Transcription
[Music] [Music] [Music]
She emerged from within me like a goddess from water. She filled her lungs with new air with a sigh that meant everything: relief, rebirth, release. She took in the world around her with an understanding of its fragility and strength. She let the waters of her past run down her face. She took on a new name. She took on a new way. She became whole. She lives in me. She saved me. She is me. Come.
[Music]
Hello gorgeous goddesses. I hope you have had a beautiful evening last night and day today, wherever you are in the world. I have been getting so much incredible feedback from yesterday, so I'm very excited about today's call, where we are going to go a little bit deeper into all of the wounds. So, one very important piece of the puzzle with all of this is that the goal of working on this is never that we stop feeling. The goal is never to be like, "Well, okay, how do I fix this part of me? Then, how do I make sure I don't get sad anymore? How do I make sure I don't get upset anymore?" Us being sad in life, us being upset in life, it's part of the human experience. It was never part of the plan that we should learn how to stop feeling. That was never the plan. That's why we've really got to learn how to process our feelings, regardless of what it is. Whether you're sad, whether you're sacred rage, whether you're, you know, disappointed, it doesn't really matter what the emotion is. It's your emotion. And so, the thing that actually causes us harm in all this is the fact that we judge our feelings, or that we resent the people who we think caused the feelings. This is, this is where we end up going into like, baby goddess, slash, badass overdrive.
So, I'm going to give you an example. This is, this is probably my biggest trigger, is where there's like, someone is trying to push authority. Like, I believe in personal power. I believe in leadership. I believe that it's important to be led. Like, I believe, I believe all these things. But there are people who, as soon as they have the upper hand for something, just love the experience of showing you they've got authority. This is my trigger. If it, if it's not fair, or it's not right, or they have no right, or all of that, like, that's my baby goddess comes up for that more than any other thing.
I never really got the validation thing. So, and I, and I wasn't necessarily surrounded by people who really got it either. Like, even the people around me, their parents are pretty tough. Like, I never really saw validation. I never really saw that same thing. Like, I never had the, the like, mother goddess thing. But I also didn't know anyone else that had a mother goddess. All the moms were tough moms around me. So I didn't have the, the lack of that either.
The sister wound was different with me because my sister was my little sister, and I would have given her everything. Like, I would have given her my head, my kidney, whatever she wanted. Like, I would, I just, from the moment she was born, she felt like the most important thing in the world to me. And so, I didn't really have a sister wound in that way until we became old enough that I was not cool at school, and she was cool, and she was afraid to be seen with me because people made fun of me, and she was afraid it would like, wreck her reputation. That broke my heart into a million pieces. But it didn't change our relationship at home. I just couldn't talk to her at school, and she was younger than me. You know, she's six years younger. I don't think she ever realized how much that hurt my feelings. But like, oh, the feeling that like, you were ashamed of being my sister at school because people making fun of me might bleed into your cool reputation. Like, that was really painful for me. So that was my sister wound with my sister, like, if I wasn't cool enough, she'd disown me, kind of thing. Um, but she was younger than me, you know, much younger than me, six years. So I always had a lot of compassion for her situation also. Um, but the wound, the one was the authority wound. The one where I'd get bullied on the school grounds and no one ever saw. The one where if I ever said, "You know, this is happening," it never, it was never made fair. The one where people seem to get away with doing things that were not okay to me, to other people, and it just felt like, where's the authority when you need it? And who needs this kind of authority? Like, if this is what authority is, like, you're missing the mark. We don't need you doing this. We need you doing that. You know, even like being on the highway and having someone go past me a hundred miles an hour, and I'm like, "Where's the cops?" Like, the trigger is real. "Where are the police now?" Like, when I was going three kilometers over the speed limit, they were like, "Do you know why we're pulling you over, ma'am?" I'm like, "Because you wanted to ask me the license plate of the person who just cut me off at a hundred miles an hour?" No, then I don't know why you're pulling me over or why you're pulling me off. Like, I, oh God, it's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair.
And a lot of my "it's not fair" wounds came with my little brother because I was four years older than him, and he's a little boy. And my grandmother had this thing for boys. Like, anytime he'd pick on me or do something not nice, she'd say, "Not my little grandson. Not the apple of my eye. No, bless him. He couldn't have done that. Look at him. He's only a baby." Little devil child. I was like, "He did!" And he'd be like, "My grandmother," and then look at me like, like he, he, he's laughing. She's like, "No, not my little grandson. Not my little boy. He would never do anything like that." That drove me. Honestly, I had the best relationship with my dad. But then my brother came, and it became, "It's all about the boys." "You can't do that. It's a boy sport." "No, you can't come golfing. It's a boy thing." "No, you can't do that. It's a boy thing." And I went from being best buddies with my dad to all of a sudden, "I was a girl." I was like, "I don't want to be a girl. It's not fair. I want to be your best buddy." I, I got demoted, and I didn't even do anything wrong. It's not fair.
