Transcription
Foreign, let's go to Brandon in Phoenix. What's up, Brandon?
Hi John, how are you?
Remarkable. How are you doing?
Well, doing well. Thanks for taking my call.
You got it, man. What's up?
Uh, so, kind of a weird situation. Um, my wife and I recently moved here to Phoenix a few months ago. I started a brand new job, um, totally new city, new state, all of that. Um, and over the past month and a half or so, uh, I've developed a really big crush on a co-worker. And I feel like I'm, yeah, yeah, I feel like I'm back in high school. And it's, it's, it's a very weird feeling. Uh, I've been happily married for almost four years, and, uh, my marriage is great. And I don't know why all of a sudden this has come up, but it has, and I'm not sure how to navigate that.
Hmm. Okay. So, are you ready just to buckle up? Because I got a lot of thoughts. Okay. Here's your job. Your job is to interrupt me at any point. Okay?
Okay.
Is that cool?
That's cool.
I'm gonna rock and roll. You tell me you're wrong. Hold on. And just yell, throw a flag. Or if you have like one of those shut up buttons, just push it. Okay?
So, sounds good.
Four years in, y'all have started to settle in, and then you took a new job. You'll move to a new town. It was exciting and scary, and y'all had to leave friends or family or whatever, and you landed here. Okay? And your wife has probably settled into, you're developing a routine. You're starting to talk about what house one day, and maybe having kids. We're not gonna have kids, and all that stuff. And you're slowly, slowly, tiny slowly feeling the old adventurous. Yeah, dude. Brandon, slow. You're starting to suffocate a little bit. And the humanity of your wife is real. She's got boogers, and she farts, and she's like, doesn't wear makeup all the time. Like, all that stuff. And then you start this new job in this new town, and somebody makes your heart start beating a little faster again. And maybe her body's a little bit better than your wife's, a little bit different. I would say better than, but it's more your jam. Or maybe there's something in the way she touches your arm, or she laughs, or she listens to the same music as you. There's a little thing that slowly makes you feel like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember this guy. The way he used to feel around girls like her. And you even said it, uh, you feel like a high schooler again. You know, it was in high school for some of us. Like me, I loved it. I love the awkwardness. I love wondering if she liked me. I wondered. I loved when she broke up with me. I mean, I hate it at the time, but in retrospect, I love my wife. Hated it. Loved it. Dude. And so, let me make this super clear to you, okay? This is not about her. Nothing to do with her. This is about you. And I want to free you from something. Being attracted to people, thinking people are awesome, wondering what if. I would even go as far as to say is having like a crush on. So, like, I just like spending time with it. That's the rest of your life, dude. And I'm not, I, I think anybody who beat you up over that is an idiot. Okay? Um, okay. But yeah, let me say this. But you're always going to find people that are sexy or beautiful, hilarious, fun. I had one friend tell me, um, he ended up leaving his wife, right? So, and we'll get to that in a second. But he said something, I just like the way she moves. And there was a sensuality to where this, this person he worked with, the way she just moved through the world, right? It wasn't even this particular, I'm overwhelmed by how beautiful she is or whatever, whatever. So, whatever that is, you land on two choices, okay? You ready? Choice number one. I am going to scratch and fight and claw my way back to feeling alive inside the marriage that I committed my life to. And we'll talk about that in a second, how you do that. But we're going to create a world where I feel alive. Where I'm daily leaning into my wife. Where I tell her the truth. Where I tell her what I would love to try in the bedroom. Where I would like to stop doing, like, when it comes to holiday plans, all this. I'm gonna start telling her the truth because I haven't really been, I've been hoping she's a mind reader and kind of leaning in a little bit and hoping she would pretend and kind of trying to position her this way. But I haven't said anything because I'm kind of dishonest and kind of a coward, a little bit. And I'm gonna allow her to say the same thing too. I'm gonna respect her boundaries. So, I'm going to stop there before I get to number two. Am I off by in on any of this?
No. Uh, actually, just kind of describing the situation. You, you've pretty much nailed it on the head. And, and I, I want to clarify. Yeah, like, I'm, I'm in a great marriage. I, I love my wife. Uh, but yeah, I think, I don't know, just something about starting in this new place. And, uh, and I don't even have that, that close of a relationship with this co-worker. It literally just being friends at work. But, uh, yeah, she's, this co-worker definitely has me feeling some of those things. So.
