it.
The other thing we do with our stories is that we shape our life around them. Our stories don't just impact our feelings, they also bias how we process and remember situations. So, if your story is everyone's a terrible driver, then you'll be much more likely to notice and remember the bad drivers and ignore all the good drivers on your commute. Like, when's the last time you went out of your way to notice all the people driving nicely? You didn't. I promise.
I recently heard someone say, "I have a theory. Even numbered years are always good and odd years are bad." Now, the story colors her perception and memory. So, guess what happens when in an odd year, a bad year, when her car breaks down. She thinks, "See, I told you odd years are the worst." She confirms her story and she feels discouraged, angry, and victimized. But in an even year, a good year, if her car breaks down, she might think, "Oh, well, it's not so bad. I'm sure we'll figure it out. It's going to be a good year." Right? She shapes her entire experience around her story. And as long as it's an even year, she'll feel resilient and optimistic in the face of challenges.
Now, I told you that our stories change our memory. Here's something I conveniently left out when I told you the soccer story. I was the worst player on that club team. [laughter] For years, I conveniently minimized that detail because it didn't fit my victim story. It's actually really, really common to truly forget, actually forget details from our past that don't go along with our stories about situations.
Our stories don't just shape how we think and feel, but they also shape how we act, and that impacts our outcomes, and that reinforces our stories a lot of times. So, in other words, our stories actually come true. We create our reality with our stories. So if your story is my depression makes me feel this way, then you're more likely to act helpless, withdraw, and feel more depressed. Your depression story fuels your depression. If your story is, I'm different from everyone and no one likes me, you're more likely to avoid social interactions and therefore have less friends and you'll confirm your story. You'll create that reality. See, no one likes me. On the other hand, if your story is, I'm charming and people like to be around me, you'll probably make other people feel good. Show real interest in their lives and as a result they'll want to be around you. But if your story is everyone will mistreat me, you'll probably be quick to act guarded, defensive, and angry around people. Essentially, you'll invite other people to mistreat you.
It's not that these stories aren't true some of the time. The problem with stories is that we assume they're true all of the time. Believing I'm a victim once isn't a life-ruining pattern, like it it has happened. And I'm sure I've been victimized in my life, but constantly seeing myself as a victim in most situations will definitely impact my life. If I in a hundred situations where things go poorly, think, "Oh, I'm a victim. Everyone's out to get me." Then most likely my outcomes will be much worse than if in a hundred situations I think, "Huh, I can influence the outcomes of my life by working hard, learning new skills, and being intentional about how I choose to act. I'm much more likely in a 100 situations to have a more positive outcome over the course of my life."
So, this brings us to a question and a choice that can change your life if you'll let it. What kind of stories do you want to tell? If you want to be less reactive, if you want to have greater intentionality and regulation of your emotions, you have to be willing to question your stories. You don't even have to challenge them or replace them. You don't have to fix them. You just have to be willing to see them for what they are. Are stories and then you just decide is this story helpful for me. Therapy is a great place to do this work. But if all you have is this video first, thank you for being here and here's four steps that will help give you power and choice with your stories.
Okay, skill number one, find your stories. I made a worksheet for you. So write about the last time you got upset. Some good places to look for this are driving, relationships, interacting with people in general. These are great opportunities to observe your stories. So, what happened? Write down the facts only. I got cut from the soccer team. Okay. Now, ask why do you think this happened? My old story was Julie's mom didn't like me. Here's another example. What happened? I was driving and I got cut off on the freeway. Why did it happen? Because people are inconsiderate jerks. Okay, what's the story here? I'm the victim of other people's jerkiness. I'm sure it had nothing to do with my skills as a soccer player or the fact that I don't use my turn signals. Okay, guys, I actually do use my turn signals. I'm just giving an example here.