He would eat food at the speed of light. Like, he would be given food, and then he would eat it so fast, and while it was still in his mouth, he'd be trying to eat mine. And if I didn't give it to him, and he started crying, my parents would say, "Let him have some. Bless him. He's starving. He's hungry. Look." And I'm like, "I'm hungry. I just don't eat so fast. Don't make him cry. Give him some. It's not fair." All of my baby goddess wounds are "it's not fair" wounds. It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair.
So, the problem that I needed to have to face in my life is that anyone in a position of power that had misguided authority or a non-understanding of their power, that tried to make me feel like I had to do something, I was like, "No." Now, this is not just bad because I have built Alpha FM with a lot of that little snarky energy. "You're going to need 100,000 people on an email list." How about this, Buster? How about I don't even have an email list? Suck it, baby goddess for the win. "You are going to need to run ads. You'll never meet people. Won't know who you are." How about this? I won't even, I won't even learn how to do that. I'm going to talk again. I'm going to build this whole thing without. Watch me.
So, there is a positive that comes from our triggers. There is a positive that comes from our triggers. The negative parts that come from my triggers is my nervous system was shot, and I was constantly, especially before I started doing personal development work, always feeling vengeful. That was my, that was the thing I could not get out of was, was this like, steeping feeling inside of like, hate tea. Like, there's just hate tea steeping inside of me all the time. Someone would do something bad to me, and I'd be like, "When will they be punished? Where will the revenge come from? Where, when will karma hit?" It was, if, if I, if someone did something bad to me, and then their life was going well, it could keep me up at night. "Where is God? Where is the police? Where are people? Where is the authority?" W- the only authority that matters is the authority that could make this person pay for their bad behavior. And that authority is not doing that. So, who cares about authority? They're stupid. Anybody in authority is stupid because they don't help you with what the problem is, and then they put you in trouble for something that's not even a big deal. I hate authority. I literally Googled "how to make your ex-boyfriend cry" in my phone before I found "how to get the relationship you want." And what made me Google that, "how to make your ex-boyfriend cry," is because after he had cheated and lied and fired me and put me in the worst situation of my freaking life, and I'm sitting in the front seat of a Honda Civic in a snowstorm while he's got new girls in our house, he's dating the girls from my job. My job that I invited him into, that I gave him the job to be in, that I helped him become the manager of. I gave him this position of power. I gave him this perceived hot shot identity. And now he's using it to sleep with the girls that I've trained, all the people that had become my friends. I felt so isolated. I felt so angry. And I'm like, "How is he Casanova in my bed when I am sleeping in the front seat of a Honda Civic? How do I break his bubble? How do I destroy this?" I lived with this all the time. And the one thing that never crossed my mind in all of this is that I had no right to do that because the story and the narrative was so true. It was true that it was not fair. It was true that I had given him this. It was true that this was not nice. It was true. But all the things that were true still did not give me the right to be a vengeful teapot. There is no circumstance that's happening on the outside that actually justifies entirely bad behavior. Or else, no one is wrong.
When I look back at him and his life and what he went through, the childhood he had, the relationship he had with his parents, the difficult times he went through in his life, the genuine pain he walked with every day, well, then that should be his reason to be a jerk to me and everybody else. Like, when does it stop? If you have the right? And so, the hardest work of my life was realizing my feelings are allowed. My self-righteousness is not. The fact that I would hate him for the way he's living his life is, like, who's that helping? Is it helping me that I live like a raging teapot all the time? That I'm constantly angry? That I'm constantly bitter? That I'm constantly playing back stories in my head that make me mad? Is that really what I'm allowed to do? And what's the solution? People around me would have to stop being jerks, and then I could change. But if they didn't stop being jerks, then I could not. Because it was entirely justified that I would be a jerk if I was entirely surrounded by jerk faces. Just makes sense, baby goddess. Makes perfect sense. If you don't want me to be a jerk, don't be a jerk.
So, who's the leader in all this? Not I. The leader is whoever made me happy or made me sad. So, how much agency or personal power do I have in my life? How much I'm like a leaf blowing in the wind? If the wind is blowing in the way of triggers, then I'm triggered. If the wind is blowing in the way of fairness, I'm happy. Well, that's going to be a fragile existence.