Okay. I think, I think you're right on. So that leads me to number two. Okay. You're gonna respect the fact that you stood up in front of your friends and your family, and if you're a person of faith, in front of God, and you stood before her, your wife, and you said, come what comes, I will be right here. Yeah. What that means is when you have crushes, and want to hang out more, and want to have a little side text conversation with somebody. I have been there. Across the board on all those things, dude. And I've accidentally, through private jokes and thinking this is funny, found myself staring over an abyss with no intention. See what I'm saying? Yeah. Thank God I've never done anything irreversible. But I'm telling you, it's just so innocuous. And my whole life was about flirty energy. That's how he entered a room. And I'm telling you right now, it's, it's been an off switch. Now I enter a room with peace. And I don't want anything from any of the people because what I realized I was using people to make myself feel better. Okay? So the earlier you can say, yeah, she's beautiful, she's hilarious, and I'd like to. There it is. That's when you got a choice. I don't. I just don't. I don't text women I'm not married to. I don't go get drinks with. Fill in the blank anymore. I don't do this anymore. I make sure I sit over here because I told my wife. And it's gonna feel like, um, I mean, gosh, now you're gonna get me all so boxed out. We just live in a culture that's just like, your feelings are the most important thing. And I reject that with all of my heart. Because you have the same feelings that point out how much, how pretty she is, and how funny she is, or whatever, that you're finding attractive about her. Those same feelings pointed you towards your wife. Like, feelings are feelings. And then you made a choice, right? And so action, I think, is really critical here. Um, okay.
[Music]
What are you gonna do?
Well, I, I, I have been meaning to really talk about it with my wife. I'm a little nervous as to how she'll react.
What would that bring you?
Well, I mean, I, I think for me, it would bring me peace. But yeah, I am a little anxious as to what she'll.
Have you done anything? Have you done anything wrong?
No.
What is, man, now I'm going to get myself in some dangerous territory. What I've found with younger Millennials is, and it's, it's a real, and I say that not in a disparaging way. I just don't see it in other other generational groups, is a need to overshare. An almost weaponized transparency. What I mean by that is, um, I tell people all the time, you can't keep secrets. Like, you gotta be honest with your spouse. You gotta tell them what you're, what's going on. You gotta tell them, like, all that's good. And I'm finding people who are 22, 23, 25, 26, walking down the mall and looking over at their husband and being like, man, I'd like to sleep with that guy. And it's like, that's super not helpful, right? There's a point when it's, so that's what I'm asking you. What, what about this situation? You're at a new job in a new town, in a new place. Maybe you didn't want to take this new job. Maybe this is mostly the house that your wife picked. Maybe you're starting to settle in and say, oh my gosh, this is the rest of my life, and I don't like who I'm becoming. And then I see her. What makes you say, I need to go tell my wife that I found somebody else attractive?
Well, I, uh, I don't know. I, I think it's just wanting to be transparent with my wife. Uh, you know, I've always been. And, um, I, yeah, I guess I'm just afraid of maybe, you know, triggering some anxiety, some jealousy in her.
Will you ever cheat on your wife?
Sorry. Will you ever cheat on your wife?
No.
Okay. If I was you, I would probably, I would consider a couple of things. One, yes, if I mean, you know your marriage better than me. If sitting down saying, I need you to know that I have the feelings for somebody at work. And I don't even hear you saying you have feelings for somebody. I have you. I feel like you're telling me. I'm kind of caught off guard because I'm kind of got a crush on somebody. Which is different than, I really, I'm trying to figure out ways to spend more time with somebody. I really want somebody else. Does it make sense? And it sounds like I'm being, I'm dancing a fine line here. But if you tell me if I'm wrong. Yeah. Um, let me give you this picture. Esther Perel paints, and I love it. You spend all of your dating time practicing safety. Is she gonna show up? Is he gonna answer the phone? If somebody tries to like, get me in a bar, is he gonna stand up for me? Like, we're practicing safety. And you're led all with desire. Can't wait to be together. You blow off tests, you skip work, you're making out in the middle of dinner. Like, right? I mean, it's, it's all about desire. Then when you begin to establish safety, it's very difficult for desire to remain in the presence of safety. Right? That's, uh, that's, that's settling in. What we don't have in our culture. We do have the practice safety. You'll hear your friends being like, hey, do you, does, does he call you back? Does, did she listen to you? And you were telling her that you were sad. Like, we have those conversations. We don't have the other conversations, which are, how do I create a world where we're both fully alive, and there's mystery and romance and all-day text exchanges that lead into firework shows, right? And, right. You see what I'm saying? So I think the best way to start this conversation is, we just started a whole new life in a new town with a new job. And I find myself on a trajectory where I don't like who I'm becoming. And my guess is it's not just related to this person at work that you feel like a high schooler around. My guess is you're probably also avoiding X, not helping around the house a little bit, maybe taking one more drink than you normally do, or eating one more taco than you normally do. Am I wrong on any of those?
