Transcription
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Let's all take this opportunity to tuck in our ties. Our next guest has performed at clubs all over Canada and the United States, including The Improv in Los Angeles, and also Catch a Rising Star and Stand Up New York Pier in Manhattan. And now, making his network television debut, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Norm Macdonald!
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Wow, thanks. Good to be here. I've been traveling around, watching a lot of the TV, you know. And you see these new sports on TV where they try to combine two sports together and make up a new sport. Your lady Gaea, we run a 100-yard dash and then fish. Do I love the TV? I was at a cat food commercial. I said, "The enemy said, 'All-natural food for your cat.'" All-natural food, yeah. But cat food's made out of horse meat. Yeah, that's the way it works in nature. The cat's right above the horse in the food chain. Matter of fact, every time my kitty gets a little cooped up in the apartment, I let it take him down a racetrack. Let him stalk some prey down there. So cute. He comes trotting back with a stallion hanging out of his mouth there, you know. Good.
I love the TV, you know. Anything, you know. The only thing I don't like, you ever see it when there's a celebrity that you really respect and admire, and then he shows up in some cheap TV show? You know, last week I was watching the Hollywood Squares, and a secret square, J.D. Salinger. Well, I like games. Oh, that's my favorite thing, you know. Big prizes and everything. Ever see the Dating Game? Here's Asha. That's a weird show. They're the prize on that show, another contestant. Talk about cheap. I know. Let's do the same thing in that show. They get a beautiful girl, match her up with three giant dorks. Last week, they had a guy. I was a crazy guy, loony bin, psycho, wing nut. Do you tell by the way they introduced the guy? Bachelor number two is a shadowy, lurking character whose hobbies include skulking. Please welcome for no fixed address. He's just a guy. Menacing figure shambles into the studio there, you know. Then they make the girl. That's those questions, you know, laced with sexual innuendo. Yeah. Girl goes, "That's your number two." "If I were a popsicle, what would you do?" "To be there to burn a popsicle? That's what's in the card here." "Hey guys." "Well, if you're a popsicle, huh?" "Well, first of all, I guess I'd take your wrapper off, if you know what I mean. Then I'd grab a hold of your stick, if you know what I mean. Then I'd press you against the counter." "Do you broken too? We're happy in the freezer to later." I understand what I'm getting at. It's crazy.
But a lot of violence on TV, you know. Kids aren't supposed to watch violence now on TV. They're afraid maybe the kids will copy what they see on the screen. You know, I can't even get a funny cartoon anymore because some twelve-year-old watched a particularly violent episode of the Roadrunner-Coyote show, and the next day they found him at the bottom of the canyon with two giant springs strapped to his feet, a couple of springs, a little umbrellas, hand signs. It yanks. But it's violence everywhere, you know. I was reading the paper. This guy, didn't believe this. A guy killed his family because the devil told him to. Do you believe that? Imagine that. Killing your family and then you go back to, "Woah, devil, I did as you instructed. I killed my family and I chopped them up and put them in a duffel bag. Here they are. I'll be burying them tonight at the shallow grave by the side of the railroad track, as you have commanded." "Oh, Lord, host of the hoary netherworld." Then the devil pulls off the mask. "It's me, Bob!"
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You got me, Bob. You gotta be there. I got my family. The duffel bag over here. That's my beer there, by this.
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So I had this dream today. You ever have a dream and then you wake up right in the middle of the great dream, and then you're back in your stinking life again? So then you try to fall asleep, re-dream it. Man, it never works. Always end up with some weird mutation of your original dream. There, like in the first dream, I was in a pool with Christie Brinkley and we were swimming toward each other. And then I woke up. So I fell asleep again. I end up shooting pool with David Brinkley.
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You. Our next guest made his television debut on our program last year, and from tomorrow through Sunday, you can see this man working on stage at the Comedy Zone in Charlotte, North Carolina. Ladies and gentlemen, here is a very funny man, Norm Macdonald.