So, through this work, what I've really come to realize is that our problems are not the issue. My rage, if I just said to you without the story, "I'm just so mad right now. Like, I'm so mad right now," doesn't really mean anything. You're just mad. When I tell you the story about the ex who did this and this and this and this, you could get triggered with me because you'd get all in the story and get mad at the ex and think, "Melanie, you didn't deserve that." And next thing you're triggered. But if I'm just mad, and I'm just mad, and I say, "You know, I just cannot talk to anybody right now. I'm just so mad," and I just deal with my mad, the mad goes away eventually. But we don't do that. We like to have placeholders for our feelings. We don't let the anger just course through. We want to have a poster child for the rage, for the sadness, for the disappointment. And so, this ex-boyfriend of mine did not just get the steeping rage of his behavior. He became the poster child for every unfairness I ever lived in the history of my life. Can you feel that? Like, there's times in your life where someone is, someone is willing to be the one person you project all of your mother wounds on to. In this moment, she's not just going to walk away with her thing. She made you mad about this. This is the perfect opportunity to gather every piece of rage you've ever had in your life and say, "I'll put it all on you." And then I can just be mad at you and make you pay for it. And everything I've never been able to say to anybody else, I'll just say it to you. Has anyone here ever been the poster child for someone else's sadness or rage or disappointment where you're like, "This cannot be all about me. Like, this is so over the top. It doesn't make sense that you're this mad for this." Like, "I understand that you're mad. I'm sorry, but like, this reaction is wild." You've become the poster child for the entire emotional problem. P's like, "Yes, classic projection."
So, because we do do this, we tend to go over the top with our feelings. So, if you've ever had the feeling of like, getting mad with your kid and then being like, "My gosh, where did that rage come from? Like, I lost it. What happened?" My "it's not fair" wound just came out on my seven-year-old. And it's like, every anger I've ever felt for a seven-year-old in all of my life. Last time I was in a fight with a seven-year-old, I was seven. So, baby goddess definitely has the code for a fight with a seven-year-old. Definitely not my most regulated self that shows up for that fight. All that "it's not fair" from your siblings, from any kid that's ever bullied you, from any, you want to put that kid back, back in their place. "There will be no fun this weekend. There will be no dessert for the rest of your life. You're grounded forever. You're going to bed as soon as we get in." Like, what else can I say to drive this child up the wall? They think they can get me. I'm the boss. And then you're like, "Oh my God, that was so over the top." Why? Because all of the projections of that wound come out at once. And that's, this is the thing we want to heal in this module. Your anger without a story does not feel the same way. Your anger without a poster child doesn't come out the same way. If you feel disappointed, but when you're feeling disappointed, you then start to think about every disappointment you, every dis-, every disappointment you've ever had in your life. And we do this. It's like, "This reminds me of the time. You remind me of this person. This reminds me of the time." Like, you are going to start to connect all the times you've ever been disappointed. And then it's like, "I need to stop this pattern." And it ends with you, "I will never feel this again, and I'm going to, I'm going to deal with this with you right now."
If we have the emotional maturity not to, to say, "I'm not allowed to feel this," not to say, "This is just baby goddess. I shouldn't be sad, or I shouldn't be triggered, or I shouldn't be mad." Not that, but just to say, "This is not all about this person, and this is not all about this event. This is amplified exponentially by a lot of things I've felt in my life that were either not fair, or people who did not see me for my worth, or did not validate me, or people who did not love me unconditionally after they swore they would, or people who competed with me and made me feel too much or not enough." This is not all about this person. This person is just a representation. This is not all about this event. This event is just a representation. This friend is a representation. This ex is a representation. This cop is a representation. This coach, this mentor, is a representation. I have to process my feelings. They're mine. I'm allowed to have them. But as long as I have a poster child or a good story, it's going to be most impossible to ever put this down.
An emotion on its own is like an element. You know, there's a thunderstorm. How long do those last? There is a solar eclipse. How long does that last? A torrential rainstorm. How long does that last? The greatest snowstorm we've ever seen. How long does that last? Our fear is that the em-, the turmoil that the storm is creating is going to cause permanent damage, or it's going to cause damage. It's going to be all, all the storm's fault. You can't control emotions, and you can't control storms. And if they do break something, you will rebuild it, and you will be okay. You got to be allowed to feel your feelings, and it cannot always be someone's fault. Because if it's always someone's fault, you're not just the pure emotion that you're feeling.
