Transcription
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What's up, Rachel? How are we doing?
Hi John, thanks for taking my call.
Of course. What's up?
Um, well, I'm really nervous. I just want to say I'm really excited to be talking to you.
I'm excited to be talking to you.
Yeah, I mean, out of everyone on like the Ramy Network, like I wanted to talk to you in particular because we just, I, I just really like your show.
Appreciate so much. Thank you so much.
What's up? Um, well, I am just ready to pack up my bags and move away. So there's a lot of things that have been going on in my life, um, in the past few years, and I'm, I've just been trying to figure it out. Um, I, I really need an outside opinion.
All right, jump in. Cannonball. All the way in. Just cannonball. What's been going on?
So a few years ago, um, honestly, it's right when COVID started happening because that's when things kind of started started to spiral out of control. Um, I was in my first year of college. I was just figuring everything out. Um, I dropped out of college right at the beginning, or not in the beginning, I sort of, sort of toward the middle of my second semester of college dropped out. Um, everyone else seemed to stay in college and, you know, just work through it, but I just couldn't do it.
Okay. Um, COVID was just a little bit too hard for me.
Okay. Um, I didn't have the strength to.
It's all good. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going.
So you dropped out of college. I worked a part-time job for a year. Uh, I realized I was a loser. Um, I went back to finish online school, um, accelerated so I could graduate on time. Um, in that time, I got a boyfriend who lived in Kentucky. Um, and we moved to Florida together. Um, in October of 2021, and I worked at Disney World. I finished school. Um, so now we're back here in good old Pennsylvania. Um, and now I just seem to not know what I'm doing. I, you know, I have this boyfriend, I live in this apartment, I make a salary, I lost all my friends. Um, and I seem to just hate this area now and I want to go away.
I don't think that's true.
Yeah, yeah. I, I just, I really have so much like tied to this area of things that have happened here. And I've not really loved like the people. The people, the people are just ruder up north. Honestly, after living in Florida and like visiting Kentucky a bunch of times, I'm just like, y'all are so much nicer down in the South.
So yeah, but it's because everybody's carrying guns, so you kind of have to be. But, but, but like, but here, here's the thing. Um, you're right, there's geographical differences and everybody's different. I've got friends who love the brashness and the just say it of Pennsylvania, New York, and I've got people who love the, "Oh, well, isn't that sweet?" of, you know, East Tennessee. I, everybody's all over the place. That's all good. You don't like you. Why? I don't know.
I, I see people. Hold on. Stop, stop, stop, stop. Who cares about other people? I don't care about other people. I don't care about social media. I don't care what you're seeing. But you developed this, this story about yourself. Why?
Because I haven't figured it out yet.
I haven't either. My God, I'm in my mid-40s and I'm a YouTuber now. I don't know. You know what I mean?
Yeah, no, I do. Where's the story coming from?
I've, I've tried figuring it out so many times. You know, I look at myself in the mirror. I look at myself, um, uh, physically and as a person, and I look at the things that have happened around me in my life, and I, I look at what I feel is right, um, and what I feel is wrong. I feel very alone, and I've had a lot of people leave me in my life. Okay? And I don't know why.
I'm going to tell you right now why.
Mhm.
'Cause they had stuff going on with them.
Mhm.
People who were important to you left you because they had stuff going on with them.
Mhm.
Exhale into that because moms and dads aren't supposed to leave their kids, and brothers and sisters aren't supposed to leave their siblings, and ride-or-die friends. Yes, you grow up and yes, you grow apart and all that kind of stuff. MH, but if somebody just walks away with you who is supposed to stay, there's probably something going on in their life.
Yeah, I mean, like, I, I feel very confident, um, in my boyfriend. That's like the only one person I feel confident in.
I, here's a weird thing. I don't care about him. I care about you feeling confident in you.
Yeah. How old are you?
I'm 23.
Yeah, this is the sucky season when your friends from high school and a couple of friends from college, um, when they go get ooey relationships, or they get that job across the country, or you find out like, "Oh, you like, you think that's cool? You're a wine bar person?" Jeez. Or like, "Oh, you golf a lot?" Right? Or like, "You got four cats?" Like, you just find out about people. And at 23, you just start changing relationships. And it's a bummer. It's heartbreaking.
That I'm most interested in why you have looked at the change in your life, while you looked at your response to a global shutdown. You're not a loser for dropping out of college. You know how I know? Because millions of people took a break. They moved. They changed careers. They said, "Not right now." Yeah. But like, when life drops a brick in your arms, you just keep taking that brick instead of carrying it for a bit. Pandemics are hard. Dropping out of college is hard. Having a plan is hard. Um, moving across the country is hard. Moving back to your hometown is even harder. Right? All those things are hard. But you're choosing to take those bricks and put them in a backpack and collect them and keep them as though it's a reflection of you. Right?