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Thank you. It's good to be here. I'm trying to become a better person now. Try to do that. That's... I gave some money to a homeless guy there on the street today. And this is kind of odd. He had a dog with him. See this homeless guy, he's got a dog. He didn't have a home, you know. He's got a dog. And you know, the dog's thrilled with this deal. You know, I was like, "Hey, pal, I can do this by myself pretty well." You know, like they're the longest walk in the world for a dog. You know, I'm trying to become a better person. Try not to lie as much as I used to. You know, I... you know, I never lie for no reason. You know, usually there's a purpose to your lies. But sometimes, you know, just a big lie spills out of your evil head. Day. You don't even know why. You know, like, "God, come out to go, 'Hey, you ever see that movie with Meryl Streep and the horse?'" Then you go, "Yes." "In the backyard, you oughta help my liner." But over here, I stand to gain nothing by this lie. The hell am I thinking back here in my head? But I'm doing the best I can. They're trying to quit smoking, you know. That's a tough thing, boy. Hey, I smell here. Once I was a kid, you know, I was... remember, remember once I was a little kid, I was about nine years old, and I was sneaking a cigarette behind my garage. And my dad caught me. I'll never forget it. He hauled me in by that was in for the strapping of my life. You know what it is? He pulled out his big cigar, must have been half the size of my arm, his giant cigar, stuck it in my mouth, and made me smoke it all the way through, right to the end. And that's why Sarah's talking cigars. Real heavy plan backfired on him.
But my doctor, he's trying to talk me out of smoking. Show me a picture of a smoker's lung. Oh, it was gross and disgusting. And he showed me pictures of a healthy guy's lung. Hello. It was gross and disgusting. Wow. Wow. So it turns out lungs are gross and disgusting, and that's why we put them on the inside, not to look at them, but I'm under your jacket there. So it's assumed. But I'm trying to get in shape, you know, work out and stuff like that. You know, I'm not in good shape. I used to be in good shape when I was young, you know. That's how I look good. How's my peak physical condition back when I was one? That's a night. Look good, man. I can show you pictures of me when I was one. You wouldn't know me now. You know, I got it. I even look good for my age. People come out to go, "Away, you zero?" I go, "Now, I'm one." There you go, man. Or like a day pass, zero. I'm not getting you. Like zero to me. Well, I'm one. But I gotta start working out, you know. I haven't worked out for forever. I never worked out, but I gotta start, you know, 'cause I liked watching guys, you know, bodybuilding contests. I said, "His bodybuilding competition the other day, the Mr. World competition." You know, so the guy wins it, he's the best in the world, he's Mr. World, man. They say, "Don't miss next month, the Mr. Universe contest." I know about you guys, but I'm putting my money on Mr. World on this one. Yeah, I figure he's a shoo-in with his home planet advantage. But I don't know. You see a lot of them sports on TV. No, it's not cliff diving. There's a weird sport, huh? Guy diving off a cliff, you know. And tonight's prey. There's no way of telling who's a better cliff diver. Yeah, like if you survive it. Ah, you know, you're a great cliff diver. There's only two categories in cliff diving, guys. Tell me that. There's a grand champion and then stuff on a rock.
[Laughter]
Experts. They make a comeback. And I'll tell you right now. Hey, you guys have been great. Thanks a lot.
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Okay, Norm. Nice job. Very funny. Thank you, sir. And whatever you do, don't touch the microphone. Yeah. My thanks to Neil Patrick Harris, as well. And of course, Art Donovan. We'll see you folks tomorrow night. Good night, everybody.
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You. You know, I've been doing this for about 12 years, and that's the first time a guest has slapped me. Ya know, Richard Simmons, right? How about that? Wasn't on the show. Well, our next guest this evening made his network television debut with us on our old show. Now he is in his first year as a featured performer on Saturday Night Live. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the very funny Norm Macdonald.