And so, remember we talked about compounded emotions, and we talked about "I'm mad about being mad." Like, when you compound an emotion, you kind of lock it in. So, the issue with this is like, if I'm mad at authority, and an authority figure is trying to corner me into something right now, and I feel mad, allowed to feel mad. If I can process my feelings about being mad, M-, if I can process those feelings, then I can handle that discussion properly with the person. Processing my emotions doesn't mean making the emotions go away. It could literally mean driving to the nearest cliff and screaming at the top of my lungs. It could mean filling the bathtub with water and screaming in the bathtub. It could mean crying for seven minutes on repeat until it's over. It could mean putting the music up so big your subwoofer in the house is like, and jump up and down in anger and rage and scream and cry. Like, get it out. But by the time you have the conversation, got to be able to speak with your power, not explode on the person fully, because it's not all the person. Now, did they do something wrong to you? Yes. Did they activate a trigger? Yes. Are you allowed to be mad at them? Yes. But does it serve you to take the wrath of all of that and instead of processing it, just throw it onto them? No. And the reason why is because we forget about ricochet, or like cause and effect. It's like, they did something that made you rip-roar and mad. So now you have the right to make them rip-roar and mad. Cuz, babe goddess, do you think it ends there? You think the person says, "Ah, fair game. Nice anger. Shake my hand. That was beautiful." You think they do that? Or do you think they take it up a notch? "Have you lost your mind? I will not be spoken to like that." Now you go from a mother wound or a father wound to an authority wound. You've just compounded the trauma. The anger is through the roof. And then you say something, and then they feel it. You think they go, "Whoa, nice one. Nice one. That really hurt. That was good. That was pretty good. I deserve that. Good job." No, they don't do that. They go, "I'll kill you." And now you're in a ping-pong match, binging every time the ball comes, it's worse, activating every trigger you could find. So, you're not going to have a better week getting into a huge fight with someone. Are you allowed to be mad? Yes. Does it serve you to get into a fight? No. Unless you want to fight and you want to burn everything down. Unless you're in the mood to have a torrential rainstorm that destroys half the village, then you've got to pick up half the village. As long as you understand there is a side effect to our emotions. And when we're living them, we have a hard time realizing that we're going to cause damage. But when other people cause damage, we think they should have known better.
This was a very big part of my realization. Anytime someone used their righteousness to be emotional towards me, I always felt they should have known better. Can you relate to that? Like, "Gosh, this really dramatic feel. Like, you could have handled that with much more maturity and grace. That was not your best moment." Must be going through something. So capable of seeing the exaggeration when somebody else does it. So capable of being able to say, "I was not your best work. That was exaggerated." When somebody else. And when it's me, unable to see it. "Had no choice. You don't understand. I was so triggered." And so there's a moment where we've got to realize we really do have different parts of our emotional intelligence all inside of our body. Like, we have the composed version of us that can kind of see, and then we have the little version of us that's in the chaos that can't see a thing. And if we're not willing to see that, then we cause a lot of problems.
Who here has a mama who actively has a baby goddess, and she doesn't know that she has one? And you speak to her as a grown adult, and sometimes you get the equivalent of a small child response from her, and you're like, "You're the mom. You're not, you're not supposed to respond like that. You're, you're too old for this." Who has a mama like that? They don't know they have a baby goddess. They just think that this is their, this is what happens when they're mad, and it's your fault, and you should know better. So, it's not something like, we know. It's not something like, we're, we're, we're aware of. We really think this little explosive part of us is just part of who we are. And so, you'll hear people say, "This is the way I am. I've always been this way. It's not my fault. I don't know how to control it. I've always been this way." You've always been this way because you've always been a baby goddess. You've got to grow into the goddess. The goddess is the new identity. The baby goddess has always been the same one who threw a tantrum for a rattle, throws, throws a tant-, tantrum for spilled coffee. It's the same baby goddess. It's the goddess that needs to come in and learn the maturity.
So, you may have found in your life that you were right about your feelings, and that you were right about your reactions. In the same way, I just very beautifully demonstrated with my anger around "it's not fair." And it's not that you're not right. You're right for yourself. It's just, this is one of the questions that I journaled early on in my journey that completely changed my life. In the front seat of my Honda Civic, this question comes through for me: "Is this moment of self-righteousness worth compromising my energetic vibration?" And that's when I realized the answer to that question is most definitely no. If what I am trying to do in this world is so big, I have huge goals, dreams, I, I want to be a leader, I want to be able to build huge things, I want to be able to hold power, responsibility, I want to have incredible relationships. Like, I see the self-concept I'm building, who I am meant to be, who I could be, who I can be. I see myself so clearly in that light. Is this moment of self-righteousness where I'm going to behave entirely different than who I know myself to be? I'm going to break things, I'm going to hurt people, I'm going to yell, I'm going to hurt, I'm going to freak out. Like, that moment, but I'm allowed because they did this. But is that moment of self-righteousness worth compromising my vibrational state, my energetic frequency? Because it takes a while to get back into it. And beyond that, it creates memories that we cannot let go of.