When you're on the lookout for your stories, keep this in mind, right? Unhelpful stories are usually phrased as all or nothing and they feel like just the way things are. And these stories show up over and over again in multiple situations. So, to find our stories, it can be helpful to repeat this exercise with like five or more upsetting situations. And if you want to use this worksheet, I'm going to put a link in the description. So, do you see a pattern? People are just jerks. I'm such a failure. I'm too anxious to do the right thing. I have to be nice or else I'm a bad person. You just look for these patterns in your beliefs of why things are happening.
Now, confirmation bias means that you're going to default to believing that your story is true. Give yourself a little space to question that. What might be other reasons for what happened? And this is a brainstorming session, so you could put out some ridiculous things. Oh, the person cut me off cuz they're driving to the hospital. The person cut me off cuz they're looking at their phone. The person cut me off cuz they're an immigrant and they have no idea how to drive in America. The person cut me off cuz their dad never taught them how to drive. Look for exceptions to your story. Look for creative, different explanations than what you're used to. My story about Sky View Soccer was I got cut because Julie and her mom didn't like me. But the truth is, I have no idea why I got cut. I didn't ask. I just assumed. And I don't know my coach's reasons. In my 40s, I realized that the story I'd been telling was I'm the victim. And my belief was if I've been rejected, I'll never try again. That's just not the story I tell anymore.
Okay, so the second skill is to label your stories. I find it really helpful to think of my mind as a word machine. It cranks out a bunch of thoughts and stories, but just because I think something doesn't mean it's true. So, if an assumption pops into my head, like I lost my keys, my assumption might be my roommate must have stolen my keys. But I know from experience that I also lose my keys a lot. I can think, ooh, there's that victim story again. And then the second skill is to thank your brain for that thought. Thank you brain for trying to protect me with that story, but I'm not sure if it's true. If you get rejected again and you think, I'm such a loser. No one will ever love me. You can catch yourself and say, "Oh, there's that I'm broken story again. Thank you, brain, for popping that one out." Look for your most common stories. Name them and remind yourself that just because you think it doesn't mean that it's true.
All right. Number three. Once you've identified and labeled your stories, ask yourself these questions. Does this belief help me be the kind of person I want to be? Does this story give me more options and resources or less? Believing you're the victim could help you advocate or be part of a group or understand reasoning behind why things are so hard for you. But believing you're a victim can also make it harder for you to feel like an agent in your own life. So you have to choose like is this story actually giving me options and resources or less? Does it make you feel more calm or more reactive? If I repeat this assumption and this behavior over and over again, will it take me where I want to go? Does quitting trying out take me where I want to go in life?
Now, if you're not sure, you could try a little experiment. If you acted in a way to live out your alternative belief, your positive belief, what happens if you treat others like they're kind and they're going to like you, what happens if you believe that you're worthwhile and only dated people who treat you that way? What's the outcome? Run some tests. Run some experiments. This is how we really experiment with our stories and come to better flexibility around them.
Okay, skill number four, replace your stories with something more helpful. The reason this is so powerful is that when we label our stories as stories, it creates space for us to notice other stories as helpful replacements. So, for example, you might think like, it's not my job to change other people. I'm going to focus on what I can change. Or you might think some people care about me or I'm resilient. I can do hard things. Or the world is full of opportunities. Or all of these experiences are an opportunity to grow and learn. Or good things can happen when I work hard.
Now, in the end, you get to choose your stories. When we become aware of the stories we tell, it frees us to choose what to believe and act on. When you can label your story, you can kind of hold it at arm's length and then actually decide if this story is helping you. And if not, you can experiment with other stories. Sometimes these stories are really hard to pick apart. There are legitimate sources of bias and disempowerment in our lives. I'm not saying there aren't. The question is, what will our stories be? And how will we let them shape our lives? Because when you call out your stories and you replace them, you're going to be more free to choose helpful action and live the life that you dream of.
All right. Thank you so much for being here. I do want to tell you guys after I never tried out for Sky View again, I did play for a wreck team and I had a blast. It was a lot of fun. I did break my sternum, but um and my like other parts of my body, my tailbone, my wrist, but it was real fun. I really enjoyed playing soccer later on in life. I hope you all can choose really helpful stories for yourself. Thanks for being [music] here. Take care.