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Thanks. Good to be here. I feel a little gross today. You know, I had... I had someone having fish sticks. You ever heard of them? And they don't tell you on a package how many you're supposed to eat. So I had 40 down. Kind of grosses me up, man. I had a good holiday. There are a lot of Christmas presents, you know, a lot of good stuff there. You know, a lot of bad gifts too. One guy gave me a lottery ticket. "You're good as again, man. That stinks." And what the hell is that guy thinking? "Give me that." "Yeah, here you go. Nothing. Merry Christmas. Nothing." Yeah. Malaysian winds and sun. But let's face it, you know, a guy gives you a lottery ticket, you know, you don't want to win. That's the last thing he wants there. You know, is it a nightmare? That'd be... you know, imagine. "Hey, you know, you get a call a week after Christmas." "Sir?" "Hey, there. What?" "Seven." "Yeah, I remember that. Take it. I give you 14 million bucks." "Huh? Ha ha ha. Listen there. Where'd you get me again? I can't remember, right?" "I know I got you the 14 million bucks, but yeah, I can't remember now." "He has a cup." "Yes, I am enjoying it. Sure. I had a coffee out of the dare. It's a tea, you know. Novella, maybe Superman, the world's greatest fisherman. He sat on it. Did it. So I'm a big smiling fish on him. Listen, Bill, I guess no chance that cup skyrocketing in value in the next couple days, huh?" "All right, I gotta go now, Bill. I gotta go rip my throat out with a screwdriver." That's a very good holiday there, man. I had a lot of fun, you know. And watched a lot of TV, you know. I enjoy watching that. I watch Beavis and Butthead. You like that show? I like Beavis, but I especially like the Butthead and Star Search. That's my favorite show, you know. Especially the junior dance category. That's my favorite. Yeah. And Ed McMahon always introduces them there, you know. "Hot property. We're dancin' too cute for you." And you don't even see junior dancers anywhere else, you know. That's the only show that you ever see them, though. Yeah. You know, it's never like, you go, "Hey, honey, what do you want to do tonight? Maybe catch a movie? Get a beer?" "As I'm down to Barra, hey, I know what about that new club down there where they got got the six-year-old dancing? Maybe we could enter down." "I understand. Hot Property is gonna be there tonight." Yeah. I've never seen him live. I'd only seen her on TV. But I love stars. They always name their groups like that in Star Search, too. "Hot Property" and "The Next Big Thing" and stuff like that, you know, as if that helps. You know. So I was like, "Eh." "Now, this next band has been kicking around the Boca Raton area for the last 16 years. Now, America, say hello to Overnight Success."
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The house looks bad when they lose. You know, Zoe's not a tough decision for the judges. Our challengers, Overnight Success, received one and a quarter stars. And where do they get the judges on that show? Do you see the judges on Star Search? You know, they always can I got those lame credentials there, you know, kind of suspicious. You know, "Now it's time to meet our judges. The president of Tri-Media Artists. He represents such stars as Meadowlark Lemon."
[Applause] [Music] "Normal Butters."
[Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] "Serhat Property."
So I'm very funny. Thanks. Good to have you with us. And please come back any time. It's great fun. Very, very funny stuff. My thanks to Terry Bradshaw and the hunky Jason Priestley. We'll see you tomorrow night, folks. Thank you very much for watching. Get out, everybody.
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Our next guest is currently in the number one motion picture in the country called Billy Madison. He is also on Weekend Update on Saturday Night Live. Ladies and gentlemen, here is Norm Macdonald.