So, who here has at least one "me" memory that when you think back at it, it makes you feel a little bit queasy of how you behaved? You try to move it out of your head really fast. Actually, you're just like, "I'm not that. That I'm not like that anymore. I don't want to think about it. It was terrible. I feel so bad. I don't even want to talk about it." That's so bad. We can't change those. It's like toothpaste. Once you've pushed it out of the tube, you can't put it back in. Once you've behaved that way, the behavior is out of the toothpaste tube, and it's always, it's always there. Every time something triggers the memory of it, you're like, "We don't want any of those." You definitely don't want any more of those.
And so, are if you're mad and you scream in the bathtub, who did you hurt? Nobody. You scream to the top of a mountain top and you say, "Why, God, why?" Who are you hurting? Nobody. You have a dance party jumping up and down in sacred rage. You cry. You fall to your knees. You rip papers apart and confetti not all over the floor. Who are you hurting? Nobody. It's when you take all of the rage and you put it on someone so that they feel it because that's what would be fair. It's when you take all of that sadness and you put it on someone's shoulders so that they feel it because that would be fair. That's when relationships break. That's when our memory of how we've behaved or what we've said can never be taken back.
So, we want to learn to process our emotions internally. And it helps, baby goddess, to have a villain. We like having a villain. That one's the villain. Like, you could probably come up with a solid villain in your head right now. A past client, a past mentor, one of your parents, a friend, a sibling, a cousin. Like, you have, you have a villain. And this villain probably is responsible for a lot of the things that you were not, you're best at. And so, their role is really valuable in your life because with their presence as the villain, you're not fully responsible for your actions. It's not your fault. You had a villain. People like to have a villain. Lets them off the hook. The thing is, that villain is also just a person. Regardless of how much you have against them, regardless of how much you believe you know, you know a fraction of who they are, of how they feel, of how they've felt in their life, of how much pain they've been through, how much emotional intelligence they lacked, how much we know nothing about these people. But because they made us react poorly, they're the villain. And it's easy to have a, a villain. And it doesn't even need to be like, villain. It could just be like, the [ __ ] in your story. Like, the bank teller that was rude to you, or the person who looked down on you when you were looking at houses, or the person who told you you wouldn't succeed on the internet, or the hater on in your comment section. Or it doesn't even need to be a big villain. But it gets to be the reason you don't do something. "I was going to build a social media business, but then got this woman, this client, she was awful. And then I thought, you know what? I just don't think I can do it." "I wanted to fall in love. I thought I'd have kids and I'd get married. But then there was this one guy, and he did this and this, and now I don't think I want to be in love anymore. I don't think I want to put myself out there anymore." That one villain alters the course of your life. Either because, because you were entirely invalidated, not loved the way you deserved, meant to feel too much or not enough, or because someone that felt in a position of authority took advantage of the situation.
So, how much longer do we let those people be in charge of how our life goes? There has to come a moment where you realize, "Yes, their behavior was terrible, but this is my life. Do I live my life in honor of their bad behavior for the rest of time? I love a little less. I trust a little less. I pull myself back a little more in honor of the one person who's the villain." This is a tough module because you might realize that, yeah, sometimes it does feel like you can't move forward because of them. But what really you get to do is process your feelings about whatever you're not processing by keeping them as a villain. Everything in your life is your life. You get to own every part of it. You get to be entirely free from all of it because it's your life. You don't need to live in as a shadow of who you could have been because of the villain. You don't need to do that. But you will need to process your feelings. And the beautiful thing about the villain is it's kind of like a p-, a Pandora's Box. Like, the villain holds your pain, and then you don't have to look at it because it's not your fault, their fault. This is where a lot of people have this like, unprocessed, they call it trauma. But like, just to be clear, anything in your life can be a trauma. If you knock your, your knee on the table and you get a bruise, that's a trauma of the skin. So, trauma doesn't have to be monumental. Like, literally a bruise is called a, a trauma of the skin. So, any trauma that you have that you don't want to face, especially if you feel it's someone else's fault, you put it in Pandora's Box, and the villain holds on to it. The villain holds the story, the feelings, the emotion, the pain, all of it. And you don't touch it. You don't look at it. You don't process it. You don't grow from it. And then anything where it stunts you in your life is just because it's the villain's fault.
And so, there may still be more forgiveness after this module. You might realize there's more people coming up that you're like, "Ooh, forgot about that person. Made them responsible for a whole chunk of my life, and they're holding on to one of my big traumas over there that I don't want to look at." What am I supposed to do with that? You've got to bring it, and you've got to forgive, and you've got to let them go. And then you've got to get really good at noticing anytime you get frustrated with someone and you want to make them the villain. And I know we don't want to do this, but you'll still do this because every single discussion in the world always has two points of view. Every, everything you talk to a person, there's a possibility it could have two points of view. You said something, someone understood it a little different. You're like, "That's not what I said." They're like, "That's what I heard." Like, "Well, that's not what I meant. I meant this." "Well, then you should have said that." "I thought I did say that. I didn't realize there was another perspective." "Well, see, you're the villain." "I don't want to be the villain. I was just trying to tell you something." "See, now you're discrediting my feelings." There's always a way that there could be two sides of the story for you and for them.