What do you, I, I, what do you want to do?
No, let me. You know what? I'm going to rephrase that question. It's too loaded. Who do you want to be, Rachel? Paint me a picture of who you want to be.
I eventually want to be a person who can just have a sense of peace and serenity.
Okay. Matt, Matt, be very specific about what that looks like. Because if you chase a feeling, you're going to end up on opiates. That's how you're going to get your sense of serenity. Because you think, you think making a million dollars, you think a a loving relationship, you think a home, you think these things out there are going to feel a certain way, and they never do. And that's the big lie. What we want is peace from the inside out, so that wherever you end up, you're whole there.
Mhm. And I know people who are teachers who drive Corollas, who have a three-bedroom, two-bath house, and they are happy as a fart because that's the life they chose. I know people who earn a million dollars a year and they can't breathe because they hate themselves. They're running and running and running and running.
Yeah, I'm just tired of always like, like you kind of said, hating myself. Yeah. And I'm always, I'm tired of it. And I want to work on that feeling. And here's the thing. Here, here's the path out of that feeling is reality, truth. And so, yeah, if your body said, "I got to get out of going to college right now," that was true. And if you joking, you're like, "Oh, such a loser, I dropped out of school," you joke. Fine. But the stories you tell yourself become your body's reality.
Mhm. Yeah. And so what's the next right move? Like, paint me a picture of you at 28 years old. Where are you living? Like, where specifically, as specific as you possibly can. 28 years old, five years from now. Where are you living? Just from your gut. Don't stop being, stop being so rational. Just throw it out there. Where you, where are you living?
Probably in the middle of Colorado.
Okay. You're in Colorado. Are you in a house, a condo, or in a van?
I'm in a house.
Okay. How big is your house? Like, max three bedrooms?
Awesome.
So in the middle of Colorado, a three-bedroom house is about $8 million. I'm just making it up. Okay. But look, are you with this guy or not?
100%.
Has he finally gotten around to marrying you?
No.
Well, that's dumb. But okay. Talk about it.
Well, but you should. You know, you, you lived multiple states. It's time.
Okay. Do you have any kids?
No.
Okay. Here's the deal. What are you doing for a living? What's your job?
That's an, uh, it's another thing. Right now, I work at an ice cream shop.
But you keep taking part-time jobs, ice cream shop jobs, and then you beat yourself, you beat yourself up for taking those jobs. Either make peace with that you love it or take steps towards another thing. Yeah. This is, that's another part of the problem. Like, I'm, I'm stuck. I'm working there full-time and I make a, they actually just gave me a decent raise.
What's a decent raise?
So now I make 66 a year.
Okay. Um, which was up from 55. You make $66,000 a year at an ice cream shop?
Yeah.
Bro, half my team's about to leave. The half my team was just. Yeah. Okay. So here's the deal. Here's the thing. The great Irving Yalom, he's, he's the father of existential psychology. Him and R. May, like, so he always said this, and I loved what he said because it's been a gift to me. This one sentence: Everything is data. So you make $66,000 managing an ice cream shop in Philadelphia. Okay. Yeah. Everything's data. Here's what that means. That's a pretty good living for that job, right?
Yeah. If you hate it, it's not a reflection of you. It's not 'cause you're an ingrate and, "Oh my gosh, and I'm the worst." It's data. I loved working at Burger King when I was a teenager. I loved it. I just did. I liked all the chaos, the laughter, the shenanigans, the guys like smoking weed in the parking lot. I loved it all. I loved all of it. Okay. Yeah. And I also love being a Dean of Students. I also love being a professor. I love being a YouTuber. You know what I found out about myself? Everything's data. I kind of just like most of my jobs. There's a couple though that I hated. I like being a delivery boy to a print shop. I just, I like meeting people. So, okay. So if you don't love this, great. Cool. That's a, that's another feel reason I feel like I need to get out because I feel like there's no more opportunity left here for me.
No, you're trying to escape your own skin. Because you're going to move to Colorado and you're going to find it a scary thing. You went with you. If you pack up and move across the country, you're going to go with you. Yeah. I did it. I left the desert of West Texas and I came to the oasis that is Middle Tennessee. It rains every day. There's trees. And dude, it was a reckoning because I told myself that it was about trees and water and topography and weather, and it was me. Yeah. I had to deal with me because I moved with me to Middle Tennessee. I was the guy married to my wife in a marriage that was hanging on by a piece of dental floss, but I wasn't ruined and I wasn't a bad person, a bad character. I was a person that's really struggling, man. You get what I'm saying? You don't yell at a young kid who gets a headache. They're hurting. Let's deal with a headache.