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Thank you. Well, I'm feeling good. I a little tired. And I started working out today. I've been kind of putting it off, but I try and get in shape, you know. I'm not in good shape. And I used to be back when I was young, you know. That's when I said, "Oh my God." Oh, back then. Oh my God. How's you? My peak physical condition back when I was like it was like one. That's not look good. Should see me back then. Holy God. You wouldn't know me now if you see me back when I was one. I even look good for my age. People come and go, "Who are you?" "Zero." What? "I go, no, I'm one." Then I go, "Man, you know, like a day pass." "Zero." I'm not kidding you there. Okay. Well, thanks. But no, I won. So, uh, I tell you, you know, man, try to be a better person, you know. I'm trying not to lie as much as I used to. You say, "Hi" all the time for some reason. And you know, now I try not to. You know, because, you know, sometimes there's a reason for your lies, you know, like you want to protect somebody's feelings or, you know, screw over your buddy Larry or something might happen. Jimmer is live for no reason at all, folks. You know, just all of a sudden, a big lie will spill out of your evil head there, okay? You know, I, you know, like, you know, gal come up, go, "Hey, you ever see that movie with Meryl Streep and the horse there?" You go, "Yes." "Ready back?" "Ready?" "What the hell am I lying about over here? Standing ain't nothin' to weigh." Oh, my thinking back here in my head. But I'm having a good time. About a dog the other day, man. I'll tell you. Go to this dog store. These things are expensive, honey. These dogs. Can you believe it? I had no idea. Guy tries to sell me his duck. $600. You know, pit bull, you know, $600 duck. And you know, I don't want to buy a big $600. I was looking to pay, you know, a buck, somebody two bucks. I don't know. My ceiling was two bucks. And this guy's talking $600. So the guy says, "You want advice? This is a pit bull. This will protect your valuables." You know, I don't have a lot of valuable things there, folks. Or on a lie, you know, I mean, I'd buy a pit bull. That would be the most valuable thing. All right, I'd have to buy something to protect it. You know, I may be out shopping for Wolverines. You know, they found the Wolverines star the next day. That one a kid. Well, that's a crazy dog, man. That just rip your throat out. That dog. You know, we don't want a dog like that. I don't even know where that dog came from. Me. When I was a kid, there weren't any pit bulls. And then how the hell is that a Venetian talk show up like that? But I don't. Why I never buy a dog. I always when I'm buying my dogs, you know, I always think to myself, I go, "Hey, this dog were to go berserk, you know, would I be able to take him?" You know, I think I got one. Wiener dogs, you know. That's a nice guy. I get like a beat the hell out of him. Want to brag, but you know, I don't have any problem with that. 'Cause a wiener dog could never like jump up and rip your throat out. That can't happen. You know, you'd have to be lying down. That would be the only way he could have a chance. You know, you'd have to be sleeping. But you're lying down and sleep, and then maybe the wiener dog sneak up late nights there's nibbling your throat out there, you know. You know, maybe buddy daybreak. He's fine. He's got a hold of a vein. He's going out of, man. Are you wake up? God, gave me a wiener dad. What the hell are you doing there? What do you think you're a pit bull or something? There's nothing but a wiener dog. That's how you ever will be at the diner. But no, I love my wiener dog. The worst thing can give you, maybe you got a hickey. That's about all you can get. You know, that's embarrassing, folks. You ever have a hickey? Oh, my lord. Huh? We're walking out a street here. You got an embarrassing Hickey. You gotta try to. And then people see you in a street, you know, they go, "Hey, you got a wiener dagger there." But I don't know. I love my dog. I buy him. So you ever buy a gift for your dog? Feel like a jackass? No. You're going out. Buy now. I gotta win bones. Huh? Do you want like one rubber bones? You know, I thought that's a good gift for a dog, you know. And I give it to my dog and it dies. Like, "Oh, great. It's a bone. Oh, yeah. It's not a million laughs. That's a good one." That I'm not a bone at all. My grandmother, she's not excited. I got a wiener dog. She's 70. She knitted him a sweater. That's the cat out. You know, I feel sorry for you. Knit knits dog is a sweater. But she sent me a sweater and I don't want it. I don't want to make the dog wear. You know, it's a humiliating for the dog, you know, wear a sweater. It's ridiculous, you know. And then I figure, what happens like the dog gets lost? You know, he's wearing a sweater. What the hell? That's gonna be ten here in New York. You know, names mean streets. If you're a, you know, wiener dog in a cardigan, they don't. Hey, thanks a lot, folks. You. You.
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Our next guest is a very funny person. He is the anchor of The Weekend Update on the very popular television program Saturday Night Live. Do me a favor, folks. Please welcome him back to the program. Here is Norm Macdonald.