So, the hard thing is to be able to process your feelings as they come in your life without saying, "I'm mad because of him, her, them," and to just say, "I'm mad." You're allowed to say, "I'm not going to be friends with this person anymore. I realize I don't, I don't enjoy the friendship." But to be like, "This person is the reason that I blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." Just to keep them the villain actually holds so much of your power, your life force. You know, when we did the portal drop, you imagined all the feeling in your body, and you imagined it turning colors, and then you moved it into a white ball and you dropped it in your portal, and you got to keep all of that energy. Where do you think the energy goes when every time you have an anger, you think of someone else and give it to them? Every time you have an anger, you think of the situation and you give it to the situation. Feel exhausted, lack of energy, unable to get back on your feet. It's because you're giving all of your power away to the situation, to the person. You're not actually processing the feelings.
So, it's okay to be in a conversation with someone and they make you feel like you don't matter, and you're like, "Um, I really hurt." But for you to then decide that it's because they didn't care about you, and they wanted to push you out, and they wanted to embarrass you, all of that that you put in your head, that's all to justify your feelings so you can put it in a box and not deal with your, your stuff. But if you actually said, "This reminds me of when I was a little kid, and I just wanted to belong, and the kids didn't want to play with me. I feel exactly like that." And you could have a moment with yourself as the, as the baby goddess, like, "We're okay. Like, we are definitely okay. This just triggered something. Like, okay, what do we want to do? Do we want to go back in? Do we want to go do something else?" And we can go back in. "I'm okay. They don't even need to like me. I just like, I like to be there. And I, it's the night's not over. Let's go back in." Or, "I don't want to go back in there. I want to go do something else." "Well, let's go do something else."
When you worked so hard and everybody else is getting recognition, and you're not getting recognition, you're allowed to say, "Ouch. How come everybody else's stuff got likes, and everybody else's stuff gets seen, and my stuff doesn't get seen? This really hurts." And it reminds me of when my siblings got high fives after their exams, and I just got, "Well, you didn't get a hundred." Like, I just remember that feeling so much. Instead of, "They are threatened by me, and they hate me, and they don't want me to participate. Nobody cares about me here, and I don't belong, and I knew I didn't belong, and I never should have put myself in that space, and everybody's the same, and I'll never trust anybody again." You just kind of see it like, "Gosh, this is, this is totally the validation thing." Like, "But then people say, 'What do I do with these feelings?'" "You feel them." "I don't want to feel them." "Why should I have to feel them? They're not my fault." "You came here to feel. If there's sadness, feel it. Acknowledge it. Let it pass through you and go do something else." "But what about the people who made me feel that way? Who's going to punish them?" "Most of the time, they don't even know they made you feel that way." "Yes, they did." "No." "Yes." "Okay. Has it ever happened in your life that someone told you that you made them feel excluded, or not enough, or not important, or that you didn't see them, or you didn't acknowledge them, and your whole body was like, 'I didn't even, I was so in my thing, I never even realized.' Like, 'I did not mean to make you feel like that. I'm so sorry.'" "Oh, that did happen." "Yes, but that was different. I'm nice."
So, you do want a villain? No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. "I want a vill-" "It's not fair." "You're right." "This reminds me when I was a kid, and Tom was allowed to eat my candy if he had all of his too fast." "This is the same thing. This is people telling me what I should and shouldn't do." "You're right. Breathe. Be mad. What do you want to do?" "I want them to be punished." "Come back. I want them to come back." "I'm fine. Just pissed off." "Yay! You're a shower, a nap, poop, what you need." "I'm fine. I'm actually fine." "Gosh, that was close. That was, that was really close. Glad we talked about that."
Your feelings are yours, but we don't want them to be ours, especially when it's not our fault that we're feeling them. It's the craziest thing. I have coached thousands and thousands and thousands of women in my life, and it all boils down to the same thing. They don't feel good. They don't feel they should be the one to feel it. "But what do I? I'm mad." "Okay, so let's feel it." "I don't want to feel it." "Well, what are you going to do with it?" "Well, I want to know what to say to the person that made me feel this way." "Why?" "Well, because they made me feel this way." "Okay, so you don't want to process the feeling you're feeling." "No." "But you want them to process the feeling that you're feeling." "Yes." "So, you have a thought that you're going to be really angry at this person. Let's just play this out. You're really angry. You're really angry at this person. You're going to go and you're going to tell them why you're angry." "You think they'll understand?" "No, they never understand anything." "Oh, this is making this even better." "So, we're going to go to a person who never understands anything, and we're going to explain to them that you're mad about something that they did. And what if they don't get it?" "Well, they probably won't get it." "So, why are we doing this?" "Because they should get it." "So, how's that going?" "It's not going very well." "As a matter of fact, it reminds me of all the times that I've tried to make people understand. Nobody understands, and I'm always alone, and I always have to handle my things, and I always have to feel my own feelings." "So, do they?" "Everyone has to feel their own feelings."