Um, I, I wouldn't say I, I've actually been really trying to work on myself better, just hitting the gym more and things like that.
And right there's the challenge. Can I tell you that I know that I know I'm going against everything that you're going to see on Instagram for the next five months? I know that when y'all lock into a new town in a new place and a new adventure and a new part of your life, you each going your separate ways to quote unquote work on yourselves can actually pull you all further apart. You may end up spending more time in the gym, but the only way this thing works long term is if you all decide, we're doubling down on who we're gonna be together, right? And so your whole life is different. And you'll probably have not called that out yet. Your old marriage is over. Your old college time is over. Your old high school time is over. You're in a new town, in a new state, and a new job, and a new whatever. And so you all have to acknowledge, we're building a new world. And right part of our new world is we take care of ourselves. Cool. I need to go to the gym. See what I'm see how different that is than I've been working on myself, listening to podcasts, going to the gym, um, do it, like journaling more. All of those things are isolating you further and further and further from the person that you're supposed to be building a life with. Okay? Yeah. And you may end up doing those same things. I hope I don't sound crazy. You may end up doing those same exact things, but they're going to be in service to your marriage, not in service to you just getting better so you can crush and kill. And I'm, I'm becoming more and more outspoken. I think we've just missed it as a culture. Uh, Brandon, I'm not, I'm not picking on you now. I'm just talking to everybody. Somewhere along the way, we begin telling people, you shouldn't be married. You shouldn't get in relationships until you're all you. And if you're struggling with like a mental health disorder, or you've got some major personality challenges, yes, you need to go make sure you're well. Or if you're codependent, marrying somebody so that you can be okay is never healthy. But this idea that I've got to go be a Spartan, and you've got to be a Spartan, so that we can then get married, is madness. You got to do that stuff together in service of one another. I'm not going to crush it and kill it in my 20s so I can crush it and kill it in my so I can have crushed and killed in my 20s. I'm gonna crush it and kill it in my 20s because me and my wife have a vision of what our family tree is going to look like when the dust settles on our life. And I'm willing to put all that work in. I'm willing to do this and X and Y and sacrifice on behalf of my wife and my kids and my community and my country. And my wife is, I'm willing to put this aside and this aside. And that goes right in the face of, you follow your dreams. And you follow your dreams. When somebody tells me these words, this is the new magic words. Um, our marriage just ran its course. Bullcrap. I call BS. I called BS. One of you quit, or what both of you quit, or one of you did something that the other person said, I can no longer be a part of this. But the idea that a relationship just naturally runs out of gas is false. People make life changes. People move. People make decisions about how they're going to invest in themselves and other people. And, and more importantly, in the total relationship. So Brandon, I tell you a lot to tell you, I love you. You're not crazy. I don't think you're a bad guy. I don't think you need to walk in your front door and be like, I am, I, I, I don't hear that. Okay? I also, you, you, if you listen to the show for five seconds, you know I'm really anti-secrets. Right? It may be that when you tell your wife, hey, I'm even finding myself like having crushes on people at work. Like, I, I, I'm worried about, um, I'm worried about my trajectory. And I want to create a world where we desire one another. Um, and we practice desire on a regular basis. Um, I want you to know you're not crazy. I've been there. I don't know, actually, uh, anybody that hasn't been there, male or female, quite honestly.
Questions. What are you gonna do? Are you gonna do what the culture says and follow your feelings, and they're gonna lead you right off a cliff? Or are you gonna remember, I made a covenant. I said, till death do us part. All my things are your things, and all your things are my things. And I'll spend the rest of my life making sure your life is well. And I hope you'll do the same for me. I think you should choose option two. But that's just me.