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You know, up in the office earlier this afternoon, we were looking at some videotape of your work on Weekend Update. Very, very funny. You do a great job. Very amusing stuff. Thanks. How did you get your start? I know you personally was a stand-up comedian, but how did that begin? Well, I was in Canada, you know. And then, yeah. And so we don't do much show business in Canada. And then they called me from the States to do the show, you know, Star Search. Star Search, yeah. And hitman, the stars overhead. And so there was the International Star Service. There's a special Star Circle. So you're Canadian? Yeah, right. So I was in that. And then I lost. It was horrible. I always got the lowest score. Like, I ever really. Yeah. I was up against guys that were much more international. Like, there was one guy, he was from Africa, and he had like a big robe and a hat. And then another guy from Australia, and he had a hat. Jagang, a little time. Yeah, you needed the hat. Sure. So, and my stuff wasn't funny. I didn't have all that, you know, all the hats in the world won't help that. I went on. It was really humiliating. I'm sorry. And nobody laughed. Even Ed didn't laugh. That I knew I was doing bad. Ed McMahon wasn't laughing. And that's what he does for a living, out more or less. Sure. He was taking some time off. He was just glaring at me there. But he was a good guy. Always makes a dramatic rise to make a dramatic, yeah. You know, big moment, yeah. Even if it's, you know, everybody knew I was gonna lose. But you have to go out with the other guy. And with the guys with the hats. And I knew I was gonna lose. And then, how, you know, he goes, "Like another tough decision for the judges."
[Laughter]
That was the only time I heard laughter. We said, "All right." Yeah. Canadian champion. No, I'm Macdonald receives three-quarters of a star. That's not good. It's not good at all. I figured that later that we got three courses, sir. Three guys had to give me one star, and then one guy gave me none.
[Laughter]
Well, you persevered and succeeded in spite of that. One of the nice things when you do a weekly variety show like Saturday Night Live, and you have a different guest host each week, you get to meet a lot of really exciting, famous show business luminaries. I don't know a lot of them, you know. They're there. They're like famous. Like they're kind of famous. Like hot guy. The guys that are here. Yeah. Hot. Yeah. At the time. And I don't follow it that much. And I don't know, unless it's like, "The Fonz," or something. I don't know. That everybody around the office is excited, abuzz. Yeah. "Oh, hey, Norman, you wouldn't believe who's here this week. You're not gonna believe it." And then I go, "Was it the Fonz?" They go, "No, it's that girl, yeah, Courtney Johnson from the LA Detective Story show." You know, I go, "Here he is. Good."
[Laughter]
But you can't. You gotta be nice. Like Yuri, after they, because they're guests in your home. So I gotta meet with them. And I just pretend I had four to go. You know, I pretend. So, no, you know, I go, "Hey, you're good on the show. You're my favorite with the gun." You know.
[Laughter]
Well, again, you do a nice job. I hope you have a nice summer. Have plans for the summer? I'm gonna hang out with my wife and kids. Oh, that'll be good. Yeah, that sounds like a lot of fun. Norm, thanks for being here tonight. Thanks. I'm a great holiday weekend. Good to see you.
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Welcome back to the big broadcast. Ladies and gentlemen, I want to tell you that Mia Farrow is something. Very, very appealing about her. She's a great, fine actress. And you think about the life that she's led. It's an amazing story, don't you think? Yeah. Yeah. I like. I'm very fond of riffing. Yeah. A very nice woman. Lives in Connecticut. You know, I live in Connecticut. You do? Yeah. Oh, yeah. You live near her? Huh? Do I live near her? I don't know. She wouldn't say. Did you notice she kept that vague? Kind of issues. Oh, yeah. In Connecticut. And then she says, "You live up there too?" Yeah. You know, like, "Maybe one day we'll bump into each other." "Exit 40 on I-95." Well, look, there's Mia Farrow and 18 kids. You know, ladies and gentlemen, I don't need to tell you that our next guest is the very funny anchorman of the Weekend Update on the wildly successful and popular television program Saturday Night Live. What is that show on call? That's a Saturday night. Saturday night. It is. Yeah. When do they film the show? Do you know? Film it. They don't like it. It's live. It's live. Yeah. They do it on Saturday night. Saturday Night Live. So we're seeing it as they're doing it. It's live on Saturday night. I'll be damned. Ladies and gentlemen, how about a nice welcome for Mr. Norm Macdonald?
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Hey, nice to see you. You know, I think the world of your work. I think you're a very, very funny man. And I, and I like the little Weekend Update thing you do. Yeah. Anyway, they involve you in the, what are they call those skits? Get behind of skits. Do you like being in the skits? I had. Yeah. Whenever they need a guy to answer a door or something. Yeah. Well, you're damn good at it. Don't sell yourself short. And you get to be kind of a, like a celebrity, like a big deal, aren't you? Yeah. I kind of marginally. I was. I did a celebrity golf tournament. Is it fun? It's all right. You know what? It didn't work out very well. Why not? Well, the thing is, the idea is you go and there's three regular guys and then there's the celebrity. Yeah. You know, so it'd be like a guy from the Rotary Club, a guy from the bank, a guy from the Kiwanis Club, and you bring a foursome. And so I showed that there and there was three guys there. Might see times like 10, 15. And so one of the guys, he says, "We were just out standing there." And the guy says to me, says, "Hey, I wonder who our celebrity is."