Yeah, I'm just, uh, trying to figure out the cause of the headache, you know?
Yeah. But while you're figuring out the cause of the headache, do the next right thing. What brings you joy, Rachel?
That I also don't really know.
Okay. If you don't, I still want to figure it out. If you don't have a few things that bring you joy right off the top of your head, I want you to go sit down with a counselor today. Will you make that call today?
Yes.
Because here's what that tells me. It tells me that you have a pair of glasses on on how you're viewing the world. And unfortunately, those glasses have gotten dirty, or the glasses have, are need a different prescription, and it's it's coloring how you see the world.
I felt like I used to, but it just like, is going away, especially as I get older.
That's it. Will you go talk to somebody? It could be any number of things. M. It could be your body trying to get your attention. It could be hormones. It could be levels in neurochemistry. It could be all kinds of things. But here's, sorry, I'm so emotional.
I know. I think you're probably telling me the truth, and you probably haven't done that in a while, not because you're lying, but because you don't think you're even worth having this hard conversation with. You think you should just be grateful for everything, and I should just be, and I should just be, and all these shoulds are burying you. Can I tell you what I see?
Sure. Do you trust me not to, not to lie to you?
No, you don't know me. You can, you can tell me the truth here.
Here's what I see from the outside. I see a young woman who's, um, like, really good at smiling when somebody comes into the ice cream shop, and I mean that both literally and figuratively. M. You're good at smiling and putting on a brave face for people. And growing up was hard for you. True or false?
Yeah. Yeah.
And you set out to prove people wrong. And a global pandemic like enveloped us all. And your body said, "Nah, I'm not doing that." And you thought it was because you're a bad person. But your body's been through enough over the first 18, 19 years of your life. And then you did a brave thing. You met some dumb boy and you moved across the country. And then y'all moved again. And you finally are allowing yourself to believe you're worth being loved. And it feels like an electric fence because it feels so right, and it burns because you're scared to death. That doesn't mean you're broken. That means your body's like, "Whoa, we know what love feels like. It hurts." And you're like, "I know, but I trust this guy." And then you got another job, and another job, and you got another job. And then the owner of this ice cream shop says, "I trust you with everything I have." And so here's what all this meta story tells me. You're real, real tough. And you're not scared of taking risks. And you're good at running a small business because the owner trusts you. And you're great with strangers. Like, you have so many skills. Like, you see what I'm saying? I'm looking at this very rich 23-year-old.
Yeah. Not rich financially, like, let's be honest. But like, but like, but rich personally. And the person who doesn't see it. Even your knuckleheaded Kentucky boyfriend sees it. You don't see it. And that's okay. But I want you to go sit down with somebody where you can be honest about what happened to you when you're a kid, and you can let 9-year-old you and 14-year-old you stop fighting, and 23-year-old you can finally exhale. And that's just wiping those glasses clean, or getting a whole new set of glasses so you can see the world for as beautiful as it is, despite the ugliness that's happened to you. And then you can decide, where do I want to go make my life? Do you get what I'm saying?
Yeah. Yeah, no, you're right. And that, my sister, 100% right. Listen, that, my sister, is peace.
So here's the, here's the homework assignment. You have two. Number one, you're going to call a counselor in your local area before the day is over. You're going to call a counselor before the day is over and say, "I'm ready to get well, and I got some hard stuff I got to say out loud." The second thing is, I want you to write a love letter to 28-year-old you, five years from now. And tell her about the work you're about to start doing. You're going to start, you're going to stop carrying family secrets and you're going to stop carrying tragedy that happened to you and burying it. And you are going to write 28-year-old you a love letter about who you are starting to become today, so that in five years, that woman in Colorado will walk outside in one of the most beautiful places on planet Earth and laugh in the snow, laugh in the heat, laugh on your hike. I don't know what you're doing there, but you're loving your life. You write a love letter. And then you're going to tonight over dinner, you're going to tell that knucklehead boy it's time to to marry you because you're worth being married to. I'm super grateful for the call, Rachel. I can't wait to see who you become. And if you want to be a gangster, write that letter to you, send it into Kelly, and I'll read it because I think that letter would help millions of people stuck right where you're stuck. We're all with you, Rachel, and I cannot wait to see what amazing move you make next.
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