If you learn to do this, your life will become so much more simple. And for those of you with young kids, it will change the way you parent. For those of you with grandkids, it will change the way you parent. Because instead of it, you'll see it. You'll see the small child go from like, "It was that person that did it to me." You'll watch it. There's a moment where it changes where they understand it could be someone's fault. And you'll take your power back and realize that people are just people. Most of the time, and if there really is something up with a person, like they have a psychological problem and they are causing harm, then you got to forgive them because what the heck else are they going to do if they have a psychological problem? Like, you're going to hold anger for them their entire life because they couldn't have done any better? If got to forgive them then. So, either they probably didn't mean to, either they were triggered, so they triggered you, which you've already done, so you forgive them, forgive yourself, Kumbaya. Or they have a psychological disorder, in which case you forgive that they didn't know any better, and you get them out of your life. But your feelings, you have got to feel.
And the more you go through programs or things in life thinking, "How do I just not feel fear that I might fail?" You don't. How do I not feel disappointment when I fail? You don't. You feel it. How do I not feel anger when someone does something bad? You do feel it. But then what do I do with it? You process it. But then what happens to them? Life. Life happens to them. You will give yourself your life back. I gave myself my life back. This is what the goddess does. She helps you process your feelings. She helps you feel what you're feeling without needing a villain, without needing a story that traps your stuff permanently. She makes sure you don't make a storm out of a few raindrops. And she makes sure that you can move on with lightness in your heart instead of something you're always pulling with you all of wherever you go.
So, what I would love for you to look at today is where are you potentially still holding a villain? And if you don't have an active villain right now, which means you have villains, but then you let them off the hook, just kind of contemplate who you vilified even for a few hours or a few days. Like, where instead of processing a feeling, you've made someone else a jerk. You've said, "Well, that woman is a..." You've immediately made them the villain instead of going, "Whoa, that anger came up fast. I must be a little tired or disregulated." Like, "That made me mad. Like, really mad. Mad like I would have wanted them to be punished mad. Like I got mad at that. Whoa. Like, my stuff." And what would my life look like if I let the villains off the hook, and I let them have their own pains? Because trust me, they have them. And a lot of the times when people don't respond the way you wish they would when you're mad at them, it's not because they don't care about you. It's because they just, they break. I don't know if you've ever had this in your life, but like, things are going so wrong, life's hard right now, things are heavy, you feel like you're holding on by a thread, and then you accidentally lose it a little bit, or make someone else feel bad, and they unravel on you, and you have zero capacity for it. It's not that you don't care, but you just can't care. You're just like, "You know what? So sorry I hurt your freaking feelings, you poor thing. Like, I can't even, I can't, I can't." Is it that you're mean? That you're awful? That you hate the world? Like, no. You had enough. People have had enough. If you don't need to make them the villain, you can let them go. And you can process your feelings. And it is so fast how you can get back into your life.
The best part of this module, and what I want you to be able to see, is that we spend most of our lives trying to control our feelings through having villains, through telling everybody about how we feel, and trying to get people to understand our point of view, through really staying committed to a negative emotion, no matter what beautiful things are coming in front of us, we're not letting them in because we will not let joy ruin our sadness. No, ma'am, not today. This, this anger, this sadness, it is important, and we will not let one good thing ruin this thing. No, no, no. And then we say things like, "I'm exhausted. I wish I had the energy to make love. I wish I had the energy, but I just don't. I want to build a business, but I just don't know what I would do. It, I don't know what I would do. I was going to do so many things today, but I just felt so tired. I don't know where the time went." I'll tell you where the time went. You get your life back. Every minute you don't spend ruminating or boiling hatred tea in your teapot, you're actually living. Living. You process your feelings, you're over it. You could have today be remembered for something else. You could be angry in the morning, ecstatic by noon, and have the best night of your life. You could have a fantastic morning.