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You know, it's hard to identify yourself. Yeah. And so I said it was me. And we got that spent the whole, like, first nine holes trying to explain who I was. Yeah. And plus, they were there. They were like celebrity spotting. They were like envious of all the others. So then I was like, "Hey, Scully Mitchell, look at that over there. You know, there's Chachi." I was even doing it. Kind of a thrill for you as well. And plus, it doesn't help that I'm no good at golf. I stink at golf. I'm very good. You know, not only, you know, I've been in the woods all the time trying to find my bond there on the fairway. Going, "Hey, where the hell is that guy?" "We don't know who he is." Now, when you go out, generally, I would guess, though, the people usually know who we are when you're walking around New York City, especially. You get recognized all that a little bit. Sometimes that, like a lot of times, they get like, "Hey, yeah, you're that guy from Saturday Night Live." And I go, "Yeah, yeah, yeah." And then think, "That show sucks. It's not good."
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Sounds like. 'Cause I'm not, you know, I'm not famous. But one guy will recognize me and everybody else won't. So just make a big, "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." And then everyone looks at me. Wet. But I want to get famous. You know, that's my big goal. Really nervous enough so that I can't walk down the street. Right. Like you. You know, where your life is your life is the hell. But I want. I'd like to get famous enough so that if I had, you know, if I ever had like kid problems of my liver or something, I could get another one quick.
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How is your liver? Everything all right there? Everything. But if I get famous enough, I'm gonna hit the booze. Yeah. And it's nice to know that you have that. It's kind of an insurance policy. But you. I know you, in addition to the television work, you've done films. You've worked in movies. You've been in a couple of films, haven't you? One. Yeah. Yeah. Do you like that kind of work? Yeah. I'm not a good actor. But it was. I was called Billy Madison. Was my buddy Adam Sandler. I remember the film because I had nothing to do. That's needed a guy to answer the door, right? Yeah. So it was a lot of fun. But it was in the heat. And at one point, I passed out. No. Yeah. I was like, I was supposed to be lying on a lawn chair. That was my big thing. They tell you, "Do something funny." And so I was lying on a lawn chair. And all of a sudden, it was like so hot out. I got, like, later they told me, like, censor. And I passed out. You're out. And then they chucked a bunch of ice on me. And I woke up. And they were very concerned because, I guess, if a guy dies on a movie, it's not good. No. No. Especially a guy that they didn't even like. Puts a real damper on those ticket sales. Yeah. So you're all right, though. It's. It wasn't. You know, you're Canadian, right? Yeah. I'm from Canada. Yeah. Where about in Canada? Quebec City. Quebec City. Yeah. Yeah. Now, are they are they removing themselves from the rest of the province in the country? Yeah. They're gonna be leaving. They really? Yeah. Did that vote go through? Wasn't that a referendum or something in Canada? Yeah. Well, they're French. Yeah. I understand. So we don't really care. Oh, you don't care. Let's do. Let's you and me, right after the show, get ourselves cleaned up real nice, and we'll go out to dinner with Mia Farrow. Oh, man. She is the most. And a fine actress. Have you seen her act recently? You know what? I saw was Alice. I love to have us. Yeah. God, that was a great movie.
[Laughter]
All right, Norm. Let's see. Is the show? You're doing a show this weekend. Yeah. Burns. Yeah. Gabriel Byrne. He. He's gravis. He's got a liver like that. There you go. Norm Macdonald, ladies and gentlemen. We'll be right back.
[Music]
We got to do another commercial, and we'll continue here with George Clooney. Come on back.
[Applause]
I'm thankful 'cause there's a new word in the English language, and this year I get to OJ the turkey. I'm thankful for my wonderful new baby boy, who was a pure joy, and is currently dating Cher.