A little bit of a whirlwind in the afternoon and then the day happier than you've ever been. And the demonstration that that's the way it's supposed to go is just look at a small child. They wake up in the morning, they're giddy, they're happy, they're poke you in the face, is it time to wake up yet? They're having their cereal, they're so happy until they drop their spoon. They then have an emotional meltdown. You take care of them, they have a nap, they have a poop, they feel so much better. We go outside, they get fresh air on their cheeks, they're so happy. They're running around all over the place until they slip and fall on the ice and knock their teeth. And then they cry because it hurts. And then you take care of them and you love them and you kiss them. And then you read them a book and then they have a nap and then they wake up and then they're happy and then they want snuggles and they want to read a book and they want to go play and everything is good. And now it's time to go home and they don't want to go home. So they have a full-blown meltdown in the car until you turn the corner and they're asleep. And you get home and they're well rested and they're cute and their face is all warm and flushed from the nap and they love you and they snuggle you. And then they have dinner and they love their dinner and they make you laugh and they say crazy things and they throw their food everywhere. And then you tell them it's bedtime and they have a full-blown meltdown. And and you put them in the bath and they don't want to be in the bath and they freak out until they've got their toys in the bath and then they're so happy and it's the best bath time of life and they have the best bath time ever. And then you try to take them out of the bath and they have the nervous meltdown because they don't want to get out of the bath. Then you negotiate, it's going to be okay. You get them, you dry them all off, their hair does the cute thing you just can't handle. You kiss them and you squish them and you love them and you read them a bedtime story and they fall asleep. And they have had about 36,000 emotions today and they go to sleep excited for tomorrow.
If you can let life pass through you, if you can process your feelings, if you can realize that it's not all about people being ugly and mean and hateful, it's not about you not being good enough, it's not all about life not being fair, it's just your feelings and you can let them pass and you can let joy ruin your sadness and you can forgive and you can move on. You will have a fuller life than you could ever possibly imagine, more memories in one day than you could ever make holding on to one emotion until you're not so mad at the one person holding the Pandora's box with all your trauma in it. It's the greatest gift you can give yourself. And the goal is not to beat yourself up every time you trip. Practice makes progress. Every day you prioritize this, you'll get more of your life back and it will not be long. I'm telling you, I have received thousands of messages throughout my career. I did F fatal with you a few years ago and I just need to tell you with the greatest love, love affair story I could ever tell you, my kids, my life, my job, my husband, my this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, because this work, it's a compound effect. If you take this program and then you go, well, that was good, want to go pick a fight somewhere, like it's not going to change your life. But if you actually live by the the processes of this work, if you let this be your right of passage into womanhood where you walk goddess, the baby goddess in hand, able to say, I see that you're sad, let's take care of that instead of you're sad, what I need to beat up in badass mode, you're going to get so much more of your life back. You're going to go out there and you're going to do the things you were born to do. You'll find the courage to trust people, you'll forgive people, you'll love more, you'll laugh more, you'll live more, you'll feel younger, freer, happier, safer. You know, trust yourself that you can do anything. And ultimately, that's what we need in order to build the empires we want to build, the families we want to build, the movements we want to build, is the greatest self-trust.
Now, there is going to be another Q&A this week, this upcoming week, next week. So if you have questions and stuff's coming up, you're going to have a chance to ask all of that. But what I would suggest for you is to take this weekend and start living by the best parts that this program has given you so far. Whatever you've loved the most, whatever is really showing up the most for you. If an opportunity arises to forgive, see if you can do it. If an opportunity comes up to feel, see if you're able to feel your feelings and not do the thing. Like test it, try it, live by it. Share stories in the group, let us know how you're doing. Let's see how much life you can fit into your life this weekend. If you're feeling pulled to book a call, so I see in the the chat, like, how do we book a call with Cheryl? If you want to book a call with Cheryl, with Cam, with Nicole, with Jack, you just want to message the Alpha Fem team and see how many calls are left, what the availabilities are, and they'll hook you up. They'll give you the price for each person, how long the call is, and you can you can decide what you want to do from there. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for showing up for this. If you only knew how much joy I have every time I have a chance to be sitting in a group of women, feels like we're all just sitting in a beautiful circle chatting to each other. Like the joy I have to know this work continues in all of our families, it's going to impact so many people. It's the greatest feeling. Thank you for caring about more than just the superficial things of personal development. We need to, we want to know how do you get more likes on Instagram and how do you get someone to pay you the big bucks? Those are fun things to learn. But I am so grateful and I I honor you for your curiosity to learn what changes your life like that. I think that is the making of a grand woman, not just what we can do, but who we are that does it. So I love you, you're beautiful, you smell nice and I will see you next week. Have a beautiful weekend.
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She emerged from within me like a goddess from water. She filled her lungs with new air with a sigh that meant everything. Relief, rebirth, release. She took in the world around her with an understanding of its fragility and its strength. She let the waters of her past run down her face. She took on a new name. She took on a new way. She became whole. She lives in me. She saved me. She is me.
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